#wordsies

[ohhayshelby]

In this life or the next.

I still think I believe in reincarnation. And I believe our journey connects again. But you’re my protector, and I’m your vulnerability. We are not what we need right now. But I know my soul found yours for a reason.

I meant it when I said you are the platonic love of my life. I don’t think that will ever change. We both have big hearts but we express love differently. And right now, I love yous aren’t enough for me. And right now, pushing you to open up isn’t what’s good for you.

Maybe it’ll change in a week. Maybe it’ll change in a month. Maybe it’ll be a decade. Maybe it’s in our next life when we reincarnate as lion cubs. Or the one after that where you’re an international crime boss and I’m your intelligence leaker. I could write a thousand stories about how we meet again.

But you’re forever in my soul. I hope you see the same in me, because in this life or the next, whenever you run and jump one me, my arms will be open waiting to catch you.

[ohhayshelby]

[ohhayshelby]

Sacrifice

Sometimes I have to see the bigger picture Wonder in amazement at how many times I’ve fallen Climb back up into the life I created Get myself into a rhythm where I feel safe

I want to take a leap To always be on the off-beaten path But sometimes, the off-beaten path is the norm The sacrifice of conformity and abandonment of beliefs

Because once you see the other side That’s where the real choices lie in your life Can you stick to the things you believe When everything you want is to temptingly easier in front of you

Will you start to adhere to the easy life The one you see through screens Or can you stay true to the goal you set The one that has already set so many free

Take it in, take as long as you need But don’t forget your goal Don’t get greedy with the perks that don’t last Because in the end, you won’t just have lived, you will have thrived.

[ohhayshelby]

I am beautiful.

I sat in the cold sand at the shore. The waves soaking my clothes as I breathed in fresh air from the ocean.

It didn’t dull the burn you left in my lungs. Didn’t make my heart beat slower when I thought of you tangled up in someone else’s heart.

I wish I never left. Maybe if I had stayed... If I had done what you wanted I’d be there instead.

The ocean made me sick, and it reminded me more of you. It was cruel and cold but oh so beautiful in the moonlight.

But the sun came up, and shone on the horizon and the water calmed, and although beautiful, it looked like every other shore.

As I dried in the sunlight, I realized that your beauty shines in the darkest parts of my reflection.

My perception of you is really how I see myself.

And damn, I am beautiful.

[ohhayshelby]

Do you cry?

I trust easily. I don't fall easily. I love unconditionally. I give every part of me. But when people expect it. When they stop trying to pretend. When the pretense of politeness goes away. Is that when you cry? When they tell you they love you, Then disappear when they fuck up. When they make you feel small. Is that when you cry? Do you cry when you realize you're to blame? Because your kindness is a flaw. There's no virtue in coming back empty handed and empty hearted. Do you cry? Do you cry? Do you cry? I sob.

[ohhayshelby]

Cliché

I think about college a lot. About smoking bowls in big t-shirts and no pants surrounded by friends playing video games. About watching anime and opening beers with hammers against cement walls. Or lighting a joint up before I'd kiss the person I want to regret kissing but don't. I think about his eyes a lot. The blue and how since the first time I met him I knew he was gonna be the best kind of trouble. I think about his best friend. A lost boy who found his way and had me head over heels sometimes I think until this day. I think about the late nights worrying, wondering, I think about how he took his life back. I think about what it felt like, being high and in dark rooms with your best guy friends. In love with them all for different reasons in different ways. Was that living? Was I just another collegiate cliche? We're we stupid kids? Does it matter now? Would you -could you- still give me shaky knees? My football jersey forgotten, your dogs barking at the door, glasses off, no lights. I never had your heart but I always had your mind. I liked the challenge. I liked that you were a dick. I tore the nicer ones to pieces. But I think you always knew I was a storm just passing through. I wonder what I am now. I wonder if I came back if I'd still be that girl... I miss the floor and the arguing over what t-shirts I could steal. I miss arguing until six am cause I was one of the few who listened to you spout bullshit but knew better. You changed my life in dark rooms with joints and bowls and an appetite for the destruction that was me. He changed me by making me realize I can be in love but I can be horrendous for the person. I'm there now. I'm ready and I'm terrified. I realized what you were trying to teach me. I gave up control. It's not up to me. This is new and it's exhilarating and exhausting and confusing and I hate it and I miss you but I know better. Arizona summer nights in too hot rooms with no AC on have passed. I just wonder if LA nights are my future. I miss hazy and the desert. I miss forbidden and taboo. Bring me back to breaking hot tub rules and wine nights. LA is way too cool.

[ohhayshelby]

Wrote a lot of things lately.

And I can't publish them yet. However this line "My lungs thank you for being cancer. They now know they can withstand anything." Is probably one of the strongest things I've ever written. I've been through a lot in life. I'm pretty open about a lot of it. But I've never let it hold me back. And I think that's why I am the way I am. Assertive. Defensive. Strong. Stubborn. You don't form an eternally positive shield to keep the reality of bad things at bay for no reason. Calling someone cancer. Letting them know that they were the malignant form of cells in your soul that were sucking the life out of it is harsh. But it's STRONG. I'm still living. I'm still here. In the words of queens Bey, Kelly, and Michelle... "Out of all of the darkness and sadness, still comes happiness. If I surround myself with positive things... I'll see prosperity. Imma survivor not gonna give up, Not gonna stop, imma work harder. Imma survivor, I'm gonna make it. Imma survive keep on surving." I did that shit from memory.

[ohhayshelby]

I’m doing the thing again...

Where I totally fall for someone I shouldn’t.

It hurts because we vibe and well, but I think he’s an ass. I also think he thinks he’s too good for me, but I love it when he smiles.

How does that happen?

How can you dislike someone so much but also want to kiss and feel every part of them simultaneously?

Is it because I know he could be bad for me?

Probably. I tend to be self-destructive with relationships.

I just... want to know so many things about him.

...I’m doing it again.

It’s time for bed.

Dream the feelings away.

That’s how it works right?