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How to Help a Partner Who Has Been…

Physically Abused

Physical abuse covers anything where there is bodily harm being inflicted upon the person–scratching, slapping, hitting, kicking, choking, pushing or pulling, grabbing the person/the person’s clothes, throwing items at the person, or using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon. Physical abuse may not always leave a physical mark. If your partner has been through physical abuse, they may: - fear sudden movements - fear loud noises - have triggers that can cause anxiety, flashbacks, or shut down - feel damaged, or like they don’t deserve a better life - have low self-worth - fear trusting others - struggle with trusting others - have fear of abuse being repeated - have difficulty sleeping - be hypervigilant - feel empty or like reaching out is not worth the effort - feel unsafe, even at times when they are safe - have PTSD

How can you help them? Help them get to a therapist who can see them regularly and help them work through their abuse; this is very important, as a therapist is key to recovering from abuse. Respect their triggers–don’t try to push them outside of their comfort zone, no matter how much you think it might help, and do not deliberately trip their triggers. Make a list of things to avoid doing, with the clear understanding that it’s going to be an incomplete list–triggers can be unknown for a long while before you trip them, and some things that used to be fine/not fine sometimes evolve. Additionally, make a list of things that can help when your partner feels crappy. Some examples of things that might help: - calling their name gently - touching them (if yes, ask where, and if are there times to avoid touching, such as during a panic attack) - bringing them a toy to squeeze or pet - making them some hot chocolate/other soothing drink or food - closing the blinds - making sure to stay in another room

Of course, what will help your partner and what won’t help them when they feel like crap will vary from person to person, so make sure you talk to them about what they do and don’t want you to do. Another good thing to do is make a list of things that can help if/when your partner has flashbacks. Some examples of things that can help: - touch (if the person feels it will help AND if you ask first while they are having the flashback) - sounds (talk to them, play music for them, etc.) - smells (specifically smells that link to the present and not the past and/or have good memories attached to them)

Try to minimize stress at home and make sure your loved one has time alone for rest and relaxation. Let them know on a consistent basis that you love them and are here for them, and with them for the long haul. Create routines, as structure, routine, and predictable schedules can enhance their feeling of security. Talk about the future, as this can help them realize that their future isn’t limited by their past. Keep your promises, be consistent, and prove you can be trusted. Set rules to help them feel safe: for instance, if they are scared of loud noises, make a “no yelling” rule, and if someone gets heated in a discussion about problems in the relationship, have everyone walk away until everyone is calmed down. Be sure to educate yourself about abuse and PTSD.

Dos and Don’ts: - Don’t give easy answers or blithely say that everything will be fine - Don’t stop them from talking about their feelings and fears - Do reassure them that their fears and feelings are valid; validate them, and then work with them on ways to minimize or work around their fears (constant validation is not necessary, but if they bring up a feeling or fear, validate it.) - Don’t offer unsolicited advice on what they “should” do (saying “I think you should see a therapist” is not the way to go) - Do bring up therapy, but be sure to put it in a positive light (“Treatment is a way to learn new skills that could help you feel better”) and be sure not to use language that suggests they are crazy or a burden; additionally, wait for the right time to bring up your concerns–don’t bring it up mid-argument - Don’t push them to share - Do make it clear that you are available to talk if they want to - Don’t blame all of your relationship problems on the person’s PTSD - Do discuss relationship problems, but don’t blame them all on the person, and make sure to talk about the problems in a situation where everyone is calm, collected, and comfortable - Don’t tell the person to “get over it” or “snap out of it” - Don’t give ultimatums or make threats or demands - Don’t deal in absolutes (“You always…”/“You never…”) - Don’t make them feel weak because they aren’t coping as well as others - Do reassure them they are doing the best they can and that you are proud of them - Don’t tell the person they were lucky it wasn’t worse - Don’t condescend to the person

Emotionally Abused

Emotional abuse covers anything in the nature of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, gaslighting, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation. Gaslighting is denying that certain events happened, making the other person feel crazy or unstable. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person. If your partner has been through emotional abuse, they may: - fear loud noises - fear yelling - have triggers that can cause anxiety, flashbacks, or shut down - feel damaged, or like they don’t deserve a better life - have low self-worth - fear trusting others - have struggles with trusting others - have fear of abuse being repeated - feel empty or like reaching out is not worth the effort - feel unsafe, even at times when they are safe - be extremely sensitive to controlling behaviors - blame themselves for their abuse - struggle with emotional instability - have difficulty sleeping - be hypervigilant - have PTSD

How can you help them? Help them get to a therapist who can see them regularly and help them work through their abuse; this is very important, as a therapist is key to recovering from abuse. Respect their triggers–don’t try to push them outside of their comfort zone, no matter how much you think it might help, and do not deliberately trip their triggers. Make a list of things to avoid doing, with the clear understanding that it’s going to be an incomplete list–triggers can be unknown for a long while before you trip them, and some things that used to be fine/not fine can evolve. Additionally, make a list of things that can help when your partner feels crappy. Some examples of things that might help: - calling their name gently - touching them (if yes, ask where, and if are there times to avoid touching) - bringing them a toy to squeeze or pet - making them some hot chocolate/other soothing drink or food - closing the blinds - making sure to stay in another room

Of course, what will help your partner and what won’t help them when they feel like crap will vary from person to person, so make sure you talk to them about what they do and don’t want you to do. Another good thing to do is make a list of things that can help if/when your partner has flashbacks.Some examples of things that can help: - touch (if the person feels it will help AND if you ask first while they are having the flashback) - sounds (talk to them, play music for them, etc.) - smells (specifically smells that link to the present and not the past and/or have good memories attached to them)

Try to minimize stress at home and make sure your loved one has time alone for rest and relaxation. Let them know on a consistent basis that you love them and are here for them, and with them for the long haul. Create routines, as structure, routine, and predictable schedules can enhance their feeling of security. Talk about the future, as this can help them realize that their future isn’t limited by their past. Keep your promises, be consistent, and prove you can be trusted. Remind them that their abuse is not their fault, should they bring up such a sentiment, and remind them not to feel guilty about needing help, should they bring up such a sentiment. Set rules to help them feel safe: for instance, if they are scared of loud noises, make a “no yelling” rule, and if someone gets heated in a discussion about problems in the relationship, have everyone walk away until everyone is calmed down. Be sure to educate yourself about abuse and PTSD.

Dos and Don’ts: - Don’t give easy answers or blithely say that everything will be fine - Don’t stop them from talking about their feelings and fears - Do reassure them that their fears and feelings are valid; validate them, and then work with them on ways to minimize or work around their fears (constant validation is not necessary, but if they bring up a feeling or fear, validate it.) - Don’t offer unsolicited advice on what they “should” do (saying “I think you should see a therapist” is not the way to go) - Do bring up therapy, but be sure to put it in a positive light (“Treatment is a way to learn new skills that could help you feel better”) and be sure not to use language that suggests they are crazy or a burden; additionally, wait for the right time to bring up your concerns–don’t bring it up mid-argument - Don’t push them to share - Do make it clear that you are available to talk if they want to - Don’t blame all of your relationship problems on the person’s PTSD - Do discuss relationship problems, but don’t blame them all on the person, and make sure to talk about the problems in a situation where everyone is calm, collected, and comfortable - Don’t tell the person to “get over it” or “snap out of it” - Don’t give ultimatums or make threats or demands - Don’t deal in absolutes (“You always…”/“You never…”) - Don’t make them feel weak because they aren’t coping as well as others - Do reassure them they are doing the best they can and that you are proud of them - Don’t tell the person they were lucky it wasn’t worse - Don’t condescend to the person

Finally: take care of yourself. You want to be there for your partner, but dealing with the after-effects of abuse and dealing with PTSD can be draining and difficult, and you need to ensure you are safe and healthy so you can in turn help your partner be safe and healthy. Remember that you are not “saving” them: you are helping them to recover, but they have to do the work themselves, however difficult it may be. You can help and support them, but you cannot do the work for them. Additionally, accept and expect mixed feelings from yourself as you go through the process of helping them get better. Just because you feel resentful towards them one day does not mean you don’t love them and don’t want to help them. Just be careful with how you manage these feelings.

Additionally, physical symptoms that can result from physical or emotional abuse include: - chronic fatigue - muscle tension - involuntary shaking - physical pain without cause If your partner experiences these symptoms, have them go to their regular doctor/general practitioner, and see if there is anything the doctor can to do help these symptoms.