Ambitious Writer @oisean00 - Tumblr Blog

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Iba yung saya na yung playlist mo na pinapakinggan mo dati habang nagcocommute, ngayon sa sarili mo ng sasakyan napapakinggan.

I feel nothing but disgust. I’m working the graveyard shift—and mind you, I am actually working. Then there’s him. Unemployed for 16 months. Barely providing. Playing mobile games at 4:00 AM. He gets plenty of sleep and eats more than three meals a day. My only way to process this disgust? Anger. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve started hating him. I feel nothing but resentment and can’t even look him in the face. I want to kick him out, but our daughter loves him so much, and I can’t bear to break her heart—even if it means breaking my own every day by letting things slide. God, I wish I could be free of this.

Tired. I am.

No longer interested. No longer motivated.

I still love that picture. It always makes me smile, and I can remember that day so clearly.

It pains me that I can still remember that day so clearly.

Nakakadalawa ka na

Di ko alam ba't sumulpot ka nanaman sa panaginip ko. Di ko alam kung kailangan mo ba ako, o ikaw ang kailangan ko.

It feels like a betrayal, this choice to build my own family. Why does it weigh so heavily on my heart, this guilt? Each tear feels like a disloyalty as I choose one over the other. This is such a hard place to be. My heart aches for the family I was born into, even as I choose the one I've created. I feel like no one truly sees the depth of this sadness, the pain of this divide, the sacrifices I'm making within myself.

Wouldn't it be great to rewind?

Deserve ko ba 'to? I really believe that I don't. There's so much for me yet I settled for this. But why in the first place I settled? Dahil tanga ako at nagpakatanga. Damn. Such an eye opener. Pero will it be better if it's the other way around? Parang hindi. Guess I am better alone? Pero nandito kaya ako kung nasan ako ngayon kung ako lang mag isa sa buhay? Hindi rin siguro. I created my life but I know it's written already. Idk how things will get better. Pano ba? Ganung cycle nanaman? Sakit na ng ulo ko kakaisip. Potang adulting

So... This is happening.

And we are making it happen.

It excites me more than scaring me.

Damn. Rollercoaster feeling.

I wish I have someone to talk to about this feeling.

I am scared and confused.

I want to talk to someone who will not judge.

I want to hear advice and some clarity why I am feeling this.

But damn, it's so hard to find that someone.

Looking back, I can still remember how I was belittled back then. I only took it lightly but something tells me right now that it's in my long term memory now because I was hurt that time but I just shrugged it off and laughed about it.

"wala ka kasing trabaho kaya nasa akin lang focus mo" it was when I resigned with no back up. I flew to middle east to give my mind a rest with all my worries that time.

"gulat sila sa fashion mo". To be honest, hindi ako mapili talaga sa damit as long as I am comfortahle. And I don't care what others wear. Be it ukay or branded. New or used. That time nasa mall kami and hindi dito sa amin ung mall, I was wearing shorts, slippers, and a blouse. Then sinabi sakin un dahil pinagtitinginan ako ng mga nakakasalubong namin. Tumatak sya sa isip ko na naging conscious ako kapag may tumitingin sakin at pag may nag uusap. Feeling ko may mali palagi sa suot ko kahit komportable ako. Parang kailangan ko iplease lahat makakakita sakin.

"ano ba yang girlfriend mo, napapagmalan daw na buntis dahil ang taba at ang laki ng tyan" I cried hard that time. Akala nung nagsabi I was not around habang nag vc sila but I heard it all. Sobrang sama ng loob ko hahaha! Well I admit I am not in the good shape until now. And they are people pleasers (sorry not sorry) so i don't really fit in. Sila ung fake it til you make it kind of thinking tapos ako walang paki sa iba. But I will never forget that.

These are just some of my worst memories that haunts me kapag nasa sitwasyon nanaman ako na un. I just really want to be myself pero ayun nga, minulat ako ng mga tao sa nakaraan ko na you have to think of what others think about you too. I am still working on myself. So hard to be consistent pero sana magawa ko.

I was asked by the new company who hired me to write a simple introduction about my career history. Then they sent me a sample from one of my colleagues...

Looking at her background, I can't help but be grateful to where I am right now. Their experience is way too far from what I gained and yet, this company trusted me. I just can't believe I am at the mid-senior manager level. I was looking at the organizational chart and I am just 7 heads away to the CEO. Don't get me wrong. I am not a fan of the corporate ladder but in some way, I am here now and I am proud 🥹

onlinecounsellingcollege

When You’re Trying to Figure out your Life Remember …

1. We can’t tell the future; we don’t know what lies ahead. All we can ever do is try to figure out a plan.

2. Your friends and your parents don’t know the future either. Your life is YOURS to live – don’t let them plan your life for you.

3. Enjoy what’s happening now; hang out, and do things with your friends. At least that is reality – so make the most of “now”.

4. Uncertainty and change are a big – normal – part of life. So, learn to become comfortable with “not knowing right now.”

5. Procrastination, although common, can really stop you from succeeding. Just take a step and act – regardless of the way you feel.

6. You need to learn to focus – and ignore all the distractions – for, otherwise, you’ll never really progress or succeed.

7. Life is full of lots of chances – you can usually try again – or try another option - if you mess things up this time.

In few weeks time, RTO na ako.

Moved to a different company in exchange with the WFH setup. Hybrid setup, just enough to keep me sane.

2019 before pandemic, nauna na akong mag WFH dahil buntis ako. Then I gave birth by Feb 2020. I thought after 3 mos, balik na ko sa office but March 2020, nag lock down na. Tuloy tuloy na ang WFH from then on. Nung medyo lumuwag na ang restrictions, nag hybrid rin ung dating company ko pero mas madalas akong WFH. Then I moved to another company ng 2023, WFH ulit then I left just this June 2024.

Some are saying na swerte na nga ako dahil WFH ako. I am really grateful for that opportunity. Pero dumating ako sa point na gusto ko na ulit balikan ung sarili ko after dedicating my life to work + motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter so much and I want to spend time with her. Pero, hindi man alam ng madami, I lost some parts of myself. Yung pagkahilig ko magbasa ng libro, nabawasan to nawala. Yung masiyahin kong side. Kwela, matapang. I lost it. Naging vulnerable ako sa mga bagay bagay. Hindi na ako palabasa ng story ng quests sa mga nilalaro ko. I felt like I should be rushing dahil may anak na ako na naglolook up sakin. I forgot how to live slowly.

Kaya ngayon, I am slowly picking up my old self. Yung good ones lang naman. Tumalikod na ako sa mga bisyo and sana di na ako bumalik lalo pa ngayon may mga bagong tao akong makikilala. Isa rin yun sa mga dahilan ko kung bakit gusto ko mag office ulit. Kahit kasi mga malapit kong kaibigan di ko na nakikita. May kanya kanyang buhay na at hindi ko rin alam kung ano na priorities nila. Atleast ngayon, kahit pano nag ggrow ako as an individual.

We'll see how it goes but I am hoping for the best. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Have you ever felt that you are losing your closest friends? Because I do.

Before it was okay cause when we connect, it feels that there was no gap. But right now, you can feel them drifting away.

I am at my stage that I am looking for constants. Someone who's just there. That you know you can count on. Never thought it's hard to find that someone. I somehow wants to reset and go to a place with no one knows me just to find someone who can be a friend. Or me trying things. Or simply doing the same things I used to do.

Getting older is tough huh.

I miss the old me.

The generous, ma effort, ma long message version of me.

I remember when I was younger, sobrang ma effort ako. I'll greet you on your birthday at 12midnight. I'll post long messages with photos. I'll send long message or write a letter kahit pangit ang sulat ko. I will go extra miles just when someone needs me, I'll be there. Then poof. Not sure if I just grown up or I got tired of not being appreciated. I used to organize meet ups. I used to research pa what activities to do. Where to go. Ensure that everything is there na para wala ng isipin. I lost the urge. And it makes me feel sad kasi gusto kong gumagawa ng effort. Kaya lang wala eh. Parang "what's the point? They can't even do that for you".

Now at my age. Nasa punto ako na okay lang kung mag isa ako or hindi. May kakausap o wala. May mangangamusta or wala. May makakaalala ng birthday ko o wala. I realized it's hard to keep real friends. It's hard to identify who those are. Kasi ako, sobrang ma keep ako ng kaibigan kapag napalapit ako kasi hirap ako makipagkaibigan at mag build ng friendship. Introvert, I am. Pero di ko sinisisi dun. I just became selective rin to the people I will surround myself.

But I still miss my friends. Or maybe I just thought they are but I am just their acquaintance.

Thoughts of practicing magic ring crochet.

I guess I am quite enjoying this phase.

The sense of longingness.

I remember last year, it's almost the same.

Except that, last year was a choice that I'll separate my self.

Then right after, when we saw each other again.

It's like a fire. Burning bright.

It proved me wrong that my feelings were gone.

The desire to be together.

The desire to be touched.

The desire to be loved.

The happiness of being complete.

I still want to go back to those days.

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