sitting across from him as if they're mere acquittances — it's a cruel reminder of everything she's lost. and if it weren't for the desperate state ash was in, she's sure she'd find a way to run from it. because sitting across from him as if they hadn't shared years of their life together makes her heart ache. an ache that grows every time her gaze shifts towards him. an ache that spreads every time she hears his voice.
she missed him. she misses him, and sitting across the room from him is a painful reminder of how much she still loves him. and even though looking at him sends daggers straight through her heart, she can't help but observe him. she watches him closely as he eyes the glass she'd set in front of him, and focuses her gaze on his as he speaks. she's missed looking at him like this —close enough to see all his pores and make out every tiny little scar that decorates his skin.
she's missed being so close to him.
she nods as he speaks, lips pursed together thoughtfully as she considers her own words. the hesitation she feels makes her heart lurch. she shouldn't feel so awkward talking to the man she loves, but the emotions running through her feel suffocating. after a moment, she finally speaks. "i know you hate it," she says, voice soft. "but — you did great, and i'm sure the band is grateful you did it." she pulls her lips into a small smile as she continues. "you know i don't really like these things, either... but i enjoyed your set. i always do."
when he admits to watching her all night, her heart lurches. and when he apologizes, her heart lurches again — and a small, sad smile envelops her lips. she nods. slow and gentle, eyes sad as she shifts her gaze to meet his own.
"i know you didn't mean to hurt me. i never thought you meant to." she pauses, and her teeth gnaw at her bottom lip for a brief moment before she continues. "i know you thought you were doing what was best for me, but i... really wish you would have let me make that choice." she sighs, eyes downcast as she fidgets with her fingers. "i was... angry. really angry, but i shouldn't have suggested you didn't care about me. i know you care about me... i just had a hard time understanding why you pushed me away. that really hurt me."
"but i... know you didn't mean to hurt me... i know you're sorry." she wants to tell him it's okay, but there's still hurt wrapped around her heart — squeezing and squeezing and squeezing at every little reminder of how he had walked away from them. but she can't tell him it's not okay, either — not when she can see him laying his vulnerability out like this. not when it's clear that he needs somebody.
even when she's at her angriest, she's unable to ignore just how much she cares about him. in this moment, she wants nothing more than to take care of him. to make sure he's okay, and to help him be okay.
she'd do anything to make sure of that.
so, she buries her resentment, tugging her lips into another sad smile as she quietly admits — "i haven't been able to stop thinking about you, either."