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08/12/15, a Wednesday

An update in list form: -got a new pup: Juniper -got a new tattoo: a crab -moving into a big house with a pool & my best friends -in love, I’m pretty sure -school is a thing? -consistently broke -started smoking again/switched brands -need to go back to therapy -lots of harm reduction work -dirty dishes, messy apartment -tired all the time -it’s hot here -dealing with dreams deferred: I’ve always wanted to travel & write, why have I actively built lives that prevent/undervalue that -feeling fortunate, grateful, guilty, & sad all at the same time all the time forever -blue toenail polish all summer long -hanging with babies -reading fiction, watching true crime -doing a poor job at keeping in touch -eating salads

07/06/15, a Monday Something about fate & brains & the universe. Soft feelings, hard deadlines. Impulsive Google searches & a phone that won't work right. Long drives, lightning, laughter, humming. Sunrises through slatted blinds. Hands & mouths. Wine in glass jars. Unspoken plans & blurted trajectories.

k-ui

柴犬ココンさんはTwitterを使っています: “あ、また溶けてる。 http://t.co/CVZOyl9J6l”

07/03/15, a Friday

Got to ride my bike & put some new art on my wall. Ate a kale salad & talked about harm reduction. Made & bottled sun tea. Told a catcaller to "Go fuck a cop." Not in that order. Now I'm wide awake & listening to the new Bully album & waiting for a cute sweetie to cross state lines & show up at my door. I have about $22 to my name, but the rent's been paid & I have some Tofutti Cuties in the freezer, everything feels okay.

Spoiler alert: I'm playing Think and Die Thinking next weekend!! Had a good practice with Tristan, we're in a pretty cool place. It's like we realized that the reason we were able to put up with each other for 6 years as partners is because we're pretty good friends. I feel fortunate that we got to this point, in a relatively organic way.

When I was on the cruise, I painted my toenails with this insane UV-responsive color-changing purple glitter. I love it.

This weekend I'm going to help my mom craft her résumé, go on some pretty drives, & stretch.

I know I'm not the Perfect Communicator, but I do feel like I've gotten better through recent years/experiences. & it sucks when I communicate in the way that makes sense to me now: intentionally direct, avoiding manipulative leads, asking for clarification, seeking to be quick & honest...but then I'm met with silence, passive-aggressiveness, or otherwise indirect responses. It's so easy for me to switch back into old/comfortable communication habits when that happens, it's so easy to assume the worst & fear confrontation/abandonment, it's so easy to lie, it's so easy to feel guilty. I guess maybe getting through those parts is part of the work I have to do, & it's hard. But I'm practicing. Fewer exclamation points, more explanations.

06/29/15, a Monday I haven't been on here lately, but you already knew that. There's a chance that I'll post a photologue of the past several weeks: Asheville, NC for NCHRC's Southern Harm Reduction & Drug Policy Conference, Seattle & Alaska with family, LA for fun. But you know I probably won't. Maybe. I'm back in Phoenix now, with clouds & lightning & 109 degrees. Whitney is asleep in my bed, Quark is next to her on a bookshelf. I'm flat broke & I have the sniffles. I woke up early in LA in a small room with a sweet goob. The drive was quick & easy, my tape deck stopped working but I got ahold of an FM transmitter that works well for long hauls. Tomorrow I get back to work; answering planned phone calls & replying to lengthy emails, meeting with strangers & kids, sighing through to-do lists. I'm ready, I think. I read two books on the boat. I burned my tongue eating vegetarian dim sum in Pasadena last night. I should be more worried than I am. Not about my tongue, about everything else in the world.

06/18/15, a Thursday Sitting (gratefully) alone at a hotel bar in downtown Seattle. Spent three dreamy days in Los Angeles, woke up there this morning & caught my flight just in time. Tomorrow I'm getting on a giant boat and cruising around Alaska for a week with a bunch of family. I'm happy with the decisions I've made recently. I feel good about how I spend my time, who I spend it with. Haley got a big ol' grant, so it looks like we'll be able to justify sinking tons of time into harm reduction stuff. Stoked.

06/13/15, a Saturday Tonight I made my improv debut telling stories about breakfast, the time my stepdad killed our cat, & having a crush on Rance Okano in 5th grade. Then I ate sweet potato fries & danced to the same hip-hop I rollerskated to in 6th grade. My life is really weird right now, but in this really great & liberating way. Like, I might not know where I'll be or what I'll be doing next Tuesday, but it's okay because I'm sure I'll be doing something that's fun, important, meaningful, or something. When I told my mom that I got my dad to fly me out of LAX so that I could see a nice person she gave me the cutest thumbs up. I think my mom might be one of the most kind, loving, & supportive people I know. I hope that one day I get to be in a place where I can reflect that back onto her. I cleaned out my car today & didn't throw away any of the weird toys left in it by the twins. Things are okay, I think, I guess.

06/12/15, a Friday Opting to stay in when every friend is celebrating blocks away. "Opting" probably isn't the right word when the decision is formed out of discomfort & anxiety. I don't feel very strong right now. I got to talk on the phone with a person who's really nice to me & go to Cornish Pasty with my mom though, those are good, comforting things. Maybe it's the onset of triple-digit days that's making me feel this way, or the fact that I haven't spent much time at home lately. Tomorrow night I'm monologuing at an improv event, haha. Hope this funk lifts before then.

househunting

$189500 / 4br

North Bend, OR

okayerin

O M G

but what are the winters like

Ok, so at the conference I: -made some really tight buds -designed & helped make some stick-n-pokes of narcan bottles -had friends sing me Happy Birthday so we could get free shots -paneled & attended panels on injection, Indiana, sex work, families, stigmatized populations, & overdose -swam in 3 different pools -watched SVU at a resort -talked about my work -felt inspired by the work of others -had a really great smoothie -connected, hard -spent waaaay too much money -got a sick tank top -slept on a pull-out -felt really, really good

06/09/15, a Tuesday This is the post where I mention that I went to the Southern Harm Reduction and Drug Policy Conference & say that I'll write more about it later. Feeling hella inspired & ready to just fuckin do the dang thing.

Asheville is beautiful. I'm so into flossing right now.

06/05/15, a Friday: A cold quesadilla is still a quesadilla.

06/04/15, a Thursday Up early & been going going going the whole time. Thought about how much time/energy I spend doing things for others. I don't feel negatively about it, but I do need to practice setting/voicing boundaries. Had a really nice phone convo with a really nice person. Wasn't the most patient nanny. ("I need you to stop licking your sister. I'm not in a very good mood.") Made it to 10 harm reduction meet-ups. Flossed for the fourth day in a row. I think that might be some sort of Guinness record. Started the day with a sweet tea & did a poor job of feeding myself. I'm flying to Asheville with Haley early Saturday morning, excited & anxious. Gotta wake up early to get some business cards designed & printed in time. What a boring post. I think I thought I had more to write about.

I really, really love the work that I get to do & the people I get to spend time with.

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