i listen to lord huron now, that one specific song reminds me of you even though i never really associated it with you.
thank you for being my first. i appreciate that my first time in a way, was perfect. i felt vulnerable with you. like i could know you & you could know me. the mask cracked because of you.
& i think my firsts were beautiful. my first kiss with someone i love is tattooed on my body. reminders, reminiscence. they’re my best friend now & i see love & friendship as beautiful things because of them. i’ll never let them know though, the ego would get to their head.
you were my first. of a lot of things. of seeing someone. like this. almost raw, almost love. thank you.
you taught me what i like. you showed me what it felt like to be truly wanted. & i know i’ll wish i could’ve shown you what it felt like to be loved. i hope you’ll find that someday.
i keep talking about letting you go but i think it’ll be some time until i really do. in moments, i let you go, in smiles, i let you go, in many more firsts, i let you go.
thank you for being perfect for the time we were with each other. i’ll always think about how i wish we ended in blood & sweat. but this is better. i know i’ll be haunted by the ghost of you. but i know, the image of you in my mind will form into pixels, as i live. i hope you’ll be alive long enough to live as i do. i hope you’ll be happy. i hope we’ll both be happy, on our own terms, in our own ways. even when there is no ‘our’ only yours, only mine.
i’ll always remember you as part of mine. but as i live, as i breathe, i’ll let you go. slowly. it used to be heart wrenching but as i write this i write from a place of honesty. i know what i’m supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you, i’m going to live.
that was the perfection. in the moments of us, i knew you felt what i felt. i knew in those moments we fit together, like puzzle pieces. but in the midst of these thoughts of our perfection, i’ll never loose myself in the what if’s.
life is a collection of what if’s & surprises. you were truly a surprise. thank you for staying that way, always.
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