Love is such a dirty word.

Hey there, I'm Cari. I'm 23. A Gallows enthusiast, Forensic Science Graduate.

[doublehubblegum]

I will write about the following. Leave one in my ask box:

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I like,

Dear ex boyfriend,

Dear ex girlfriend,

Dear ex bestfriend,

Dear bestfriend,

Dear Santa,

Dear Mom,

Dear Dad,

Dear future me,

Dear past me,

Dear person I’m jealous of,

Dear person I had a crush on,

Dear [future] girlfriend,

Dear [future] boyfriend,

Dear *anyone*,

[ohmycari-blog]

“So my 2016 is going to go better than its predecessor.

This year I want to travel. I want to visit another 11 cities around the world. This year I want to read more. I want to read at least another 100 books. This year I want to stop smoking and start running. I want to be healthy. This year I want to have a good job. I want to be able to save. This year I want to truly live. This year, I’m going to be happy.”

2016, I think I fucked up with you.

I didn’t get to do anything on that list. Its not great but it’s not all bad either. I’ve done some pretty great things this year. I’ve also done some really fucking stupid things this year. 

I’ve loved and loved and loved and been loved but not in ways I wish I had been or done. Its an absolute mind fuck right now but I hide everything behind my smile. One that makes my weird psycho-analysing customer ‘melt’ apparently.

I’m technically unemployed, I have no passport, Im still smoking although, a lot less than I normal have, I haven’t lived not truly. On top of everything after how abysmal my Christmas was, I’m not entering the new year on a high. Not right now anyway. I feel so low and y’know what I’ve learnt? That it’s okay. It’s 100% okay that I’m not feeling great. I’m going to get there. 

I’ll love and probably love and love again and it still not work out but that’s okay. I may travel ,I may not. I may get the job I want but I may not and it’s all okay. 

“Every change leads to a leap of faith.” 

I’m going to stick to my guns. I’m going to keep smiling and one day I’m going to wake up and I’ll be smiling for real and that is going to be more than okay. It’s going to be great. That, my friend, is my New Year’s resolution.

[intensefoodcravings]

[whothehellisharry1-deactivated2]

Trying to explain to your family members why homophobia/racism/islamophobia are wrong

[diotheleo]

October 23, 2006 - October 23, 2016

[bellahijadelaluna]

You’re not over exaggerating. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not too much. If it hurts you it fucking hurts you. If it makes you angry, then it makes you angry. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling.

[420moshdad]

[blaackversace]

Submissions Welcomed 

[softfrnk]

old school mcr re-lived: poster #3

[ohmycari-blog]

I’m getting really confused about everything now. 

My life is crazy as per usual. 

[johnnyslittleanimalblog]

[ohmycari-blog]

When you find the perfect summary of how you're feeling on Tumblr but no one has reblogged with any advice on the situation.

I wish I could talk. 

[ohmycari-blog]

Hi, my name’s Cari. 

This week has been the absolute worst.

Oh and I’ve fucked everything.

I’ve been putting off writing about this all week because the harsh reality of it all will hit me. I’m realising with every word just how much of an absolute tit I actually am. 

This time last week I was hanging out with some mates, all excited, partying. Getting super excited for my holiday with my mum and sister played a huge part of how happy I was this time last week. I only had one more gruelling week in work and I’d be free. 

Off for a week and a half to spend some quality time with my mum and sister in Kos. I was looking forward to just lounging by a pool, book in hand not giving two shits about anything other than tan lines. 

Mum’s had this holiday planned since she got back from Kos, in June! This was going to be our first ever holiday abroad. We were constantly sending pictures of stuff we’d bought and laughing about music playlists we were creating for some poolside entertainment. 

However, me being the absolutely stupid cow I am, I went ahead and lost my passport. On a night out. A night out that I barely remember. I’ve ruined my mum’s and sisters holiday, I’ve ruined my mums birthday. I forgot to mention - while we’re out there, it’s my mums birthday! (Bonus daughters points definitely don’t go to me this year). 

I wanted to try and sort it out myself. Be a grown up, find my passport or die trying. The venue I thought I’d lost it in wasn’t open until the Tuesday. No biggie, I thought, it’ll be there, I know it will. Tuesday comes around.. It’s not there. . 

Obviously at this point, my head is all over the place. I’m still working around all of this searching too by the way. The entirety of last month I had 4/5 days off. I kid you not, I’m fucking shattered. I was so looking forward to getting away!

My boss, the generous and loving boss that he is, called me into the office - Lets get it sorted I’ll call the passport office for you, let’s see what we can do. I’ll pay for it for you, worry about it next payday. I still held onto the hope that I could find it. 

So I took two hours out of work to try. I call into the police station, it wasn’t open but the lady on the phone told me to go in the following morning. I called and went into the takeaway I went in, it wasn’t there either.  I call the Uber driver who took me home that night - he didn’t find it in his cab. I went back to work beaten and defeated. It’s okay though, the police station might still have it! I’ll try in the morning, if not, I’ll go to the passport office.

I head back to work, migraine kicking in and tears still strewn across my face and in my eyes, I have a pre-order waiting I get on with my work. I get the preorder out, everyone is happy. I’ve been in there all day on my own, the prep was insane, delivery was huge, and I have to close on my own. Long, tiring and emotionally exhausting. I get it done. I forget about the stock I haven’t yet put away from delivery.

I wake up the following morning to an angry message about said stock. There’s a lot of moneys worth there and it’s pretty much useless to us now. I’m being called into a diciplinary for unprofessional misconduct. I take full responsibility, it was my fault - I have nothing other than apologies and promises that it wont happen again. I leave. I’m on my last ever warning. 

I call the police station as I’m working, angry officer answers. Of course we dont have your passport - we have to send all lost passports back to the passport office, you need to buy a new one. - Wish I’d have known that yesterday. Could have booked an appointment then. 

I book an appointment, my parents call. I break down crying. I’ve kept it from them for 3 whole days and it’s been tearing me up. I tell them, they’re angry and upset I didnt tell them sooner. We sort out an appointment. I go the following morning to the passport office.

I teared up when I was told there’s no way I can get it done on the day. I nearly pass out from hyperventilating when he says there may be no chance it will arrive in time for my holiday. I leave feeling somewhat dejected and upset. I’ve rallied some friends, we buy wine and sit in the sun listening to music all day. It’s the first time I’ve smiled all week.

My last day of work is finally here! I should be so excited, instead I’m nervous and frantically searching for cheap flights. I realise I dont have much money left in my account. I panic some more. I stress myself out and cause myself another full blown migraine. I take some pills and it subsides. I work behind a bar again, it was fun. I miss it. I go home and pass out, hoping to god my passport will arrive. 

It’s been two/three days since I had my appointment -I’m impatient, I know. I email, I send off my tracking information and I call, all before 3pm. I get the same information in the phone call as the first email. The second email, It’s going to be delivered in 1-2 days. Surely... That could mean today, right? Wrong. 

So here I am. After a whole day spent on my couch nervously watching the letterbox, nearly ripping a poor leafleters arm off as they post a shit kebab house takeaway menu through my door. I’m in tatters. I have no identification and no passport. So no holiday tomorrow. 

I was supposed to have the perfect day today. I booked an early train to Manchester so I could go and see the favourite.. Spend a few hours with him, treat him to a meal because he’s always treating me. Grab a coach to Liverpool and be with my family. Getting stupidly excited for our holiday. Few bevs and probably even a round on singstar. I didn’t even have that. I’ve been sat in my pyjamas all day, being sad and for the majority, I’ve been alone. It sucks.

I feel like I’ve let my mum down and to me, that’s worse than anything I’ve felt all week. She’s my absolute rock and is always there for me. I might not even make it for her goddamn birthday. After all the money she’s paid out for me to be on this holiday with her. I said the whole time people asked about my holiday; “You know, Im not even bothered about the holiday that much, I’m just excited to spend a whole week with my mum and my sister.” and I’ve fucked it.

I’m such an idiot. I swear, if anything like this could happen to anyone, it was always going to happen to me. 

My suitcase is packed, it’s by the door, waiting patiently. I still need euros and I still need to wait for my passport. It won’t arrive tomorrow, because tomorrow is Sunday, and honestly, who (apart from us lovely folk in hospitality/retail) works on a Sunday? 

Here’s hoping it arrives bright and early on Monday morning and I can sort a flight out for later that evening. 

Trying to stay positive when I feel this shit, it’s proving real fucking hard. 

I just want to spend time with my mum and not have to worry about work. All I want to trouble me next week is if my nose is peeling or I have ridiculous tan lines. Here’s hoping. 

I’m shattered, I’m going to try and sleep.

[ohmycari-blog]

“Im at the back but also in the front.... I think I’m falling for you.” 

[ohmycari-blog]

Definitely no good at this writing thing. 

I got asked to be a part of one of my best friends weddings. I nearly cried. 

I ugly cried at Me Before You.

I got broody after 2000 trees because the kids there were ace and adorable. 

I cried and wanted a baby and wanted to settle. This week has been crazy. 

I need to change my life. 

Lots of weird things have happened, lots of normal things have too. 

I need a hobby.

[swordbabe-deactivated20151016]

SAY IT WITH ME

the mitochondria are not “deep”

the mitochondria are not “quirky”

the mitochondria are the fucking powerhouse of the cell

STOP ROMANTICIZING MITOCHONDRIA

[viridiansunlight]

You can’t stop me

[ohmycari-blog]

I dont think anything has really changed since I last wrote a little insight.

I still dont know where I am with certain people. Im tired. I feel underappreciated at work and I’m starting to feel lonely. A lot. I’ve come to realise though (with a bit of help from some fiction) I need to be happy and okay with being single. I need to be okay with being just me. ‘Cause otherwise I’ll end up not happy again in a relationship where I’m in it because I’m sad and lonely. It’s been 51 weeks since my last relationship. It’s been incredible. I’ve done some stupid shit but hey, we live and we learn, right? 

I’m gonna watch Me Before You tomorrow if I can find a good link. I’m gonna ugly cry then I’m going to probably be upset that I’m sad and lonely then I’ll go have nachos and tequila and go to bed. Which I definitely should be doing now. D: 

short but sweet.

[baker2d]

Check this tee I did for the beautiful @deadskullapparel and its fucking @deadskull’s birthday today/yesterday. I love that dude so much. He lets me draw skulls and helps me keep my shit down. Kind is always a good thing. #illustrator #illustration #apparel #design #art #tattoo #deadskull #deadskullapparel #love #hate #bloodsweatbeers #horror #sword #dagger #oneintheface #forever #baker2d

[ohmycari-blog]

<3 Gah.