can't even die right

Both the boys are gone now and I'm...- ...I'm still here. _____________ [indie Canon Divergent 2014!Cas] -Please read my Rules & About info- NSFW blog may contain triggering subjects

[sinful-library]

Richard Siken - War of the Foxes

[daggers-and-mischief]

[thedyingembers]

I long ago accepted that Dean Winchester would be my downfall, just as he will be his own. When we fall, we will fall together, and I will smile when it happens because my last happy thought will be, “I’ve always loved the gold flecks in his eyes.”

[jaredmisha]

Sam: “And I needed to think that there was something else watching too, you know? Some higher power. Some greater good. And that maybe…” Dean: “Maybe what?” Sam: “Maybe I could be saved.”

[sunlitcas]

cas + emotions

[ofshatteredstars]

// yo

i'm actually trying to be active here -it's just hard as i have no laptop and am chained to their terrible mobile app.

but i'm looking for people to play with.

especially Sams. My Cas is very fond of Sam's and I used to have a ton that i played with and I MISS IT

but really anyone. there's a lot of people my boy hasn't gotten to interact with

[seraphatum-deactivated20191018]

Enjoy this Promotional Poster for the final Season of Supernatural! 

[highschccldropout]

ofshatteredstars‌:

Cas let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He managed to push himself out of the corner, gently leaning into Dean when he wrapped an arm around him. Cas managed to take in a deep breath- voice still thick with tears. “Why would I want to leave? I mean…besides the fact of where would I go– why would I want to leave? I followed a version of you to the literal end of the world and he was an asshole to me. You are definately not an asshole– and being here makes me feel like I’m in some sort of happy fever dream I’m going to wake up from any second…too good to be true.” He tucked into himself a little more, his holster still clutched tight to his chest. “I just…I don’t have much…nothing that’s really mine you know?” The exangel huffed a small laugh. “But I mean–this is all I have of him now… I took it before I buried him and…I at least…had the garden then as well but now- it’s just this. And I’ve had it on me for so long it sometimes feels like its one of the few things that’s real…”

Something about having Cas curled up against him made things feel right again. Dean still felt like crap for the things he said, but he realized that the exangel wasn’t angry with him, he wasn’t going to leave, and it made Dean feel so relieved he had to take a moment to process it before he could speak. He shook his head. “I don’t know. My brain isn’t always the most logical place to be, either, you know.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “My Cas, the version that’s still trapped in Purgatory somewhere…I let him down. The whole time we were there together, he didn’t believe I’d be able to get him out, too. And then he was right. I didn’t make him feel safe, and it’s because I wasn’t strong enough to…” He trailed off, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “Everybody I’ve ever cared about has left, or been taken from me. I guess I just thought…the same thing would happen to you.”

He watched Cas curl in on himself. “This is real, Cas. I’m real, and I’m not going anywhere. Even when I’m being a dick.” He tried to laugh, but his heart hurt too much for the exangel beside him. “I’m sorry, about the way I acted. You were right, it’s yours, and you shouldn’t have had to explain yourself. I didn’t mean…I’m not trying to make you leave him behind. I know losing the garden was hard, and I know…you cared about him. Even when he didn’t deserve it.” He paused, chewing his lip, and then offered an idea. “But I meant it when I said people don’t just wear holsters around all the time in this world. And eventually, you’ll want to go places with me, right?” He asked. “We could make a place to put it, when we leave the bunker. A safe spot, so you can remember him. Sort of like the garden.”

[ofshatteredstars]

"i doubt it was a lack your ability to make him feel safe Dean. You take things far too harshly-- If we are anything alike - me and your Cas- Im sure he doesn't feel that you failed him or let him down. I'm sure he had his reasons for believing he would not make it out. If anything i'm sure he feels that he failed you."

Cas sighed letting his body go lax against Dean. "i've no intention of leaving so long as you want me-- and you'd be hard pressed to get rid of me any other way. I cannot die and I've been told I'm rather stubborn. Anything that would try to come for me would regret it quite fast."

He peered up at Dean frowning lightly. "He deserves anything I gave- as do you. You'll always be worthy of care and being watched over. Even when you're being an asshole." He smiles softly looking down at his hands. "did he take my actions for granted? yes- but that doesn't mean he didn't deserve the effort I put out."

Cas pressed the holstered gin to his chest. the thought of not having it on him sending a trill of panic through him. "I would like to go places with you at some point....it just seems daunting."

he flexed his fingers lightly around the gun. "i suppose...that could work. but for now- is it okay if i keep it on?"

[highschccldropout]

ofshatteredstars‌:

cas wanted to feel embarrassed about reacting the way he did - and maybe later he probably would- but for now all he could do was tuck farther into himself.

He pressed the holster to his chest, taking in a shaky breath. he could hear Dean talking to him. It all seemed muted and far away.

A gentle hand smoothed along his back before shifting away. in panic Cas latched onto the retreating arm. Finally managing to uncurl slightly to look up at Dean. “Don’t go….Im sorry…”

Dean was surprised by the desperate way Cas reached for him. He placed a hand over Cas’ where the exangel gripped his arm tightly. It hadn’t occurred to him that he might want Dean to stay with him, after what a jerk he was earlier, but if it’s what Cas wanted, Dean didn’t need to be asked twice. 

He eased himself down to sit on the floor as close to Cas as he could get in the cramped and awkward position, moving the hand that had been a comforting weight on the exangel’s back to wrap around his shoulders. “Okay, hey, I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.” He assured him.

The other half of Cas’ sentence made him frown. He shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for, Cas. I’m the one who…I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know why I said all those things, I just…I got worried, that you didn’t feel safe here. And…I don’t know. I was afraid you’d want to leave. But it wasn’t right. I’m sorry.”

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He managed to push himself out of the corner, gently leaning into Dean when he wrapped an arm around him. Cas managed to take in a deep breath- voice still thick with tears. “Why would I want to leave? I mean...besides the fact of where would I go-- why would I want to leave? I followed a version of you to the literal end of the world and he was an asshole to me. You are definately not an asshole-- and being here makes me feel like I’m in some sort of happy fever dream I’m going to wake up from any second...too good to be true.” He tucked into himself a little more, his holster still clutched tight to his chest. “I just...I don’t have much...nothing that’s really mine you know?” The exangel huffed a small laugh. “But I mean--this is all I have of him now... I took it before I buried him and...I at least...had the garden then as well but now- it’s just this. And I’ve had it on me for so long it sometimes feels like its one of the few things that’s real...”

[eatsleepcrap]

supernatural finale + tumblr text posts

[princesscas]

Plot twist: Supernatural brings back every single dead character from the past 14 Seasons 

[godshipsit]

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas quickly lost track of time- not that he’d had a great grasp of it in the first place. At some point he heard the door creak open, a soft voice -Sam’s he thinks- trying to get his attention before walking away. The exangel curled more, pressing himself into the corner of the closet. Trying hard to pull himself out of his head, but failing miserably. He tried to muffle his crying, berating himself for being so weak as to be crying in a corner. Eventually he heard the door reopen, someone else approaching where he was hiding. Cas pulled into himself, turning his body away from the door. A vain attempt at trying to blend into the dark of the closet. Someone started speaking to him softly. Hesitantly he peeked at the figure in the doorway. Dean. He glanced at the outstreched hand, his holster and gun being offtered back to him.  He stared warily at Dean unsure if this was some sort of test. After a moment he reached out a shaking hand, gently taking the gun. He pressed the holster to his chest, curling in around it, letting out a small soft sob.

[highschccldropout]

At first, Dean was afraid Cas was going to ignore him completely. He definitely deserved it, after everything he’d said, but he needed the exangel to know he was sorry, and to at least give him his holster back. His heart broke at the way Cas curled away from him. Of course he would. He’d given Cas plenty of reason to fear him. 

He fully intended to let Cas ignore him, once he took the holster back, even though leaving him alone when he was this upset tore at his heart. He probably couldn’t make it better. All he did was hurt the people he cared about, apparently. 

“I’m sorry, Cas. Again. I…I didn’t know. But I shouldn’t have needed to. You said it was important to you and I should have listened.” 

His heart ached at the soft sobbing sound Cas made. “I’ll just…Sam, can you…” He turned over his shoulder to look at his brother. It’d be better if he sat with Cas, he was sure. Sam was so much better at all of this. He cleared his throat, and put a gentle, hesitant hand on Cas’ back, patting gently before starting to stand. 

“I’ll leave now, I’m sorry.” He murmured.

[ofshatteredstars]

cas wanted to feel embarrassed about reacting the way he did - and maybe later he probably would- but for now all he could do was tuck farther into himself.

He pressed the holster to his chest, taking in a shaky breath. he could hear Dean talking to him. It all seemed muted and far away.

A gentle hand smoothed along his back before shifting away. in panic Cas latched onto the retreating arm. Finally managing to uncurl slightly to look up at Dean. "Don't go....Im sorry..."

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas quickly lost track of time- not that he’d had a great grasp of it in the first place. At some point he heard the door creak open, a soft voice -Sam’s he thinks- trying to get his attention before walking away. The exangel curled more, pressing himself into the corner of the closet. Trying hard to pull himself out of his head, but failing miserably. He tried to muffle his crying, berating himself for being so weak as to be crying in a corner. Eventually he heard the door reopen, someone else approaching where he was hiding. Cas pulled into himself, turning his body away from the door. A vain attempt at trying to blend into the dark of the closet. Someone started speaking to him softly. Hesitantly he peeked at the figure in the doorway. Dean. He glanced at the outstreched hand, his holster and gun being offtered back to him.  He stared warily at Dean unsure if this was some sort of test. After a moment he reached out a shaking hand, gently taking the gun. He pressed the holster to his chest, curling in around it, letting out a small soft sob.

[inacatastrophicmind]

[ofshatteredstars]

After leaving the room Cas wasn’t really sure what to do with himself. He felt off kilter without the familiar weight of his holster around his leg- and even more so after having Dean more or less yell at him. He liked the bunker- it was warm and cozy and safe. It had Dean and Sam here. But just because the boys claimed they wanted him here, did it really mean he was meant to be here? Maybe he was foolish for thinking he could leave his world. Foolish to try and hit himself into a cutout not made for him. He couldn’t blame Dean for being upset with him, he should have just told him why he didn’t want to take the holster off. But just the thought of it left him feeling more vulnerable- jarred loose from the shaky grip he has on reality. He had so little of himself left to keep- so few things that held meaning. And the fear of having it taken away was all consuming. It didn’t matter now though did it? He’d tossed the holstered gun on the grown like it was as meaningless as Dean thought. Cas swallowed past the lump forming in his throat, making his way through the halls. 

After wandering aimlessly for a while, his thoughts slowly growing louder- he managed to find an empty closet to wedge himself in. He settled down in the dark, wrapping his arms around himself. The noise in his head finally reaching a fever pitch, as he started to silently cry.

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas jerked slightly as Dean’s voice rose. He frowned lightly, glancing up at the hunter. Dean’s face was flickering through an array of emotions, not seeming able to settle on one for more then a few fleeting seconds. “….Dean…Dean I haven’t lied to you. Not since I met you. Yes- I may not disclose everything but I’ve never lied. ” He didn’t like how upset Dean was getting, over something as simple as a holstered gun. Cas stood as well, moving toward Dean ready to attempt to calm and comfort the hunter. Then his next words hit him. The anger in his voice throwing him off. He took a step back, looking at Dean with a slightly wary expression. So far this Dean had been nothing but kind and patient with him. A far cry from his own dearly departed fearless leader- and honestly far removed from the Dean he’d known originally. So having him not only raise his voice but get angry at him was -not shocking really, but it twisted something in the pit of his stomach. The vague order to explain himself or take off his holster, made the exangel bristle. Hackles raising slightly, he turned himself slightly away from Dean. Almost shielding the holster and gun from his view. “I shouldn’t have to share personal things just to keep the few items I have Dean. That is deeply unfair.” Scarred fingered gripped around the handle of the gun, trying to settle himself as to not cause Dean to get more upset. “Besides- what does it matter? It’s not even loaded.”

[highschccldropout]

Dean shook his head, not really listening to Cas at this point. The voice in his head saying that of course the exangel wanted to leave him was louder, angrier. Cas was keeping something from him, he could tell, and it made fear stab sharply through his chest. Even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, he wanted Cas to trust him with everything. But he didn’t.

“I don’t get why you can’t just tell me, Cas. Do you think I’m gonna yell at you? Do you think I’m just like him?” His voice was harsh, harsher than he had ever been with this Cas, and he knew he would only be confirming Cas’ thoughts, if that was what this was about. Still, he denied it. “I’m not that Dean, Cas! I thought you knew you could tell me things. I thought–”

His voice broke. Part of him could see that this was upsetting Cas, but the voice in his head told him not to care. He scoffed. “’Personal…’ Cas, this is me. You told me about your Dean, about the roses and your curse and everything else, but you won’t talk to me about a stupid, unloaded gun?!”

[ofshatteredstars]

His blood ran cold at the comment about his Dean. "I have never- not for a second thought you were like him."

The fight was draining out of him, leaving only a bitter unease in the pit of his stomach. "... I did. Though I wasn't aware you were going to use that against because there are things I want to keep to myself for now."

Dean's voice was raising louder, cracking as he spit the words out. Numbly Cas stared at him, suddenly feeling cold. Nodding stiffly, Cas gently unclipped the holster from his thigh. He moved dropping it at Dean's feet, expression blank. "Here. Take it."

Cas stepped around Dean- quietly slipping out of the room. Off in search of someplace to hide while he thinks about what he's meant to do now.

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas jerked slightly as Dean’s voice rose. He frowned lightly, glancing up at the hunter. Dean’s face was flickering through an array of emotions, not seeming able to settle on one for more then a few fleeting seconds. “....Dean...Dean I haven’t lied to you. Not since I met you. Yes- I may not disclose everything but I’ve never lied. ” He didn’t like how upset Dean was getting, over something as simple as a holstered gun. Cas stood as well, moving toward Dean ready to attempt to calm and comfort the hunter. Then his next words hit him. The anger in his voice throwing him off. He took a step back, looking at Dean with a slightly wary expression. So far this Dean had been nothing but kind and patient with him. A far cry from his own dearly departed fearless leader- and honestly far removed from the Dean he’d known originally. So having him not only raise his voice but get angry at him was -not shocking really, but it twisted something in the pit of his stomach. The vague order to explain himself or take off his holster, made the exangel bristle. Hackles raising slightly, he turned himself slightly away from Dean. Almost shielding the holster and gun from his view. “I shouldn’t have to share personal things just to keep the few items I have Dean. That is deeply unfair.” Scarred fingered gripped around the handle of the gun, trying to settle himself as to not cause Dean to get more upset. “Besides- what does it matter? It’s not even loaded.”

[highschccldropout]

ofshatteredstars‌:

Cas loved being in the bunker. He loved that it was the Winchester’s home and that they wanted it to be his now too. He loved a lot about this time -mainly that it had a living Dean and Sam that liked him- but despite all that it was a lot.

Adjusting was….hard. He wasn’t good at being human in the first place- the apocalypse was not the best place to learn human basics. but here he felt it even more obvious. So many tiny nuances he’d never had a chance to learn or even consider.

Aside from that it was just…different. As miserable as he was before he at least had routine and a sense of familiarity. Here he did not. Here it was all new.

Most of it he enjoyed but sometimes it was too much. So he’d stuck close to Dean, tailing after him-also afraid to loose sight of him.

It’d been a week or two, when Dean day down next to him and awkwardly gestures to his gun,

Cas paused, peering at Dean confused. Fingers curling around the handle of his holstered gun out of habit. “I know i don’t need it.”

He frowned slightly. “I know I’m safe here. Besides it’s not like I’ve any intention of living the bunker just yet anyway.”

The exangel smiled slightly at Dean, “I’m still sort of figuring stuff.”

Dean knew there was a lot here for Cas to get used to. Even just staying in the bunker together, there was a lot to see, and a lot to learn about the new world he now called home. Dean tried to keep that in mind, and reel back his worries in accordance. 

If he was being honest, having Cas follow him around the bunker was one of his favorite parts of having him there. It was reassuring to constantly turn around and find Cas right there. It kept Dean calm, helped him settle into this new life, with a Cas who was going to stay.

Maybe getting used to having Cas so close was part of what scared Dean the most, though. Because if he let himself get used to the way things were now, what would happen when–if Cas eventually decided he wanted more than Dean and Sam and the bunker? How badly would it hurt to watch him leave?

Dean tried to smile back at Cas, but it came out feeling strained. He couldn’t peel his eyes away from where Cas’ fingers were wrapped around the gun. It made his stomach twist with anxiety, even though Cas said he wasn’t going to leave. 

“I just…” He sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing at his forehead for a moment to try to collect his thoughts. “Cas, I don’t even sleep with a gun under my pillow anymore, now that we live here.” He gestured at the gun again, frowning. “If you don’t need it, and you don’t plan on…” His voice broke, and he had to pause, “on leaving, then…why? Why still wear it? It’s…”

He shook his head, sighing. “I don’t get it. Do you not want to be here? With me? And Sam?” He added quickly, feeling his face get hot for reasons he didn’t want to think about.

[ofshatteredstars]

Cas frowned as Dean seemed to war with himself. Subconsciously his grip tightened on his gun when Dean gestures to it.

"i have absolutely no intention of leaving Dean--besides where would I go?" He huffs a small laugh trying to ease the tension that seemed to have settle around them.

He felt his stomach twist. Hands moving to nervously fuss with the velcro if his holster. "of course i want to be here! being with you and Sam is all I've ever wanted--and you two are just....you like me."

"I just.... I like having it close. It's habit and I just...." cas trails off letting his gaze drop. He really didn't want to get into the messy reasons of why he kept the holster and gun close at all times. Didn't want Dean to be upset or think Cas was strange.

"It has nothing to do with any of that. I just-- want to keep it on."