So I've been thinking lately about the past. I try not to dwell on it so much anymore 'cus I just get tunnel vision, and it'll just be nonstop. But just for today, I wanted to reflect on my past friendships/relationships.
Well when I first left, I was hella homesick. But then when I visited home, I got reminded why I left. It's just small and I felt like I was in a bubble. Not just with the environment I was in, but as well as the people.
Don't get me wrong though, the place itself is beautiful. But I couldn't face and see old friends anymore. I tried, but it just felt like I'm in a different path now. Who they thought I was, doesn't really exist anymore. Well, not totally.
Parts of the past me are still there. My love for art, games, animals, etc. But overall, the past 5-6 years, I believe that I'm just different now.
Looking back at my past self, I no longer resonate with things that I've done to people. I don't have the same mindset or values anymore. For years, I felt guilty on how I just left without a message or a trace. And other badly made decisions that led to me hurting others as well.
But for a few people, I did reach out again, but like I said, I am no longer aligned with the person who they think I still am. And the fact that I don't really align with the stuff they believe or do either anymore is another factor. And then I just left again. I don't blame them at all for having the same perception of me.
It's kind of like that quote where it said something along the lines of: "A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you."
Do I miss the past? Itty bitty parts, but 95% of it — no. I was depressed, I didn't really see a future for myself for years until I was planning on moving out. Then basically after that, I just kept the steam going.
A small part of me thinks that maybe I should have said something or a goodbye at least. But ultimatately, I've made my decision so long ago to just leave. At the time, I didn't feel like I was wanted anyway. What difference did it make if I just left my friends?
And not gonna lie, I actually believe that I didn't really matter that much in the group. Not everyone is going to understand where I'm coming from, but I am wholeheartedly okay with that. In the end, we chose our own decisions and moved along.
stormborns
andulkaphoto
tangentwithtanner
janainaart
yousharknotpass
dededos
