Cole and Partners “review” items from the future. (Part 3)
Part 3: Retro Video Games
Pong (Atari Home Version, 1975)
As a bonus, this is the first time these guys have a ‘big screen’ (at least by their standards) television.
At first, they think it’s some sort of radio due to the knobs and speaker in the center of the console.
When they switch it on, they’re a little frazzled by the all the weird moving blocks that just suddenly appear on the opening screen.
Stefan is the one that (unwittingly) hits the start button, and the little pixel nyooms to one side of the screen and scores a point.
Not really knowing what to do, the five men just kinda…watch the game play itself for about 20 seconds before Cole figures out the knobs make the on screen paddles move.
Cole: I think it’s supposed to be like an alternative version of tennis…?
Now that they know what to do, each of them takes a turn playing against one another. While some of them end up getting a little competitive (*Cough* Roy Earle *Cough*) it’s actually a pretty laid back experience overall.
Roy, picking up the Zapper: What…the fuck is this supposed to be?
Rusty: Do guns look like this in the future? Is what we’re going to be toting when the moon men invade?
“You’re actually going to be aiming and firing it at the television.”
Once it is made clear that the gun uses light, not real bullets, each of the detectives are given a quick run down of the controls before being turned loose.
Funnily enough, each of them holds the light gun as if they’re about to put down a bank robber.
They hold a little bit of a contest to see who can make it the farthest:
Herschel: Round 3 (kept his stance the whole time, arms got tired)
Fun Fact: While Cole was playing his turn, he was so focused that he didn’t say a word the whole time. It was actually a little bit unsettling to watch him silently mow down a bunch of virtual ducks.
And in case you’re wondering, yes they (aside from Cole and Herschel) tried to shoot the dog.
Roy, after missing a duck the first time: Did that fucking mutt just laugh at me? *Rapidly clicks the trigger*
Mortal Kombat (Sega Genesis Version, 1993)
Everyone has some degree of either awe or discomfort on their face at the sight of the digitized actors.
Unlike Pong, there’s actually an organized tournament structure this time around:
Round 1: Cole (Liu Kang) vs. Stefan (Sub Zero)
Even with the brief explanation of what each of the buttons on the controllers do, none of these guys have any idea what they’re doing.
So what ends up happening is a bunch of panicked buTTOn MasHINg.
Cole is also a man of many questions, even in the middle of the fight to the death:
Cole: Was that blood just then when I punched you? Why does it look like strawberry jam? Why am I frozen? What do they by mean “Finish Him?” etc. etc.
Before any of those questions get an answer, Stefan lands an awkward finishing punch, making him the victor.
Round 2: Herschel (Johnny Cage) vs. Rusty (Kano)
Herschel: Which one of these buttons do I use to make this guy move again?
Rusty attempts to just make Kano walk away, only to be stopped by the border of the screen.
When they do start fighting, it’s somehow more awkward fight than Cole and Stefan’s.
But then something…interesting occurs.
Herschel Biggs. Successfully performs a fatality. Completely by accident.
He (and the other detectives sitting around watching) is stunned into silence as Johnny Cage punches Kano’s head off.
Herschel, after a moment: I…I don’t think I want to play this anymore.
He then puts down the controller and resigns from the rest of the tournament.
Round 3: Stefan (Sub-Zero) vs. Roy (Scorpion) the battle for Cole’s heart
Stefan: Y’know…I’ve always secretly wanted a chance to punch you in the face, Roy.
Roy: You can try, kid. But none of those punches are gonna land.
While it turns out to be a tense match, Roy ends up pulling one of the most detested tactics in fighting games:
Bekowsky ends up fighting the good fight for as long as he can, but his opponent’s underhanded tactics unfortunately prevail.
But right as Roy is basking in his victory…a new challenger enters the room and picks up the controller:
Jack Kelso Joins the Battle!
Final Round: Roy (Scorpion) vs. Jack (Rayden)
How…how on earth is Kelso so good at this game?
Roy is doing his damndest, but his previous tactics are doing nothing against Rayden’s teleporting and projectile attacks.
The whole fight is over in a little over a minute.
While Roy appears to be in a state of shock, Jack checks his watch, picks up his jacket, and gets up to leave.
Roy: Hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going?
Jack: I have a meeting at five. And I don’t have time to hear your excuses of how you just lost.
(*Door slams behind him*)
Author’s Note: My original idea for Kelso’s not Smash Brothers intro was: Jack Kelso Insures His Victory! but I chickened out on the pun so now it’s down here.
