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@olmanglitter
Disclose, then wait...
Sometimes you have to wait for the response
Disclosure doesn't always meet with success or failure. Sometimes they need to take their time to assess more of you to put it in context. Not easy to wait, but there are many factors in good relationships.
And, if rejection (or acceptance) comes, recognize that H is just one part if the equation.
Pass this on Tumblr
This is actually pretty important
very important information
This needs to be seen more. Rape needs to flat out stop, but until then victims need to know there’s support for them.
I should’ve done this . Nobody told me this was an option . Fuck …
Because this should be posted on any blog/site discussing sex (or at least healthy sex).
Cool Down Coconut Glitter Stick.
Beware: You’re going to want to kiss me more than you already do now.
Here is what you need.
Coconut oil
small Jar
Tea tree oil
spoon
freezer
You’re going to spoon the coconut oil in the small jar, then microwave it for 20 seconds. When the oil melts, add 4 drops of tea tree oil.
After it’s mixed up throw it in the freezer for a hour or so.
After it freezes you should be able to take the coconut oil out
Like so,
And you can apply generously to your glitter attack.
This is like a coconut oil/ ice pack combo. It will feel soothing as fuck, and the tea tree oil will help cut down your breakout time.
(be sure to put it back in the freezer when you’re done)
This is great for
Breakouts
After shaving
After vigorous sex
During vigorous sex
and It’s also great for sunburns
Taking you pussy from drab to fab in no time.
Let me know how you like it!
xoxo,
g.s
This works well according to quite a few women (probably guys too, just haven't had an outbreak in a couple years--yes, this happens for most after enough time--to test it). Give it a go. If it doesn't, not much lost. I'd add a couple drops of calendula to this mixture, as that's been shown to help with healing skin.
Some Thoughts on the Usher Story
Confession: I don't listen to or like Usher, nor do I care much about celebrities or what they do. So the story of Usher being sued for transmitting herpes through unprotected sex without disclosing is on my various social media feeds, as well as some of the stigma-laden jokes, misinformation, and some very upset people struggling with their own new diagnosis because of the jokes and misinformation. So, I thought I'd address some of these in hope that it may help someone. I'll preface all of this by saying two things: (1) knowingly not disclosing is wrong & undermines consent; and (2) unprotected sex puts both people at risk. Problem #1: there are people saying that knowingly exposing another to an STI puts you at risk of breaking the law. OK, I'm not a lawyer, but... Laws differ from state to state, so even if there may be a statute in one or a few states that are worded like this, the norm is that such acts are a tort, or civil wrong rather than a crime. That means you can be sued. Now if two consenting adults have sex after everyone discloses their status regarding STIs, and someone catches a disclosed STI, there is no tort. It was an assumed risk. So disclosure is key. That said, there are steps you can take to reduce the risk with herpes (suppressive treatment with one of the herpes antiviral meds cuts transmission risk about in half over a year of regular sex from the 8-10% range, and condoms cut it almost in half on top of that if both are used). Problem #2: those people who are shaming those with herpes because they think they have not gotten it and aren't putting their sex partners at risk are likely deluding themselves and a potentially greater risk than those who know they have have & are responsible about it. They may claim that they've been tested and are "clean," but unless you specifically request it, doctors & clinics don't include either herpes virus in the tests per guidance from the CDC. So these folks don't know their herpes status. And studies have shown that 2/3 of those with HSV2 (the one most likely to be genital) didn't know they had it, and have been unwittingly exposing their partners (even if they use condoms, which only cut risk about half with HSV). Further, 80% of the population carries and can pass HSV1, including to a partner's genitals through oral sex. It is more common for women to catch genital HSV1 than men this way, but both get it, and there are a lot of people who now have gHSV1 thanks to their supposedly "clean" partner going down on them when they were asymptomatically shedding the virus, or had cold sores but were poorly educated about STIs. Problem #3: I've seen a number of posts as a result of the Usher story & the crap being circulated as a result from people thinking they will never be able to date, or even contemplating suicide. Folks, this is a skin condition. Let's keep it in it's proper context. This is not cancer (nor does it cause cancer, unlike the much more common STI that usually isn't tested for that people are unwittingly passing around: hpv or genital warts) or some serious illness that threatens your health, your ability to function, or your life. There are plenty of us who have had many partners, marriages, fuck buddies, and what not who accepted our HSV status when disclosed. Being informed, calm, and confident helps with that. Further, there are lots of others out there who date within the ranks of those who know they have HSV. This seems to be unnecessarily limiting, especially given what I said in problem #2 & about HPV in the previous paragraph). If you are struggling with your diagnosis, please find a mental health counselor to help you work through this. If you are seriously considering suicide call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-TALK), or if you think you are in imminent danger of attempting, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911. Believe it or not, this will seem less serious in the year to come, there are people who love you & will be hurt be your loss, and you will have dating success again when you're ready emotionally. For those saying things they think are funny or are smugly shamming or perpetuating the stigma, please stop. You are likely deluding yourself about your not being in a similar boat, are likely to be in a similar boat some day if you aren't, and you're doing real harm and inflicting pain on people who aren't harming you.
If someone tells you...
That you are disgusting, or filthy, or a slut, or some variation on that theme, thank them. They just spared you possibly making the mistake of investing yourself or sleeping with someone who is toxic and really doesn't deserve a second more of your time and interest (& certainly not the joys of sex with you) than you've already sunk down that hole. Disclosure can expose a bit of the other person that they will show you sooner or later. Better sooner!
When to disclose
This is one of the most common questions in support groups & on online support groups: when is the best time to disclose? Or some variation on that theme.
I’ve disclosed on the first date, the second, the third, before the first, between dates, and even really liked someone and intended to disclose but never got the chance because they ghosted or met someone else or just didn’t feel “it.” I’ve disclosed over dinner, over drinks, over the phone, via messaging on a dating app, when things were already hot and heavy but clothes hadn’t been shed yet. You know what? They all work. In other words there is no rule other than before you get intimate.
It all depends on how things feel between me and the other person. Via messaging was sort of weird, but travel was involved & serious text flirting was involved (that was a me too). Via phone was similar: lots of talk & thinking about a trip (we had met in person before we started talking). Not having non-verbal cues adds to the awkwardness, but there can be times where it makes sense to just get it out there before a meeting.
Most of us have too few disclosures to do any kind of systematic analysis of responses by when or how. All we have is our gut intuition about when is the right time. I err on the early side, as I’m pretty confident about conveying that this isn’t really that big a deal and that it will be received well. I haven’t had any bad reactions. Sure, there have been a few rejections, but only a few.
A lot depends on the trajectory vibe. Are cues that there is intense interest coming at me & I’m feeling some intense interest in something (a possible relationship or getting physical), then I just get it out. If the things seem to be unfolding at a more leisurely pace, then I hold off.
I’ve also heard from or read about quite a few who disclosed in their online dating profile. That seemed to work well for them. It depends how comfortable you are with the info getting out there, and how populous an area you are in. I personally don’t care that much, but this is not really a big part of who I am & I don’t want it to be a highlight until we get to know each other.
So, the answer is there is no right answer, and most of us who have had the glitter for long enough go by feel on a case-by-case basis. The only tips I can share is (1) know your info to be confident that you can answer questions; and (2) when you get that “maybe I should think about disclosing” thought pop into your head, unless the setting is really bad (your in a crowd of friends or at someone you like’s wedding & don’t want a scene to distract from it, etc), just plunge ahead and do it before you think about it. Seriously, just jump in with both feet when you get that thought. You’ll deliver the message more naturally and with a more matter of fact tone. Start going back and forth analyzing it and you’ll mess up your disclosure mojo with thinking about all the possible negatives, most of which will never happen.
So, before sex, do your homework so you can answer questions with calm confidence, and go for it when the thought pops into your head immediately.
The porn sites who follow you 😠
I don't post often, but one thing most or all of us who post even sporadically get is spam followers. You get a notice that someone is following you. Often their user name gives it away as porn spam. Other times, you click & boom there it is. And there it is means women slavishly satisfying disembodied penises. I'm a guy. I get how much we love our BFFs. But just once, can I see a guy slavishly satisfying a woman? I mean, I'm a very heterosexual cis-gendered guy (whether that's nature or socialization, it's how I fly). Someone else's dick, meh. Seeing a woman (genuinely goes without saying, but we're talking porn so points for even trying to depict this) take pleasure.... OMG, that's hot. So why does porn spam always resort to dicks being serviced by women? I want to say that they just don't get heterosexual male sexuality. Partly, I think that's true, but only because so many men have been socialized for so long by porn and society to not be genuinely sexual beings. Maybe, I've just reached that one porn spam follower too many. Maybe I'm just frustrated that I'm being teased with something I sort of want (I certainly enjoy receiving oral sex and cumming, don't get me wrong), but then again in a way that denies the fullness of what I want, which is real intimacy and hot sex. These aren't hot. They are frustrating reminders of how fucked up our culture is when it comes to relationships, sex, love, and true intimacy. /rant
Fear is not consent
I WILL REBLOG THIS FOREVER. F O R E V E R
This! It is fight, flight, or freeze.
Don't Chase the Rabbit Down the Hole!
I'm on several FB groups for heeps. I read about a lot of suffering and struggle. I don't mean to diminish any of it here in what I say. First, if you're new to the glitter, give yourself time. Search for stages of grieving & read up on it. That's what you're going through. Maybe not in the exact order - it's rarely a linear path.
Lean gently in, but also cut yourself a break. This is hard for a lot of people. If you are feeling like you can't handle the pain, look to what has helped you cope in the past that doesn't create additional problems (e.g., drinking or other addictions). Do a bit of volunteering with people in real need (not that your suffering isn't real & legitimate, & deserving of self-compassion). End each day acknowledging your struggles, appreciating what you have to be thankful for (even the seemingly mundane stuff, like I'm grateful I can turn on the shower & get hot water, if that's all you can think of).
Look up cognitive distortions (here's one list: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/ ). Print that bad boy off and get to work examining your thoughts around your new condition. Keep a thought journal, and challenge yourself when you find a distortion. If you are hoping to snag a true love or just a love 'em & leave 'em to fill a hole in your heart or prove you won't be alone, stop! I mean hard stop! Think about it from the other side. Someone is desperate to have you address this huge need, gets very emotional when they disclose, and is sending all sorts of non-verbal cues that they are really struggling and desperate. How would you react? So you've been trying to find that new lover or soulmate to fill that need to prove you're not going to be alone for the rest of your life (see that cognitive distortions list, as this is dripping with them). You are using them. Is this about you truly wanting them, or you using them to plug a hole (double entendre intended)? If you are able to look honestly, you'll see it's almost certainly the latter. I'm not going to say don't chase that rabbit for their sake, although that would be nice of you. Don't for your sake. You're oozing self-doubt, neediness, and that H is a much bigger, scarier deal than it is. Do you really think your self esteem is going to benefit from jumping on that rejection train?
The people I've met over the years who rarely get rejected when they disclose are the ones who don't see H as a big deal and know they are worth it. It's not that the occasional rejection doesn't hurt, but they have enough confidence that they've got a lot more to offer that allows them to move past it. I've met a lot of folks who jump on the rejection train & can't understand how others don't get rejected & they are very insecure and miserable. Would you date that person. So, get off the train & stop trying until you've gotten to the point that you see this as no biggie & you're worth what little risk there is if you are doing your part to protect a lover. Now ask yourself if you are feeling disgusting and are ashamed. If so, you're almost certainly hearing the voices of socialization that tell you sex is sinful and dirty. If you're female, this is usually amplified several times over, but some men are struggling with this. If this is you, this is one of the things you need to wrestle with, and you need to take it head on. Recognize that this is a cultural bias, and not "the truth." Recognize that our culture is prudish compared to many others, and that we are still sexist and misogynistic.
Get help to work through it. Shame is not attractive. This brings me to my final bit of advice: get a therapist/counselor. You don't need to struggle alone. Someone who will not judge you, has training in coping skills, working through socialization struggles & cognitive distortions, and can help you get comfortable talking with another about all this can really help. Look for a mental health counselor, social worker who does mental health counseling, or even a marriage and family therapist. They are trained to be accepting, non-judgmental, and focused on what will help you heal, so they are a very safe person to disclose to (if they react poorly, find another, as that's a bad counselor). Don't chase the rabbit down the hole. Focus on healing yourself and getting comfortable with your new situation first.
You're At A Party
Ever played the Whose Got It? game at a party?
Take the number of people (let’s say 40 - I tend to smaller parties being on in years) x 1/5 (8). That’s how many would likely test positive for genital HSV2.
Now, take that number & multiply by ¾ (6). That’s roughly how many of them don’t know they carry the virus (there have been several studies w/ a range of results, so I’m takin a rough avg.).
Assuming you are one of the 2 who know you have it, who is the other? Do you think he or she is feeling alone, or bearing the stigma too heavily, or afraid to flirt because it might lead to having to disclose? It could be the very person you think is really cute and interesting. It could be the well-adjusted person that is in what seems like a great relationship. It could be the really attractive person of the same sex that you are a bit jealous is getting all the interest (or of the opposite sex if you are drawn to yours).
Does this change how you engage the people around you? And what of all those people who are HSV2 positive & don’t know, and therefore are a much higher risk to their potential partners than you are?
Now remember, that’s just HSV2. Now play the game, but this time 40 x 4/5 = 32 have HSV1. They can transmit that to their partner genitally through oral sex. Not as readily, but still happens a lot. Do you think they are worrying? Do you think they are ashamed? Do you think they are avoiding trying to connect with the person they are attracted too?
You will disclose like the confident, lovable person you are, and do more to protect your partner than many. You are not the damaged freak at this party. You are just as deserving of connection and love as everyone there. You will be more understanding and empathize with others who struggle romantically for whatever reason, because you get it.
Now why are all these negative thoughts, these worries, these doubts racing through your head. Play the game. You still may get rejected - we all do, for any number of reasons. But you can get out of the cognitive distortions that are making you miserable and enjoy yourself. You can give yourself a break and support yourself. You can allow yourself to only worry about all the other 10,000 things that make relationships a challenge, and set the extra crap aside.
How women prepare for first dates
Bonus: How men prepare for first dates:
Accurate.
Okay but the first set of gifs is not a joke like that’s literally how it goes.
One of the girls at work won’t get in the guy’s car unless he agrees to let her take photos of him and his license plate to text to her mother. If he gets mad or makes a fuss she cancels the date and goes back inside.
Reblogging for that 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
I’ve had someone take pics of me and my license plate on a first date before & I was okay with it. I’ve also had a friend allow me to view the tracking on her phone when she went to meet up with a guy the first time. This isn’t a joke at all & women have good reason to worry.
i have only ever met 2 people online, and made sure that we met up somewhere that was 1) public 2) close to my home.
After, I walked to the dollar store that was a couple shops down until I knew they were gone, before walking home.
Louis C.K. kind of nailed it. Men worry that their date won’t measure up to their aesthetic preferences. Women worry that they’re going wind up dead.
The disparity is RIDICULOUS, and the fact that dudes get offended when women try to protect themselves is hard proof that way too many guys Do Not Understand how dangerous it is to be a woman. (Not to mention it’s fucking insulting. “How dare you not trust your life and safety to a complete stranger whose intentions you have no way of knowing”?)
Lookin’ at the notes on this post following my earlier reblog and just going….
Wow. WOW. Look at all these sheltered people and their internalized misogyny.
The point isn’t, “NOT ALL MEN ARE OUT TO GET YOU.”
The point is, “WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING A NICE GUY FROM A SERIAL KILLER.”
It’s not like they fucking wear nametags, okay? Moreover, the most awful people with the worst intentions often put on the nicest face or deliberately make themselves seem harmless and likeable, to lull potential victims into a false sense of security. (Read up on Ted Bundy sometime. It’s horrifying shit. Or read any thread on the “Let’s Not Meet” subreddit.)
In order to protect ourselves, we are forced to assume the worst of every man we meet, because statistically speaking, the biggest danger to women…IS MEN. Saying “not all men are out to get you, you’re just being paranoid” is like saying “not every car you ride in is going to crash, so buckling your seatbealt is stupid.”
When dealing with an unknown situation, in the absence of absolute proof of safety, exercising a little extra caution can be the difference between life and death. Shaming women for being what you may view as overly cautious is every bit as horrid as blaming them if something goes wrong later on.
And refusing to go to a secluded location with a complete stranger without letting someone know where you’re going, who you’re with, and how to find you is just common street sense, whether you’re on a date or just going out for business or social purposes.
If your life has been so sheltered (or your coping skills so incredible) that you see no need to distrust strangers or worry about the potential for violence, you should thank your lucky stars.
And you should also be aware that just because it hasn’t happened to you or anyone you know does not mean that it doesn’t happen.
Lemme say that louder for the people in the back.
Just because it hasn’t happened to you or anyone you know does not mean that it doesn’t happen.
Re-Reblog for relevant commentary.
And if you won’t take a woman’s word for it because you are some kind of asshat, men who sleep with men also mirror these rituals because even men are afraid of other men based on men’s behavior and inability to understand “no” or take rejection well.
I’ll stop reblogging this when it stops being relevant
Alllll of this. Being paranoid will often save your life. Assholes who say otherwise need to shut their noise holes and stop acting like they know better.
Important for men to get that this is the lived experience of women, and they need to be good allies by educating other men, as well as respecting and supporting women they are dating when they take steps to keep themselves safe. Don't protest that you are not one of those guys (that's what they would say anyway) and don't get all offended - this is not about you, so don't make it.
This is an interesting best of the year collection of post over on Medium from people living with various STIs. Mostly HIV & herpes.
Sometimes you wish ...
You meet someone that you actually really interests you. To the point of being excited to get to know them and see where it goes. That doesn't happen often. Hasn't happened in a long time, for me. You start to get that little twinge of anxiety about disclosing. Then they break it off.
And you wish you had gotten the chance to disclose. Really wish.
Remember that the next time you have the twinge of anxiety about disclosing.
Another text disclosure
So, I've been too busy to do much dating, but have kept an eye on a couple dating sites I have profiles on. Recently a woman nearby started messaging me, we hit it off, but neither is at a stage for serious relationship. She started flirting hard & things have progressed to setting up a Netflix & chill type date. I'm cool with that, as it's been a while &.... well, I don't want to live like a monk. So, disclosed via text. Second time in the 9 months I've been single & dating. Didn't phase her, she appreciated my being up front and showing her respect by disclosing, then went right back to flirting - turning it up another notch. Still not used to the brave new world of disclosure via texting, but it is easy, seems to work fine, and even if it didn't, it's before anyone invests too much time, effort, or emotional energy. Still a small sample size, but it does work, even for casual relationships.
Calling his aggression “guys’ talk” is insulting and offensive to me. No man I know talks that way.
I've avoided posting about politics, but this is about the way we treat each other, and basic dignity. If you use people to try to fill up your own insecurities, and use your power to exploit someone else, you aren't engaged in sex play, you aren't engaging in guy talk, and you are not manly. That attitude leads to pain & suffering. It is assault. And there is more than enough pain in betrayed trust, broken relationships, and other challenges of being intimate.
Because even if you haven't in a while, worry nobody will want you, it will happen. Make it count!
