a bittersweet smile played upon haeun’s lips. i’m not even tired. that was such a leader-like thing to say. something a leader would say to comfort their comrades. but how can jisoo not be tired? didn’t she work ten times harder than the other members? didn’t she have to deal with the company more than the other girls do? she was their representative after all, the person the company would call to relay information to the girls. the sacrifices jisoo made for the team was an admirable one and it just made haeun feel a tad bit selfish. she was too concerned with herself that she didn’t even take the time to turn to her older sister, look into her eyes, and ask… are you okay?
the way jisoo had been so willing to listen to the girls, to be a source of strength for the team, reminded haeun of her little sister. to haeun, jieun was everything––her strength, her confidence, her love. haeun could always confide everything in jieun and jieun would just take it all in. take in all the complaints, take in all the tears, take in all the heartbreaks. no wonder haeun had a hard time when she first arrived in korea. separating herself from jieun was like severing her ties to earth. sure, haeun could still call jieun, but crying over the phone and crying in her sister’s arms were two entirely different things. thankfully, the other bee girls––jisoo in particular––could fill in the role and the gap in haeun’s heart.
“unnie,” haeun began. her voice was rather weak and her heart was beating in her chest. she was formulating the words in her mind, finding a way to word the question so that jisoo couldn’t just say a hollow ‘i’m fine’. “if you want to talk about anything… you know you can talk to me, right?” she tugged and smoothed the soft knots and fringes of the carpet. “i know how hard it must be to just listen to us, but if you want to talk… i’ll listen to you. that is, if you want somebody to listen. i don’t mind really,” she rambled on before cutting herself, waiting for her leader’s reaction.
haeun laughed again. genuinely laughed for the first time that night. with her head tilted back, teeth barred, and eyes forming crescent moons. “true,” haeun said, once she stopped laughing. “but you have a brother, so i’m sure you’ll do a great job either way with the boys.”
just then haeun made up her mind. she was going to express her gratitude towards the girls whether they like or not. they had done so much to her it was only fair she showed that she cared for them too. and it was about time that they do what girls their age normally do, they were thrust into the business when they were so young… “unnie, i promise that once we get some day off, we’ll go somewhere outside of seoul. go on a campsite or something and just… be normal girls you know?”
Over the years, especially in the past several months since she had been given the title of leader of their little group, Jisoo had become somewhat of an expert at deflecting things from herself. She didn’t want to talk about herself or how many struggles she was having, because it made it harder for her to deal with things. She was the queen of repressing and suppressing everything, so that she wouldn’t have to face it. If she was tired, she would take on more tasks so she wouldn’t have the time to think about how tired she was. If she was hungry, she would dance harder and drink more water. If she was frustrated, she would take out her frustrations on her training.
That probably wasn’t the healthiest way for her to deal with things, but it sure as hell was the easiest way for her to deal with things. She was more than okay with people being open with her, coming to her so they could get advice on things, or even just so they could vent to her, but going to other people and doing the same thing? She could never do that. She could never allow herself to be so vulnerable with someone else. It was ironic, and slightly hypocritical, but could you blame her? She was the caretaker, not someone who needed to be taken care of. Or at least that wasn’t how she saw herself.
So when Haeun began prodding at her, goading her and asking her if she needed to talk to her, Jisoo just smiled and shook her head once more. She knew that the younger girl knew how tired and worn out she was, but there was no way in hell she would be verbalizing that. She was strong, she could power through it. She had done it for that long, so she would continue to do so.
“Stop worrying about me, Haeun.” Her tone was light and airy as she waved her hand dismissively, trying to move past the subject at hand. “I’m fine, I promise I am. You’ll be the first person I come to if I ever decide that I want to talk, okay? Cross my heart.” She made the childish motion of drawing an ‘x’ on her chest, right over where her heart would be. “Thank you for the offer though, I really appreciate it.” And she did, maybe even more than Haeun could even realize that she did.
“Okay, that’s dealing with one boy, compared to having to deal with anywhere from three to six more. See how big of a difference that is?” She didn’t know how male leaders did it, having to deal with all those guys under one roof. She knew that boys could get a little rowdy from time to time, so it wouldn’t be surprising to her if arguments tended to break out more often than with the girls. Although, granted, girls could get catty and argumentative too. She knew that from experience. “Campsite? I’ll have to pass on that.. I’m a city girl, Haeun. I don’t do the wilderness. How about we go to Busan?”
