OKAY WELL FINE

[okaywellfine]

[okaywellfine]

I’m spending a weekend with my parents in the suburbs. It took me two hours to fall asleep because of the stillness. Today, if sunlight streaming through trees were a sound, it would be deafening. 

My parents enjoy a life of pleasant prosperity, of enjoyable chores. My mother greets the Roomba with a cheerful “hello there!” By comparison, I feel muddied by petty personal dramas and money woes, all stress and melancholy. I’ve never vacuumed my apartment.

I live in New York, but eventually I want a nice life. For years these statements have felt incompatible. I can’t take the trappings of suburban life home to Brooklyn. If I got wind chimes, the neighbors would complain. 

[okaywellfine]

Villette, Charlotte Bronte

“All at once my position rose on me like a ghost. Anomalous, desolate, almost blank of hope it stood. What was I doing here alone in great London? What should I do on the morrow? What prospects had I in life? What friends had I on earth? Whence did I come? Whither should I go? What should I do? I wet the pillow, my arms, and my hair, with rushing tears. A dark interval of most bitter thought followed this burst; but I did not regret the step taken, nor wish to retract it. A strong, vague persuasion that it was better to go forward than backward, and that I could go forward—that a way, however narrow and difficult, would in time open—predominated over other feelings.”

[antigonick]

I believe that this life is not all; neither the beginning nor the end. I believe while I tremble; I trust while I weep.

Charlotte Brontë, Villette (via antigonick)

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Sous le Soleil de Satan (Maurice Pialat, 1987)

[okaywellfine]

Summer look

[okaywellfine]

What, on this day that I've not said a word to anyone and have not been touched by anyone, humanized me:

Waking up with the sunshine, flat on my back, my comforter a stern lead blanket. I'm always awed when I wake up this way, hands folded politely on my stomach and my feet crossed, since I can only fall asleep rudely akimbo. Is my sleep so morally corrective?

I did not oversleep, I had no hangover. Surprising, after a night of six beers, laughing too loud and making fatuous conversation with people I don't know well and am afraid to know better.

Made distant contact with something/someone that might be my future.

Easy sleep, naked in clean sheets, after coming and coming, and managing to wake up while it was still daylight. 

Opening Night. It's my kraut sensibilities that intensify any emotional displays into events of complete devastation. If I'm hugged for too long, I cry.