Tales Of Here And There

Downer’s writing blog.

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I felt the weight of the coming storm begin to fall upon my skin, the raindrops a cold comfort I wouldn’t hide from. The sting was sobering to say the least, as I gazed down at the corpse lying dead at my bare feet. The face looked a lot like my own, but smiling.

Why was he smiling?

The howl of the gale called my name and asked me gently to come home, but where was that? Where was I? Around me was a field of dead sunflowers on a lonely bluff. It overlooked a gray sea, mirroring the stormy sky above. In the far off distance, I heard the cry of thunder, and it sounded oh so desperate to have me back. Black clouds were rolling closer and closer, each step quieter than the last.

This was the end of the beginning.

I wanted to run, but my legs were exhausted, tingling with a soreness like none other. They would not carry me from this place, and even if I had dropped to the earth herself to crawl and slither away like the serpent being expelled from the garden, I wouldn't be fast enough. The thought of throwing myself into the waves below became temptation. I could hope to wash ashore somewhere else as someone anew.

Such a thing, to begin again without a name to call your own. Intoxicating, yet frightening all the same.

Above all else, I just wanted to apologize. Guilt and grief alike ate away at me, gnawing through my bones with a thumping tempo. I fell to my knees, the agony too much to bear any longer as I was swept into the chaos of it all at last.

A myriad of voices bled into one another, each tied to a what was or a what if. I wanted to act like none of it really mattered, but I was tired of lying. Tired of pretending there was an easy way out, or as if there was any way out at all.

I couldn’t, and shouldn’t run from this.

With all the strength I had left, I rose to my feet once more and made a pair of fists. Biting my lip hard enough to draw blood, I let the surge of pain and taste of iron center my thoughts.

A single, solemn prayer escaped my lips for any and all gods to hear.

There was no turning back now, so I stumbled forward into the eye of the storm, where it awaited with baited breath. I was met with a familiar gaze, yet his was more forlorn than mine. I mustered a weak roar and charged forward. I wanted him dead and gone from this world I called my own. We fought knuckle to knuckle, our blood and tears mixing together to form vibrant colors of sweet violence.

At long last, he had won, and so I laid dying at my foe’s bare feet.

I was smiling.

Why was I smiling?

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What’s it like to dream?

Even when I open my eyes

I can’t see the gleam

The gleam of light before all hope dies

This world, rotten to the core

Has no need for seeds

For we had long cast them out from the shore

And now we wonder, why the soul bleeds

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So, you jump in after her, falling headfirst into hell. The descent into darkness is slow and monotonous, and when you come out the other side the glow of neon hits your eyes like a solar flare. Giants of steel blot out the night sky, the lights from their windows replacing the stars themselves. Figures of shadow pass by, paying no heed to the stranger that just crashed like lightning into the cold, hard pavement.

Drops of rain pour down from up above, creating a steady rhythm as you run through unknown streets. Not a trace of her to be found, yet you can feel yourself drawing ever close to where she is. It’s as if a red string guides your path through this labyrinth one could call a “city” but something, truly isn’t right about this place.

You’re neither here nor there, just a little left of reality.

A question springs to mind as you catch your reflection in a puddle illuminated by a fading streetlamp, one that shouldn’t need to be answered and yet…

What is your name again?

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There’s no place for me here, and no place for me among the dead.

I’m stuck here, in a familiar place, an inbetween space. No one is coming save me, as my vision turns red. “It’s not fair!” I cry, knowing that these walls were created by my hand. I can’t help it, I try to tell myself. Another lie to sooth the soul of its aches.

More than anything, I want to break. I’m tired of this armor, it’s heavy and rusty. What good is it if I can’t let myself be vulnerable when it counts.

1, 2, 3 so and so fourth, I steady myself for combat. I won’t let you take me alive, because I can’t bear the thought of living with all these feelings. What good are they, if they remind me of what I really am. Another stray looking for a little shelter, but the doors are locked and it’s starting to rain.

In time the storm clouds will clear, but by then I’ll have drowned myself, never learning how to knock.

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I felt the pull of her gravity again when I came into her orbit. The way she draws me in, I don’t even bother an escape attempt.

Take me under, drown me in the depths of your soul. Let the waves crash over, washing away all regrets and worries. This abyss, blacker than the pitch, is comforting in its own way. Without sight to blind me, I can see the truth of uncertainty with perfect clarity.

The weight of it all, is my burden to bear, yet a bare heart still beats. Can you hear the rhythm? It’s in tune with yours.

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It’s always a thought lingering in the back of your mind, an itch you can’t quite scratch. The angel from you daydreams, the ever looming presence whether at work or idling at home.

She scares the hell out of me

It’s that damn smile, always a smile with her. So warm and inviting, and yet unnerving too. You know she’s human, so much said that any fear of her being more than that has been laid to rest, and yet…

Uncanny.

Does she genuinely like you as a person, or are you just her favorite dog? Ever obedient, ever eager, and you both know it. You try to claim you don’t do things for praise, but that’s a lie. You live for the feeling of praise, and who better to get it from than a beautiful mistress? You’d give anything to be her ever loyal sword and shield. The chain she’s got around your neck is tight, but you don’t mind. This is better than nothing after all.

It’s a line that can never be crossed, and even if you could break free, is that what you really want?

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Memories of you fall around me like drops of rain

Perhaps had I known better, I would’ve stayed in my lane

Things were never simple between you and I

But for a brief moment, we searched that azure sky

And found something to cherish

Even when I perish

I won’t forget the halcyon days gone and spent

Long before I was wondering where you went

Here today gone tomorrow

Leaving me with all this sorrow

Would it have been so wrong to ask you to stay?

For even just one more day?

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Day 13

Found, without a trace 

Wandering youth, many paths 

Lost, but on the way

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Day 12

We say that it’s over, that we’re through 

But it’s the time that I kill 

And the blood that you spill

That keeps me coming back to you

Over and over, I die in your arms 

Never knowing how to say goodbye 

Never knowing how to tell a lie 

Each breath I take is the one that harms 

Do me this one favor, my darling dear 

Put your hands around my throat and don’t stop 

Not until you’ve wrung out every last drop 

Only then, can you you shed a tear

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Day 11

But you see honey, I didn’t die

The man couldn’t even look me in the eye

As he pulled the trigger and waved goodbye.

On my knees, I sent a prayer into the sky

Maybe someone heard, or maybe my luck hadn’t run quite dry

Because when I heard that click, I raised my hands up high

“Hallelujah!” I screamed as I beat the shit out of that guy

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Day 10

Coffee, so bitter

Perfect for a wake up call

My eyes, wide open

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Day 9

Oh but the way you stay on my mind

I think I was too kind

You’re living rent free

And I’m no giving tree 

But since you’re already here

I won’t shed a tear 

A heart for you to take

A heart for you to break

You know the game

And every which way to point the blame

You’ll say it’s not your fault

That it’s better to lock away these feelings in a vault, 

Bury it deep,

Close my eyes and go to sleep

But even when I do

I’ll dream of you

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Day 8

Fade away, to white

Never forget, name stained red

Forever yours, in black

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Day 7

Feelings left to dry

Soaked from the heavy downpour

After a storm, sun

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Day 6

Outstretched verdant wings 

Take aim to a azure sky 

and heavens beyond

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Day 5

“Liar,” is what she said. 

Right before I got up and fled.

I didn’t want to look back. 

I didn’t want to bear the brunt of the attack. 

My legs couldn’t carry me very far.

Collapsing under the gaze of a burning star.

I lied there and bled

Thinking about all the things I never said