Here’s the deal guys.
Things have been pretty shitty for me lately.
2016 hasn’t really been kind to anyone and it seems like despite a few high moments, I am no exception to this.
// I wrote this drabble like a year or so ago and posted it for all of 3 seconds and then got so anxious that I deleted it and lost it to the void.
I just found it hidden away in my files the other day and I was so fucking stoked, I decided to come back on here to post it.
So here. Have a drabble of Ember’s Dean in heaven.
He remembered being pinned to the ground, heel pressed to his throat and vision blurring. The air heavy with the smell of gun smoke, sulfur and roses.
and then.
SNAP.
nothing.
The first thing he saw was white light.
Bright warm white.
As he's sitting up a figure moves toward him and he has to do his best to not attack.
The way the figure stands and moves nervously toward him- it couldn't be anyone else.
It's Sam. Really and truly Sam.
Sam whose holding a slightly shaking hand out to him to help him up and he doesn't know what to do.
There is some yelling, and tears and hugging. And he's breathing his little brother in and holding him close and never letting him go again.
Then there's Bobby- who punches him in the arm before hauling him in for a crushing hug.
After it Ellen and Jo. Pam. Ash. Jess coming up and smiling at him as she presses against Sam's side and he beams.
And then- then there's his mum.
Golden hair shining like a halo, smile as bright as the sun and arms open wide. And he can't help it- he sobs. Runs to her and buries himself in her arms. Kisses being pressed tho his face and hair and he can't help up laugh.
But...there's something missing.
There's something missing and he can't put his finger on it.
Mary is ushering him inside the house he'd long forgotten was home- and there's this gap inside him that he can't place. He choses to ignore it letting Mary fuss about him- his friends, his family chattering happily around him.
Sam settling next to him, smile still nervous and apologies still on his lips but he just smiles and gently shoves at Sam's shoulder because fuck it.
His family is here. His Sammy is here, with the girl of his dreams next to him and it just--It doesn't matter now.
None of that matters anymore.
Everyone is laughing and joking and Mary is setting a slice of pie in front of him and he's about to shovel it all in his mouth when he notices Bobby frowning at him confusion across the table.
When he asks what, Bobby just shakes his head.
And that ache in his chest is back.
It's not until later- as Ellen, Ash, Jo and Pam are heading out for their own little slices of heaven. When Ash is lighting up a cigarette, the smoke wafting after him does it finally click.
The ache growing and turning to confusion as he looks around.
"Where's Cas?"
How had he not noticed?
Sam is just as confused as him and Bobby is still frowning with his arms crossed.
Where is that idiot?
There's no way he lived. It was a one way for everyone.
If he's here...Cas should be too.
That's what Cas did.
Followed him around, and if he'd made it to heaven- so did Cas.
It was obvious so where was he?
Where the fuck was he?
Mary is trying to calm him, gently urging him to sit and that maybe it would just take him longer- that of course he'd be here.
Sam pitching in with a joke or two, Jess laughing at his side.
The panic in him dying as quickly as it stared- but the confusing ache and the frown on Bobby's face stayed.
___________________________________
It's days later.
Or what he thinks is days later that Bobby finally approaches him.
The thought of Cas has been pushed to the back of his mind.
He'd barely spared a thought for the fate of the exangel since his first panic. Instead busing himself in exploring his new home.
So when Bobby asks him about Cas- asks why he's not trying to find him, he's confused for a few minutes.
Bobby looks almost mad as he just shrugs.
Why would Bobby be mad over something so dumb?
So what?
Cas would come eventually.
Why should he be spending his time worrying about the idiot?
The words spilled from his mouth easily, but the ache in his chest grew.
Bobby's asking him questions about Cas and he's frowning because he doesn't know the answers.
Doesn't know what to say.
Doesn't know a goddamn thing about the exangel-because it didn't matter right? He could just learn now.
It was fine.
Cas would come- and they could be together and it'd be fine.
He shrugs again and Bobby walks away with a disappointed shake of his head.
__________________________________
It takes what he assumes to be a month for the rage to settle in.
For all of Bobby's looks, and Sam's questions to start rubbing him red and raw. Cas's absence is a angry pit in his stomach.
Where the fuck is that idiot?
He starts to snap at the others- waving off poker games with Jo, and movies with Jess, growling at his brother and ignoring all their questions.
Tasks himself with fixing the impala, helping his mum garden.
He finds himself taking out guns and shooting things in the yard.
Finds himself drinking.
Because seriously? What the fuck.
Cas was supposed to be here damn it.
That was part of the deal. It just was.
Cas followed him everywhere else- why not here?
Bobby tries to talk to him.
Tries to tell him- Maybe Cas didn't want to be here.
Maybe this wasn't his heaven.
That- maybe he was done following him.
Maybe he deserved some peace.
And what kind of bullshit was that?
If it wasn't Bobby he'd punch him.
Peace? This was fucking heaven.
He could have peace here with the rest of them- like he was supposed to.
They were supposed to be together properly now.
That was how it was supposed to go.
It was Dean's goddamn heaven and Cas was supposed to fucking be here.
And so help the fallen angel if he was in heaven and just wasn't here like Bobby said.
What the hell was wrong was him?
He owed Dean.
He was supposed to be here- be with him and how fucking dare he.
And he was on a rampage now- standing in the junkyard with Bobby staring at him unimpressed as he kicked and screamed like a wronged child. Bobby telling him as such.
That Cas didn't owe him shit.
If anyone owed someone something- it was Dean.
And that only pissed him off more.
Because what did Bobby know?
Cas was supposed to love him him-
and if he actually loved him he should be here.
End of story.
_________________________________
It's barely a week before the anger starts to give way.
That he starts to think about all the things Bobby said.
Mary finds him staring at his hands one morning and strokes a hand through his hair asking him what's wrong.
And thats the problem.
He doesn't know.
He thought it was because Cas wasn't here and now he's starting to think that maybe it's the idea that Cas probably doesn't want to be.
The idea that he might never be and the fact that it hurts him to think about.
Mary tells him not to give up hope- and kisses his head before leaving the room and he finds himself praying.
He has no idea why but he's praying.
Begging whoevers listening to make Cas appear.
That he'd apologize or something.
Anything.
Just bring Cas to him.
He starts to pray every night.
Begging and promising.
Slowly- the ache deepens because hes finally starting to see why Bobby was frowning.
Why Cas might not want to be with him.
He'd do anything to have that not be true.
Anything.
_________________________________
The praying goes on for weeks.
Growing more and more desperate.
Until one day he wakes from a dead sleep to tears running down his face.
Mary bustling in to soothe him.
Cool soft hands smoothing over his brow, asking whats wrong.
And suddenly he's sobbing becasuse...its all his fault.
This is all his fault.
And he's telling her everything.
All the awful things he'd said, the things he'd done.
The way he'd treated the exangel who'd never done anything but stand by him him.
He chokes on that because here he was in a heaven with everything he'd ever wanted and he was still demanding more of Cas.
Still demanding the exangel follow him and bend to his will.
No wonder he wasn't here.
Who'd want an eternity of someone pushing and pulling you around?Of treating you like you were some shitty bonus prize to their gold medal?
He's sobbing.
Face pressed against Mary's stomach as he confesses all his sins. Telling her how much he loves that stupid exangel.
How he loved him and ruined him.
Pushed him over the edge and dragged him through the mud with him and stepped on him over and over and twisted the knife just because he could.
Because he knew Cas would let him.
How he kept taking, and taking when the other had nothing left to give and how now all he wants to do it give it all back.
To wrap the angel up and tell him how important he is.
How he was wrong- so so wrong- and that he'll do anything to make it okay just so long as he's here.
Here where he can finally treat the angel like the treausre he is.
He's running out of tears and words and Mary is hushing him and running gentle fingers through his hair.
She's singing to him softly.
A promise that everything will be okay.
And Dean's heart aches all the more for it.
________________________________________
After that his heart is heavy.
Because he understands now.
He'd gotten the things he'd always dreamed but was going to be denied the one thing he'd always taken for granted.
And....that was his punishment.
He could accept that, but it still hurt.
He still wanted.
and what was worse was-
What if Cas hadn't even gone to heaven?
What if he just died?
Died thinking no one cared about him?
Died alone and broken- with no one to greet him on the other side?
And he'd find himself wiping stray tears from his face.
His heart breaking a little more because of it.
Or worse yet?
What if…What if Cas had gone to Hell?
He feels sick at the thought of it, so he tries to push that one far away.
But slowly, all these thoughts and the weight of his past actions weighed him down.
So he moped around the house.
Mary trying her best to soothe him.
Sam and Jess trying to cheer him up, Jo trying to taker her mind off it all. Ashe and Pam joking with him. Ellen sighing and fussing.
Dean just ducked his head whenever Bobby looked at him.
Not wanting to see the sad knowing look anymore.
This was his fault.
He didn't need anyone's pity.
___________________________________
Its another few weeks before he finally comes to terms.
A strange calm settling over him one morning.
The sorrow that had been trailing him slowly washes away.
Trickling down to a pinprick of ache in his chest that's nothing more then a gentle reminder of his sins.
Cas was probably never going to come.
That was the simple truth of it.
He'd missed out.
He'd fucked up.
He'd probably lost the angel forever- and he could only hope that if he never saw him again that he was finally getting all the things he deserved.
That he was happy.
And it was okay that he wasn't with him.
It was selfish to ask more of Cas.
And he knew that now.
He'd always have regrets.
Days he'd stare up at the stars and pray still but he could handle it.
Because he was in heaven.
He was home and it was okay if Cas didnt want to make it his home as well.
He knew that Cas would be sad if he wasn't happy too.
Cas would blame himself for him being miserable.
Even if he never saw him again- he didn't want to make the angel blame himself.
So he went back to enjoying his friends, his family and his home.
The memories and thoughts of his angel slipped gently into his pocket- a gentle reminder of why he was even here.
It was okay.
He was happy.
❝ One time I punched a goose right out of the air. ❞
@thedyingembers
Sam was speechless for a long moment, simply staring at his friend with wide eyes and an open mouth before bursting into loud laughter, head falling back as his arms come to wrap around his ribs.
“What?” He gasped out once his mirth began to die down, “Cas, are you serious? Holy shit, that is the greatest thing I’ve heard in–god, possibly forever.”
Cas nodded eagerly, scooting closer to Sam. “It was an accident-- it had just taken off and I was attempting to punch something and boom! Goose down. I felt a little bad, I think it was alright though...just rather disoriented.”
you’re literally always ALWAYS 100% allowed to turn any meme i respond to into a thread. just make a new post, link back to the thread, and i’ll respond to it. me answering is already an invitation to plot something out, so even if you didn’t like my response or you want to do something else, plot something out with our characters, inbox/IM me, i’m definitely open for it.
The spell can't be broken until a virgin lights the candle or something like that.
“...I know that. Listen--Thackery is my friend and has been for a very long time. I know the details and conditions of his curse, just has he knows mine. I don’t know why you’re so interested in him--but as I said...There is always a way to break a spell. And it doesn’t have to be the way the caster wanted it to break.”
[ ARCHIVED ] @thedyingembers - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
