oh we're doing that today bitch?

a CRWR 213 assignment

[ohgodhedidthat]

my love life as a gay man

growing up, i’ve always been told that love this is wonderful amazing thing between two people. implicitly it’s between a man and a woman, but hey, since #loveislove, i thought’d defs apply to me too

and as i learned how to date and all, my ideal relationship would’ve been one that would make me sing Betty Who’s “Alone Again” (or basically any song from her first album - “Take Me When You Go” made me believe in love again honestly).

but as things go, life is unfair. at the risk of sounding like a cliché, a series of heartbreaks and basically life telling me it aint a fairy tale helped me learn that hey, sex and love don’t have to be entangled. i embraced being a “slut” so hard that, well, i’ve lived by willam’s magical quote now:

aka this is my theme song now:

im not entirely a fembot though - i’ve learned to hold relationships, but they’ve all been busts. they’re all “meh”. none have been earthshattering or paradigm-shifting. i mean is it too hard to ask for a relationship that, once it fizzles, would make me sing this Betty Who song?

[ohgodhedidthat]

When I was a Kid: Love and Relationships - If Only I Knew

I let out a loud gasp as the tip slid in, willing myself to relax. The hard part is over, I told myself, pushing the pain to the sides and letting pleasure take over. He’s big and thick and hard and huge and that’s exactly why I always came back to him. He loved hearing he’s the biggest I’ve ever taken. It drove him wild. It turned him feral. It put him into a frenzy. It made him fuck rough and hard and senseless. Just the way I like it.

“I like you.” “I know.” “No. I like you like you.” “I know.” “…” “…” “…” “…Look I-“ “I know.” “…” “Don’t worry babe, I’m willing to wait.” “James, no. I’m not-“ “-You are. That’s how much I like you.” “Sorry.” “Don’t be. Now are you gonna eat your fries cause I’m still very hungry.”

He peppered my back with kisses as he slowly slid in, grunting ever so slightly whenever he got another inch in. I bit my lip as I felt him filling me. I reminded myself to take deep breaths. It’ll be great soon. “You feel so good baby,” he whispered, his breath sending shivers down my spine, “So fucking warm and tight. You like that big dick in you baby?” I simply whimpered in response. He’s halfway through. His ragged breathing told me that he’d want nothing more than to jam the entire thing in. But no, not yet. I arched my back a little bit more, letting another whole inch in. I met his lips for a wet sloppy kiss. “Of course baby,” I replied, trying my damnest not to roll my eyes, “You feel so fucking huge inside me baby. Use me, please.” He growled. He pushed my head down the bed, and made me lift my hips up higher. And without warning, he shoved the rest of himself in. Quick and speedy, with utter disregard for me. A sharp pain washed over me like a thousand sharp needles. I gasped, gripping the sheets tighter to ease the pain. I felt his skin bump into mine, felt his sweat running down my thighs. He pushed himself deeper, wriggling inside me as he changed angles and making me whimper like there’s no tomorrow. And then he hit it. “Fuck,” I shouted in glee. Fucking finally.

“James? What are you doing here?” “Well we haven’t seen each other in two weeks.” “Did you come straight from class? James that’s a two-hour commute!” “Yeah but I got a seat. Plenty of time to do homework.” “…” “Fine I just slept. But still! I thought of doing homework. Anyway, I brought soup. My baby needs to feel better soon. Midterms are coming up!” “James, you didn’t have to. Seriously.” “I miss your ugly face, ok. Didn’t you miss me?” “Well…” “….Asshole. Just get me bowls before I pour this soup on you.”

Once he got going, there was no stopping him. Merciless was an understatement. He pulled my hair. He gagged me with a sock. He bit my neck. He almost choked me. And I’ve never felt more alive. “That’s a good slut,” he moaned in my ear, “You feel so fucking good baby. You like that?” I could barely muster a whimper to reply. And in the corner of my eye, I saw my phone flicker.

James: Baaaaabe! I missed my bus so I’m going to be late. I’m so sorry. But I barely had time to consider the text as his thrusts became frantic, rushed. He’s getting close. Right on time. I faked a deep moan to his ears, and that sent him off the edge.

“Who’s Harrison?” “Oh, he’s a friend.” “He’s cute.” “He has a boyfriend.” “Well my boyfriend’s cuter anyway.” “Ugh James get off me you smell like coffee.” “Not until you tell me I’m cute too.” “Never.” “Tell me I’m cute!” “No I can’t lie.” “Tell me you ass! That’s what boyfriends are for!” “Then I’m afraid we have to breakup.” “Nope. Too late now. I already like you too much. Now give me my kiss.”

“That was hot,” he said as he rolled over the bed and tried to catch his breath. By the time it took for his breath to return to normal, I’m already dressed. “Leaving so soon?” He taps on the empty spot on his bed. I chuckled. “Fine. But you owe me. Let’s hang out next time?” I rolled my eyes. “Sure, text me when you’re free next.” I gave myself one last look in the mirror to make sure nothing’s out of place. My hair. Shit. “Harrison, mind if I borrow a tuque. You know, so there’ll be a next time.” He chuckled as he threw me a ratty green-and-white tuque. It didn’t match with what I’m wearing at all, but beggars can’t be choosers. He gave me one last kiss as he walked me out the door. “Hey James, sorry I forgot to answer your text,” I say on the phone. I’d text him back but it’s much easier to call. “Swamped with homework. Hell week and all. But yes, we’re still on tonight. See you in five!” “Awesome. Love you.” “I know.”

[ohgodhedidthat]

me when it comes to dating, and let’s be real, in life too.

[ohgodhedidthat]

me whenever i hear that a boy in an open relationship is now single a day after i hooked up with him

[ohgodhedidthat]

i mean, where is the lie tho. 

boyfriendtwin.tumblr.com is cray after all

[ohgodhedidthat]

When I was a Kid: Pokemon

Bulbasaur. Grass/Poison Type. The Seed Pokemon. It can go for days without eating a single morsel. In the bulb on its back, it stores energy. I was – and arguably still am – a fat kid. I’d blame genes, or that my parents grew up poor and thus didn’t want their kid to be deprived of anything, but really I just liked food. Like liked food. So I didn’t just eat that one slice of cake I’d need to be full – the whole cake or nothing please. Just one egg? No give me five sunny side ups please. Oh you were looking for the carton of chocolate milk Mom bought the other day? I finished it while watching Buffy sorry not sorry. This extended far beyond food. I’m not sure if it’s my addictive personality, or innate drive to just be the best in anything I do, but yeah. The Series of Unfortunate Events? Finished all thirteen books in a week. My exams? Aced them all. Swim meets? Gold or nothing. And, to my friends’ chagrin, this extended to everything that I’d rather my parents not know. Alcohol? No such thing as simply tipsy. Weed? Greening out was what we aim for. First date? If we’re not going to have sex, we’re not going to have a second date. Why settle for one morsel when you can have the entire silo?

Charmander. Fire Type. The Lizard Pokemon. The flame at the tip of its tail makes a sound as it burns. You can only hear it in quiet places. Growing up as the firstborn kid of Christian fundamentalist Asian parents was hard. Growing up as the firstborn son of Christian fundamentalist Asian parents who were the leaders of their church was even harder. So there really weren’t enough words to describe how hard it was to grow up as the firstborn son of Christian fundamentalist Asian parents who were leaders of their church AND be as huge of a faggot as I was. I knew I was gay from the very start. I knew it the moment I saw Simba waved his mane back and forth and felt that warm fuzzy feeling rush through my body. I knew it when my best friend’s older brother checked on us shirtless and I couldn’t look him straight in the eye. I knew it whenever my mom took me out to buy clothes and I’d walk by the underwear section three times and felt that familiar lump on my throat when I’d see photos of ripped torsos in nothing but tighty whities. But I had to push it all away. I was the eldest grandson from both sides of the family. Everyone loved how well-behaved I was. They adored how smart I was. They’re in awe of how spiritual I’ve become. I was going to be a doctor, marry my childhood best friend (who I’ve supposedly known since I was a fetus because our parents were family friends and we were born two months apart), have three kids, and carry the family name. I was their last hope because the my only older male cousin fell into drugs, didn’t finish school, and now in jail. I was perfect and he was a shame so I need to make my parents proud. They gave me food, shelter, and all the (un)conditional love they could muster. The least I could do was live up to what they want me to be. And so I did. But at night, before I sleep, I can hear it. It’s always there, it’s always bugging me. “You’re a faggot, Harry.”

Squirtle. Water Type. The Tiny Turtle Pokemon. Shoots water at prey while in the water. Withdraws into its shell when in danger. Asthma as a kid wasn’t fun. The tiniest bit of dust can send me doubling over a corner, wheezing like a ninety year-old on the last legs of her sad pathetic life. Every time I had an attack, it felt like two huge claws digging through my back, squeezing my lungs so bad they’d explode any second. So my pedia suggested swimming. Train my lungs how to breathe under dire circumstances and all. My parents were glad cause finally they can push son into a sport and I couldn’t complain cause it’s doctor recommended. Little did they know I was so into it because who doesn’t like cute boys in speedoes? And I loved it. I may be a bumbling awkward hippo on land, but underwater I was a majestic whale. My friends can jump higher and run faster, but I can dive deeper and hold my breath for longer. I may not be Ariel, but I sure gave Flounder a run for his money. The pool became my haven. I met my first boyfriend during a meet, and got my heartbroken by my second boyfriend after one. I had just finished fifty laps when my mom called about my university acceptance; I was just about to start them when she told me Grandma passed away. And to this day, it’s that acrid smell of chlorine that calms me down and tells me that everything’s going to be alright.

Pikachu. Electric Type. The Mouse Pokemon. It keeps its tail raised to monitor its surroundings. If you yank its tail, it will try to bite you. It’s been a long day. I had two midterms, finished three papers, and forgot my lunch. Plus the swim meet’s in three days. To say that Coach has been working us to death would be an understatement. The sun’s already gone when I got off my bus. I mean, it’s November so it’s not like the sun’s going to be out for long, but still. I wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck I felt that cold winter breeze. I’d be cranky, but the cold reminded me that I’m still alive. Or rather, that I still had legs. They were in so much pain earlier they practically numbed halfway through warmup. “I’m home!” I shout, the windchimes clanging on the door as I enter my house. Mom got the idea from my aunt. Said it’d make sure no one snuck out. Lucky for me my aunt installed it in their house first and my cousins already had a foolproof way to get around it within days of Mom putting it on. I found Mom sitting on the couch, clutching a framed photo of mine. Her eyes were red. “Wow, did someone die?” I asked as I gave her a hug. I was expecting a snarky remark, usually something about how ugly my nose was because I got it from Dad or how smelly I was because I didn’t shower that well. But nope, not this time. She simply sniffed, looked at me, then at my picture, and sniffed some more. What the actual fuck. I sat beside her and put my hand over hers. “Ma?” “Did we do anything wrong?” she muttered, tears streaming down her face, “Where did we go wrong? Tell us Ethan, please. What happened?” Something clearly. But I sure wasn’t a mind reader. Mom took her phone in her pocket and showed me a photo. It was Laura, Abby, Gabriel, and I – the usual foursome who’s known each other since we were kids cause our parents all went to the same church and got pregnant at the same time. Good Christian kids, or at least that’s what their parents knew. Until now. It was a photo of us four that Sam, Abby’s boyfriend, took during a house party last week. Laura, Abby and I were holding red cups. Gabe had his hands around my waist while I was nibbing at his ear. Shit. I explicitly told Sam not to post it. Fuck this. “I…have to go,” I said, bolting to my room. I sent a quick text to our group chat. Guys, we have a problem.

[ohgodhedidthat]

mom dad pokemon made me gay

[ohgodhedidthat]

HAVE THE SJWs GONE TOO FAR?

[ohgodhedidthat]

I HATE HOW I STILL KNOW ALL THE WORDS

[monticusrex]

I made cute versions of Gen I of Pokemon and IT TOOK SO LONG ;__;

next up: johto!

[ohgodhedidthat]

When I Was A Kid: Religion

I didn’t expect everything to feel so surreal. Church had been my life every Sunday as a child. As a child of one of the top church administrators, we were there the entire day: in the morning, we’d be crammed into one of the church’s attics – dusty, hot and made of wood as old as history – where we’d be taught by either one of the church elders or an overeager seminary student about Jesus’ virtues and how nasty Our Father Up In Heaven’s wrath was; and in the afternoon, while most of the congregation would’ve gone home and enjoyed the rest of the Lord’s day in bed, me and my friends would run around the empty pews and play hide-and-seek amongst the old rusty choir instruments while our parents held three-hour long meetings about the church’s programming and finances. I found it tedious to be honest, but hey having my dad be the one with the final say about the church’s direction (financially anyway; Gabe’s dad was the head pastor, my dad was more of the CEO) got me treated like royalty so I was all over it. And now, ten years later, everything still looked the same. There’s still a huge heaping of dust over the cabinet that held the art supplies. The air-conditioning’s still loud and barely able to keep the room below 23 degrees. The room’s a lot smaller than what I remember and the wooden floor creaked a little bit louder now, but the table where I knelt and prayed earnestly for Jesus to come in me and save my soul otherwise destined for eternal damnation was still there. Which made it the perfect spot for me to bend over and let Gabe come in me and save my soul from being bored to death. My first dick in three weeks, god I was going crazy. “Wow,” Gabe said as he thrust one last time, “That was amazing. You were amazing.” I rolled my eyes as I pushed him off me to grab the towels. I threw a towel at him and chuckled. “Oh I know,” I replied, wiping the beads of sweat on my chest and forehead, “You on the other hand, well…” Gabe stuck his tongue out. “Well fuck you.” “I mean, I guess I’m down to go once more. Last longer than ten minutes this time though?” “I hate you.” I blew Gabe a kiss as I handed him the rest of his clothes. The man hasn’t aged in ten years. Still tall and lanky, skin uncharacteristically pale as snow with a smile that could melt the ice caps if he wanted to. No wonder every girl in our Sunday School class wanted him. And from what I hear, everyone still did. “Practice makes perfect,” I said, running his hands through his hair, “I mean, does Angela really never put out?” I felt Gabe flinch a bit when I mentioned her name. Angela. Who would’ve thought antisocial, acne-ridden, lisp-y Angela would nab the most sought-after bachelor in church? “Oh right, the whole no-sex ‘till marriage. Surprised you still haven’t broken that. I hear Brandon and Eve already broke it last year. I’m not your first am I?” Gabe merely shrugged. He bit his lip. Shit. “Ohmygod. I truly am the corrupter. Thank god I decided to come back now and not when I’m 35. I mean I’ll probably be married but it’ll be an open relationship so we still can-“ “To James? So he’s ok with all of…this?” I laughed out loud. “Well for once, I don’t think I’ll be marrying him. Don’t think we’ll last the year even. And as for this,” I said, waving my hands at our current state of undress, “Well, he knew I was going to be gone for two months, and he knew I’m a slut.” I purposefully trailed my words. For dramatic effect, of course. “But no. What he won’t know won’t hurt him, right?” I watched Gabe’s Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Does Angela know?” He shook his head. “And she never suspected?” Guess that gay-to-straight transformation worked. Cast me aside, threw me under the bus, made me the gay temptress that led people astray because I wouldn’t tell our parents that we were just fooling around and it meant nothing. Because I was tired of pretending. God why couldn’t I be angry at him? I wasn’t then ‘cause I was blinded by love. Or at least that’s what I told myself. But now? Now I knew better. Now I knew my worth. Now I knew that I shouldn’t stand for shit. So why can’t I? I held his chin on my hand and tilt his head up. Did that romantic movie thing where instead of talking about how shitty he’s feeling now, I simply make his lips meet mine for a shallow, meaningless kiss. “Abby just texted. Said Laura’s taking forever so they’ll get here in forty-five minutes, tops. Enough for another round?”

[ohgodhedidthat]

as if i needed another reason to watch this mindfuck of a show

[ohgodhedidthat]

GRACE AND FRANKIE IS HONESTLY SUCH A BLESSING WE DONT DESERVE IT

[ohgodhedidthat]

eternal mood

[ohgodhedidthat]

“Some have their Bibles, and some go to church. Well I found my heaven inside of her.”

MY 2011 GOSPEL HONESTLY. especially when i wanted to piss my very religious parents off.

[directinme-blog]

don’t touch me, im self soothing #skqstyle

[ohgodhedidthat]

k w e e n

[christopher-reeve]

[pkmndaisuki]

i watched this opening numerous times as a kid. only now do i notice that she’s levitating the paper.

[christopher-reeve]

Why tho? The table is right there she’s so extra..

[h0odrich]

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