A "The Hobbit" fic where the dwarfes are confused about wheater Bilbo is a male of female hobbit and all the shenanigans that come with that.
We know that male and female dwarves look very similar, too the point where female dwarves disguise themselves while on the road, to avoid attracting attention of big folk. None of the thirteen dwafves have, as far as we know, ever seen a hobbit, and it's probable that they have no idea if there is any differences between how male and female hobbits act or look.
In neither dwarven nor elven society do there seem to be any social differences between male and female. Both male and female can become any profession, hold any position, have free will to do what they desire. Of course, dwarowwdams are held in higher regard because female dwarves are rarer then male dwarves, but that seems to be the main difference between genders
So, when the thirteen dwarves are told about a hobbit by Gandalf, a male hobbit that lives in the shire, all of them assume that it must be a male hobbit. But then they show up to the bag end, and are meet with a tiny little person.
and all of a sudden they aren't so sure.
None of them have any knowledge on Hobbit society, nor of any differences between genders. The only thing they can go off, is the fact that the shire is near Bree. Bree, a settlement for the race of men. The race of men, which is known to have show some obvious differences between men and women, social and physical. This is something that they would all be aware of, living as nomads after Erebour and making trade with men.
And so, the dwarves are introduced to a tiny person, that:
- Keeps a strict personal hygien
- Complains about the rest of the companies personal hygien
- Has never traveled far, with or without an escort
- Is easily frightened by small criters and does not like getting dirty
- Moans about the state of his clothes and washing.
- Seems INCREASINGLY fragile
- does not know how to handle a weapon
- does not know how to fight in any kind
- Fusses over the state of his kitchen, cutlery and his plates
- Fusses over the ponies and gives them extra treats
- Picks flowers, herbs and nuts by the side of the road
- Does not have nor seem to grow a beard
- Gossips about the other hobbits (in Particular a female relative)
All things that seems to, at least by the standards of men, indicate a more feminine person.
And so, by the end of the first week many in the company come to the conclusion that, much like many dwarrodams, Master Baggins is a female hobbit disgused as male.
It makes sense after all. It is well known that men treat their women folk differently from dwarves and elves, where everything is mostly equal. Bilbo, as the sole child of his parents would need to hide him being female, assuming hobbits followed similar rules and standards as the men they live neighbors with. It would be the only way for him to continue living like he was, considering his parents where dead and he was sole heir to them both.
So, it just makes sense that Bilbo would be a female hobbit in disguise.
None of the dwarves make any mentions of this fact. It would be rude to do so, and could endanger the hobbit in the long run. So no mention is made of it. Until Rivendell that is.
For it isn't until Rivendel, when it comes up in a conversation between Fili and Kili. The two brothers sit and discuss the company, and when Bilbo comes up, Kili asks Fili whether he thinks Bilbo will ever reveal to the company that she is female.
Fili looks at his brother surprised, before inquiring what he's on about.
And after the two brothers run around talking too the rest of the company (excluding Bilbo and Gandalf), it comes to attention that around half the company has come to Kili conclusion (Bilbo is female disguised as Male) and the other half think similar to Fili (Bilbo is just male).
And so, multiple bets are made, and multiple plans are put into place to figure out the mystery of the gender of Bilbo.
None of them comes right out and asks. No matter what turns out to be true, it would be considerably rude to just ASK Bilbo something like this.
Instead, multiple plans are put into place to try and figure it all out. including, but not limited to:
- Checking if Bilbo grows a beard at any point
- ask Oin if he knows. The healer wacks whoever asks with his trumpet, stating patient-healer confidentiality. (In reality, Oin has just as little an idea as the rest of them)
- Ask Gandalf, who never answers, but laughs until they are sure he's going to pass out from lack of oxygen.
- Ask Bilbo about the shire, which doesn't reveal any further information, other than the dwarves learning who to avoid if they ever go to the shire (some lass named Lobelia is put high on the list of "avoid at all cost")
- See if Bilbo has the *cough* right assets (an idea that is immediately scraped, no matter how much money is now in the bettingpool. None of the dwarves want to break Bilbos trust nor make him uncomfortable in any way, so the idea never go anywhere other than hypothetical)
- See if they can get Bilbo to bath at the same time in a river they pass (no success)
In the end, none of them actually ever find out on the quest the mysterious gender of Bilbo Baggins.
I think it can end in a couple of ways, depending on what you like.
As this entire plot is happening, Thorin is just as confused as any of them about the true gender of the hobbit, a fact that distresses him more and more the farther they go on their journey. espesially when he comes to the realisation that he has become quite infatuated with the hobbit.
Bilbo and Thorin confess to each other during the battle, and shares eachother company for the first time soon after (everyone lives, nobody dies alright?). The next day Thorin walks up to Nori, the keeper of the bet, and simply states "Male" before walking of red in the face. Nori laughs his ass of, and properly distributes the earnings to all the winners.
The hole ordeal is forgotten about, and no mention is made to Bilbo until years later. After Bilbo finds out Thorin has to sleep in his office for a week.
It's like it says, none of the Dwarves ever figure out the truth, but none of them really care that much and it doesn't really affect any of them, so none of them are really bothered other than being curious from time to time.
This could end similairly with Bilbo finding out about the hole ordeal years later, after which he gives the company the cold shoulder for a couple of days. But he never tells them what the truth is, and none of them ever find out.
Someone not apart of the company straight up asks Bilbo the question they are all wondering. The company quickly comes to Bilbos defense, ready to defend his honor. Instead Bilbo simply shrugs, and answer, simply giving no fucks.
The company feels very baffled (and stupid)
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