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I have no idea what i'm doing

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

the older i get the more freckles cover my skin and the more my hands look like my mothers. I’ve always admired her hands but now I feel like i have the hands of a deeply troubled and hateful woman. I don’t know whether that’s her or me

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

my mom is at minimum a nazi excuser at middle a nazi symathizer and doesn’t that just make her a nazi?

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i’m just a bitch with mommy issues ok

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

lockdown feels the same as college: surreal, i’m wrong all of the time, i’m just tyring to survive and make this work, lots of great british baking show every act of self care feels like a spit in the face of those who have less and I can’t help them. I’m paralyzed and don’t know how to take action, everything is too hard which is another spit in the face of those who need help. It make me recede into escapism because I can’t possibly deal with the reality of a global epidemic and climate emergency and I try to be eco friendly but live in a country where it’s set up specifically to make that too difficult to take on. I want to cry celebrating the presidency of a rapist and a woman of color who endorses that rapist because its so much better but everything i’m seeing from people I trust say to not do that because that kind f leniency in the first place is what keeps placid neutral politicians as ‘’’’’’progressives’’’’’

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i’m just a bitch with mommy issues don’t look at me

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

how powerful i could have been if i’d been raised without fear of: self, God, others, being wrong, looking stupid. how powerful I could have been if i had the chance to: fail and become better at things without the persecution of my internal monologue

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

my project manager is canadian, he’s such a sweet guy and I really enjoy working with him. Sometimes I’ll ask for permission to do things and he’ll give me an incredulous look because he’s told me: if it’s not illegal or dangerous, just do it. But he doesn’t know how long i’ve been conditioned to do otherwise. he doesn’t know how long i’ve tiptoed around others and never exerted authority directly and i can’t explain that to him, i can’t explained how fucked my life has been. being there feels like gaslighting, but positive. I’m sitting there wondering if all the reinforcement to never be sure or direct or to tell people they’re wrong was just imagined or not. It’s not like i’m interacting with more than 10 people any more anyway. am I just fucking stupid and make that shit up myself? with how self sabotaging i am i wouldn’t be surprised 

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

covid hits and i’ve lost my job twice in a year, once to a man who has children my age who scurries out of the room to avoid looking me in the eye while the office manager lays me off. My second job that year is everything I wanted, leadership, technical learning and machining and manufacturing and a pursuit of maybe something better? ruined by a misogynist of a boss, what’s worse is how utterly fucking stupid he was. I lose my job because a man couldn’t budget correctly for more than 5 months. The first time felt like a disaster strike, the second feels like I’m the butt of some sadistic cosmic joke. both times I wished I’d screamed at them I’m at my third job of the year and I’m likely being underpaid but I’m told it’s the national average but massachusetts is more expensive than the national average. i hate starting new jobs. Nothing feels fucking real. everything feels like a cosmic joke and i’m going to lose it. I’m going to lose my fucking mind and i’m going to lose my fucking job and I’m going to die. No one at works seems to notice (not that they should my emotional wellbeing is not their job and they’re lovely people) that i’m made of glass and I feel like i could shatter at any second but at the same time i want to scream at them to fucking try me I am so tired of all of this bullshit

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i get out of school, I start a job i hate a week into it. regardless i’m starting to heal, I’m starting to lay aside the hurts from being in a state of crisis for 6 years. I’m starting to get into a pattern, seeing friends, establishing who i am as an individual and not a victim, i’m finally understanding what sex and pleasure feels like and getting past the ideas that I’m undeserving of those things. I’m going to church, jesus i miss going to church. I miss the hymnals and the elder women who are so kind they could make me cry. I miss waking up a bit sleepy and driving down to brookline and getting to sit quietly in the presence of God as i inhale the golden light prayers of the lovely people around me who also just wish the world were better for the people in it and are taking the time to make that happen

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

for 6 years of school i felt numb and as if in purgatory: the constant cycle of being shown how ignorant i am and the constant self-emotional sacrifices to understand the new informaiton I was being given but it kept getting worse and worse and i felt like i was going to die. I felt like i wasn’t going to make it because I knew the end was just around the corner, just around the corner, just around the corner, just around the corner and fuck i want to puke

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i went through the shitty part, i cut the toxic people out of my life, i’m dealing with the reality of living life as a young married woman figuring out how to life and serve my husband who I love with my whole heart and balance that with the knowledge that my entire life I will be expected, by others any myself, to be a caregiver and i hate it when i am a caregiver and i hate it when i’m not my husbamd tries to serve and care for me in every measure that i serve & care for him but i don’t know how to fucking accept it bevcause i’m an internalized misogynistic bitch

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i just want to work with only women; people who accept i’m fucking dumb 90% of the time and give me the information instead of dangling clues at the ends of fishing poles for me to latch onto and decipher. jesus fuck i’m so fucking tired of being tested by men around me let me be fucking mediocre for once in my life i don’t have enough soul to shine through my **tough exterior** to show you i’m motivated and going somewhere in my life please stop fucking expecting greatness of me i just want to go home and sleep

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

i want to fucking die jesus christ. I was stuck in school in a shitty situation for ?? six years?? i felt my soul erode away with every little bit of myself that i sacrificed because i thought it was right. i regret none of it, well maybe crying so much for no reason, but it was for a reason ya know??? i just wished i wasn’t as scared of learning and of being wrong and i wish i hadn’t been ridiculed by so many men intentionally or unintentionally

[ohuksflkjasdlkjd]

Hi it’s been like 5 years since i used this platform and in case anyone is still looking I’m about to scream into the void but I’m fine, I’m not going to do anything dumb and I’m well supported by those around me

[carlburton]

[rowansugar]

ah how ive missed this grumpy boy

[sinnamonscouture]