in the wind

[mancandykings]

Tom Holland 📷 by Nikki Holland

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

she knew she was being incredibly selfish, crying in front of him, begging him to stay when she knew that he had no say in whether or not he got to live or die. but after years and years of suffering, being selfish was something that orion just had to pick up on. she could’ve shared her last thirty years of life with anyone she pleased but no. no one could replace gael. and that mindset still hadn’t changed for her. if orion had to live without her best friend once more, then she would do it alone. it had already been decided. 

“i don’t want to say goodbye,” she cried, rigorously shaking her head. she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes but they just kept flowing. anyone walking past hopefully had the decency to look away. orion didn’t want anyone to think she was weak but none of that really mattered at the moment. “how… how are you so calm about this?” she accused with furrowed eyebrows. it hurt so much. everything hurt just so damn much. orion wanted all of this to be a very, very bad dream. she wanted to wake up. “i’m sorry,” she whispered. she was being ridiculous. gael was hurting more than anyone and it really wasn’t fair. nothing was. “fuck, gael. i’m so sorry.”

orion buried her head in her hands as she cried. the feeling of suffocation engulfed her like an unwelcome hug and there was nothing anybody could do about it. “i-i know it’s not your choice,” she spoke as she tried to collect herself. “i know that.” she just couldn’t help but beg for him to stay, as if that was going to change the outcome of all of this. 

her heart stopped. her breathing quickened. 

what did he just say? “you…” they had said it plenty of times to each other before, orion didn’t quite understand why it hit her so hard. then again, their relationship had changed drastically in the last few weeks and she couldn’t help but think it had a different sort of meaning this time around. “i love you too,” orion replied with a grin despite her bloodshot eyes. “i love you so much, gael pertinax,” she added in, a little breathless. “you’re my best friend.” he was more than that. he was her everything. “i’d walk to the ends of the galaxy for you.” she rested her forehead against the cool glass, looking at gael through the side of her eye. “i just wish we had more time…”

death, it seemed, always came too early. he had not been a young man the first time he’d died, not exactly, but he’d perished far younger than humans were supposed to. rebels never did have long lifespans. this time, however, death seemed especially cruel. he was young again, babyfaced and energetic, and he’d finally told orion all of the things he’d wanted to tell her. yet somehow, even now, he had been too late. there hadn’t been enough time, not in this life nor the last, and he wondered why he’d been brought back to life at all. was this some sort of cruel trick? or perhaps it was punishment for something he’d done decades ago. 

he watched through the glass as orion broke down into tears, little salty streaks streaming down her face, and he wished for nothing more than to reach out and brush them away. quarantine restricted him from doing so, and gael was forced too watch her weep. “i don’t either,” he murmured. it had become harder and harder for gael to meet her eye. he’d have sooner torn his heart from his chest than forced orion to endure this sort of suffering, and all for him. him. as if gael was worth this sort of suffering. “i’m not calm,” he confessed. beneath it all, gael felt as though he was going to come undone at any moment now, but if he broke down too they’d be entirely inconsolable. “i feel like i can’t breathe sometimes, but i’m trying to keep myself together.” he shrugged a shoulder helplessly, “i wanna make these last... i wanna make this count for something.” nothing would be accomplished here if they were both miserable. 

if it was up to gael, he wouldn’t have chosen to leave orion this time. there was nothing greater at play, her life was not at risk, this death felt rather pointless. he would be one of dozens and dozens to die, and there would be nothing at all accomplished in his end. this was not a death for the rebellion, but a life wasted because of some leak in an old, shitty lab. 

almost as soon as gael had spoken those words, he realized the gravity of what he’d said. he wanted to tell her, it was important that orion knew how he felt in these last moments of his life, but kriff, he’d just confessed to something that he wasn’t ready to say yet. after all, gael and orion had only just started to date. but it was the truth. if she asked, he would have to tell her that yes, he did love her. he had loved her for so, so incredibly long. just as the silence between them had started to feel uncomfortable, she spoken the very words he’d hoped to hear. at once, his expression erupted into a grin. illness aside, gael was thrilled to hear that she loved him. “so much,” he agreed, tipping his forehead against the glass as if to meet hers. the glass was so thick that he couldn’t even feel her warmth yet. “i do too,” he agreed with a little frown, “but at least this time around we told each other.” his smile weakened and he shrugged a shoulder. “maybe next time we’ll get to have a little more time.” as soon as he’d spoken, gael felt the ache blossom in his chest and he winced. “... how’s the cure going anyway?”

[djoswiftie]

[ofpertinax]

do you really think you're going to die and leave orion alone again

“there isn’t a cure yet.” he replied, his tone pleading. it wasn’t that he wanted to die, or that he was pessimistic by nature, but it seemed that there was no cure in sight. gael knew that he couldn’t go on like this forever. “i don’t want to leave her, but it isn’t up to me.” this time, gael didn’t get to choose how his life ended. 

[ofpertinax]

do you think you'll get out of this alive?

“i...” gael hesitated. what was the truth? he wanted desperately to believe in the cure team, to believe that they would find something, but his time was limited. gael had been one of the first infected, he didn’t have much longer. “i don’t think so.” he whispered. “but i hope... i hope i will. i don’t wanna leave orion behind again.”

[ofpertinax]

[tmholland]

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

this wasn’t going to do them any good, standing there and crying over something that hadn’t come but was surely to arrive soon. she should’ve cut the visit short and went on to fulfill her duties but orion couldn’t bring herself to leave just yet. she cared about him far too much to pretend that he was easy to be let go. “prepare?” she asked, barely above a whisper. when did they ever prepare for anything? they were the type of people to just go with the flow, act on the most impulsive decisions. they never planned anything out unless it was for one of gael’s notorious pranks. but preparing for something like death? orion didn’t know if she wanted to do that. “how are you going to do it right!?” she questioned, her voice cracking in the middle of her sentence. “because none of this is right, gael. not one bit of you dying is right at all…”

he couldn’t die. not this easily. 

“please don’t leave,” she repeated, a weak sob leaving her body as she rested her entire weight on the glass. her cheeks were stained with tears as more saltwater continued to flow down her face. they could never catch a break, not even if they asked. they were destined to be together and yet, torn apart at the very same time because how could two people who were so right for each other be happy? that wasn’t how the galaxy worked. it took, and took, and took until every last piece of joy and content was gone. why would it have been any different for gael and orion? she should have suspected this, they wouldn’t have lasted very long until something like this damned virus had to break them from each other. 

orion couldn’t handle it anymore as she felt herself slip to the ground, her hand still placed upon the glass as her knee’s hit the floor with a soft thud. she hated herself for breaking down in front of him. it certainly didn’t make any of this hurt less but if she had the option to prevent less hurt being inflicted on him, she would. and she failed. “g-gael i can’t… do this without you.” orion was thinking out loud at this point, her words were utterly unfiltered and she knew it was for worse than for better. “not again,” she shuddered, trying to look at his face through her tears. 

“you… you mean t-the world to me, gael.”

gael studied her quietly, his eyes roving over the angles of her face for a moment, before they flitted away. he couldn’t bear to look at orion, the pain in her expression only made him feel worse. he didn’t want to leave her behind again. last time, at least, there had been a reason for his death. gael understood that it was either him or her, and he’d chosen to die without once second guessing what he’d done. in a sense, he’d recognized that doing so would hurt her, but it was better than death. selfishly, he’d thought it better to die himself than to have to live without her. gael would have made the same decision a hundred times over, but this time he hadn’t chosen. he didnt’ want to die, there was no one and no cause to martyr himself for, so what was the point? 

there was no point, just death, and death didn’t always have to be reasonable. 

he hesitated for a long moment before he brought himself to answer her question. “i didn’t really get to say goodbye last time.” he told her. “i mean, i did over the comm, but...” but was this really a goodbye? they couldn’t even touch. yes, she could see him this time, but they still couldn’t hug one last time. “it’s not right,” he agreed, “but i can’t change it, o. i have to... to try to make peace with this.” there was no peace with death, not really. he was still deeply uncomfortable with the thought of what came next (nothingness), but what choice did he have? fight it and he would die. make peace with it and he would die. ignore it and he would die. the outcome was the same no matter what. “o, please.” there it was, the note of begging. she kept pleading that he stay, but he didn’t have a choice. hearing her ask again and again only hurt. he couldn’t do anything to change what would happen. “i didn’t choose this.”

he watched quietly as she sunk to the floor, her knees hitting with a thump that he could hear through the thick glass, and he ached for her. despite the pain in his throat and his overall exhaustion, there was a sharper ache in his chest. he, too, sunk to his knees. for a long moment there was silence, and when she spoke at last he listened. “i’m sorry,” he whispered. “i’m sorry. i didn’t want... want to leave you behind again.” he shook his head. gael had been foolish enough to think that this time, maybe this time, he would live a longer and happier life. but to no avail. he pushed away the thoughts of death. it hurt to deal with orion, but somehow it seemed easier than facing what would ultimately come of him. the bright red blood, the imminence of death, the fading into nothing. his hands clenched into fists, willing the thought to leave him. he couldn’t stand it. “and you...” he hesitated. “i love you, orion.” as a friend, as a lover, as family, he loved her more than damn near anything. “i know it’s too early to say it but...” but this might just be his last chance to say what he felt. 

[tbhollandd-deactivated20220729]

tom holland, ladies and gentlemen

[killthe-illusionarydreams]

That’s how fast I fell for Tom

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

a second lifetime where gael was stolen away from her was a thought she never thought she would have to ponder but seeing him like this made all the possibilities become much more real. as she stood in front of him, her mind began to torture her with the images of her thirty year old self without her best friend. she refused to stand for it and tried to get those pictures out of her mind but they were suddenly changed to ones of her current self without her soulmate. 

it hurt. it hurt a lot. 

his warm radiated from the glass even if that was far from the case. orion’s eyes flickered down to their hands as her own fingers began to claw at the thick sheet. she just wanted him. to be next to him, to hold him, to whisper sweet nothings in his ear. there was so much that they still had to do. orion had to show him pictures of her gray haired self, she had to convince gael that cassian wasn’t all that bad and vice versa, they were supposed to explore all of naboo. they were supposed to spend the rest of their lives together. things weren’t supposed to end so soon. 

her lip trembled at the sound of his words, finally meeting his eyes. “d-don’t. –no. please. don’t say things like that,” orion whispered with a shake of her head. how could he be so accepting of this? she knew he was fighting, it would have been an insult to think he wasn’t, but then again, she didn’t have to experience the symptoms of the sickness. she suffered in her own ways but it probably didn’t live up to the amount of pain that he was feeling. “gael…” her face contorted in an attempt to hold back her tears but instead, it burst out of her with an ugly cry. her hands balled up into fists as her body racked up the sobs that she had fought so hard to repress. “you promised,” orion cried. she knew it wasn’t fair to say such things, not when she was already such a mess but she couldn’t help it. “y-you promised that you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t leave me again.”

both in this lifetime and the last, gael and orion had been inseparable companions. they had survived training together, had earned their wings in battle, and had successfully piloted enemy territory that had once been thought impossible to fly through. as a duo, gael and orion were hard to beat, but personally they were wrought with trouble. they loved one another and respected each other immensely, but it seemed that the force wished to keep them apart. these happy weeks had been some of the best in his life, but they’d been terribly fleeting. 

gael couldn’t quite meet her eyes as he told the truth about their situation. he didn’t like it any better than she did, the admission that there was nothing at all that they could do to stop what would come, but he knew that denying the truth would lead to a more miserable end. “i’m sorry,” he turned to face her, his tone pleading with her to understand, “but it’s the truth, o.” his brows drew together slightly. gael didn’t want to hurt her, of course he didn’t want to hurt her, but it was better that they faced this together than for him to leave her to deal with it after he’d died. “i didn’t... prepare you last time. this time, i want to do it right.” but there was nothing at all that was right about this situation, telling her the truth didn’t change anything. 

in fact, it only made things worse.

gael watched as orion’s expression seemed to crumble. despite her best attempt to hold back her tears, they’d burst forth and spilled down her cheeks. her shoulders shook with sobs, and he wanted desperately to reach out and comfort her. nothing. gael could do absolutely nothing to comfort his friend. “i...” he appeared stunned by her accusation. there wasn’t anything that he could say in response. “last time it was my choice, orion. this time, i didn’t get to choose.” he’d never intended to leave her, but then he’d never intended to get sick like this, and certainly not so soon. he could feel his own eyes pricking with tears. “i don’t want to leave.” gael wanted to live, but it seemed that the force had changed its mind on him.

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

she didn’t understand why he was doing so much worse than everyone else. he was young, for the maker’s sake. shouldn’t that have counted for something? maybe his body wasn’t strong enough to withstand everything. they had certainly fucked up their livers together from the amount of alcohol they were consuming and gael had only come back from the dead a few weeks ago – still, that didn’t give her any reason to think that he was going to be one of the firsts to die from this out break. orion didn’t want to believe it. 

crying was also out of the question but from searching for the cure and visiting jyn and rey, she needed to let something out of her system but she didn’t want to do it in front of gael. not when he was having such a miserable time already but there was a reason why he was orion’s last stop before she returned to the factory to continue looking through files she didn’t even understand. she needed gael’s face to be fresh in her mind. so she could think of him and his bright brown despite the fact that he was trying to fight off the deadly sickness that was quickly spreading through his body.

orion’s solemn face broke out into a small smile and yet, her heart broke when she heard his voice. her best friend was hurting, and there was nothing she could do about it. a part of her wanted to pry the doors open and jump into his arms. she didn’t care if she got sick nor if she died. if orion could be with gael until the very end then, suffering his same fate was worth more than the world. still, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to do that. he’d kill her before she would be able to kiss him. “you’re ridiculous,” orion said with a soft laugh as she got closer to the glass and rested her hand on it. tears began to well up in her eyes as she watched him. oh maker, she promised she wouldn’t do this. not in front of him. but it was just so hard. “gael, i… i don’t wanna do this without you. i-i can’t.”  

gael had only recently been revived. he’d awoken in the lakes region just a few weeks ago, dazed and confused, but he had made the most of his time on naboo. at long last, he and orion had told one another how they felt and they’d dared to act upon those feelings. this time, he faced death with no regrets. he only wished that they’d had more time together, but he understood that it was not to be. this was more than he could have hoped for, to be brought back to life and given a second chance, a mere pawn in the war effort should not have been granted such an immense honor. 

still, he could sense her sadness. gael felt satisfied with the happiness that this brief life had brought him, but he knew that orion was hurt by his illness. she’d lost him once already, and now he was to be stolen away from her again. ah, there was his regret. to leave her behind again was cruel, but this time he didn’t have a choice in the matter. gael touched the glass, his fingers finding the spaces that hers had taken, and he offered her a faint smile. words would not ease her pain, but perhaps he could provide comfort through his actions. if not in holding her, than in little displays of affection like this one. 

and humor. 

even in this state, gael was rather good at providing relief through humor. admittedly, it wasn’t good humor, but it didn’t particularly matter in this case. almost as quickly as she’d laughed, however, the smile had given way to despair and he was left aching. he couldn’t provide any comfort for her. “i don’t want to die...” he replied softly, truthfully. he wanted to live, to know what it meant to be by her side, but he had never been a particularly fortunate man. “but it isn’t up to us.” he murmured, his eyes casting downward. it was up to the fates, or the force, or some primitive sentient’s god, whether or not he would be spared. “o...” he whispered, spotting her tears. “i’m sorry.” 

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

things had been so good and normal and happy. it hadn’t been too long since they had both confessed their feelings for each other and they were just beginning to live the lives that they should have been living for the entire duration of their friendship. gael was her best friend and the fact that he had been one of the people who were affected by the virus made her heart shatter. 

this wasn’t fair. none of this was fair. orion had lived a far longer life than him, she had survived that hopeless mission that took him away from her. she should be the one who was sick. not him. he didn’t deserve it. none of them did. it made orion angry beyond belief but she hadn’t tapped into those parts of her emotions just yet but it was only a matter of time until she blew. 

all she wanted to do was to hold him but the stupid glass that separated them prevented her from doing so. all she could do was look and talk to him but it just wasn’t enough. “please…” orion spoke quietly, fiddling with her fingers. she couldn’t cry. she wouldn’t. not here. not yet. 

“i can’t lose you, gael,” she sighed. “not again.”

gael pertinax had been dead once before. it wasn’t bad, not exactly, it was simply blank. he had been as vast and empty as the galaxy itself, another body floating amongst the stars. it was fitting, at least. this death, however, was a terrible, languid affair. it wore on and on, and already his condition was worsening. he had been one of the first that had contracted the virus, after all, and the sores in his throat had made it increasingly hard to speak. 

just this morning, he’d noticed metallic taste of blood in his mouth. his body would give into this kriffing virus soon enough and he’d have to leave his best friend behind yet again. the thought hurt, especially now that he knew just how difficult life had been for her without him. he didn’t want to leave her behind, not noow. they’d just told each other what they felt, and finally their relationship was precisely where he wanted it to be. it wasn’t meant to last. it would end as quickly as it had come. 

gael leaned his head against the glass barrier, exhausting threatening to overwhelm him. besides, the cool glass felt nice on his forehead. he wanted to reach out and hug her, to pull her into his arms and to tell her that everything would be alright, but it wasn’t fair to lie to her. they both knew that this wouldn’t likely end well. “i…” he started, his voice weak and croaking. gael tried to keep the humor in his expression, but it was a battle. “i don’t think you could. i’m stuck in here.” he smiled faintly. “i’ll be pretty easy to find.”

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

“are too!” orion quickly retorted, her voice going a few notes higher than usual. she always had to defend her best friend from people who said he was too much. though, it was a little difficult to do so since she couldn’t help but agree sixty five percent of the time. she still loved gael, though. no matter how annoying he could be. “stop pretending like you were such an old man,” orion said with a roll of her eyes despite her smile. then again, thirty years was pretty old for a pilot of the resistance. “i had gray hair, wrinkles, everything,” she explained. “i can probably find a picture somewhere. it was.. odd.” if someone would have told her younger self that she would have lived to the age of sixty, she wouldn’t have told them to screw off with the nonsense immediately. “how ‘bout whoever loses the next round has to do whatever the winner tells them to?” orion suggested with innocent eyes although her thoughts were far from that.

“no, i’m not!” he replied childishly. “unbearable seems a little harsh, don’t you think? i mean, i can’t possibly be that bad." hell, she’d missed him when he died, if he had been that horrible, certainly she would have regarded his death as something of a relief. he laughed heartily in response to her observation of him. “i was though. i mean, it’s the oldest i’ve ever known, so...” so for him he had been old, exhausted with aches that he hadn’t known in his youth. truly, it was strange. gael raised an eyebrow when orion mentioned that she’d had wrinkles and gray hair. “you? really?” he squinted slightly, trying to imagine it. he couldn’t. he’d known her when she’d been older than she was now, but she’d certainly never had gray hair or wrinkles. boy, he really had missed out on a lot. “you’ve gotta show me picture, because i can’t even picture it.” he confessed. still, at her recommendation, despite his losses, gael perked up. he wouldn’t win, not likely, but it seemed worth a shot. worse came to worse, he certainly enjoyed pleasing her. “you’re so on,” he replied with a grin, trying to sit up. “come on, get up. let’s go.”

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

it took her a moment to process what he had just said and when she did, she laughed at him in disbelief. “you are… infuriating!” orion exclaimed, giving his shoulder a playful push with her hand. “yeah, you were getting a little old, weren’t you?” she teased as she cocked her head to the side and reached over to twiddle with his curls. “but no one recognized me at first other than you and cassian. i had to reintroduce myself so many times,” orion spoke with a roll of her eyes. she pursed her lips in an attempt to stifle a smile. “oh c’mon…” her pointer finger trailed down the side of his face to the middle of his chest and down his abdomen, stopping at the waistband of his pants. “i can’t do all the work in this relationship.”

“am not!” laughed, unable to help himself. she was right, of course. if gael had a credit for every time someone had called him infuriating, or annoying, or irritating, he’d have been a very rich man. his peskiness was a truth about himself that he’d accepted long ago, and really it wasn’t so bad... not for him anyway. “i was. my bones were starting to hurt, you know?” he huffed. “it’s pretty tough to be me.” gael laid back against the mat she played with her hair, and listened as she continued. “really? because you looked so different?” he couldn’t really imagine her older than her thirties, than she had been than the last time that he’d seen her. it was strange. gael hesitated as her fingers trailed to his waist, at once, his expression became more serious. “if you mean that sort of round...” he shrugged, “i dunno. i might have more energy saved up. you know, especially for this sort of occasion.”

[ofpertinax]

msandromedaxxxx

“I am sorry?….I am ought to know?” She said, almost scoffing at his cockiness. “Well, Gael. I’ll see it when I believe it.” She said with a chuckle.

“that i’m the best pilot in the galaxy!” he paused, considering what he’d just said briefly. “or at least the best pilot fighting in the outer rim, thank you very much.” she appeared less than enthused about his statement, remarking with a non answer. “aw, come on. do you even know any decent pilots?”

[ofpertinax]

starveiins

orion furrowed her eyebrows. “but i lived for longer than you,” she replied with a huff. “which means i had to experience gray hair, wrinkles, shitty memory and bad joints. that shit sticks with you no matter what age you physically are,” she stated. “i haven’t fought this much since i was fifty. little old orion retired to fixing and developing ships, i’ll have you know.” orion grinned as she leaned down, her face a mere inches away from gael’s. “okay, then do it.”

“i’ve had bad joints since i was born,” he exaggerated with a faint smirk. “i mean, i’m pretty sure that’s why i couldn’t walk when i was first born. they just couldn’t support me. it was tragic really.” ridiculous. he was always so kriffing ridiculous, he couldn’t understand what she liked about him sometimes. “but seriously, you got the gray hair, but i mean, it was pretty rough when i was in my thirties.” again, another smirk. he listened curiously as she described life in her fifties, and couldn’t help but feel curious. he’d never known her then. “i would,” he promised, grinning up at her. “but i’m real tired after all the rounds we’ve done so... i think i’d rather just lay here. i mean, i think i won anyway, ‘cause you’re on top of me.”