What Is Tumblr For? @ocdkirrin - Tumblr Blog

I don't use this for personal things and nobody reads this anyway so I'm just going to lay our my entire heart.

I am a terrible person.

I have been married (f/f) for 2 years, together for much longer, we have a child. Last year my depression came back. This is not an excuse for what I did, it's merely some information to frame what I did. I was miserable. I thought my wife hated me, thought I was a burden. It didn't help that she told me these things, but she says people say things they don't mean in arguements, that she never meant it.

Anyway. I became friends with a girl at work. We had been socially friendly for a while but became closer due to another friend. We clicked properly, felt like I could tell her anything, felt happy, she got my misery to an extent that it felt like nobody else could. I know now I romanticised all of our interactions, that I told myself that I was unhappy in my life and she was changing it. I was unhappy, but not in my life. I was unhappy in my very heart and soul and trying to paper over it with outside things, when I should have gone to my wife and asked for help. I was afraid that she wouldn't see me as her strong person anymore. I've always been the one who can fox Everything for her. I never stopped loving her, I just felt lonely and stupid for feeling love for someone I felt hated me.

So in December I did something I always said I would NEVER do. I went to a party with her, then we went to her house and slept together.

For various reasons this caused a lot of drama at home, but I didn't tell my wife what happend. I didn't end it either. I kept seeing the other woman and felt myself falling in love with her. She felt the same.

I think it wasn't real, it was just fake feelings based on lies and my desperation for someone to love me and keep my misery at bay. I don't want sympathy for my misery, I'm just trying to work it all out for myself.

In may it all came to a head, my wife and I had a row and ultimately I told her what was going on. She is trying to forgive me and work on our marriage. I haven't seen the other woman.

But.

I haven't seen anyone. None of my friends have messaged me and I haven't seen them in over a month. One friend has but she's so close to the situation that my wife doesn't want me to see her, understandably. But now I feel so alone. All I have is my wife and she acts like she hates me. She calls me a selfish cunt a lot and I know I deserve it because it's what I am. I've done a terrible thing. But I don't know how to settle this person I have become in my own head. I will never be a good person, ever again. I'm a terrible human being. I literally don't know how to live with myself. I'm on medication for my depression now and starting a new job in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping these things will help, but I'm struggling so much right now.

I'm so lonely and hateful towards myself and I know I deserve it, I know there's no one out there who's going to tell me it's ok, I'm still a good person. Because I'm not and if they did I wouldn't believe them.

I just want to be good again.

#affair #lonely #sad

angelgayswift

Taylor singing very clearly “HER midnights” at the TIME 100 gala

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Visit Original Link

Beach Boys - Wouldn’t It Be Nice From Another Room

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I can’t listen to this without crying

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I’m going to reblog this at least twice a day increasing in frequency until it’s the only content on my blog…… nothing else matters…… at all……..

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4.26

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Hey if you haven't seen it yet there's a music video by Hollie Col called Let Yourself Down that's gay and cute

I have seen it and it’s actually Too Relatable:

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This song speaks for itself

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Whaaaaaattttt?!

This is amazing and I’m going to have “me and my ladies/we were born in the eighties” stuck in my head all day and will be repeating it to all my eighties ladies forevermore. (Prepare yourself friends.)

mviread

Betty’s Reading Room

Located in Orkney, an archipelago off the North coast of Scotland, this remarkable yet unusual memorial was created by a couple as a fitting tribute for Betty, a late friend who died unexpectedly. The couple combined Betty’s love of books and Orkney by converting a derelict cottage into a ‘reading room.’ The aim was to encourage reading and to provide shelter for passengers waiting to catch the ferry to Rousay, whilst also keeping Betty’s memory alive using what she loved the most, books.

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On February 13th, 2019, after 15 years, Opportunity Rover is declared dead. The last transmission:

my battery is low, and it is getting dark. i have been here, searching, and exploring, and documenting, because humans in all their fragile wonderful humanity looked up,and saw the stars, and named them after heroes that died horrible lonely deaths, and after the large animals that shared their velvety nights, and after lovers and they wrote themselves into the skies. thousands of years later, they sent me to join them, to travel the stars, to this place that is home-but-not-a-home. hello, how are you? i said to the barren rocks and the orange dust and the sunsets that are beautiful in the same way that the dark blue of ocean trenches is beautiful. i am opportunity, and i’m here to tell you stories about these strange beings that build machines to reach the stars. and i am here to tell them stories about you. fifteen times around the sun, and i spun through nights and days, and i sent pictures back across the gulf, and on earth - tiny and blue and temporary - people looked at the images and gasped, and showed them to their friends, and cried over them in the feeltoomuch hours of the nights, and looked up at the bits of forever they could see from the ground - the galaxies and planets and moons and stars- and i hope they thought of me, patiently beaming pictures of otherness back to them. i am (was?) only a metal frame with some electronics. i am not human, and i was not born, but the scientists with stars in their hearts named me and put some of their own precious humanity into me. so among the rocks and the dust, i roam, and i explore, and i am so far from home hello, my name is opportunity. what is this? what is this? what is this? a storm roared out of the ether eight months ago and savaged part of my metal frame, that nothingness-but-somethingness. i am tired, and i am damaged. and it has been so long, and this red dust is making it hard to sing. my humans, they tried to save me. for eight long months, they tried to reach me, but part of being human is the heartbreak, and after all, i was never supposed to last this long. my battery is low, and it is getting dark. my name was opportunity. the stars say hello.

dankmemesreasonforliving

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A quarter of a century after leaving Neverland and the stars of Hook have recreated their look to mark the film’s 25th anniversary

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THIS IS THE CUTEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK CAUSE CUTENESS

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me before work: i hate work i would honestly rather die than set foot in that building even just the idea of working makes my stomach churn FUCK working FUCK my boss FUCK the customers and mostly FUCK capitalism

me at work: honestly? this isn’t bad! i’m just doing my thing! making some money! it’s not like i would be doing anything constructive at home anyway! i love working!

me after work: that was the worst day of my whole entire life i wish i was dead FUCK working FUCK my boss FUCK the customers and mostly FUCK capitalism