Day 28 - another impromptu therapy session with the wife and marriage counselor. I really donāt know why we do t discuss the plans for our next session out loud. I mean, why do I get told at 11pm that we have a session at X the next morning? Why not a little heads up?
Anyway, I am laying the groundwork that I need to leave, to go be with the woman I love. I feel bad for my wife, but this has been a VERY long time coming. And I truly believe we all need to get busy living the life we were meant for. It only takes honesty.
And that honesty starts with ourselves. For years I was blind to my own wants and needs. I had a family, nice house, good job, no significant issues whatsoever. And it was easy to look in the mirror and acknowledge that many in the world would kill for what I had.
But once my wife and I grew apart, I realized I never really had the life I was meant for. I mean, great kids, that grew up to be decent humans, a wife that was not passionate about me, nor I her, a job that was ok, but kept me tied to it. Not allowing me to use my time off and actually enjoy the fruit of my labors.
And then, at that point, you throw me together a very sexy, like-minded vixen and yep, my life blew up. I blew it up. I was completely dishonest with everyone except her, the girlfriend.
I was dishonest with the wife, the family, but more importantly MYSELF! I told myself and my girlfriend that I wasnāt going to leave my wife. Iād had affairs before and they all ran their course. I had no reason to expect that this one wouldnāt do the same.
But it didnāt, for over 10 years I have been with the girlfriend in one way or another. Yes, we have been separated for periods in that time span, but my heart has only belonged to her. So I am now trying to set things right. To leave the wife in a positive manner, with love and compassion and to go to my girlfriend and live a life of bliss.
But what about honesty? I truly feel weak being completely honest with the girlfriend. I know, it vulnerable, but I feel weak, like less than a man! Like a wimp, a cuck. I really canāt stand it.
But I donāt want to repeat the mistakes of this marriage. I donāt want to have secrets, to not speak my truth. Especially to the woman I professional to love. So I do it. Much to my chagrin. And then my shadow creatures start having a bonfire in my brain.
The creatures tell me sheās not being honest with me! Everything starts to come under suspicion. And I mean everything. It truly is maddening.
But on this day I tried to fight back with logic. For example, she has BEVER, when weāve been together, given me any reason to doubt her. Well, there was this night in Virginia when she spent a half hour in the bathroom with a group of lesbians that had been hitting on her.
Funny thing about that, I truly believe something happened in there, but she claims all they did was ask her if she wanted to leave with them. Really, a half hour and they just asked if you wanted to cut out with them? How did they get there? How did that question arise? And to top it off, once she finally came back, with them, the lesbians never left! In fact, we left before they did. So her story has some holes in it.
But in reality, it doesnāt matter! It doesnāt matter if she made out with them, fucked them, or just talked to them. I will never KNOW the truth. Isnāt that how it is with everything in life? What do we really KNOW?
I say not much, most of the time we donāt even know OURSELVES so how can there be any chance of knowing somebody else???
And yet knowing her, my babygirl, is all I want in this life. I donāt want the house, the wife, the job. I want to know, to REALLY KNOW my Babygirlās mind. To know she speaks the truth when she speaks of her love for me. To know, to truly KNOW her mind and her heart.
And I know I can never have this.
So I am trying to let go, but to let go feels like I must love less and I donāt want that. So I am working on it. As best as I can.
