Anger after relationships
I’m in my thirties, and in the past six months, I’ve seen many serious relationships around me fall apart like I’ve never seen before.
We invest in our romantic relationships in ways we don’t normally do with other important people in our lives. We love, we give, we sacrifice, we compromise non-stop. We lose ourselves.
So when a relationships crashes and burns, we get angry. We get so angry about that person and ourselves for being such a fool. How could I have been so in love with this asshole? How could I have not seen this coming? How could I have ignored those red flags? Where did all this go wrong? I’m such an idiot, we tell ourselves.
Suddenly, we have so much time on our hands again. So much time to think and reflect on this... The WORST.
There’s also a whole host of fear of the future that comes along with a breakup. There’s that fear of being single again and having to go through a bunch of shitty dates. There’s that fear of looking like an idiot online after you delete bunch of super cute pictures with that asshole. There’s that fear of ‘coming out’ to family and friends who also thought he was ‘the one’, or even worse, they said don’t date that guy and you ignored their advice anyway and got yourself in this mess.
Then, we start tracing back our steps. Where could I have made the exit in a way it could’ve been less painful? Then you realize, you had seen it coming all along. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. I’m the worst.
Then, your ego starts talking. How DARE he do this to me. Who the fuck does he think he is?
Then, you have a moment of relapse, thinking of all those sweet, cute moments where nothing else mattered but you two, and you even miss this fucking asshole. Was that all even real? You HATE yourself for feeling this way.
Then, you remember that selfish thing he did and all the petty little things that bugged you about him, you go back to full out angry mode against him.
Before you realize, you’ve spent the whole day thinking about him, just feeling so angry. So angry at the world, the guy, yourself.
Those are just some of the reasons why we get so angry. That anger, is a perfectly natural reaction after such an agonizing life change. It’s a rough, rough time.
The anger must go for you to heal and fully move on. That dark cloud of energy within you, is IN you and you think it’s not going to go away but it will, with time.
Let’s say in this imaginary breakup, you did everything right. You were the perfect partner. Start looking at it from his perspective, and taking into account, him as a person, starting from how he was raised, where he is today in his life stage. Take your ego and emotions out of the equation, take the right or wrong out of it. Remove yourself and the stories in your head and really look at what he did. Whatever the situation, however messy the breakup, detach yourself from your stories, and look at it from his perspective. You don’t want to do it, but try. Then maybe, just a tiny little speck of empathy will show up in your heart and start pushing that negative dark energy out of you.
“When you begin to see that your enemy is suffering, that is the beginning of insight.” - Thich Nhat Hanh (via thecalminside)
Anger, is so hard on our soul. Again, it is a natural reaction to crappy things that happen to us in our lives and we can’t escape it, but we can manage it. Anger can be used towards motivating us to do better in certain areas too. It’s not all bad but drowning in anger and replaying those stories that make you feel so angry and hateful is not doing anyone any good.
Be rational. Observe your thoughts and notice your emotions. When anger comes knocking, open the door and acknowledge, look at it, and say hey, I know you, I get you, I get why you are here, maybe you can sneak in for a bit, but you can’t linger here because I have better things to do. I love myself, and there’s no place for anger and darkness in my heart.
It takes time. Anger comes knocking on the door very often. But it stops visiting with each passing day as you stop feeding it with stories of what happened, what could have been, what he would’ve said if you said this. These are mostly imaginary fights we are having within our brain.
Be mindful of your thoughts. Be kind to yourself and don’t let anger take up anymore of your energy.
“Die before you die” - If you were dying within the next 10 days... are you really going to spend it being angry about this guy? All those petty things you’re angry about, Is this really something you’d be agonizing over in your deathbed?
Nothing in life is permanent. This pain and suffering will pass. Trust the universe.
