He forced the realisation of his true age upon himself again and again. In his mind, unless he was forced himself to remember that yes, he had indeed aged with the world, he was still seventeen, not thirty.
He found that he had to snap out of it and remember most when he was in a state of lust. He found himself, not having changed his habits much since school, lusting after girls the age he himself was mentally stuck in. Until he realised that they were still girls and he was now a man.
‘They look older every year’ he’d tell himself, despite knowing that really, ‘they’ look the same age now as they always did, he’d just started viewing them through an ever ageing viewpoint. The ‘god, you’re so young!’ he’d come out with really meant ‘am I really that much older?’
So he forced himself to realise his true age so he wouldn’t get carried away, so he wouldn’t get himself into a situation he wouldn’t be able to get out of - so he could start doing ‘grown up things’ for real instead of going through the motions and pretending to do grown up things.
Small steps, he told himself before he started living the life he was pretending to live. He liked how he felt wearing a suit - like he was one of those ‘powerful’ men he’d see going to and from work when he was on his way to school, so he saved up and got a suit made - if he was going to wear one every day and he liked how he felt in an off-the-rack suit, he imagined he’d feel even better in a bespoke one. He did.
He drank wine at professional events and beer at social ones, and hearing all about the floral notes, the undertones and the terroir, he decided to educate himself and start appreciating wine more. Until then, he knew what he liked and what he didn’t like, but never really thought about why he liked one wine and disliked another. Initially he’d chalked it up to the colour, then the grape, then the region, until he had a mental map of what he liked and the multitude of factors that affected his tastes. He started having conversations with those he’d considered ‘in the know’ and found that not only could he understand what they were talking about, it was mainly crap. Since he had educated himself ‘formally’ only on the terminology but all the rest was according to his personal tastes, he found himself disagreeing with their regurgitated likes and dislikes. He wasn’t jumping on a wine critic’s bandwagon, he was making his mind up about his tastes.
He had started to change, and wasn’t sure whether he was changing for himself or for others, but didn’t mind - he liked the change.