Control
Some mornings Evan found it difficult to choose which one of his many selves to be. He’d choose different combinations of things, both tangible and intangible, to create himself anew each morning. Toothpaste and mouthwash combination - did he want to be Ethan with extra white teeth today or Ethan with healthy gums? Did he use shower gel or soap, then did he leave scenting himself to a minimum, allowing the fresh, clean scent of his just showered self to the forefront initially before being overtaken by his natural musk? Did he put on a dab of perfume oil, leaving those he interacted with, however fleetingly, a hint of a hint of a scent, or did he spray himself? Did he shave or grow the beard another few days? Shape it? Keep just a moustache? What should he wear? Should he present himself as a type A, wearing one of his tailored suits, or dress down somewhat and appear humble? Go full on casual and affect a devil-may-care irreverence?
As one might glean from the above, the many small decisions, whether conscious or not, that Evan made every morning shaped how he would start the day viewing himself. Of course, not living in a vacuum, outside influences would have an effect, as well as what he did once he left home to tackle the day.
Each day, as we all do, Evan either invented or chose a persona. These little things, done consciously and with infinite attention to detail made each day different, each Evan different. Which friends he saw or spoke with or texted on any given day, what book he read, what films or television programmes he watched, what he ate and when, what he drank and how often - they all added up to form a new ‘Evan’. He had long known that he didn’t react to things the same way on different days and had, upon self reflection and self analysis, realised that the things he did on a daily basis affected his bearing, his mood, his being. Setting out to change things, and to attempt to get some kind of stability in his otherwise unstable life, he shaped himself consciously.
The more he focussed on creating himself, the more he realised we are all products of our actions, our environments, our choices - no matter how small. He also noticed that most people were content with self adjusting to balance the effects of said factors. Experience had shown him his feeling of control increased as his literal control over as many of the factors also increased. For the first time since the incident, he felt he had taken back the control that had been so forcefully taken.