One Bored Goth

[oneboredgoth]

Transgender in Church

I sit quietly, No one really knows me

I started off, the rambunctious kid

Always being told “Girls don’t behave that way”

I knew I was not a girl.

Scolded, threatened, sometimes hit, or worse

I fell silent,

A mistake

I know the G-d made me, I am his child, Precious, unique and loved,

But not here

I try to be a girl, then a woman

Fighting for women in the church to be who G-d created them to be

Yes they can preach, Yes they can serve

I feel fake, numb, an alien at woman’s functions

I quietly die sitting next to you pretending to be who I am not

I feel trapped in a shell, numb, trying not to feel it

I suffocate until I can bear it no more,

I fight with myself, a body under siege as I cut, bind or starve it

I need to live, I need to feel, I need to be what I was created to be

G-d has a plan for me, but I cannot see the big picture, no one can

I am not perfect, and never will be,

If I said something would you leave?

If I told you it was killing me would you still hate me?

I know we are asked to love, not hate, but with every mention from the media about people who suffer like I do, the hate banners come out. Fighting, shouting, quick to judge

Where are the fruits of the spirt? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control

I am patient, I stay silent, I see the path a head of me and I am alone

Not really alone, I know G-d did not abandon me,

He knows me, the real me, and loves me, has plans for me,

I just need to hang in there,

But it has become too much, this weight on my chest needs to be lifted,

I bind it, ignore it, but it keeps coming back taunting me

If I told you I was sick, would you send cards?

I don’t tell you because I fear you would leave sooner

I walk alone down a path towards some relief knowing I will be judged by you for it

Nothing I found in the Bible says I have to keep my chest,

It is killing me slowly,

I feel better when it is bound, but that only last for so long,

A hug that reminds me, I am more than my biology, what people think I should be

I try not to fuss with it in church, people ask if I lost weight, staring awkwardly at where something should be

If I get surgery will you pray for me, will someone come to the hospital, will you visit me when I get home?

I remember cooking or baking or putting together little gifts to cheer others up when they were sick, or in the hospital,

But not for me, not for this

If I told you it was killing me, how many times it almost did, would you understand then? Would you stay?

I walk down a lonely road, hoping one day you will understand

Hoping that the last Sunday before surgery would not be my last,

That I would still have my family,

A place to go to know I am not really alone

#transgender #nonbinary

[oneboredgoth]

what is Goth

If you ask a Goth what is Goth? You will get different answers from every Goth you ask. So this hopefully covers most of what Goth is.

We are black-clad hippies, or maybe hipsters? they stole our phrase “You probably never heard of them” as in the band we love, although we would be instant friends if you did know that band. Or maybe we are black-clad historians who love the Victorian era, in our corsets and top hats, but then again we can be futuristic, love sci-fi and fantasy. We are sad, happy, angry or zen. We can be from any background, some came from happy homes, stable homes or broken homes. We are brave or shy. We are poets, writers, artist, musicians, gamers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, scientist, psychiatrist and well this one is hoping to be a social worker one day. We love dancing to our own drum. Seriously, we will all find a different beat in a piece of music and dance, so Goth will be doing an angry stomping dance, another will be doing a sweeping flowing movements another some karate looking zen dance or managing some form of belly dance moves in a corset and yes we are listening to the same song. We love Goth music, classical music, there is Goth folk music! We love all different types of music. We love black, and purple and red and burgundy and blue and some have even developed the talent to not break out in hives with pastel colors! I can only do this with grey, that's a pastel, right? We love thick black eyeliner, black lipstick, and making our face paler than normal. But we also like color and can paint with a full pallet. Or no makeup. We dye our hair black, blue, red, purple, teal or keep it natural. We might have a few “normal clothes” in our closets or we might have difficulty finding which black top we are looking for in a sea of black. Not all of us are depressed, and depression does not have a specific look. But if we do struggle with depression, we don't hide it. Part of being Goth is being yourself. Goths can be very happy people too. Have you ever seen a Goth find sparkly bat stickers? This is probably the best litmus test for Goths, we can not contain the smile and sheer joy of finding sparkly black decorations and cute bats that appear in the fall. So who are Goths then, the people who looked at the box society gave them and said “No, I want the box with the sparkly bats!” Or maybe that was the box of Halloween decorations, but who cares, it makes us happy. So what is Goth? A group of people who accept that they are different and love being a little weird. (and bats, bats are cute)

[oneboredgoth]

Testing some stain trying to figure out how much I need to sand down after conditioning the wood #woodworking #coffeeandsawdust

[oneboredgoth]

Started working on the chair agein, trying to condition the wood to keep it from splitting more

[oneboredgoth]

#coffeeandsawdust

[oneboredgoth]

part 2 took a break from sanding to try and place the holes for the 4x4 post, holes ended up a little off, but not too bad. we had planed on using the pylons but oped to holes and concrete it seemed like less work than trying to dig holes for the pylons bury them half way, it would have made it too tall anyway.

new coats of varnish later (around 6) the frame work was done!

this only worked well on flat ground, so it was bolt, washer, 2x4,washer, 4x4, washer, 2x4, washer nut. the plan was to have the top 2x4s in to make the post level when setting, but our ground was not even so, plan B, put it in the holes and put the cross 2x4 in with a mallet and see that the holes were slightly off, but not enough to re dig or anything.

the pylons came in handy trying to level the post to get the bolts in. we poured concrete in to holes at a time (not on the same side, crosswise), let it set then did the other two

more sanding on the 1x2 while the concrete was setting and late night varnishing, trying to beat the rain

screwed in the end 1x2s then measured the distance and divided it by 14 (the number of boards left, marked the placement of the boards screwed them in, repeated on the other side before securing to the inner 2x4

[oneboredgoth]

and it is done! so here is how this came about. the last few years have been hard. after the car accident and the following workmans comp (tenth circle of hell that Dante was too terrified to write about) I wanted to do something. So with my neck and shoulder hurting, wonderful knee brace and trying to learn how to do things right handed, this seemed like a good project, and I knew mom would love it. so 1 1/2 years later it is done. so it took 4 redwood 4x4 x8, 8 redwood 2x4x8, 16 redwood 1x2x8 (2x2 were too expensive) 16 10in bolts and nuts 64 washers and a large can of varnish, i think i went though 8 sponge brushes and lost count of the sand paper ......

i took a paper plate and cut it into quarters for the half circle template and used a jigsaw to cut the detail out on the 2x4s, then measured out 6in from the end to mark were the 4x4′s would sit. with that i marked where the bolts would go in the 4x4 and the 2x4s and drilled the holes. this worked but made it hard to put together because if things were a little off, the bolts did not go in so well... so i think next time it might have been easier to set the post then drill holes but that would require someone holding the 2x4, hence why i pre drilled the holes.

the boards sat for awhile and i had to sand them down again before varnishing, along with re drilling the holes a bit due to water expanding the wood, holes are offset for stability and so that the bolts would not be too close together.

sadly i learned that being in a hurry was a bad idea, or maybe old varnish, ether way I had to re sand the 4x4s

even learned to sand with my foot, my neck and shoulder did not like all the work

[oneboredgoth]

Update on the project. My car smells wonderful after a late night trip to pick up the top for the pergola. Went with 1x2s instead of 2x2, it’s 5 bucks cheaper per board, so yeah. Have them all sanded down now, just needs varnish and pilot holes so I don’t split the wood when I’m trying to attach it. #coffeeandsawdust #woodworking #pergola #arbor

[oneboredgoth]

The project continues, finished sanding the botched varnish off, learned to be more patient between coats, got three coats on and tucked away from the rain # coffee and sawdust

[oneboredgoth]

Sadly the varnish did something funny, I think my lack of patience got me, layered too soon? Or old varnish. Now having to sand it back down again, lessions learned # woodworking # coffee and sawdust

[oneboredgoth]

a year ago I started this project, slowly getting things done #woodworking

[oneboredgoth]

The start of a new project, first part done, redwood planter box # woodworking

[oneboredgoth]

finished, did not do any hemming, ragged looks better

[oneboredgoth]

1.measure waist, add 4in then divide in half this is top length, add 5-6 ins for bottom, fold fabric with original bolt fold on top, make sure there is enough for bottle measurement.

2. fold in half again to mark center of top, to center top measurement

3. use a yard stick to mark side seams

4-7. sew side seams, wrong sides together first, then flip over and sew the seam again so that the first seem is encased in the second one, were the center is marked, make two button holes for draw string

8. fold back over so seems are on the inside and original fold from the bold is at the top, sew one inch from the top. open button holes.

9.feed ribbon though top casing

10. with left over fabric  still folded, cut 5 in strips, sew two together to make ruffles

[oneboredgoth]

[oneboredgoth]

Red oak shelf it is amazing what you can get done when you don't have so many classes

[oneboredgoth]

Not one for having a perse, but having a phone walet epi pen and batteries wheighs down your pants too much so I found one with a seat buckle a decided it was not too bad, sadly it was a black hole in which to loose everything and if finaly fell appart after 10 years, so I remade the bag, lighter lining so I can find stuff, and even put a pocket for the epi pen and another for battieres. Keeped the outer pockets and the strap from the old bag, its a car seat belt how could you not have that?!