🍋

I’m Lainey. I’m 32. Here against my will.

[despaircrossing]

[cats2019forthenintendoswitch]

The beatles and phone

[standbackwasted]

Its hard to understand that my dad will be dead my whole life. It so often feels like “oh this is just a hard time. It’ll be over soon” and then the horrible realization that this is forever!!! It’s so awful!

[technofinch]

I have GOT to stop spending $30

[standbackwasted]

🙂‍↕️

[littlealienproducts]

Handmade Mini Wooden Printer's Tray by MielMakings

[standbackwasted]

hi Lainey, just wanted to say i’m really pleased you haven’t changed your tumblr URL - many many years ago i got locked out of my tumblr and i would check your blog on Safari regularly just to see what you were up to as i’ve always been fond of your posts. i haven’t checked it now in years, but today i opened Safari and automatically typed “st” to go to your blog. the muscle memory is still there and i love that your blog is still here :-)

This is so sweet. I miss tumblr so much it’s crazy. So glad you’re still around. 🥹🥹

[standbackwasted]

I’m just addicted to knowing and loving and being loved by him. #tomUpdate. Just love this guy. I don’t understand what i did to deserve someone like him. Coming home and seeing him every day is one of the greatest joys of my life. Also bonus baby pic because i just love it so much

[standbackwasted]

Tom was in a community theater play and it’s been the silliest 2 weeks ever while hes been performing. And i love him more than ive ever loved anyone in my entire life.

[standbackwasted]

I just want to go back so bad. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming. I want to come home from school and lay on the living room couch for a few hours. I want to wake up and not realize i fell asleep. I want to lay at the foot of my parents bed. Why can’t it be easier to let go

[gammadoppler]

i hate it when the ball is in my court get that shit out of here

[kosmogrl]

where do you see yourself in 10 tumblr posts

[standbackwasted]

I’m so mad that i have to go through grief for so long. Like im mad that i didn’t get to be like. 50 when my parents die. Is it true the average person loses their parents at 50? Toms parents are 60 years old and their parents are alive. What the fuck!!!!!!

And i get it i really do. I am lucky that i didn’t truly experience profound and compounding grief until my 20s but like. Couldn’t i wait a couple years? Can’t we put this off? It still feels sometimes that it’s something that will “go away” next year. Like okay we just have to get through this year and everyone who died will be back and we’ll all laugh about how much it sucked. And i know that’s not real. I’m not fucking stupid. But it’s these split second thoughts almost shielding my brain. Like “just get through this. Itll be different next year/tomorrow/whatever”. Like truly a fraction of a fraction of a second i feel the pressure release. Like a relief. An almost imperceptibly brief belief that “it’ll be over soon”. Then you come back to reality and it’s like no actually this is the most permanent thing that has ever been. It’s over and it isn’t coming back. And nothing you say or do can change that.

I see a lot of grief tiktoks and idk how to explain i feel like i “owe it” to people’s grief to read their story? And this one lady said that no amount of being able to explain the feeling offers any relief. It’s so true. I can explain in vivid detail exactly what i am feeling and how it affects me every second. And you can completely understand. I can reach into your soul and imprint my pain onto you, and you can offer me total and unflinching support and understanding, and that understanding offers no relief. No amount of being understood makes the pain go away. It’s so awful!!! Being able to articulate it doesn’t change anything. Sometimes being understood heals you. Like a hand reaching out to touch you and say I’m here and i get it and I’ve been there. But it isn’t enough!! It isn’t enough!!!

[standbackwasted]

It’s like. I know grief happens to everyone and everyone must go through it and every single person in the world has a deep ever-present and complex relationship with it. But why does it feel like it’s only happening to me and no one else has ever felt this bad. Lmfao. Like i know that’s wrong and whatever words you want to use for it but why does it feel like it’s only happening to me? What’s that about. Why do i feel like no one else has ever felt this way?

[segamascott]

[disterbia]

[malibuklaus]

[despazito]