oh, look, my meme tag, for no reason at all.

if i look back, i am lost

Kiana Khansmith
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

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Keni
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

izzy's playlists!

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Claire Keane
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Xuebing Du

ellievsbear
we're not kids anymore.
i don't do bad sauce passes

Origami Around

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@ofexaltations
oh, look, my meme tag, for no reason at all.
“Was it lust or hunger? How could I tell the difference?”
— Margaret Atwood, from Stone Mattress: Nine Wicked Tales; “Lusus Naturae,” (via bluebeardsbride)
@worldevoured-a sent :: 💏 for varric, from kat! and got 38: because yours is running out of time!
Kat was making her mind up, and fast. He didn’t have much time- - he could see the way her mind turned towards doing something, doing something rash, and doing it now.
She was already rolling over, away from him. He knew as soon as her hand wrapped around the knife she kept on her nightstand, she was as good as lost. It was late. She asked about what he was reading, idly as she flopped bonelessly on the bed. He, foolishly, didn’t wrap it in enough of a story to keep her sleepy. She was better at reading through his lines than he gave her credit for, and he vastly underestimated how hungry she was, even in the Manor in Hightown, her family’s place (what was left of it) secured- well, it had been long established she was insatiable.
Varric knew his headstone- if he had one- would read “Here lies the grandest fool in the Free Marches.”
He rolled with her, his papers falling to the floor as he found himself half on top of her, her wrist in his ink stained grip. Protests muffled by his lips, the dark haired rogue beneath him melting at the attentions- for a moment, at least, before she used both hands to push him up just a fraction. Thank the Maker. Kat was unstoppable, once her mind was truly made up to do something and he was tired. (Letting her go face Kirkwall alone while he slept in her bed? Not a chance.)
“I know what you’re doing.” A look back to her knife, both her hands against his chest, threaded through the hair at the center, revealed his haphazardly buttoned tunic.
He leaned down with some effort and caught her lips again, earning a little laugh at his audacity. “Is it working?” Muttered against her lips, his hands going to either side of her ribcage and he held his own weight up.
“No-” but a kiss in return, her hands leaving his chest reluctantly to trail down his side, release his hair from the half-pony he kept it in to keep it out of his face.
“Sounds like I need to keep trying, then- -”
@swordandsorrow said :: "D'you think if I went to sleep, they'd have decided where they wanted to go by the time I woke up?" Roderick mutters from his position on the floor, two-thirds out of his armor and sprawled far enough out of the way not to trip anyone, but not quite far enough not to make people step around him. " 'f I knew things were going to be this boring, Herald, I'd have brought liquor."
The meetings had been more exciting recently, Amos hardly faulted Roderick for expecting more entertainment. (It all felt like he was steering a ship that was sailing straight into a storm, this was a rare meeting of just diplomacy.)
@quiprava sent: 💏 Helena & Shaw and got #33- forcefully!
It took him a few tries to get here- her delicate fingers pulling and pressing and leaving marks in urgency. She was just so willowy. He was half sure he would break her in two if he held her too tightly and yet- - -
@rebellantes said:
‘I should never have fallen in love with you.’ Mahanon knew this would be hard. Too hard, perhaps. What was he thinking, letting himself slip like this? With a shem, a *noble* shem at that. 'Estranged' from his family or not, it meant suitors and the like were lining Skyholds main hall. No matter how pretty he was, how would the knife-ear mage compare?
Amos wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear his healer’s quiet musing. They did not use the word love often- there was danger to it, Amos personally catching himself out of some sailor’s superstition of losing what he wants most by being too overt, too forward, by giving it a name. (Funny, considering he flirted shamelessly with the elf from the moment he met him.) Still, he slipped, calling the mage ‘love’ more often than not, sweet words laced with love, love, love as he kissed down the lean lines he had come so familiar with.
@ofexaltations sent: “because i wanted you. more than i ever wanted anything in my life.” shaw to companion Soren / Outlander Starters / Selectively Accepting
|| ╳ || Which then begged the question: Why on bloody Thedas did he ever wait so long? Why, after those moments they’d shared in the shadows of Denerim together, had he told Leliana that he cared for Soren no differently than the rest of them?
Soren had spent those weeks before the battle with the Archdemon in a battle with himself. It had taken his willpower to make sure that he’d held back, that he hadn’t shown what he felt after hearing Shaw had tell Leliana that he didn’t want him. Soren had swallowed the hurt and pain that had followed, and tried not to show it, tried to make it seem like he’d moved on.
And now, all these months after, all these weeks apart, Shaw says that he had wanted him? Soren didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You had a funny way of showing it,” he pointed out.
“You… I overheard you that morning in Denerim. With Leliana,” he went on to reveal, eyes finally daring to look up into Shaw’s. “You’d said that you didn’t think of me any differently than you did the others.” This wasn’t the easiest of conversations; Soren’s stomach roiled and churned. Smart as he was, emotions were still something he had remained ignorant in for so long.
“Even though we’d… we’d been close the night before. I thought…” he shook his head, “I guess I just accepted that it had ended up just being a drunken impulse.” It had felt so real in the moment. Shaw’s lips against his, murmuring his name in low, rough whispers, the warrior pressing his back firmly against that wall so tightly he’d almost been lifted off of his feet. It had broken his heart to ‘find out’ that Shaw hadn’t felt the same.
“Why did you wait so long?”
Forgive him, Soren, for his first reaction being anger. The way his blood grew hot behind his eyes, in his temples, his throat; how it sang as it spread like wildfire down his arms and settled in his fists. (Thank the Maker he was not born a mage, surely the fire in his blood would have set half of Denerim aflame before the Templars could have gotten to him.) He was a beast, half simple and half mad and those he loved suffered for both. (Loved, yes, he loved Soren, has for longer than he knew what to do with. He was going to die, he had chosen to die to keep Alistair from doing so, since Surana would rather have them both die if it meant saving her hide. There was no good in loving then.)
- - -
Shaw was different, in Denerim. Bolder. Surer. Better humored. Better. He was more like himself. More like how he used to be. Everyone knew him, it seemed, including the surly Edwina. “Handsome as his father, as mouthy as his mother.” she said with a scoff before offering her cheek for a kiss from the now-grown lad. He had drank that night, carousing with the men who knew him from their hungry childhoods, who had survived, many of them guards, many of them criminals. He had kept Soren close, putting his arm around the back of the mage’s chair, then around his shoulder, offering asides and little jokes with his lips brushing his hair, making sure the mage was included, was present, was meeting his oldest friends while the big warrior was throwing back shots fast enough to even beat his Warden metabolism.
They were the last to leave the tavern, after Shaw hesitating when Edwina offered to put them both up for the night- she had a spare room, he had certainly paid for it with how much he drank. (Him and the mage, away from the others, one bed in what they’d consider luxury, drink in their blood and no interruptions. Yes, he wanted that, but the thought of the others in the city without him snapped him out of his hesitation. No, they had to go.)
He kept the mage close, arm wrapped around his shoulder, the more slender man tucked against him securely. It was half security, half to keep himself upright, as he chatted merrily to the lad about his rapscallion youth on those streets. Some small noise sent him to pressing the mage against the wall, his own body shielding him- even drunk enough to be stumbling, the instincts remained. Head turned to listen hard, when he deemed the coast clear he looked back to Soren, who was staring up to him with his lips slightly parted, breathing labored. Shaw could feel his pulse thundering under his hands as he pressed the mage against the wall.
He didn’t think. He lowered his head and their lips met in a tender, apologetic kiss. “Sorry, I heard something.” Muttered against Soren’s mouth, it was so easy to kiss him again, and again, hunger and want surfacing- so long buried by duty and his impending death. He didn’t hear Leliana and Zevran until they were almost rounding the corner, their laughter snapping him out of the madness that gripped him while he desperately kissed the mage, like it had been all he’d thought about for months, like it was the last thing he wanted to do before he gave his life to kill the Archdemon. He spun to the side and was laughing when their rogues found them, breathless and well kissed.
Shaw didn’t remember that.
He only remembered waking up with a vicious hangover the next day, with Leliana cornering him. You care for him, don’t you? His head was spinning as it was, Sister, hardly kind to spring this on him. “Aye. As I care for all of you.” Shaw didn’t want to talk about it. Least of all with her. Now. The look in her eye, calling him a liar, the clever little quirk of her mouth that meant she had a secret- some knowledge she would use against him if she had to. He felt pinned, bitter anger rising in his throat, but he bit back the bile and sighed. “He’s a good lad.” Resigned, half whispered. Any more prying earned her nothing as he stood and excused himself.
- - -
Forgive him, Soren, for his reaction being anger. He felt doublecrossed- he knew she was hiding something. That something was Soren. Shaw had to take a step back, breathe deeply, hold on to control. He knew the physical process of keeping his cool. Still, his voice showed agitation when he finally spoke. “Did you ever consider the answer would have been different if you had asked it yourself?” Bitter and low, but heavy with truth. No, Shaw wouldn’t have been able to lie to Soren. He was barely able to lie to Leliana about it, and hardly convincingly.
“I was worried about what Surana would do.” Rightfully so, given her reaction after the Blight in sending Soren to Soldier’s Peak. “And we had the Blight to get through. You knew- “ He had told Soren before even the two other Wardens, who didn’t know until Riordan let it slip- “That I was marching to my death. I wanted you so terribly it was a knife to the chest. To act on it would have been pure selfishness- -” His voice was raising and he stopped himself, taking another deep breath. Why didn’t you act, Shaw? like it didn’t eat him alive at night, consumed him as terribly as any of his furies. Like it was easy to not.
There was something else- -
“What do you mean drunken impulse?” By the Maker, what had he done? Something horrible enough to cause Soren and Leliana to conspire, obviously, but how far did it go? He had wanted Soren. He was consumed by it. How many times had he thought about rolling him over while they laid together in their tent, kissing him, muffling his moans with his lips, or bathing, or alone for any period of time or on long marches where his mind could wander, invariably settling on how the mage would look taking his cock. His brows unknit to go from his scowl of agitation to an open look of worry. The night at the Gnawed Noble. “What did I do?”
based on this suggestions blog. warning: these are pretty dark/angry & could be triggering to some people. please be cautious before proceeding!!
‘ all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly & me to not flinch away without meaning to. when will this stop affecting me? ’ ‘ all i want is to be soft & gentle, but i’m made out of steel & anger. maybe in another life, i guess. ’ ‘ beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so choose to see beauty in everything. ’ ‘ burning it all to the ground & force them to start again. they made you lose everything. now return the favor. ’ ‘ do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own? ’ ‘ do you trust me enough? do you trust me at all? ’ ‘ don’t you dare abandon me. ’ ‘ even after all you have done, i will always want you fighting on my side. ’ ‘ every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again. ’ ‘ everyone i have ever loved is long gone. i sing to the sky alone. ’ ‘ everyone i touch gets hurt, but i can’t stop. i touch & i touch & i touch & people get hurt. why can’t i ever stop? ’ ‘ everyone says i used to be a hero, but i can still taste the blood in my mouth & still feel bruises blooming because of my fists & my eyes are still stretched wide & terrified. ’ ‘ everything i love has been taken from me. what do i have left to fight for? ’ ‘ fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong. ’ ‘ friends are more important than any material object will ever be. ’ ‘ i am aching to hold you & keep you safe, to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you. ’ ‘ i am divine & you will bow before me. ’ ‘ i am fucking divine. ’ ‘ i am in control & i listen to no one. ’ ‘ i am not a good person. don’t pretend i am. ’ ‘ i am not accustomed to love. this is a learning experience. ’ ‘ i am not worth saving & i am not worth redemption. let me stay in the dark. ’ ‘ i am so tired all the time, all i want to do is rest. ’ ‘ i am too tired to deal with any of this. ’ ‘ i bow to no man. ’ ‘ i broke into sharp pieces when i broke & i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together. i’m sorry. ’ ‘ i can give you your wings back & i can show you to fly once more, if you only believe in me. ’ ‘ i cannot be saved. ’ ‘ i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people. i can bear this weight on my own. i have to. ’ ‘ i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you, but i loved you too much to notice. ’ ‘ i crave affection in the simplest way. ’ ‘ i deserve to hurt. i deserve to bleed. ’ ‘ i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me. ’ ‘ i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer, as long as it leaves your lips. ’ ‘ i don’t fight for you anymore. ’ ‘ i don’t want to let go of you. not now, not ever. ’ ‘ i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to remember. i don’t want to heal. all i want is for it to go away. ’ ‘ i don’t want you to touch me. please don’t touch me, just go away. ’ ‘ i feel anger deeper than my bones. i feel anger in my very soul. ’ ‘ i feel nothing at all, except for when i feel everything all at once. ’ ‘ i have fallen & though i may miss the sky, i belong here now. ’ ‘ i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine. ’ ‘ i have no home anymore. ’ ‘ i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand & then i remember nothing. ’ ‘ i see beauty in everything, but especially in you. ’ ‘ i should never have fallen in love with you. ’ ‘ i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me. now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away. ’ ‘ i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe. ’ ‘ i will never amount to anything. i am a failure in the worst type of way. ’ ‘ i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me & maybe someday it will be true. ’ ‘ if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore. ’ ‘ if you ask me to, i will set the whole world on fire, my dear. it’s all for you. ’ ‘ is it my fault? it’s my fault. it’s always my fault. ’ ‘ it’s not murder if they deserved it, right? ’ ‘ i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me, choking on anger & suffocating on sadness. ’ ‘ i’m in love with everything that hurts me. ’ ‘ i’m okay. i’m alright. this is all in my mind. ’ ‘ i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me. ’ ‘ i’m so cold & i can’t stop shaking. i am not who you think i am. ’ ‘ i’m so tired all the time & i just want to be awake again. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten. i just want someone to remember me. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting everything in my life. just make it stop. ’ ‘ i’m too tired to care. blow up, get angry at me. i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it. ’ ‘ jealousy burns within me. ’ ‘ just let me go in peace for once in my damn life. ’ ‘ loneliness is a disease & it leaves me empty & hollow, like sound goes through my body & bounces back. ’ ‘ made of starlight & sunshine, i shine brighter than they all know. ’ ‘ my anger is righteous & my actions are pure. ’ ‘ my chest aches & my lungs burn. this sickness comes from the inside. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & all i need is some comfort & understanding. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & i ache to go back to the sky. ’ ‘ my shoulders are aching where wings used to be & all i want is for them to stop hurting. ’ ‘ pull me apart & piece me together in your own way. make me perfect. ’ ‘ righteous fury throws through my veins & if you touch the people i love i will destroy you. ’ ‘ rise up. you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more. ’ ‘ say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue. ’ ‘ so much blood has been spilled in my name. time to make you believe it was in yours. ’ ‘ so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent, but not when i scream & plead for help? fuck off. ’ ‘ sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want. ’ ‘ stay away from my fucking friends. stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you. ’ ‘ stop treating me like i’m an idiot. you aren’t better than me in any way & you better remember that. ’ ‘ the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue. ’ ‘ the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it. ’ ‘ to love them is my divine right. ’ ‘ voices whisper from the shadows & they fill my mind with thoughts of you. ’ ‘ what did i to wrong to be so unloved? ’ ‘ what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it? ’ ‘ who the fuck do you think you are? ’ ‘ why can’t i ever fucking stop crying? ’ ‘ with a new year comes new tests & triumphs. let’s try to make the most out of it. ’ ‘ would it really kill you to be honest for once? ’ ‘ yes, i remember my wings breaking & being destroyed. i was powerless to stop it. ’ ‘ you are not required to love your parents, or to even like them. ’ ‘ you can’t hate me more than i hate myself, but you are more than welcome to try. ’ ‘ you may say you love me, but you love only a part of me. i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being. ’ ‘ you never fucking cared about me. don’t fucking lie about it. not to me. ’ ‘ you remind me of mint. fresh, sharp, kind of cold, but in a nice way. i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite. ’ ‘ you shine light in even the darkest parts of me. you are my sun. ’ ‘ you should fear me, but you don’t. i will be eternally puzzled, yet grateful. ’ ‘ you touch me & my skin burns & it burns for you, always you. ’
Housekeeping updates:
So, now that I’m no longer working 70 hours a week, I’m gonna try to get back into this thing. One major barrier for me is ever shifting muse and lack of will to go through and change things on this damn site. So I simplified it. A bit.
I’m here to write with my friends and have a good time. Coding, writing up bios for characters I’d really rather you ask me about, aesthetics- that’s not a good time to me. I don’t write without talking to my partners beforehand anyway.
What this means: New blog page listing characters with a short byline about them! Old blog pages are still up and accessible, but really, I’d just prefer to talk about it and talk through them.
Not much of an update, but here it is for the issue of transparency!
@worldevoured // sent the meme: “Can I touch you?” for evie and seb !!
The hours immediately following midnight were the only time Evie felt the same peace in the Kirkwall Chantry as she did back in Ostwick- devoid of people, but with the life of its own in the shadows and fire that said more than any Reverend Mother ever had. Shame on them, she supposed, for disrupting the rare peace as they did, stumbling in through the doors with the stifled laughter of the battle high and victorious.
Lewis Tan in Wu Assassins
rafikecoyote: Lewis Tan in Wu Assassins
Lewis Tan by Bryan Becker
not dead! just very, very ill. get your flu shots, people. i’ve lost over a whole week of my life in a blink because of it.
@quiprava sent: "I see beauty in everything, but especially in you." It's said with a gentle smile, but Helena isn't joking. No, her slender hands are stroking Shaw's cheeks, tenderly guiding him to look up, and into her eyes.
- - - - - - -
She was hard to look at. Linshaw Frain was what most people thought of as strong. He’d survived the Blight, commanded battlefields with his presence and his shout, could kill a drake barehanded. But he was nothing against her. She brought him to his knees daily, hourly.
fifty ways to kiss someone. send me a 💏 and i will randomise a number in order for my muse to kiss yours…
…good morning.
…goodnight.
…goodbye.
…where it hurts.
…where it doesn’t hurt.
…on a falling tear.
…to shut them up.
…in secrecy.
…in public.
…desperately.
…in joy.
…in grief.
…discreetly.
…casually.
…passionately.
…lazily.
…to distract.
…as encouragement.
…for luck.
…on a scar.
…on a place of insecurity.
…in a rush of adrenaline.
…in relief.
…in danger.
…as a ‘yes’.
…as an apology.
…as a suggestion.
…as a lie.
…as a promise.
…as comfort.
…after a small rejection.
…to wake yours up.
…forcefully.
…to pretend.
…to gain something.
…to give up control.
…without a motive.
…because yours is running out of time.
…because mine is.
…because the world is ending.
…because the world is saved.
…out of pride.
…out of greed.
…out of lust.
…out of anger.
…out of envy or jealousy.
…out of spite.
…out of habit.
…out of necessity.
…out of love.
@quiprava said: "I am so tired all the time, all I want to do is rest." It's a rare admission of weakness. Soren Amell wasn't *weak*, not in front of anybody. The Warden-Commander didn't get tired, or frightened, or beaten. He was *the Hero*. And heroes don't get to rest.
It was not the piles of papers- mountainous on Soren’s desk. It was not the late hour. It was the way that the man at the door had knocked so urgently, had called, “Commander, Commander- -” Another crisis.
The Commander did not open the door. His Constable did, scowling fiercely as he opened the heavy wood by half a foot. Soren did not look up from whatever he was writing, his own scowl on par with Shaw’s.