forgotten.crimes @obscurafilms - Tumblr Blog

04052023//00:17

It's time to say goodbye, again. And the process repeats itself.

Meeting. Fleeting. Anxiety. Letting go. Ending.

It's a vicious cycle that doesn't break.

Or would it be broken in the future?

23:22//25122023

Today my mum told me I am a terrible dresser, and I dress like an old lady. Fuck that. I wear what I want when I want, even if I look like an old grandma. Jesus.

She tells me I shouldn't lift too because it will make me bulky and look like a man. Too bad, I'll lift anyway.

05022023//00:09

Again, I ask myself - what am I doing wrong? Time and time again, I come back to this question. I feel utterly alone.

04022023//08:44

I dreamed that I was with everyone I loved including z. Then next thing I know, you were back. Acting like nothing happened. I was confused. You hugged me, kissed me, as if the months you were gone were blipped. I asked if we could talk. I asked where have you been, and how are you just coming in like that with no warning. You said you've changed, learned, and you're a different person. And you are finally able to face me again.

I woke up, confused, dazed, and emotions stirred. What the hell does this mean?

But sometimes, dreams are just dreams.

theoptia

Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980; February 17th, 1970

Text ID: I don't feel guilt at being unsociable, though I may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful. But when I move into the world, it feels like a moral fall—like seeking love in a whorehouse.

itsloriel

THE ECHOING SOUND OF WAVES – Iceland – Jan Erik Waider

28012023//20:27

Truth is, I'm running away from this. I don't want to be involved in heavy conversations. I don't want to know anything about it. I told them I've got plans but honestly, I'll be alone.

Also, I'm dreading the date. I'm bailing.

26012023//10:27

I have been in bed ever since I got back. I don't want to face work. I don't want to face people.

A work acquaintance of mine got the global role. I gotta say, I'm envious of him getting the role. Getting to be this big family that's global. I'm jealous, envious, and feeling a little sour and regret. I am always unsure whether I made the right choice to join this.

I know that there is no point in thinking this way and I try to be objective about it - like it's a bet I do with myself kinda thing and that what are things I could look forward to with this. And it's up to me to make it work. And at the end of the day, it's only work.

But I do honestly feel a tad of regret. A pinch of fear.

20012023//23:37

I don't like being back here. It feels like I have no space here. That I don't belong.

20012023//22:25

My heart breaks a little more each time knowing about it. It shouldn't, but here we are.

12012023//09:34

Back to being a stranger.

09012023//11:00

I'll miss this. I'll miss you.

08012023//16:20

Sam Smith on the background, unfinished coconut milkshake on the side, an empty cup of ice cream. You're sitting opposite of me, with your laptop on. Silence in between us. With maybe a kindle, or a phone. You're intently looking at either of it. Maybe you're responding to the multiple messages you're getting from other people. Maybe you're just on your Kindle.

I saw a few of those messages. I'm not surprised, nor was I disappointed. I guess I've accepted it. I don't try to cling onto you anymore. I think I've realized that all these questions that I wanted to ask were pointless.

Either way, I'm still grateful to be here. The impromptu trip to the neighboring country, the quiet car rides, the small talks. I don't know. I think this is kind of the end.

It's, maybe, the beginning of an end.

01012023//22:27

Sitting here feeling the breeze gently brushing against my face, wishing for a quiet night. I gotta say I do enjoy this a lot. I was back from an appointment and I just wanted to come up here to chill before going back home.

Deep down, I think I've accepted that we won't go anywhere. As much as I want to and as much as I hope I would be able to, I know we can't. And I know very well why. That's why I guess it doesn't bother me anymore yesterday upon seeing your matches notifications.

Being here with you last night also kinda felt like something was off.

Everything here would be perfect if it weren't for the noisy kids.

29122022//20:56

It feels like I've taken 20 steps back in my fitness journey. I wanted to throw up mid set and I felt so weak. I didn't like how it felt. I felt like whatever I progressed throughout was a waste. And I felt so small.

I don't like how I am now. I don't like how it feels. I can't possibly make people understand. And I hate it.

I've also turned off some notifications and I think it's for the better. I used to be like that but I changed cause I know I'll be seeing the person more often. But I'm getting attachments and it's gonna be bad if I don't stop now.

2 more days to this year and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

28122022//17:14

I came to this cafe which was rather quiet and quaint. I passed by this café for a few times before but it did look pretty intimidating back then. I had coffee first, then cake.

Supposed to go for a movie with a friend but he bailed. Another plan didn't work out so here I am alone in this cafe, with earbuds on, to be in my own world.

As soon as time goes by, more and more people started coming in. Families, group of people working, learning. Looks like a bustling place. What used to be a cold, quiet cafe is now filled with warmth, laugthers, chats, and life. The difference is rather stark.

I ought to write more, paint more. I ought to learn more. I haven't been, and i recognise it's all talk for now. But here's to a quiet end of year, and hoping that 2023 will be with filled with joy, clarity, and necessary changes.

27122022//12:28

It seems like I've done so much but not at all for this year. Sure, I've cut some people out of my life. I've rejected some opportunities because I think I deserve better. I know my worth. I recognise any unhealthy patterns I fell into. But that doesn't stop the feeling of emptiness and lostness.

You say you're not yourself lately. I guess you weren't. You were never yourself. Not with me.

And you, my dear, I've got to let you go. My heart can't take it. I don't know how it would be but if I don't I'd get hurt over end over again. As I did.

When I think of this year and compared it to the last, I think I've changed for the better. What it is exactly? I don't know. I think I've started to learn more about myself and it's always surprising.

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