On being an alpha submissive
Alternatively, Why I Don’t Buy Into Your “A Real Man Does X” Statements
Lately I have run into more and more women who remind me very much of … well, me. We’ve been talking, and I’ve been thinking, and well … [sigh]. Here she goes again, guys. ::eyeroll::
These are intelligent, articulate, funny, sexy women. Prideful. Capable. Smart. Strong. Badass. And yeah, I’m all those things.
Somebody I know teases me mercilessly about the ‘powerhouse’ that I claim in my blog blurb, but darlin’, you know it’s true. I bring it all to the table, every last bit of it. It’s what makes me the person that I am. Lately I’ve noticed that somehow having a strong character, having a larger personality, has come to be seen as … a negative, which I find really amusing, since the list of expectations of women is nothing short of superhuman. Being a big personality somehow equates to less than submissive. To which I reply with a raised eyebrow, “Oh? Really? You wanna talk about all the things I’m supposed to be, and discuss how that fits in with your idea of submission, as well?”
To wit: Earn a wage, a big one. Be smart. Be kind. Be attentive. Raise well-behaved children. Schedule them endlessly. Perform. Is your hair shiny and does it have bounce? Fundraise. Work out. Show your tits. Be stylish. Be on the sidelines of every game. For the love of god wax. Garden. Don’t ruin your manicure. Suck his dick. Advocate. Look good in yoga pants. Impress your peers. Have big tits. Keep a spotless home. Tend your eyebrows. Care for your aging parents. Drive a nice car, keep it trash-free. Own many pairs of yoga pants. Help with homework. Swallow. Be an excellent cook. Bake. Avoid stretch marks. Teach Sunday school. Smile. Be a good friend. Have bigger tits. Avoid carbs. Get a Master’s for heaven’s sake, don’t let your brain languish. How are your tits? Be funny. Throw good parties. Read the right magazines. Be informed. More yoga pants. It goes on.
Try learning to do all of that and not develop a hard case. Try learning to do all of that and somehow not be big in the world.
What concerns me is how we view each other; men v women, women v women, submissives v dominants. That, somehow, the way that I go about being me is inherently supposed to be proof that you being you is … well, wrong? That there are measures, standards, and if we fall outside them we lose our identities? No. No no no. General guidelines? Sure. I buy that. The rest of it? Not so much.
I want to talk about how I am with you, sure I do. I want to talk about how we might fit, or not, as the case may be. But please let’s discuss, without implied judgments.
How we are in the world and how we are at home can be carbon copies, or it can be night and day, or any value of grey in between. My submission lands in the middle of life, at home, every day, in my doing for Him, and is bookended by my brain and my mental weaponry. Plus, you know, lotsa kinky sex. Yours may seek a large measure of life framework, protocol and theatre. Hers might only involve corsetry and the making of nasty videos. Another’s might only emanate from her phone and exist inside her mind. And none ~ none of it ~ is inherently wrong or less than.
By way of feedback in conversation, I have been told that I am a switch in denial, that I am not submissive but just playing at it, that I don’t understand submission generally, that I have a terrible attitude and if I don’t change my ways then I’ll be unpartnered forever, etc., etc. Such insightful assessment and characterization, for free, even! Also? Such bullshit.
Personally, I need him to see me. To recognize all that I am and all that I have at my disposal. For heaven’s sake not offend me by being intimidated by it, but seeing where the ends are, where I’m starting to unravel, to stop me because I am the biggest, loudest, most powerful locomotive, and somebody has got to be able to stop this thing, please. I’m too busy, doing.
Is it any wonder that I want to put all of that down? Is it any wonder I want to rest? Is it any wonder I long for someone else to be doing, so I can try being?
If my dom has a strong character, I can be brought back in line by a simple look or phrase. If I push too far and he decides punishment is in order then I expect him to stand by it, not negotiate or back down because I’m suddenly sorry. I know my place, I just need to be kept in it, in the face of genuine remorse or not. I need the edges. I need him to set them. I don’t need him to be doing it whilst sporting a black suit and having a flogger in his left hand.
My submission? Is when I can rest. I can’t rest without it. I need to be small. I need to be powerless.
My need is no less appropriate than anyone else’s, sharp wit notwithstanding. My win doesn’t necessitate your loss. My submission does not define anyone’s submission but my own.
This submissive doesn’t buy anything that starts with “A Real Sub Does X”. I don’t think a dom ought to have to, either.
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