ohdearneptune

Virus detected C:\Windows\nothingisreal.exe

[bob-belcher]

[theholleywoodsigns]

[one-unbelievable-instant]

Dear boyfriend,...

Dear boyfriend,MY SUN AND STARS!!!! Rancel, your family is lovely, but not as lovely as you. You’re the first boyfriend I’ve had who truly takes the time to understand. You’re the reason I’m choosing recovery. I got snowed in at your house last weekend and I’m so happy I did. It was fun!!! Waiting 3 hours for Chinese wast fun though XDFalling asleep in your arms and waking up to a kiss on the cheek was more than I could ask for…And you thought I would have to wait an eternity to sleep over!! I guess eternity passed quicker than I thought.You let me put make up on you, and because I’m white as fuck, and you’re tan as hell, my foundation and cover up made you look like a painted whore who tried too hard….. But it was great XD we suck at taking kissing pictures so that’s why we lightly slap each other on the cheek and it’s an equally good picture! You were the first to see my hair and you adored it!!

I feel beautiful with you, and what you said last weekend still has me thinking… You’re right… There is a part of me, deep down, hidden by piles of shit, that thinks I really am as beautiful as you say. Just based off the fact of pictures, “you chose which one is good or not, so you have to think you’re beautiful to do so.” You said that and it slapped me in the face.I love you so much, more than anything.Yer shekh ma shieraki anni

[ohdearneptunes]

Sorry...

Ok, so “Netflix and chill” is not exactly gathering your bros to smoke a shit ton of weed and watc Netflix together, excuse me and my lack of sex appeal.

[ohdearneptunes]

He takes it back, he's hot and he knows it. - @pabstorcoors

[oblwankenobi]

Kevin Bacon lashes sexist trend of unnecessary female nudity in cinema and television and demands more male nudity in Hollywood.

[oblwankenobi]

[smartass-stripper]

Kevin Bacon is a blessing

[starsfadingbutilingeron]

[micdotcom]

Watch: In another clip, Sanders explains the real reason he got into politics.

[all1sees]

Blueberries piss me the fuck off

They’re BLUE.

but mashed, they’re PURPLE??

AND WHEN SKINNED, WE SEE THE INSIDES ARE GREEN?????

WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK, BLUEBERRIES?!

[theangelictennants]

okay I keep seeing this and I felt the need to point out that humans are in fact any shade of brown/tan on the outside, if you mash them they are red, and if you skin them they are pink. no I will not be including photos.

[megnesiums-deactivated20171121]

ok hannibal

[kaibaibou]

[sing-me-to-sleep-tonight]

WHY DOESNT THIS HAVE MORE NOTES I FELL OFF MY CAHIR

[ohdearneptunes]

Sorry...

Ok, so "Netflix and chill" is not exactly gathering your bros to smoke a shit ton of weed and watc Netflix together, excuse me and my lack of sex appeal.

[thechekhov]

those 2 seconds felt like 2 hours

[archive95205-blog]

today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”

[lemonbraid-deactivated20130415]

[missmephisto]

this post had me in tears

[ghost-plot]

I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:

I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,

[greatestgoth]

My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn

[soldieronbarnes]

Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”

Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.

[spankyhole]

This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))

[succlentwitch]

I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”

[stellaathena]

Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.

[magebird-old]

When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”

[ledamemangociana]

something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”

[umbrellabonsai-deactivated20180]

one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”

[ohdearneptunes]

Oooooh spooky... #charliecharlie #debunk #gravity

[ohdearneptunes]

Cigarettes and Scented Candles

After coming home from Little Caesar's, my nose comes in tact with this peculiar smell. I couldn't define the smell, but the only things my mind could draw were weed, pizza, sex, warmth...then I tried matching this smell to those things, and nothing made sense. Until I put all those things together and realized what the smell was. Cigarettes and Scented Candle.

[ohdearneptunes]

Today at work

This kid of like probably, 3 or 4 years of age came into the store, I lightly bumped my shoulder into his head, said "oh, I'm sorry" and the kid was like "that's okay" and that is seriously the most decency I've gotten from any customer under the age of 18 in this store ever.

[sexpoleandmma]

This week has been an interesting one. At the end of August, I danced with some friends for Mastodon’s new video, “The Motherload”. We were stoked about it. Twerking in a metal video?! Unheard of! We came from varying backgrounds, classical dancers, pole dancers, strippers all nervously...

[ohdearneptunes]

preach.

[ohdearneptunes]

Walk into the club like...

[ohdearneptunes]

what she says: i'm fine

what she means: i'm gay for natalie dormer