Enjoying the Ride

[on-silksheets-blog]

Things I'd love to play with Bela

Hunger Games AUS

Silent Hill Crossovers

Game of Thrones AUs (House Tyrell represeeeennnnt)

Arrow/SPN crossovers

Anyone at all out there?

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     The dead of night was calm. Even with the unease that lingered upon where he was, who was a few feet away, and what their past had been. But for the quiet, the white noise that was typically enough to lull him to a light sleep if he could manage it, he could not. His worries about the future to come, the weight resting on him, it had taken a momentary back-burner. He was more concerned about what it meant, what this meant.

     It meant nothing, Dean could be foolish but he was not a fool. They had already crashed any possibilities and she was just kind enough to show a little concern for him when he had shown concern to her.

     All calms eventually came to an end and the storms began once more. He could hear the muffled shower running, the water through the pipes. He knew she too should be trying to sleep though he was more than aware of how difficult that could be after a trek through hell, just living the type of lives that they did.

     His concern did not disappear when she had left the room, rather it had grown. Which led to bare feet padding along her floors, into the bathroom. And there she was, fully clothed under the fountain of water.

     There were no words that could comfort someone like this, not at this point. Only hands that could pull the door open, a man willing to seat himself at her side and pull her to him. “Bela.”

[on-silksheets-blog]

She had forgotten he was there. It was easy to do so, the very idea of another human in her flat was alien. Bela didn't have friends, or bring lovers home. It was a space she conducted business from, but never within. It had always just been a space for her, to peel off the names and facades and fall into a quiet anonymity among her books, her relics, and her cat. Bela doesn't hear him enter the bathroom through the door she'd left open, not exactly. Her sobs and the falling water mask those quiet footfalls, but she knows when he joins her, somehow. Maybe a flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye. Dean. Dean who she'd offered her couch to some hours before. How many? Had she slept at all before the nightmares had left her crumpled? Some nights she didn't. Like it always was, when she awoke, the sensation was overwhelming. A wave of fear, rich and absolute as aged wine had crashed over her shores, bringing with it the phantom pain, and emptiness that crushed her chest until she almost couldn't breath. She's soaked to the skin, , light but reasonably modest sleepwear clinging to her body in damp wrinkles, her hair stringy and dripping so much water in her eyes it's only when it runs into her mouth that she can pick out the tears. He joins her, and he holds her. She's still too lost to make sense of it, too exhausted and worn to react with any usual instinct to withdraw. He says something, a murmur through the patter of water, and she feels like her heart's going to break. Not in any romantic sense, like the hurt and pressure in her chest would never stop, and the fragile, abused organ was simply going to crack, to tear, and she'd bleed and bleed and bleed and- For a moment she sees red droplets, splashing on her skin and pooling beneath her bare feet, but then it's gone, and she's just sitting under the icy spray of her shower again. With Dean. Bela shuddered, willing her body to stop quivering, with moderate success. She doesn't want to look up, afraid to see him, and a new panic rises. He can't be here, be witness to her tears, to her weakness. Can't clasp her like he sees the cracks running across her skin and can try to hold her together. But he is, and he does see, and somehow that just makes it all so much worse.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean did not bother to argue any further, rather he turned and gave Bela the smallest of smiles. 

     "Goodnight, Bela."

     Dean laid on the couch, pulling the blanket over him, and trying not to think too much of the whole situation.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Bela offered him the tiniest of smiles, before disappearing upstairs to her own bed.

She managed to sleep for maybe two hours before the nightmares woke her. She sat up with half a scream in her throat, entire body wracked with sobs and tremors of fear. She couldn't be sure whether her face was wet from tears or the cold sweat that covered the rest of her.

The choked, hiccuping crying forced it's way from her mouth almost uncontrollably, and she struggled to stand on shaky legs. She wouldn't be sleeping tonight, but even now exhaustion was threatening to send her head back onto the pillow.

She slipped down the short hall to her bathroom, turning on the shower to icy and stepping under it in one movement. The water hit her like a sheet of needles, the icy contact waking her up the rest of the way. Her legs threatened to give out and she slide to the tiled floor of the shower, water soaking through her shorts and tank in seconds.

She didn't know how long she could keep living like this. Head on her knees with the water pounding down, Bela started to cry again.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean was more than hesitant to stay, they weren’t friends. They weren’t much of anything though it was hardly clear what they were. While she had a point, he still was reluctant.

     "I shouldn’t impose on you like that."

      Dean stood too though made no move to leave, almost knowing that despite protest, he probably would stay. He was so tired, not just physically, and she had a good reason to tell him not to leave.

[on-silksheets-blog]

"I invited you over, remember?" Bela reminded him, circling around the couch to move to the stairs, her bedroom and bath were on the second landing of the flat.

"Therefore, you're not imposing", she yawned quietly. She didn't have any extra sheets but there was a blanket draped over the couch for the nights she didn't dare go to bed. She ascended the first few steps, and waited for a response.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     "A little is enough."

     Dean held her tighter, without realization. It was a gut thing, it seemed, and that was strange in it’s own right.

     Being here was odd enough.

     Dean hardly had words for her, he knew they were both seeking solace but were they even the right people to provide that? He didn’t think he was for a second but he would be damned if he were to let her go right now.

     Then again, he already had been.

[on-silksheets-blog]

"He clearly got better", she murmured, head drooping a little as he pulled her in closer. She was exhausted, but she always was, months now of sleeping in fits and snatches was catching up to her in the worst way. She’d pass out on his shoulder at this rate.

"It’s late", she sighed, forcing herself to distangle from his arms, she stood, a little shakily, pushing mussed hair from her face.

"Take the couch, if you like, no point in walking across town at 3am."

[fillingboxes]

Your muse hears mine screaming in their sleep. How does yours react?

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

"It’s… a little like that for me too." Though of course he hadn’t there for as long, he’d been there long enough to break the first seal and start the apocalypse. He remembered the pain that he felt and that he inflicted. Though for whatever reason, he’d strongly repressed the memory of when he’d first accepted Alastair’s deal.

     "I don’t… blame you for the things you did to Sam and I." And Dean couldn’t when he hadn’t been the best to her. When he knew, well… “Neither of us have had it easy."

     Life was a constant struggle and it was made worse by their situations.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Bela shrugged a little under his arm. She remembered bits and pieces in detail, but most of it was just a long smear of  recollect painted in blood and ash.

Hell had a strange duality to it. She remembered vividly or not at all, at the point of the knife or holding it. No middle ground, and not much in the way pf grey areas.

"I only shot him a little", she protested quietly.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[on-silksheets-blog]

"How much do you remember?", she whispered, almost inaudibly. She wasn’t sure if she’d asked him before, if she had she hadn’t gotten an answer. The kiss felt like a brand, and her chest tightened with some unknowable hurt at the gesture.

[troubleswillcome]

     "Very little." And that was true. Flashes came back, the pain he felt, the pain he dealt. All the bloodshed he’d caused. He knew enough to be guilty for the rest of his existence. But the specifics, those were blurred.

     "If you can answer, what about you?

[on-silksheets-blog]

"Good", she said quietly, he hadn't been down there even a third as long as she had. She'd hoped the gaps in memory were wider for him.

"I-first decade or so are clear as day, then things get...indistant. Some patches around fifty years are there, some much later, maybe...two hundred? Than nothing."

She couldn't say that the nothing was the worst. Not when her last memories were fairly clear regarding the path she was on, what she was becoming, had become.

He was only here because he saw her an an innocent soul condemned, well, if not innocent, at least not deserving of her fate.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean tried to believe that this meant things were okay, even for a moment, though he knew that was foolish. They were not. And he could let himself be the fool but in the end that meant no one really won.

     "Something like that, yes." He kissed the top of her head and rested his eyes, just for a second or two.

[on-silksheets-blog]

"How much do you remember?", she whispered, almost inaudibly. She wasn't sure if she'd asked him before, if she had she hadn't gotten an answer. The kiss felt like a brand, and her chest tightened with some unknowable hurt at the gesture.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean scooted closer to her, hesitating before putting his arm around her and pulling her closer to him as well. 

     "Neither am I." Dean didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t comfort himself, doubted he could comfort her other than resting with her. Being another breath, another heart beat. But sometimes, that’s what everyone needed.

[on-silksheets-blog]

There was no point in pulling away, or pretending that she didn't relish that tiny taste of security. An arm and warm body anchoring her to reality for the brief present.

She pressed into his side unconsciously, dipping her head, "Quite a pair, aren't we?" She managed in a pained chuckle.

[eleventhclara]

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[troubleswillcome]

     ”Bela.” While he was sure she had a read on him, it was always so much more difficult with her. He wanted to ask, wanted to know what was going on in her head, but that was her business. He lightly kissed the back of her hand again and once more before looking back towards her to hold her gaze.

     ”Please tell me you’re alright. I know hell was… hell. And I know I haven’t been helpful but… are you ok?” This was foreign to him. To care.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Her resolve quavered, and she struggled to hold his gaze. It was almost painful, to see each other as they were. Before it had all been expectations and projections, seeing what they want to see. But that wasn't an option anymore, was it?

"I can't", Bela replied quietly, "Because I'm not."

No lies, no denial, they were past that and she was too tired to lie. Too tired to care if he thought she was weak or broken, maybe she was.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Open:

[Just a spot of cat burglary before lunch.]

[roleplayerscoffeeshop]

 I worry I don’t do my character justice.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Bloody London weather.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[on-silksheets-blog]

She met his eyes, more careful than confident. She didn’t understand what she was doing, drawing him back, any way she could. Was there really no one else? But she knows the answer to that.

She glanced down, at how their fingers had twined in a way that was not so business like.

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean didn’t want to break the moment with words, didn’t want one of them at the other’s neck again. He glanced at their hands too and lifted them, the hands still twined together as he kissed the back of hers. 

     He looked back up at her for the briefest of moments, letting her see beyond his guards, his walls.

[on-silksheets-blog]

Bela bit her lip at the gesture. How did they end up here? She moved, just a hair closer, to-what? She stopped herself. To kiss him again? That hadn't gone well last time. Just because the was exhausted and scared, and trying not to throw herself onto the closest warm body to hide against, meant she was going to embarrass herself like that again.

She hated that she could see through him, see through most people, see all the darkness and pain they tried to hide. She still wanted to hate him, keep him back, but they were far too deep into the woods for that now.

"Dean...", she said quietly, not sure what words were to follow.

[troubleswillcome]

All the Gin Joints || Bela (on-silksheets)

[on-silksheets-blog]

Bela set her mug down on the table, moving a little closer to him, she extended a hand with a small, tired smile, “Shall we shake on it?”

[troubleswillcome]

     Dean slid closed to her as well and his thigh was mere inches from hers. He took her hand firmly in his and shook it quick. But his thumb began to trace along her hand, he appreciated the warmth of her skin on his. 

     He wanted to make a smart remark but he couldn’t find one. Couldn’t find it in himself.

[on-silksheets-blog]

She met his eyes, more careful than confident. She didn't understand what she was doing, drawing him back, any way she could. Was there really no one else? But she knows the answer to that.

She glanced down, at how their fingers had twined in a way that was not so business like.