wish i was on a spaceship

malcolm corcoran (he/they). hey there demons. it's me, your boy* * results may vary.

[jamieschue]

Look, I shouldn't have to be so busy the day after Thanksgiving, but apparently people don't know the safe types of foods to give their pets. Do you know how many sick dogs I've had to deal with today? Foreign objects? Edibles? ... Alcohol? Are you guys okay? Just so you know, your animals can't have alcohol or edibles. I didn't feel like that needed to be said, but I'm proven wrong pretty much every holiday. I trust that everyone here is smart enough for that, but I needed to air my grievances somewhere.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Wanna take a stab at how many clients texted me on Thanksgiving to ask if I could give their cats a FaceTime reading and figure out if they want red or white wine with dinner? Go ahead, guess. BZZZZZZRT you're wrong, the answer is eleven.

[bethweston]

I'm going to want to revisit that, actually. Have you always been attracted to fish? Or is it just the cartoon aspect? No! I mean, I just really appreciated how comfortable you are with yourself and the costume was absolutely genius. Have you ever considered a career in acting?

[oinkoinkzoomals]

I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to them, but I respect what the cartoon ones have to offer, you know? Take Bruce for example. A big guy like that who’s trying to better himself. He’s not always perfect, he slips up, but he keeps trying because he knows what’s best for the people around him. You can’t not root for it, and conviction is sexy. Appreciate you asking but you don’t want me on a stage. My only acting credit is my 3rd grade holiday pageant when I broke 2 mics and my own elbow. I’m leaving that to the pros.

[steviecorcoran]

no, but why? why can't you just tell me what a beeper is?

[oinkoinkzoomals]

’Cause I refuse to believe you don’t know what it is. They literally reference beeping someone in the Kim Possible theme song. Come on man, don’t make me feel old like this.

[crackerjack100]

Oh well ask a man to a drink first. I'm sure you have some talents of your own I should see first.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Dude, I’ll buy you a drink. I’ll buy you ten drinks if you want, don’t tempt me. I’ve got a ton of talents. For one, I can spiritually commune with cats both on this side of life and on the other. For two, I make a mean gazpacho. Can’t do impressions if my life depended on it though, you’ve got a monopoly on that.

[psutina]

I knew I could count on you. Oh, sounds like Eddie. You're one of the few people he likes.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

It’s literally my job and by george am I good at it. Keep showing up and I’ll have to get you a discount punch card. What can I say, Eddie is a man of taste. I gotta respect my customers.

[sagesylvester]

SAGE: I just get the vibe that you're a malnourished Victorian child, am I wrong?

[oinkoinkzoomals]

MAL: fuck no. those little dudes used blow as cough medicine, i don’t have half that fortitude. they’d rob me blind

[steviecorcoran]

what. the. fuck. is a beeper.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Say sike right now.

[bethweston]

Have you ever considered a career in costume design? That sexy goldfish was a stroke of genius. @oinkoinkzoomals

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Aw shit, you think so? I gotta give credit where credit is due, it came to me in a dream about the dad from Finding Nemo. Bruce the shark was also there, and there was this part in the dentist's office where... you know what, forget about the dentist's office. Tell me more about how genius I am.

[addycorcoran]

ADDY: A gift's a gift, kid. ADDY: Seriously? That's actually pretty dope. Thanks, Mal. We could use a little getaway. ADDY: Are you sure you don't want it? I mean, you in your goldfish form did earn it.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

MAL: calm down grandma MAL: yea no prob. i spent like forty minutes scrolling through my phone thinking who i should invite but then i thought of someone else i'd wanna take and then i thought of someone else and it got real stressful and i had to drink boxed wine in the bathtub to chill out about it. you'll get better use out of it MAL: but feel free to bring it up at thanksgiving so i can assert dominance over all our other siblings and josie's siblings so everyone knows i'm the greatest. shoutout to finding nemo for his hard work

[ejacutastic]

I can’t fucking handle this

[milaholliday]

I’m honestly not surprised you’re as cool as you are, with your mom being literally the coolest person ever. I’ve met her a couple of times in person and like... I couldn’t even get a word out. My mom’s a huge fan too. When she welcomed us into her dressing room, mom and her talked for a while and I just kinda stared like a total fan girl

[oinkoinkzoomals]

My mom's a regular person though, she polishes her Tony awards one trophy at a time just like everyone else. No I'm being humble, my mom is fucking great. Clearly I got all her cool genetics, rip to my sisters and brother but that's just how the cookie crumbles. Your mom could call up my mom any day of the week to go backstage again, she'd do that in a heartbeat.

[crackerjack100]

Now that i can do.

[Sound of Hugh Grant impression]

Ok tat was fun. ill have to add hugh to my list of impressions. Im enjoying this. Always up for a challnege.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

You are the single coolest person I've ever met. Where do I sign up to become the future Mr. Sam Evans?

[eileenxjuly]

awwww, thanks for catching that celestial vibe, it's all about cosmic energy over here! as for the monkeys, well, obviously they're trained for both. they’re like my personal postal service with a flair for adventure. I mean, who wouldn’t want their mail delivered by a monkey in a tiny hat? but of course they’re gonna be respected, loved and taken care of.

they’ll have their own chill lounge, complete with tiny hammocks and organic bananas obviously. they’re going to get paid in extra large bananas, none of that regular banana nonsense. and, like, their job? not even that hard. the whole mail delivery thing is just a gig. their job is literally just to stay fabulous, look cute and have fun. no burnouts on my watch!

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Now that's the kind of live, laugh, love I can get behind. Couple follow up questions. 1.) Are they gonna be allowed to unionize, because we need to make sure they have the authority to advocate for themselves should you decide to become a tyrant boss. And 2.) can I sign up? My dream job is to stay fabulous, look cute, and have fun, I really feel like I would be a good addition to your crew.

[addycorcoran]

ADDY: Really? Dude, that's so sweet of you. You didn't have to do that.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

MAL: don't get too excited, you don't know what it is yet [...] MAL: lmao jk its great. you guys can have my prize for that halloween costume contest. it's a two person overnight stay at some fancy schmancy hotel MAL: this counts as your engagement party gift from me btw

[reaganroll]

Do you have any experience with indoor plumbing??? Because my dishwasher is making these really disturbing noises but I don't want some random plumber dude in my apartment who's going to charge me a fortune to turn a screw or something... anyway you seemed like my best shot at finding someone who knows their shit and might let me pay with my delightful company and a twelve pack @oinkoinkzoomals

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Reagan, be so fucking serious right now. Do I look like a guy who knows how to fix a dishwasher? With these cuticles? I have nightmares about performing skilled labor. Lucky for you, I do know a guy who'll do it for 40 bucks and whatever extra buttons you have lying around.

[mir-iamwilde]

Okay, that's fair. I think the only way to settle this is to play a game, 1 on 1. We'll have to have a completely impartial third party there to judge, and we'll have to be absolutely naked so that we can't hide anything up our sleeves. I don't see another possible way.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

You're so dang smart, wtf. Winner is whoever can sway the third party onto their side fastest.

[privmelissa]

Pomegranate. I have Mango chapstick too, if you want to taste that.

[oinkoinkzoomals]

Omg we're gonna make a fruit smoothie.