Riceball's Coffeehouse

To capture every moment and every thought, there must be transparency and acceptance.

[ohmyriceball]

FAU

Monday, September 17th, 2018

I am having an internal anxiety attack and I am trying to okay, but I am panicking and it’s so hard to just breath and be okay. The only person that comes on my mind about venting is him and I know he has work right now. He knows my mental breakdowns in the bathroom. I was so tempted to do it in the bathroom, but I am in professional dress and I cannot just sit my bare ass on the bathroom floor like I normally do. 

I don’t know how to write this paper, I got most of the basics done, but I am missing a huge chunk of it and the conclusion. It sounds like complete shit and I didn’t realize how much I sucked at writing that I just want to cry. I feel like such an idiot to have thought I can do this when in reality, this is not even who I am. I don’t pursue things. I am not my sister. My life does not just come in clutch when I need it the most. I don’t have the mental capability to do this. I suck at this. I wish I can be okay with failure but I cannot. I know it’s so unhealthy, but this is who I am. 

My brother is having such a hard time with not getting a job and it’s already so hard on him. I can’t bare to complain about my own problems. It’s not even a problem. It’s that stupid. I can’t even complain right now. I just want to talk to someone and just throw them all my burden, but I can’t and that’s just what I’m stuck with. 

[ohmyriceball]

updates!!

 Friday, September 14th, 2018 

Lady and the Mug 

It’s only been a month since I turned 20 and I am SO ready to retire, but to be honest, who isn’t? 

It’s been a crazy two weeks with homework assignments, meetings, workshops, and emotional mood swings filling up my lovely schedule. 

Updates: 

School/ Career Development 

I actually found my motivation to do all my homework assignments and studying again. I’m not sure what it was that pushed me to the point. Maybe it is the fact that I have the tiger mom already programmed into me or because I am using it as a coping mechanism for everything that has been going on in my life, but I really appreciate myself for getting back into the grove of things. 

All my classes are going well and I actually enjoy them for the most part. I think the fact that I am always learning always makes me excited about going to class. My FIN3403 and ESC3013 classes are probably one of my favorites. Numbers and the economic development really interests me in terms of new subjects that I am learning. 

Wednesday, September 12th, was the School of Accounting Kickoff and I loved the experience. How it works that we are in a group that transition from one company to another meeting their recruiter/ professionals and network with one another. The ultimate goal is to connect with them and ask questions about their field and learn more about the accounting world in 10 minutes. If the company is interested in you, they will give you a ticket to go back after lunch and continue the conversation. I got two of them and I was so excited! I love the culture and the environment of the two companies. They are middle sized and I can feel their passion for the company that they work for. I had an overall good experience and I am so grateful to have had this opportunity. 

Questionable Love Life 

Although I’ve been battling this bump in my life, I have honestly been so impressive with how I’ve been dealing with it. I still try to text him and call him, but I am starting to be better at holding back. I still want to be friends with him and, to be honest, that’s all I really want at this point. In my previous post, I talked about how I am not really into titles. With the Accounting Scholars Program (ASP) going on, I am better off not dating or involving myself with men/ boys. I enjoy being friends and having stable friendships rather than putting my heart out there like that. 

Family

To be honest, my family has been a bit of a mess in my perspective. There has been so many fights. I have to keep everyone’s secrets and it can be very overwhelming. I am trying my best to be supportive. 

My sister has been doing her absolute best with school and I could not be more proud. She has stopped with her procrastination and I am impressed. I hope that she will continue down this path. I really hope she gets into UF. She deserves to be a part of their university in every way. 

Friendship 

I have not talked to my ex-best friend in forever. I have so many things I want to say to him, but to be honest, I think that giving us some time apart would be a better idea. I have way too much going on and I would only be even more selfish if I just forced my way back into his life. A part of me feels like the friendship is already at its end and a part of me feels like that’s okay. I will post more about this another day. I just can’t really decide what I am going to do yet. 

Happiness Level 

I am pretty content with my life. Although I do wish that he played a more prominent role in my life, I am happy that school and my career development is going well. I am still working towards being supportive with my family and friend(s) and I hope that things continue to only be good. 

[ohmyriceball]

titles, commitments, and a hot mess

Friday, August 31st, 2018

Asian Grill 

I found out today that Amy and her friend wanted to go see Crazy Rich Asians and Cream on Monday as a celebration for her birthday. I am fine with that because I actually wanted to do both, but to be honest, really with him. See, I would be called crazy if I wanted to do it because I just want an excuse to see him, BUT before the whole thing ended, we had already planned together to do both those things... so technically I am just following up on plans (ok, and maybe wanting an excuse to see him). I hesitated a lot to text him, but I told myself that girls can initiate hang-outs, PLUS it’s not like we will be alone. We’ll be in a public setting and with other people so it’s not a date. It’s honestly not that serious. 

I was journaling and I realized that I’m not a title kind-of-gal. I like the idea of it, but it complicates this so much and I feel like it’s so unnecessary if both persons are loyal to each other. It’s like a better version of “friends with benefits” except with feelings, but on the DL maybe? I don’t know, but I feel like it just complicates things and I am not about that life. I like it chill. Sure, I’ll post about how much I love you but people wouldn’t have to freaking know if we were dating or just really close friends, ya know. I don’t know. Maybe I am afraid of commitment or maybe I just know that relationships just don’t last these days. It is what it is. 

I did end up texting him like a grown as woman and the answer is kind of still in the air.. OH WELL, I did my part OK. I was a mature, young mother-freaking lady and I asked because it’s does not always have to be the guy to initiate stuff like this. We should be opened minded about this stuff. I’m just kidding, PLEASE like me again :( 

[ohmyriceball]

divided happiness

Wednesday, August 29th, 2018 -- Rainy

Asian Grill

Oi, I got off the phone with my best friend and I had a huge anxiety attack. I am just overwhelmed with emotions right now. I explained my situation to her and to be honest, I have no idea if I can handle it personally.

They say “friends with benefits” do not work because one person always ends up with some sort of feelings, but jokes on them, because I am already that person. I thought I would be okay. I think I am. I’m pretty sure I am so why am I so uncomfortable right now? I am super anxious and I don’t know if it’s because I have training tomorrow for Kickoff or because of him. It’s such a weird, unsatisfying feeling that I just can’t get rid of. I was fine yesterday so why? Why am I like this today? I was fine this morning? Honestly, my emotion intelligence when it comes to myself is at 0. 

I was journaling this afternoon and I found myself write this sentence “I like to share my happiness,” but I am not sure what that meant. It almost seem like I was trying to say that I like to share my happiness and give “a piece” of it to the people around me that I love, but isn’t my happiness just something that makes me happy so It wouldn’t even apply to them. Does me “sharing” my happiness make me less happy? Like I lose the value of it as I tell more and more people? Is that what it is? I don’t know, it sounds strange, but I can see it. 

As you share your happiness with the world, if others are not as happy or find it repulsive, you may start to lose that sort of positivity. For example, YouTubers and celebrities that share their content or their achievements, people are happy for them and they might get haters here and there, but it’s mostly the positive feedback. But if they receive negative feedback, the thing they are so happy about may not be as great as they thought it was. I guess this is pretty common sense. I just never applied to my life, I guess. 

 I am so tired of myself. 

[ohmyriceball]

yikes overdrive

Tuesday, August 28th, 2018 — Humid

GN102, FAU

I got to school a half an hour early so I sat by the College of Business and journaled to him, then I turned around and I saw HIM. I knew it was him. It was his hat, his backpack, his hair, his walk... I know it was him. I wanted to say hi, I really really really wanted to say hi, but I didn’t want to put him in an awkward and very uncomfortable position in person. He wouldn’t be able to handle it but omg I saw him. AHHHHH, my heart was beating so quickly. UGH. It makes me really want to call him, but would he even answer? I doubt it. If anything, he might have me blocked lmfaooo, I hate myself.

[ohmyriceball]

introverts, madre, and everything in between.

Monday, August 27th, 2018 -- Sunny

Lady and the Mug

Although I don’t deserve it, I’ve been allowing myself to just get some me-time. There’s a lot more things I can be doing that is productive and for school, but I know that if I do them without feeling good, I won’t learn anything. It can go the complete opposite though, I can actually feel pretty productive, but meh. I don’t want to yet. Maybe another day? 

This week is going to really push me out of my introverted self and be a social butterfly. Oi, it’s going to be a rough week, I already know it. I have two back to back meetings today and I just got off of work. I think after today, I’ll be a bit better with more understanding of how the program works and all. I always try to get ahead of myself and the feeling sucks. 

It takes a lot of courage for an introvert to live in an extroverted world. We have to build up so much energy and guts to even participate in social gatherings because we know how hard it is to communicate to others that may not understand or, worse, misunderstand what we are trying to say. I got very anxious thinking about it and I started freaking out about it when I really didn’t have to. I can do this. If I can do GEB with the best time of my life, I can do this. I was able to fit in and have such an amazing time in that class, I think i can do this. I feel like I am in a way better positions than others and here I am, freaking out about something I don’t even know what’s going to happen. 

I can’t believe it’s been a week since him and I talked and he hasn’t tried to reach out. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he wouldn’t think of me. The feeling sucks, but I’m working through it. I don’t want to hate him or get over him, I actually just want to be okay. It’s like Derek but with a different intensity because I actually spent time in person with him. Derek is just the basic of how crappy it is to be left, no offense or anything. I don’t know how to explain it. 

I have to write a letter for Amy for her birthday. So many things I want to do and so many things coming up and I am still sulking over him. I’m so pathetic. I am ashamed to be me sometimes. When will I be ok? George said that he doesn’t deserve someone like me, but I honestly don’t want to think like that. He means a lot to me and I want it to stay that way. I don’t know. Where are you? I miss you a lot. 

I give a lot of props to my cousin for being able to go through the program with so many other things on her plate like the restaurant and her mother’s health issues. I’m already having a mental breakdown thinking about the program, the restaurant, work, the family, and my stupid heartbreak and yet they are all just fine without me. I am sure I am just being a control-freak, but they are such small problems in my life. I don’t know how she did it but props to her. I told madre that I would honestly kill myself because she left me during the hardest time of my university life. I just wouldn’t know what to do without her. Madre have been so supportive and loving and I’ve only started to really appreciate that since I started university. I have so much to give back to her before she goes. I honestly could not live without her. Madre said that she would only worry about our financial needs, but that’s not even the whole picture. In fact, that is the least of my worries. I just need her. I need madre, she’s my superwoman... She deserves so much more than what I can give her and that really sucks because she really deserves the whole world. I really hope that one day she can retire, bake, and travel- she would love that. It would make me so happy to give that to her. It would be my thanks for giving me opportunities of a lifetime- even when I wish I was dead sometimes. I love you, madre. 

[ohmyriceball]

truth be told

Friday, August 24th, 2018 -- Rainy

Lady and the Mug

I can’t believe that it’s almost been two weeks since I’ve talked to him. So many things have happened in which I wished he was there just to comfort me. Shame on me. I should not feel that way. I can be by myself. He does not complete me. He only makes my life less lonely, but I know how to be alone. It’s moments like this where I feel like I am not the “strong, independent woman” that I always claim I am. 

Although it’s been easier to get up every morning because of my responsibilities and obligations, he always pops up in my head. I know his schedule so I know when he has class and/or work and if that’s creepy, I’m sorry. He’s just always on my mind. It doesn’t help when conversations and even phrases always seem to show up in my mind when certain words trigger memories of him. I don’t know how long I’ll be here in this stage of wanting him, but I hope that I can get passed this. I keep telling people around me that it’s not even about getting over him now, it’s about finding my motivation and purpose again. I know that unless I get that “closure” or whatever it is I am looking for, I don’t think I will ever get over him. It’s like Derek- how do you love someone and just disappear from their lives so quickly without an explanation? To be fair, no explanation can mend a broken heart. 

When I ask myself, “what is your motivation?” or “what exactly is your purpose?,” my family always comes up. Since I was a little girl, everything I’ve done was to prove to my parents that I am good enough. Although they see me as “good enough” now, I don’t feel accomplished. I know I am at the age where life changes very quickly. People come and go. Goals are met or changed or forgotten because we are too busy adapting to our busy lives. 

I got into a fight with Amy yesterday because I was annoyed and frustrated over the new POS system. It sucks, but we have to get used to it. It is what it is. She got mad at me and I just went off. I thought about the sacrifices that I made for her. If i didn’t go to FAU, she would not have been able to do what she does now at school and my parents would not have been able to handle her or the restaurant. I am not trying to sound conceited, but I feel like the family was just fall apart without me around. Even if I ask my mom, she would agree. It’s like the only thing that holds the restaurant and the family here together is me. I always have to get in between their fights. I always have to take care of matters at the restaurant whether I know how to or not. It’s shit like this that makes me feel like my only purpose in life is to serve my family. Things that I’ve done for myself has never gone right, but the truth be told: I’ve only pursued after love when it comes to my personal happiness. Even with school and stationary- two things that I passionately love- is not always the thing that I keep up with. It’s the idea of falling in love and the concept of love in general that always interests me. I don’t seek it, but I’m constantly drawn to it if it happens around me. 

I told George and Moon that it is just the person I am. I am one to love. I love to love. Maybe it’s because in our culture, it’s not openly discussed or even acknowledged. It’s always about family and continuing that family to survive and I understand that. I just want to be open to it. I want others to feel loved. That’s just me. You’d think by now I would have built up high walls to protect myself from the heartbreaks and the trust issues that I’ve developed through the years, but it is the opposite. I fall even more easily and it sucks, but I love that part of me. It makes me and it makes me feel like I’m human too. 

In other people’s eyes, I am juggling my family, the restaurant, work, and school like a crazy person. Yes, I barely have time for myself and I feel empowered with all the “amazing” things I handle, but I am human. I have emotions and not just happiness, but also depression. That’s just me. I am the gal that shows my happiness with my enthusiasm with people and my depression with quietness. I allow myself to embrace all my emotions and I show them without holding back anymore. I want to be vulnerable to others. We need more of that in this world. We need to accept that fronting happiness is not the way to run away or solve problems. It’s about relating and communicating our sadness as well. I am not saying that we should walk around looking sad or talking about depressive subjects, but we should be able to show weakness in this world that only acknowledges strong people. It’s about acceptance and transparency in a world full of lies and masks. 

[rputamis]

“Please stay by my side.”

[pottersandplanters]

where passion, mission, vocation, and profession intersect. a sense of purpose. a reason for being.

[dramatroll]

ouch. 

[ohmyriceball]

I feel attacked. 

[ohmyriceball]

me: that is a cute planner, i should get it

also me: you don't need another one, you've already got three

[stationerysatellite]

So this arrived today and I ‘have to’ post it sorry - I’m on cloud 9 rn😭😍💚💙💚

[ohmyriceball]

omg it’s an attack on titan washi tape 

[shilensjournal]

I have been wanting to have a a Lunar Calendar in my bullet journal but things got crazy last year so I planned on making one at the start of 2018 instead.So here it is! You know I love anything moon related, it’s my ruling planet under my zodiac btw. Something so serene and nurturing about the moon, and I love how this spread turned out. IG: @shilen.qc

[ohmyriceball]

Films, High School, and the Dying Girl

Book Review: Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -Jesse Andrews 

To be honest, I did not enjoy the book as much as I thought I would. I had hoard this book for while. The last time I picked up this book was back in 2016- my infamous year of depression. Through this book, I thought I was going to be able to see the interactions between friends and a dying girl. I wouldn’t necessary have called myself “a dying girl,” but I wanted to dive into the effects of others if I was dying. It was honestly the reason why I even picked up this book. 

Recently I told myself I wanted to spend more quality time reading and actually go through my “to-be-reads.” I picked up the book with the same mindset, which was a huge mistake. 

The book definitely offers a refreshing and different viewpoint of being around a dying girl (Rachel). Greg, the main character, is rekindled with Rachel after his mother found out that Rachel had acute myelogenous leukemia. This meant that she had cancer that was spreading quickly in the bone marrow and must be treated with radiation and chemotherapy since there was no direct part of her body that was affected- it was her whole body. Greg, Greg’s friend, Earl, and Rachel became friends through the conversations about films that Greg and Earl loved and made. The book really focused on two main aspects: films and high school. 

1. High School sucked. 

2. Films made by Greg and Earl was top secret and hidden. 

The first part of the book focuses on how lowkey Greg tries to be through high school so that he could be enemy free with no attachment to a specific group. He vents a lot about how his mother ruined his high school life after she made him hang out with Rachel because that is how the news of Greg and Earl being filmmakers was let out throughout the whole school after they made a film for Rachel. The second part of the book further details the process of how they ended up filming a YouTube-like video of them just hoping Rachel would get better and was later shown to the whole school by the request of Greg’s mother. This exposed Greg and his reputation to the whole school and that is how Greg claimed his mother ruined his high school life. 

Although this book was a breeze to go through because of how conversational the tone was towards the readers, it was difficult to read on with no anticipation for something that could be more. The author did warn the readers that it was no typical book, but the humor was a part I did not understand. While going through reviews of the book on Goodreads, I noticed that many commented on the humor and to be completely honest, I did not find the book funny at all. Maybe it was the mindset that I had going into the book, but I couldn’t find the humor in it at all. 

I did enjoy the different style of writing that the author used. I like the conversational layout he offered because it was friendlier and real. it seemed like there was no editing (although I am sure the grammar had to be 100% for it to be published). 

Overall, I definitely like the exposure I got from reading this book, but I don’t think I would pick it up for a reread a second time. 

[breathtakingdestinations]

 Huntington Beach - California - USA (by Ian D. Keating) 

[cosmicrew]

moodboard

[ohmyriceball]

Unfiltered Introduction

To be honest, I just wanted to start a blog to release my thoughts, my creative journal, things I’ve learn, and everything in between. Whether it is about school, relationship, family, television shows, books, etc- I just want to share what goes on in my brain to the internet. It makes me feel a bit vulnerable, but I told myself that I wanted to be transparent. Although I do have a journal that I keep my darkest and deepest thoughts, technology has made it easier for us to save paper and keep our most sacred posts on the Internet forever. I’m not really making this blog for others, but for myself, but I would love it if someone found this and understood me as a person and relate to my random posts. 

Most of the time, my posts will just consist of me venting or just typing out my plans for whatever was going on in my life. I’ll review books and Korean dramas. I’ll review my life decisions and what I think about certain topics. I think what I’ll try to focus on the most is my culture and how it influences my relationship with friends and family as well as my life decisions with school and work. Of course, I would love to interact with everyone that comes to me. I have so many interests and I get into many things very quickly. I just want to find happiness in everything and everyone I come across. 

In the end, I just want someone to read my blog and completely understand who I am as a person and feel entertained about the situations I go through. I will try my best to be as transparent as I can so that one day, I can also go back to this blog and watch the changes that I go through throughout my life. 

Love, 

RiceBall