I don't use this for personal things and nobody reads this anyway so I'm just going to lay our my entire heart.
I am a terrible person.
I have been married (f/f) for 2 years, together for much longer, we have a child. Last year my depression came back. This is not an excuse for what I did, it's merely some information to frame what I did. I was miserable. I thought my wife hated me, thought I was a burden. It didn't help that she told me these things, but she says people say things they don't mean in arguements, that she never meant it.
Anyway. I became friends with a girl at work. We had been socially friendly for a while but became closer due to another friend. We clicked properly, felt like I could tell her anything, felt happy, she got my misery to an extent that it felt like nobody else could. I know now I romanticised all of our interactions, that I told myself that I was unhappy in my life and she was changing it. I was unhappy, but not in my life. I was unhappy in my very heart and soul and trying to paper over it with outside things, when I should have gone to my wife and asked for help. I was afraid that she wouldn't see me as her strong person anymore. I've always been the one who can fox Everything for her. I never stopped loving her, I just felt lonely and stupid for feeling love for someone I felt hated me.
So in December I did something I always said I would NEVER do. I went to a party with her, then we went to her house and slept together.
For various reasons this caused a lot of drama at home, but I didn't tell my wife what happend. I didn't end it either. I kept seeing the other woman and felt myself falling in love with her. She felt the same.
I think it wasn't real, it was just fake feelings based on lies and my desperation for someone to love me and keep my misery at bay. I don't want sympathy for my misery, I'm just trying to work it all out for myself.
In may it all came to a head, my wife and I had a row and ultimately I told her what was going on. She is trying to forgive me and work on our marriage. I haven't seen the other woman.
But.
I haven't seen anyone. None of my friends have messaged me and I haven't seen them in over a month. One friend has but she's so close to the situation that my wife doesn't want me to see her, understandably. But now I feel so alone. All I have is my wife and she acts like she hates me. She calls me a selfish cunt a lot and I know I deserve it because it's what I am. I've done a terrible thing. But I don't know how to settle this person I have become in my own head. I will never be a good person, ever again. I'm a terrible human being. I literally don't know how to live with myself. I'm on medication for my depression now and starting a new job in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping these things will help, but I'm struggling so much right now.
I'm so lonely and hateful towards myself and I know I deserve it, I know there's no one out there who's going to tell me it's ok, I'm still a good person. Because I'm not and if they did I wouldn't believe them.
I just want to be good again.



















