how good the Austen men would be in bed
okay itās Eleanor @queerandgrumpyās fault that Iāve given this so much consideration but itās time for official scores
Edward Ferrars
okay so heād be gentle and sweet and would stroke your face a lot, but sense without sensibility only gets you so far, you know? Edward is the guy you can take home to meet your mum but you donāt feel any particular compulsion to take him to bed. thereād be no passion, and heād also have no idea what he was doing, but heād be very nice about it which it why I moved him up from my original 2/10 to a:
3/10
Colonel Brandon
heās got the brooding and the passion, as well as the intense longing, but on the other hand, heās on the older side, and not in a sexy way, and heās so scrupulously moral in a really straightforward way that he probably wouldnāt do anything, well, particularly interesting
5/10
Willoughby (just looked it up and his first name is John?? I refuse to accept that, it never even occurred to me that he would have a first name)
okay so Willoughby is everything Brandon isnāt, sure, thatās the point, and heād think he was fantastic, but heās that guy who does no foreplay, finishes after five minutes, falls asleep immediately, and then smirks at you later like he thinks he gave you a really good time
2/10
Fitzwilliam Darcy
okay hereās the thing, Darcy would be really good, but only once. so much repression, so much longing, the single best night of your life, but after that he goes back to being shy and awkward and also he feels really weird about what you did together and it makes him even more awkward than before (yes, even if you marry him)
7/10
Charles Bingley
oh god can you even imagine? thereās nothing hot about that level of earnestness. he has no idea what heās doing and neither do you if you even consider going to bed with him
2/10
George Wickham
heās got a bit more game than Willoughby but you can tell how little he respects you and it makes you feel dirty. heās also probably into some weird shit and gets all defensive and strange if you donāt feel like indulging it
3/10
Mr Collins
I refuse to even picture this
0/10
Colonel Fitzwilliam
heās reasonably attractive, heās nice, heās considerate, he knows what heās doing, he doesnāt really want to get involved but he still cuddles you and gets you breakfast in the morning
6/10
Edmund Bertram
look, heās just not hot. itās impossible to be that into him unless youāre Fanny Price, and youāre not. also you can kind of sense that heās projected this idealised version of you onto you and itās weird. all of itās weird. you tell your best friend about it and she asks how it was and you sayĀ āit was weirdā
1/10
Henry Crawford
I mean we know heās good, right? heāsĀ āleave your obscenely rich husbandā good. I didnāt want to get too detailed and specific on this post, but Henry Crawford gives you like a solid hour of oral before anything else happens, and he does that every time, not just the first time when heās trying to impress you. but heās such a shit human being that you feel kind of torn a lot of the time, and also you didnāt sign up for a threesome but his ego is a substantial third presence in the room and youāre kind of tired of having to stroke it
8/10
Mr Rushworth
I refuse, and so does Maria
0/10
George Knightley (yes, his name is George, it surprises me every time too)
god, okay, Mr Knightley, heās that older man, the one who only really exists in your fantasies; he knows what he wants, he knows what you want, heās not even doing the whole repressed longing thing for most of his life, it just genuinely doesnāt bother him that heās not banging anyone and he only wants to do that with someone he cares about, so if he takes you to bed he really, really cares about you and he wants to make this good for you, he wants to make this so good for you and heās going to make sure he does as though your sexual satisfaction is the single greatest goal of his life
10/10
Frank Churchill
he should be good, right? you thought he was going to be so good, and you canāt even put your finger on anything specific that wasnāt good, but man, it wasnāt good. I mean it wasnāt bad, either, it was justā¦ really, really average. but it seems worse than average because you had big expectations
5/10
Elton (his first name is Philip? I never knew this until now and I refuse to acknowledge it)
I also refuse to acknowledge that Elton and sex could have anything to do with each other
0/10
John Knightley
I know, no one else has thought about this, no one else cares, this one is just for me. John Knightley, the lesser known Knightley, heās that guy who would be kind of hot if he only dressed better and wasnāt such a dick, youāve never really talked to him but then at a party you end up sitting together and you realise that you hate all the same people and at some point you end up making out in a corner and then sneaking into a bedroom and just going for it and itās not the greatest thing ever but itās better than that shit party youāre at and he makes you laugh a lot while itās happening and you never really hang out again but sometimes he catches your eye and winks at you
8/10
Henry Tilney
okay so he may be a clergyman but this guy knows things, heās read some scandalous novels, and has a scandalous older brother who probably never shuts up about his exploits: Henry Tilney knows things. how good would he be in application though? everything he does will be pretty okay, but heās not hot enough or suave enough to make it really amazing. heās definitely a good time AND heās a guy you can take home to your mum, but he lacks that extra level of sex appeal that you get from someone like George Knightley or Henry Crawford
7/10
John Thorpe
fuck that guy. by which I mean, do not, under any circumstances, fuck that guy
0/10
Frederick Tilney
okay so heās hot, and he probably knows a thing or two, but heās too fundamentally selfish to care. he is entirely focused on his own pleasure, and he even knows that he could make it better for you, he just doesnāt give a shit. but like, he kind of makes you feel like youāre into that?
3/10
William Elliot
you have an advantage over Anne Elliot here in that heās not your cousin, but like with Anne heās still totally just using you. heās real charming though, and this boy has gotten around and knows exactly what heās doing. heād be a really good time if you couldnāt tell he was already figuring out who he wants to sleep with after you
6/10
Captain Frederick Wentworth
jesus, okay, here we go, I just got all flustered just thinking about this. youāve never seen so much repressed longing in one place and it doesnāt even matter if youāre not the one heās longing for, heās still going to pour so much pent up angst and lust into every movement that heāll be the best thing youāve ever had. heās considerate and sensitive too though, he looks at you the whole time, directly at you, and holds your face in his hands when he kisses you, and he directs you so, so gently and holds you to him like youāre precious and fragile, even when heās throwing everything into it in a way that leaves you literally breathless. you feel things you didnāt know could be felt, emotionally and physically. you think itās over and he smiles knowingly at you and saysĀ āready to go again?ā when youāre falling asleep he pulls you closer to him and whispers that youāre beautiful. youāve never felt as safe as you do in his arms, and even though youāre exhausted now you know youāre going to do it all over again in the morning and probably into the afternoon
I canāt even give him a numerical score, whatever scoring system youāre using heās better than the highest possible score
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