i survived you

and now i will write about you

[ocdeez-nutz]

WTF am I doing?!

They call my sponsor "the hammer". I keep chasing after women that feel like fixers. I don't want the pattern to repeat itself. I just wanted to feel held, thats all.

[ocdeez-nutz]

I'm sorry and I mean it

I wish I could make my amends to you. I truly mean them. If I had known you wouldn't be here at the end of it, I would have done so many things differently.

[ocdeez-nutz]

Sitting in twelve step meetings, trying to pray to god to forgive me

[ocdeez-nutz]

It’s hard to celebrate my birthday or even want to when you raped me two birthdays ago.

[ocdeez-nutz]

I lost everything that mattered so deeply to me, what is left?

[ocdeez-nutz]

Thousand of dollars, hours upon hours on the therapy couch, sobs in the bathroom. You don’t own me, you never did. I still feel haunted by you sometimes anyways.

[ocdeez-nutz]

I promised you I’d never make an Instagram post about you.

[ocdeez-nutz]

It’s been one year.

[ocdeez-nutz]

December 11th 2024

I fold my body over the arm of your couch

to make an offering of myself

 rock the anger inside of you to sleep

The kind that turns your eyes dark

reflecting my own fear back to me

I don’t pretend to know why you do the monstrous things you do to me

But I play your game all the same

Lose battles to win the war

Protect what is precious

But accept that I cannot protect all of me

I like the shape of my nose

so I ask you to spare it and beat into my personhood instead

and I beg you that when you push inside me

You do it gently

Clean up after yourself

scoop out the scars

you’ve left behind

but you are anything but gentle as you

take from me

emptying my body into a hollow void

my spirit floating to your ceiling

staring down

watching you further penalize me when I am not slick on command

I can’t help that my body rejects you

muscles gripping tight trying to shut you out

lock the door

I float down again

stare into your dilatated pupils searching for love

But I find contempt instead

In whispers

I offer comfort emptier than the body I speak to

It will be over soon

[ocdeez-nutz]

there is a very fine line between voluntary suffering and catharsis

[lelarmoyante]

all i want is to go home, but i dont know where to find it

[myc0nf3ssion]

Please please please let me get what I want (being able to cut myself without people worrying)

[dullblad3]

me when a minor inconvenience

[w1sh1ngw3ll-deactivated20260119]

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

No I just wanna k1ll myself.

[gaysie]

I’m like a haunted house but i’m a girl

[bodycheck]

[sickeningdesire-deactivated2024]

sorry about being mentally ill, the sex will be bomb though