I haven’t written you in a while
I think I lost my mind
Felt your presence in my room
Wound up losing all sight of who
I could trust
Of how to think
It’s kinda crazy that people will try
to push you to the brink
They think you’ll break by losing
When really all they do is test your ability to survive
You lose those easily swayed
You’ll try to make sense of why
When all there is is questions
And no understanding of your mind
You didn’t mean to lose it
Or to give in to your thoughts
You thought they understood
But they went for a cheap shot
I think you almost died
Maybe lost a little time
Circling the drain
Calculating if you should still be alive
What are you worth when those you love leave
How do you stop the pain
No explanation no real reason
Except for their own gain
You know what you did wrong
Practice accountability
Try to maintain a sense of how you can do better
But everyone else has plausible deniability
Cry yourself to sleep to memories
Safety doesn’t exist when life only hands you enemies
Emotional warfare on someone with no front line
It’s scary to admit that you were taken for a ride
Given all the validation but zero guarantee
As long as it’s b beneficial for you but it can’t be beneficial for me
An easy target because I’m afraid
Do damage that lasts, things that stay
For you it’s a flash in the pan
For me it’s proof that perfect was the only way
Killing myself invites too much pity
Winning too much pain
All I really want to do is stop
Pause
Breathe
I want the hurt to go away
I don’t know if it ever will
Do all the right things
Go to therapy, get medication
Set boundaries
Have one-sided healing conversations in my head that never happen
Write poems that break rhyme schemes and are as chaotic as my brain
Breathe in, breathe out keep living with the pain
Try to list the reasons you want to stay alive
Family - doesn’t check in
Friends - lie to you
Business - doesn’t pay enough to survive
Guilt over pain loved ones - just enough to keep you afloat
Doesn’t give me longevity
It’s a raft not a boat
I’m writing to help try to clear my mind
Journal they said, it’ll all be fine
But it truly feels like I lost all of my light
My therapist thinks I’m doing alright
I think there’s more comfort in accessibility to knives
Never been a girl who cried wolf
Just been perceived as one
Several failed attempts
You know what they say
“Jack of all trades, master of none,
but oftentimes better than a master of one”
I’m good at the depression, the stress,
The mental-health episodes and the loss of friends
But I’m bad at the part of making it end
I’m afraid of the pain, my own and everyone else’s
So I call and tell them, I want to die
And they think I’m manipulating that it’s a lie
But in my head all I see is an end
Too afraid to pretend
But too afraid to follow through
So now I’m stuck
And I don’t know what to do
I guess this is where the poem ends
Be comforted by the fact that I was too scared
To let anyone else hurt
No matter what they did to me
I’ll never go through with it
But the thought never leaves
I’m haunted by my own mind
It hurts but I’ll continue to fight
Giving up isn’t in my nature
But sometimes escaping to the thought
Keeps me going
Knowing I have the comfort
Of the option to just stop
