I havenāt been active on here in years, probably not many people pay attention to what I post anymore because I havenāt posted in a very long time. So this is kind of just what I want to say being thrown into the air and blown away by the millions of other posts on this site. Like yelling into the wind when youāre so frustrated but donāt think anyone cares enough to listen.
I want to die. Everyday I think about opening the door in my car, or my husbands car, as one of us is driving and letting myself fall out. Dying by injuries from the fall, or by being hit by a passing car. I feel like that sounds like a very lazy way to kill yourself, you just open a door and what happens, happens. Iām too scared to use a knife or a gun. Iāve tried to use pills once years ago but I got too scared and threw them up. I feel like a coward. I feel like I donāt even have enough control of my life to kill my self in any way other than to just open a door and let it happen. But I canāt kill myself. Now, every time I think about doing it I think about my son. I want to raise him. I want to see him grow up. But I still want to die. I donāt know why I want to die so badly. My life isnāt horrible. I love my husband. I love my son. But my husband doesnāt make me want to live, just my son. Every day itās a war in my mind over whether Iām going to kill myself, and every day I just think of my son and I donāt do it. But every day it gets harder to use him as a reason. Tonight my husband and I got into a fight. I ended up agreeing to go get help tomorrow, and he said he would stay up with me. I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was asleep. I know Iām an adult, he doesnāt have to stay up with me. But now Iām just sitting up alone, with my thoughts. I donāt have anyone to talk to. I have friends but I donāt think any of them think Iām a good person. And I donāt think anyone of them would understand or care, which isnāt their fault. They have their own lives to worry about. Me wanting to kill myself for no reason is stupid and embarrassing and thereās no reason to tell any of them. I know they wouldnāt really care, or really know what to say. I donāt get invited to hang out with my friends. They do things together and I never find out until later. We canāt be that close if I donāt even get invited to things. So why would I tell them about my problems? I know this is all rambling, Iām hoping no one actually takes the time to read all of this because itās not important. Iām not very important. The only person Iām important to is my son, and heās 8 months old. If I died right now he wouldnāt even remember me. If I died right now who would really care in the long run? If I died right now who would care
