OblivionBlade, Tumbl Dryer

I go next to the washing machine

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The great big asterisk that dangles off every post I've made critiquing Lorch's work.

* Is this really the content that makes everything she's done okay?

I'm an absolute shitter to my core, I know this. Though as much as I love treating her as the joke that she is, sometimes you do gotta be serious. I'd never be caught dead participating in this double think where Lily is both a threat to everyone and a self-important goober spinning her wheels, though a threat to a few she certainly is.

I'm about done pulling punches, so if you want to see me pop the lid off my cool, do please read past the cut.

Because I try to keep an open mind, but besides her being a never back down epic pwner of the Cis Het MAGA losers... What is the fuckin draw? Rhetorical question by the way, you needn't look farther than her own wife to know Lily is all about pretending to shelter the disadvantaged as one of the good ones... but if a good chunk of ex-Lily fans would let me know that even that is conditional. She's created a community where you are protected by an Indigenous Trans Woman, to not really protect anybody, cozy up with all manner of people that match her freak that would also like to poke around this community of people that (to overly simplify it) just ain't got no-one else.

The evidence is all around. The effort that it would take to falsify a lot of it is actually quite ludicrous, especially archive and way back stuff. You straight up can't without a small army of top tier hackers.

Like sure she calls us stalkers for... paying any fucking attention? I do not feel like anyone is tapping her phone lines and bugging her house. She can, does, and will continue to just vomit her every life grip, problem, and story at any opportunity! The vast majority of all the evidence we have is evidence she has boldly and willingly volunteered like the braindead, shortsighted dipshit she is. Motherfuckers are not stalking you, if anything they are fishing.

Lastly, though what I feel is most important is knowing it all and just being like, "but she's so entertaining. " fuck outta here. How does any of the mediocrity she let's dribble onto a notepad make the pain that caused okay? "Yeah, I know she allegedly raped her sister but Stockholm and pokemadhouse ate so fire!" Fuckin Dumpster fire maybe. She's got some of the most boring fics if you can ignore that she's not smart enough to hide her true intentions that naturally bubble up from the subtext, the greater half of her critiques are plagiarized and the other totally scatterbrained... where is the appeal?

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Would it be wrong to say that Lily's near exclusive watch & review of kids media like kids cartoons stems at least in part from a desperation to try to relive the childhood comforts she was ripped away from upon high school graduation? If not, how much has it affected her media & food diets?

Honestly i couldn't say if she feels the need to relive her childhood, but it's doing nothing for her present. I'm not the first to say her juvenile thinking means leaves her characters flat and their actions cruel if not just needlessly petty.

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Aliana got herself a dollar store silk press

No it's the fuckin dark side midichlorions. The force germs make her hair straight as a punishment! Cause it just ain't Lily if we don't have something as ham fisted as anti-dark side equals anti-black.

She just had not a thought in her brain and is actively doubling down on it. It's glorious, you actually can't just make this shit up. Seeing her write something so stupid and standing her ground on it, i just

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Lily's Alaina AU seems pretty racist, and the fact that she doesn't know how midi-chlorians work just proves that she doesn't engage with any story enough to know the basics of it.

For me it is just the absolute flattening of aliana's character. Literally robbed of the ability to make meaningful choices. She's bound to the dark side because Lily made up fuckin... Dark side autism! Except doing anything than drowning in her "special interest" in the dark side is just literal pain and other physical consequences.

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I actually had my own Avatar idea that Lily would hate: an Avatar that was born into one nation, but raised by another.

I'm working on a story for her, but she's the fire Avatar, abandoned as a baby because her village was burned down by Avatar hunters(still working out the details). She's found by a passing Water Tribe ship, and adopted by the family, who just lost their own child.

She learns waterbending first, but when she's older, pirates attack, and she suddenly becomes able to firebend, kicking off a massive identity crisis.

I think Lily would hate it because it has complex questions to answer, and no sister fetish, but what do you think?

I mean you said it, deeper than a kiddy pool without a sister to snog, so already lost lorch miles back. I like the concept as a good way to inject a bit of angst into completing their training. I'd certainly keep working on it, but you're in the right direction.

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I found out about the Jedi Aliana AU and I am just, so, so happy.

Not unironically of course, but BOY FUCKIN HOWDY! Can't even be mad at it, it's just so shit in all the right ways! Though I am getting ahead of myself. BEHOLD!

Jedi Aliana AU! And i could go into how bad it is but I just can't top, and do sit down if you aren't sat... DARK SIDE MIDICHLORIONS.

So. When she is not actively giving in to the dark side she is in actual mental pain and becomes depressed... and it uncurls her hair. So the lessons she learns as a youngling are actively hurting her and he sole comfort object is a crystal made from the collective pain of a whole civilization being instantly annihilated...

IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID AND IT BASICALLY FLATTENS ALIANA'S CHARACTER ATOM THIN!

I just can't! I can't not imagine that Alaina acts like that crying baby meme during a mindfulness exercise.

"Alaina just meditate please" and meanwhile she's over there trying to grab her turbo-genocide crystal.

I'm so fuckin happy.

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Learning from Lorch: Write Me like You FUCKING HATE ME

Hello everybody, in celebration of feeling my whole brain glaze over reading the latest bits of Niva worldbuilding i thought I'd wrench open an old wound to take a peek at the sepsis.

More concisely I find myself seeing past the text and looking deeply at the writing hand, And seeing the hand is lackidaisical.... though i have never been as sure as I am now of one, very, very special thing. If you want to write like Lily, write everything like you're making a parody of something you HATE. I mean it, and I do not mean hate, i mean HATE!

To point to one of only somewhat successful examples, The Boys, specifically Garth Ennis's comic. Man's fuckin DESPISED Supers, though It had some awareness which helped it, namely the times in which it was made. It was a dark reflection of the downright torrential flood of cape shit for easy money.

Where Ennis makes up his failings in just being good at what he does, Lily fils the void with apathetic word vomit. Nothing changed between Korra's time and Niva's? Because of economics strife??... Which one of us has to teller these times are often boons for innovation... or my personal favorite, Sozin's fucking Comet. I hate this particular bit because you can just FEEL how much Lily does not fucking care. Niva hears a flaming ball of celestial death will slam the world sterile in a few months. Her initial reaction?

Shit im sorry miss we mistook you for somebody who had a vested interest in LIVING! She doesn't put up much of a fuss to her credit, which i then immediately revoke cause it's made clear its a token attempt. She then prepares to make flying rockets packed full of combustion benders to throw hands with the firey death that gashes the very skies with enough explosions to make a bomb nut cream himself blind, deaf, and dumb, sound as boring as brushing your teeth before bed... She doesn't care, why would she? Niva just needs feats to prove to the powerscalers that WEREN'T EVEN ASKING that Niva chunky-dunks on Ozai.

It's almost impressive, her apathy is so great she writes everything like its a parody of something she just cannot fathom the point of. She likes the sound of being the Avatar, but not what being the Avatar means so she's just over here like "being the abater in stupid and Niva is too cool to be anybodies bum bum wiping mommy..." She likes Star Wars, but not the duality inherent to it so she just flattens the force even further. She likes Elite dangerous, but gives so few fucks about under the hood she thinks hydrolysis is the one thing missing from an era with FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL!

I fear this won't change, She enjoys everything at a very shallow level, which wouldn't be the great big breaker if not for this one itty bitty, teeny weeny, massive fucking problem. She claims to be a career critic and will be held to the bare minimum standards. She is just straight up too lazy for the bare minimum and is trying to make it anyone's problem but hers.

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Lily Orchard is objectively a bad writer. Not just for the plot in her stories, but the overall flow of her work is dull and repetitive. I've seen better work, my students. And they're in middle school.

I can't prove anything about this anon, and do not expect this anon to provide anything, but I love that some teacher came into my asks and said, "Yes, lily is indeed not smarter than a fifth grader."

If not true, still really fuckin funny. Lily can hold an F with her L.

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Thing is, I had my own idea for a darker Avatar. Here’s my Avatar idea:

Fire cycle. The Avatar is born into a noble family who has a past of being heavily involved with the war. Their family did terrible things in past generations and are trying to make up for it years later.

That mentality of trying to make up for history continues. Soon enough, they crack under the pressure when they get compared to their family history. “Guess even the Avatar can’t get that Fire Nation blood out of them.”

They soon enough turn to assassin training and running a shadowy organization that allows the Avatar to kill while keeping the saint like image to the people.

I feel like Lily doesn’t get that NO ONE that is chosen to be the Avatar WANTED to be the Avatar except maybe young Korra. But even she gets beaten down by the world.

She clearly doesn’t get the novels either (except adding more sister coded women to her fetish with the Yancheng book) because they add realistic pressure to the job of being a literal symbol of balance to the world.

As some would say, everybody likes lasting peace, nobody likes the cost of lasting peace. Keeping balance isn't always a bloodless endeavor and I like the concept that the Avatar has a shadowy organization for when talking just isn't doing enough.

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Tbf, I think that the idea of an Avatar who's slightly sociopath/can't bring themselves to see why they should care about other people could be an alright story. To see how they slowly learn that it's not because you don't actively know those people that they don't deserve a chance to live. Or something like that.

But it's clearly not Lily that would be able to have enough nuance to write something like that.

Oh absolutely, or to be fair it would do a lot better job at seeing more of the long term health of the world than people's petty creature comforts.

Though that's why i said psychopath. A sociopathic Avatar thinking only long term would not HOLD A FEW THOUSAND SICK AND DYING PEOPLE EFFECTIVELY HOSTAGE to get like, 2 world leaders to kiss her ass... yeah...

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Oh fuck that's a great laugh! Unfortunately I think she's serious. Debunking it isn't hard though, she is saying a lot but... well just watch.

First off, the bullet points. OBSERVE!

What Lily is writing is the Disney-fied version, it used to be very cut and dry. Also she fails to "de-game-ify" KOTOR so she thinks the press a button to le good boy points or le bad boy points is intentional. It's a game Lily, the game will kiss your ass no matter what you do, because game.

Extreme failure to recognize gamey elements, "muh horde champion is gruff an' tough an' don't take no shit from nobody!" That's nice ma'am get to the back of the line with the 4.5 million or so other horde champions that all say that. You ain't special.

There isn't a formula. Avatar is not a franchise large enough to have become formulaic.

From here it's basically using way too much to say far too little. Yapping that she's being deconstructive and lookit how smart she is!... Except she didn't and hasn't done a deconstruction of anything. This runs parallel to a Learning From Lorch I'm working on, but a key part of a proper deconstruction is knowing and caring about the original thing.

Lily does not. She likes things from them, but the unbroken whole can kick sand. There's no deconstruction unless we are talking entirely literally in that most of the vehicle that is storytelling just isn't fucking there. Niva is made to hard counter Ozai types... though ACTUALLY doing that implies Niva is active enough into politics to find and expose them before they gain political power, which uh

She talks about hating being the Avatar but in her entire tenure she's only ever beseeched about 4 times in her whole life to ever do anything, and it's always an Avatar level threat. Not even mentioning she accrued more raw bending power than any previous avatar! "I hate being the Avatar so I will now become the most powerful one to exer exist ever" logic checks out, yeah. Which fucking sucks because Aang is already a beautiful deconstruction of the chosen one archetype. Niva is in every way worse than Korra while falling into all the same traps!

And to address the asker, who claimed they're all just mean heros....welll...

It's that heroic deeds on paper does not equal being heroic. Niva again exemplifies the problem most, and boy do I have receipts!

Only truly tries against a terrorist group once her sister is at risk of being a casualty of war.

Lackidaisical attitude towards ARMAGEDDON.

Decides to make more statistics out of innocent people while demanding that the world leaders apologize for her HURTING HER FEELINGS...

Struggled for a THIRD TIME to account for innocent people in a crisis! This is no hero, this is a fucking psychopath.

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Honestly I think making up a disability would be harder than just researching a real one. Like I think making up a disability requires more world building and a deeper understanding of the disabled experience and community in order to not be completely ignorant and offensive. I would probably caution people to do even more homework on making a realistic made up disability. Of course I also think 99% of the time you would probably just come up with a real disability you’ve never heard of and completely fuck it up.

Yeah, you are 100% right, and having let her advice sit in my brain for a whole 24 I am actually quite mad. For it is just one little line that fuckin threw me clean into "this dumb bitch" territory.

A disability you have full control of huh? Well wouldn't that be just swell... EXCEPT THAT'S JUST NOT HOW ANY DISABILITY WORKS! No disability would do any of us the service of convenience! Turns this advice into less "learning to solder before fixing a phone" and far more "5 years of experience for an entry level job"type beat. Cart before the horse when its not even hard. Why is giving one third of a crusty fuck so hard for you, Lily??? I'm sorry an inconvenience built into our brains and bodies are too much is of an inconvenience to you.... fuck all the way off if you won't do the want to do any work...

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"If you've NEVER written a disabled character before, then going right for realism out of the gate is going to cause [problems]."

...What? I know in my heart that this is Lily blustering through a double-down rather than admitting her initial advice around writing disabilities sucked, but does she realize how incompetent this makes her sound? If you can't grapple with the concept of improving the final product through drafting, research, practice, and a good editor, and/or you simply can't incorporate research on a new topic without sounding like a Wiki article. Uh. That's a failing at a technical writing level. Not a reason to shrug and just make it up.

Even if the goal was to provide Baby's First Thought Experiment On Writing Disabilities, it's still pretty fucking weak to effectively say "don't even try".

The doubling down as a whole.

She fails to properly address the great huge open throbbing sore that is that you really can't really avoid touching upon something that exists, and in that very same breath where she says people will use applicability to see parallels, they will also see if you just don't give a fuck. This glaring issue is fixed by GIVING A FUCK.

I also love how she says fucking it up is a reason not to do it. You can in fact learn a lot from botching something. be not afraid to fail... I won't even dignify the wiki article comment... If that's something she worries about it says a lot more about her than anyone else.

Really jut a screed about how nobody gets to tell her how to write shit, because it's working sooooooo fucking well with Julie and Iris, right?

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Would Lorch do well living in a group home, considering even married people can live in them?

Weird question, but I'll bite.

If she acts even a little like she does online?Fuck no. In like any regard. She can't tolerate shit, and would be summarily kicked out of one.

Though I'd factor the screen is where a lot of her bravodo comes from in which case like... sure.

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Even in a fantasy settings where you make up a magic disability it’s probably going to end up correlating to a real disability so you would still need to research similar disability’s and how people who have them navigate and then apply that to a fantasy setting, so honestly make up a disability is pretty shitty advice.

Yeah, the small portion of a grain that I will give her is that at least with blatant fantasy bullshit you still got that plausible deniability. It's not a lot, but it is like the one fringe way to sorta not make the advice total dogshit. Even then you are always better off JUST DOING THE WORK. If you are going to tell a story where a character has a disability you tackle that head on.

Also, let's just say it out loud. If your smoking gun against being called out is as technical "you're not supposed to see it that way", it doesn't matter how many times you tell me the black flakes in my soup aren't rat shit, it's cold comfort if the soup tastes of septic drainage regardless.

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Oh my god thank you, that 'advice' from Lily on writing disabilities was jaw-droppingly stupid. It's like she started from the point of the only two consequences that bother her personally (writers including disability for performative reasons, and audiences getting mad if disabilities aren't portrayed to their personal exacting standards even when a spectrum applies) and worked backwards to the most dogshit conclusion possible. How a supposed Bachelor's graduate with a thesis under her belt can be this allergic to research is - well. Needless to say it stretches belief further than it was already.

Bullseye on the Iris and Keira stuff too. Getting entire sentences and opinions out of the minutest, vaguest gestures is so lazy it's comical. Standard Lily fare though. "It works because...I said so!" Great. I'm so invested.

I can't stress enough that unless we talking mana incontinence or something else obviously magical/supernatural, just do the work. It's not even that hard unless you go out of your way to preach. Or are writing for the benefit of small children. How Lily fucked it up i can scarcely wrap my head around.

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Fixing Lily's advice:

Not the worst, but also not the greatest. Stumbles quite quickly. The problem this one smacks into at full tilt is that making up a disability only works with like, fantasy shit. To explain a little better it's that just by how many people there are, if there is a defect, SOMEBODY has it. I mean fuck, the most popular Vtuber of this day and age has a condition where she can't utilize her almost perfectly intact immune system (an oversimplification, but not grossly so) to the masses most people would at least be doubtful that it's real, but it is. Her screen name is ironmouse, look her up.

With that out of the way, you might be asking in a very lorchian way, "well alright jizzrag, how do you do you do it right then? Huh???" First of all, rude. Secondly.

And it isn’t harder than that! Do your fucking homework. It might seem intimidating, but it's really not, in fact people with said disabilities will probably be thankful that you time out of your day to learn. I also just cannot stretch enough how easy it is to end up slamming the hydraulic press down on the digits of the disabled if you just do as Lily says in hopes you won't just land on a real disability and horribly misrepresent it. Wonder if Lily’s done this bef-OH WAIT!

The grand example i can point to for Lily's incompetence is Iris and Kiara. Specifically because Lily doesn't do her fucking homework, Iris's need for her sister stands out like a foot long blister. We have so many ways to give a voice to the voiceless today is kinda fuckin bonkers, so while there is this small nugget of being innately and immediately understood, it is eclipsed ad infinitum by the fact i can't unsee this innate understanding looking like Kiara putting words in the mouth of a particularly expressive dog... That's deadass what it looks like in my head, like Kiara is having an imaginary conversation with a dog, but that dog is a whole ass person doing the head tilting doing the head tilting and claw tapping. This almost certainly is just me giving it a very unfavorable reading due to my well documented bias. What isn't is how Iris just refuses a great many ways of easy communication with a firm "no idunwannna" in favor of that sweet, sweet but-not-actually-its-really-fucked-up codependency.

Also her bit at the end about good boy points? Basic editing. If you don't need to explain every faucet of a disability, don't... like you would with any story detail you plan on doing more than one draft for....