Okay. Let’s get back to One Hundred Dates. I’ve been telling myself this since I stopped writing last year, but now I’m really here to do it. (It’s one of my 2015 goals.) To catch you up with where I’m at, romantically, I had a girlfriend for the first part of this year and I broke up with her about eight weeks ago. I still feel very strange about it. I may actually regret it. Keep in mind, this was my first girlfriend since She Who Shall Not Be Named back in 2010. Anyway, that’s where I’m at, but that’s not what this post is about.
In order to usher in this new era of OHD, I want to share with everyone what I think might be the scariest, craziest thing I’ve ever written.
To preface this little story, I’d like to make very clear for anyone who does not know me that I typically come off as quite stoic, perhaps a bit serious, and, some may even say, emotionless. This was something I only began to recognize during my year of OHD. I had numerous women tell me that I was a tough read. Many others were completely surprised when I indicated interest in them, because I’d given them no reason to expect such a thing. Both of these things still happen. I’ve been processing my muted behavior for the last four years and I’m still not quite sure what to make of it, because I don’t feel like an emotionless person. In fact, I often have so many emotions that my blank expression is more indicative of indecision than anything else. To put it nicely, I come off as a “head over heart” sort of individual.
Several months ago, I was sorting my GoogleDrive files and found some real gems. A turkey chili recipe. Abandoned stand-up premises. Florentine travel guides. A lot of random stuff. Then I stumbled across a document artlessly titled “January.” I had no idea what it was, so I opened it up.
As I started reading it, I felt a swell of darkness in my gut so dense that I was afraid I might implode on myself. I suddenly remembered “January.” How on Earth could I forget it? It was the worst of me, written down and saved to the cloud, presumably to be dug up by TMZ upon the time of my unfortunate, yet highly-publicized, death.
More backstory. My relationship with She Who Shall Not Be Named, my last girlfriend before OHD, didn’t end in the most elegant of ways. Long story short, she slowly dumped me over the course of three months by first dumping me and then allowing me to pitch this idea: “Well, why don’t we give each other space and revisit the whole breakup thing in a few months, at the end of the year, but stay in touch until then?” So we did that. I spent three months basically just reading Harry Potter, watching Harry Potter, and hoping against all odds that She would take me back. She said she’d call me on New Years Eve. Midnight struck. No call. No text. No nothing. My entire emotional stability had been riding on that call, but if I’m being honest, I knew she’d forget. I knew that she’d promised it to make me happy and that it was not in the forefront of her mind that night. Anyway, I sent her an angry text the next morning and she called me. We talked. She broke up with me for good.
We agreed to not contact each other for a full month. So, for the month of January, instead of texting or calling her, I wrote everything down in a document I kept online. That’s what “January” is and it is some scary shit.
The difference between reaching out to a loved one to tell them what you think of them, and writing down your feelings in an email you’ll never send, is that the latter is lacking any sense of civility. The letter is uncensored. The letter is pure, raw emotion mixed with every awful hypothetical your brain can muster. That’s what I rediscovered when I found “January” sitting in my Drive.
I went back and wrote this introduction about two weeks after the end of the month. We’d spoken once and it wasn’t good. We didn’t speak again for 11 months.
“To preface this, it would be good to know what this is. I was told that in order to get around texting and calling you whenever I got really angry or sad, that I should consider writing all those thoughts down in a email. I could then choose to send it or not send it after I've read over what I've wrote and determined whether I feel it was warranted, fair, etc. And so I've been writing this for one month. It's all very reactionary. Parts might be harsh, but this whole thing is harsh, and while I don't feel all of these emotions all of the time, I can stand by the fact that I feel them all at different times still. I also promised that I would only send this if you failed to call me one month later or if our talk was so brief or so bad, that I'd still need to get this all off my chest. So, I guess, with all that in mind, here's my January.
“Also, please don't call me or contact me unless you're ready to admit you were wrong and you want to work things out. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting more of my time.”
That last part really struck me. It’s too direct for me. It’s too black and white. It makes it sound like I am in the right and there is no room for debate. How very unlike myself.
There are 31 entries in the document. One for each day of the month.
I come out guns blazing. The first post includes the line, “I already hate you.” It’s intense. Remember, I’d actually spoken to her that day, so I was probably firing extra hot. Comedically, there is no mention whatsoever of the pot brownie I ate that day, which was my first, and the first time I ever got super high in my life. Anything to avoid my feelings, I suppose.
On Day 3, I write, “I hope the worst for you,” and, “I think you’re an idiot.” I am not usually this mean, but I value my directness, which is a trait I typically lack.
Day 4 takes a turn for the melancholy when I write, “I don't want to give you the upper hand and show you how weak I am on a daily basis.”
Two real doozies from Day 5:
“Sad and pathetic things like masturbating have really picked up. Not because I can't have sex but because I don't know what else to do to be happy.”
“I'm still not ready to say goodbye. I think I'm ready to say ‘Fuck you, please come back to me.’”
I can’t help but notice that hate is a common theme as the days pass.
One of the craziest things I’ve ever written can be found buried towards the end of a long paragraph on Day 10: “I'm not your friend. I'm your boyfriend. I'm your lover. I'm better than any friend you could ever ask for.” HOLY SHIT. Who the fuck wrote that??? My ego must have been jacked up on High Life’s and motivational videos. Had I been watching the Lifetime Original movie, Possessive Lover? Really though, I joke because the alternative is confronting the fact that I truly believed what I’d written there.
By contrast, Day 11 was surprisingly brief.
“I just have random spurts of anger. They're all directed at you.
“I went to grab coffee in the break room and got so sad all of a sudden that I almost lost it.”
I feel like this piece of Day 16′s entry will surprise most people who know me. The language used is just so...unlike anything I’ve ever said in public.
“But don't you remember? You and I made love. I rarely felt like we were just having sex, and you told me you felt the same way. Sleeping with you was always meaningful and filled with love. You can't replace that. People are lucky if they find that once in their lives.”
On the 17th, it was the anniversary of my mom’s death, which any attentive reader will know is a sacred day to me. Of course, I didn’t hear from her. I wrote that I didn’t know if I wanted to hear from her or not, but secretly, I wanted to.
What I wrote later that day is the almost certainly the cruelest thing I’ve ever addressed towards another person in my adult life. Of course, [SPOILER ALERT] I never sent this email to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wrote it. Truthfully, I hesitate to share this with anyone – it’s awful – but I do so with the confidence that I am not defined by these spiteful words and that, if anything, putting them down on screen helped me grow to be someone who would never write them again.
“I really do hope you feel like shit the first time you sleep with another guy. I hope you feel like shit every time. I even hope something bad happens, like you're drunk and you don't mean to do it and he disrespects you and is a jerk. You deserve it for throwing away the love and respect I gave to you.”
That’s 100% psychotic. I mean, I end that statement by reminding her how much respect I have for her? CLEARLY, I had lost all sense of reality because my respect for her was nowhere to be found when writing this. Also, I know what I had in mind when I wrote that sentence, “I hope...he disrespects you,” and though my intention was not so drastic, the overtones of rape and abuse are unavoidable. For the record, I find that entry horrifying and I hope that anyone reading this will understand that it was a dark, passing thought, which I am only making public in an effort to learn from it.
Over the next nine days, things remain downtrodden, but are ultimately, much better than the first half of the month. Amongst the entries, I mention two women I’ve slept with. I am sure their presence and attention helped distract me from my heartache. Shout out to those wonderful women (both now married) who unknowingly helped me through a difficult time.
However, I have a relapse on Day 27:
“You've left me with nothing [REDACTED]. I have nothing left to give to anyone else. I can barely keep myself happy, much less make anyone else happy. I feel like I'm running on empty all of the time. I say this because there are people out there I'd like to date, [...] but I don't even feel I can date them when I know how incapable of loving I am at the moment. [...] You took every ounce of love from me and you burnt it up. You discarded it like it was nothing. Not only was it a huge part of me, but it is going to take me a long time to build that back up and have enough to share with anyone else. What a terribly sad thing you've done.”
And again on Day 29, when I admit, for the first time, something that had been bothering me quite deeply:
“...I can safely say that you breaking up with me is the single most painful thing I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with other bad things, and obviously, [..] my mom dying. But there's a really big difference between death and heartbreak, and it's the feeling of control.”
The six and a half page letter ends simply with, “It's been one shitty month. Thanks for making it all possible.” God. What a bitter piece of shit human I was during this time.
Okay. So why’d I make you read all of that? Beyond the voyeuristic schadenfreude you might experience, I unpretentiously believe that sharing our most vulnerable experiences helps to unite us and lift us up. This breakup was the darkest period of my life. Ask my friends who babysat me. It was a bizarre anomaly in the life of an otherwise boring and endlessly indifferent man.
A lot of what I wrote is whiny and juvenile. Some of it is positively fucked up. After rediscovering and rereading this some months ago, I closed it quickly and felt nothing but shame. I didn’t want to mention it to anyone. I certainly didn’t want to mention it to the woman I was dating. When I eventually did, I gave her none of the specifics. I was far too embarrassed and I feared how it would change her view of me.
I never shared this letter with my most recent girlfriend. In fact, there were many things that I did not share with her, out of fear that they would hurt her or that they would weaken our relationship. Frankly, I’ve had a very difficult time with this most recent breakup and I think a major reason why it failed was because I wasn’t open and honest enough with her. It’s been a reminder of so many of my failings, but an educational one for sure. Reading “January” again, all this time later, and as I am dealing with a new depression, has allowed me to gain perspective on my current situation.
I am sad. I am depressed. But I am nowhere near by bottom.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Lisa from Date #90: LARP Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
It seemed like it would be fun.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
Well, I got a private message from Evan asking me out on this date. After reading the message, I got the impression that he was interested in me. I definitely viewed him a little differently after that.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
At the time of our date, I was desperately seeking a boyfriend! Any male attention I got, I definitely wanted to develop into a relationship.
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
I knew him from an improv class we took together a year prior. I didn't know much about his project, except that he had started it. We were already Facebook friends, so I could potentially follow his daily life if I wanted to!
What was your first impression of Evan?
Since I already knew him, I guess my first thoughts on upon meeting up for the date were "Yay, he's not dressed in all-black! We're both just as nervous to be dressed for this date in public!"
Did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
I sort of forgot about the other dates while we were on our date. He did mention that he had 10 more to go, but I heard him and disregarded it.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
1. Vampire LARPing is taken very seriously, and everyone gets really into their characters and it will feel sort of scary. Not true!
2. Evan and I have very little in common, and he had a very "storybook" upbringing. Not true!
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
We both tried hard to dress the part for the Vampire LARP, but Evan went all out and got a serious set of fangs. It was difficult for people to understand him at times hahaha!
Was your impression of Evan by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
We kissed, and at the time I was SO sure that he wanted to pursue something more serious with me.
(Oh man, I was pretty naïve...)
Who paid for the date?
Evan
Did it matter to you who paid?
Yes.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
I had a great time.
Now, over a year or two later, has that impression changed?
I definitely don't have romantic feelings for him anymore, but I don't regret the time I had on the date.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
The date itself didn't make stuff weird, but me confronting him about wanting to go out again, along with an additional conversation and no actual 2nd date made things weird. Also, seeing the live date was sort of hard for me.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I was hoping it would blossom into something more serious, but when it didn't I was hoping that it wouldn't have gotten weird.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
During dinner before the LARP event, we talked about our fathers. I always think it is pretty great when I'm on a date and get to talk about some pretty deep stuff.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
I treated it like it was a non-OHD date anyway, so I don't know how it would've been different.
In the time since your date, have you found any significant romantic happiness?
I've dated a number of men since this date, but recently have decided to take a different approach to dating.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
Back then I REALLY wanted a boyfriend, and right now I know I must focus on other things. I'm taking a more casual approach, so being in a relationship is not a top priority of mine.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
Dating in NYC can be awesome if you take things casually.
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
Evan is a kind fellow!
In all seriousness, he's a nice guy and I don't regret going on a OHD date with him.
Sociologist Dr. Lisa Wade reveals the fascinating reality behind hook-up culture, what it is, and surprising ways to do it better. TOPICS: College Students Trapped on Campus, Choice vs Obligation, Expectation, Narrowly-defined Sexual Exploration, Orgies, College Parties, Paula England, Science!,…
I listened to this episode of Sex Nerd Sandra last night and I thought it was both quite entertaining and very informative. There was, however, one thing that I had trouble accepting, and that was their...portrayal?...of androcentrism — the practice of valuing the masculine over the feminine. (This begins around minute 46.)
They make several great points and provide good examples of masculine things being valued over feminine things, but I can't help but think that they're glossing over the fact that masculine things are really everybody things and that most feminine things are also everybody things (I'm excluding menstruation, boobs, and childbirth from the argument).
Here's what I'm getting at, more acutely. One thing they talk a lot about is that when little girls engage in masculine activities, we praise them for it, but when little boys do feminine things, we think of it as suspect. They say this carries through to adolescence and adulthood such that everyone is trying to be masculine, but no one is trying to be feminine. Women, essentially, get to be everything (rewarded for being masculine and accepted for being feminine), but then men are only allowed to be masculine, lest they be deemed outcasts. By and large, I agree with the claims they make, and they're particularly relevant to the topic of hook up culture (which is what the damn episode is about, so I'm really being a bit harsh here). However, I would say that many things we consider masculine are really just things women were not allowed to do at one time or another — they're everybody things that have been dressed up as masculine things for most of human history. This leveling of the playing fields should be celebrated! They make mention of women throughout history only being of note because they behaved like men — such as scientists, pilots, or detectives — but I can't help but think they're the only notable women in history not because they did masculine things but because women weren't allowed to do anything important back then! They were just doing things in an environment where most women weren't allowed to contribute. So yes, those were masculine at the time, but they aren't inherently masculine, nor are they masculine any longer. (They're discussing everything in an American and somewhat European vacuum.)
On the other side of the argument is feminine things, which they provide very few examples of. In the arena of sex, I agree with them — things like attachment, tenderness, eye contact, and love are all still viewed as predominantly feminine — but when we talk about interests and occupations, we can't really use the same classifications since women were straight up not allowed to do most things for so long. Math is no longer masculine!
Also, their lack of feminine examples frustrates me. I don't know what they're referring to, and that just makes me think even more that when they say that everyone is celebrating the masculine, we're mostly just talking about celebrating the freedom to do whatever the hell you want. I particularly think this because in recent decades, men are celebrated for participating in many feminine things. Society loves men who cook, help out with housework, aid in raising children, have a sense of fashion, and demonstrate kind, caring behavior towards romantic partners instead of being assholes all the time. Men are absolutely celebrated for those perhaps more feminine things and they don't seem to address that at all.
I'm really splitting hairs here, and I don't think I've done a great job at stating my case, because I really agree with 95% of what they say in this episode. What I'd love to do is talk this out with some other informed people, but I don't have that available at the moment so you get to read my rambling thoughts here.
The lessons taught by improv theater can make dating more relaxed and enjoyable.
Check this out! I was quoted in this article highlighting the benefits of applying improv techniques to your dating life. It's totally true! Improv was an invaluable resource for my when going through OHD and continues to help me in both social and dating situations all the time. Give the article a read to get an idea of just which skills translate and to hear from some other improvisers on the subject.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Elaine from Date #76: Tourist For A Day Date? Here she is to answer some questions and she has a lot of really valuable things to say about her experience!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I was both nervous & excited but also tired. Our date took place more than two years ago so I'd like to preface everything I say by saying that my memory of the date is definitely somewhat compromised. That said, I do remember that I was a mix of both slightly nervous and excited to go on the date. I had found Evan through OkCupid & thought the project sounded intriguing and a new take on a tried and true subject. I was especially drawn in to his personality that came through in his writing & the article that he wrote for The Good Men project. To quote myself, in an embarrassingly earnest email I wrote to Evan after our date, "I was taken by surprise by the tragedy in your life but also with the optimistic and commendable way that you moved forward from it. I've never experienced anything like that in my life and not only did you seem to grow as a person from that, but also as a writer (not to mention comedian), and I was incredibly moved by not just your story but also your storytelling (as a[n aspiring] writer myself)."
Unfortunately, the morning of our date I had a little journey ahead of me & wasn't quite in the best of moods, being tired & feeling a little unwell. Additionally, I had stupidly not refreshed my memory of the details of the project & that article I had read a month earlier & went ahead to the date in a weird mood. This turned out to be a poor decision.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
It both seemed like fun & an interesting experience.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
I had zero expectations that this date would lead to romance (which ultimately help doom the date), but I did hope to have a nice time & possibly make a new friend.
What was your first impression of Evan?
My first impression was that he was kind, as he went out of his way to pick up a little NYC subway map that I had dropped on the street. Otherwise, I thought he was pretty low-key.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
I sort of set up a barrier in my head, keeping the project in mind at all times, while still somehow forgetting that I should really be putting my best foot forward as my actions would undoubtedly be scrutinized to excess. I assumed there would be zero chance for romance, especially after hearing how invested he had been in some other girls, but thought that this would be a noteworthy experience (except it turned out to be noteworthy for all the wrong reasons).
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
I had assumed that Evan (like some other girls have said I believe) would be funnier and more outgoing. I feel that I'm a better writer than conversationalist a lot of the time, & think that he is also, if not to the same extent. But I felt sort of like I was waiting for him to take the lead more & I ended up overcompensating (in all the wrong ways of course).
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
Where do I begin? I was his worst date, so there's only so many missteps [I] can list. I came to the date on a morning I was having a not great day, at a time in my life when I was unemployed & living at home with my parents. I felt like a failure & probably didn't have the confidence to suitably sustain a 10-hour long date at that time in my life.
I was undoubtedly awkward in both my behavior and speech and definitely not flirty (which, though my confidence and general personality traits have improved immensely since the two years since the date, I still feel is something I just don't do well). There were multiple times I had thoughts or questions that I did not properly formulate and they came out garbled. I also didn't deliver eye contact throughout the date, another thing that I attribute to my lack of confidence at the time & a general flaw I have worked on.
I also tend to talk too much to fill gaps of silence so there are no lulls in the conversation, which led to a couple instances of what I thought were innocuous moments of chatter but that Evan perceived as me being either anxious or weird. One example was me asking about him planning on taking the coffee into the Bodies exhibit (I had assumed you couldn't so I wanted to make sure he didn't waste his money, but he thought the question was weird) & another was the admission at the Cloisters. I am a huge proponent of the arts. At the time, I was unemployed & so, paid half the price of admission. I in no way meant to knock anyone who paid full price if they could afford it--I simply was grateful that they had a system to make art accessible to people of all financial backgrounds. Evan took this as me being cheap and/or gaming the system. Now that I am employed & have a good job, I make sure that I fully support the arts in whatever capacity I can.
As far as the tourist aspect was concerned, I was definitely very excited to see things in NYC I hadn't previously. Prior to the date I had outlined the attractions I was most interested in seeing. Though I probably should have been more flexible on the date, I had been very excited to see the items I had run by Evan. This was yet another instance that he mistook as my apathy & he felt he was "pulling teeth" & leading the date. I was also definitely open to suggestion (in instances where I didn't have a clear-cut preference on what to do) but this openness was taken as indifference.
Finally, all of the above were things that I had recognized in being Evan's worst date & reflected in my embarrassing email to him after the fact (basically apologizing for my behavior & saying that I wanted to be friends). One thing that did take me completely by surprise was that, more than two years later, when I finally read his recap of the date (which he offered to not show me out of courtesy), how I ate was completely repulsive to him. I've always been a fidgeter, picking at beer bottle labels & such, but I never really thought I was a gross eater. The language he used to describe my eating habits was appalling & I was disgusted reading it. To respond to it in any capacity, I used the toast to scoop up my eggs, & I ate the crust off the pizza before the rest. Sure, I fidget a lot, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I play with my food. I always eat everything, but I have a certain order in which I eat it. This was probably not the best course of action, eating greasy finger food in a particular way on a first date, but I felt that the Evan was unfair in his description of me doing so. I always wash my hands after a meal (& I took offense that he lied to hope to get me to do so) & I never waste food. I'm glad that he put this on my radar though, so I can be more careful in the future for people with sensitive sensibilities and pet peeves.
As far as Evan is concerned, after our date he commented that I wasn't flirty and cited the instance that I didn't laugh at his jokes, which, he said, even if they were dumb, you do when you want to flirt with someone. As far as I recall, Evan was categorically unfunny. There were numerous instances where I thought I was being clever & cracking jokes (such as the "first lady" we saw at Bodies not looking like Michelle Obama) & I remember him not responding in the slightest.
He said I was hard to read but I could easily say the same of him. He felt like he was leading the date but I was really open to many things, & every time I didn't express a clear "yes" in favor of being open it seemed like he got more & more distant. I didn't find him an especially easygoing date. After my email, he said, "One of my weaknesses is that if I come up against low energy, I tend to take that on. I never want to force anyone to do anything they don't want to do and as soon as I sensed hesitation from you, I became less enthusiastic about those things too. It's a shitty cycle because I'm sure that all you needed was a tiny bit more encouragement from me and would have been fine. Unfortunately, our weaknesses fed into each other." I feel that that's not only accurate but also an understatement. I think we just had very mixed up signals the entire day.
Who paid for the date?
Shared the cost.
Did it matter to you who paid?
We mostly split the cost, except for him paying for the Bodies exhibit (I hadn't expected it to be so much & was unemployed at the time), & me paying for coffee. However, he made a big deal in his writing about paying for the Bodies exhibit (even though I felt very poorly about the whole thing) & neglected to mention that I paid for the coffee.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
That was fun.
Now, over a year or two later, has that impression changed?
Reading Evan's recap only made me feel worse, which I thought was impossible to do (after I took a lot of responsibility for the date going poorly).
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
I have no relationship with Evan.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I did hope to make a new friend or at least acquaintance, which has not been the case. C'est la vie.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
Even though I probably would have been awkward & not that confident, I would have allowed myself to be more invested in the date & more present.
In the time since your date, have you found any significant romantic happiness?
It's slightly better yet still unfulfilling.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
I honestly thought it was just an "ok" date but obviously it has proven to be worse than that. Lucky for Evan that he had so many great dates--girls don't have it as easy!
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
I learned that I had many "dating flaws" but that I am ultimately somewhat self-aware in this regard. I also learned that my eating habits can turn off men :)
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
I took away the immediate realization that I need to be more present, focused, confident & flirty on dates. I believe that this has served me well. I have also just recently taken note that I should be more careful with my food quirks :)
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
I am ultimately glad that I got to be a part of this experience, even if I was Evan's worst date (which is quite a feat). I feel like I have immensely grown as both a person & a dater since then. I have learned to not only be a better date but also to keep in mind why I am attracted to someone in the first place & share that with them, which I failed to do in my poor preparation of revisiting Evan's writing for the date. To quote myself in my email to him, "you seem to revere (as someone mentioned about your tone of writing about women) and treat women with respect that is also uncommon these days ... You actually remind me a lot of Joss Whedon, who I believe you are a fan of as well. I wish we had talked about his positive portrayals of women in his work and how he always gets so tired of being asked why he writes strong female characters. You are the kind of guy that is sorely missing in this world, and it is actually inspiring to go on a date with a guy who not only doesn't treat women poorly, but treats them so well."
I view this all as an interesting excursion, a nice little learning experience & a relatively fun day. I saw Evan twice since then, once at OHD Live & another time after one of his shows, & I am happy to get to "keep tabs" on a talented performer. I wish that he had been a little more objective in his writing about me. In his own words in his email prior to posting the date, "I bear responsibility for why this date didn't go so well, but because the post is from my perspective, that only comes through so much. I understand that, but in pursuit of having these posts be honest and real, I can't edit my version of events too much." But ultimately, this post meant less to me than I thought it would, & I have this great opportunity to respond to it here. So I'd like to thank Evan for that & being a gentlemen throughout the whole process. I look forward to his next successes in life.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Tessa from Date #91: Co-Worker Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I had heard loads about the project from Evan beforehand, and was excited to be part of it.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
Evan wrote a really nice email, which I saw and read right after a Half Marathon. Finishing the race + nice email = super thrilled feeling.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
A pleasant day/evening.
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
Only knew Evan from work, so was really excited to get to know him better.
What was your first impression of Evan?
"Casual Evan," as opposed to "in the office Evan."
Did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
Not really, was really an opportunity to get to know Evan better.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
Evan is a super cool dude.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
Not that I recall? The Knitting Factory didn't work out, but Evan had a list of back-up spots to visit. Which actually is the opposite of a misstep, so... this is not a good answer.
Who paid for the date?
Shared the cost.
Did it matter to you who paid?
No.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
I had a great time.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
Brought us closer.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
Evan and I are friends now, and I think that this date was the beginning of our friendship. It truly was so great to get to know him outside of work.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
I really liked Do or Dine. It could have gone down a pretty "trying too hard to be hip" route, but Justin Warner is the man.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
Date didn't feel romantic, more just two friends hanging out. Without OHD, I feel like an outing with Evan would be the same.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
Evan and [my boyfriend] Brad are friends?
How would you compare Evan's concerns and reflections to your own?
I think Evan's distress over what to wear was adorable.
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my 100th date, the date that brought the project to a close. That idea though — that my 100th date would be the end of OHD — was incredibly foolish. Only three weeks ago, did I finally post the final OHD date online. It took me two years to edit, re-edit, and write the posts that now comprise OHD and in that time, I’ve edited, re-edited, and begun to write the next chapter of my life as well.
I had no idea what I was getting into when I started OHD, other than knowing that I’d go on a lot of dates, meet a ton of people, and write about it all. I didn’t realize how long the writing would take. I am verbose when I only have myself as an editor and I’m fairly lazy when I don’t have a taskmaster or deadline. Lazy might not be the best word — unfocused might be a better one. It’s tough to call myself lazy when I was working a demanding job 53-70 hours a week, performing and taking classes at two different improv theaters, and attempting to have some semblance of a personal life. While I haven’t lounged away my two years, letting OHD take a back burner to idleness, I have struggled with priorities.
My number one priority, for most of my adult life, has been women. This has taken different forms from stressing about a crush, doting on a girlfriend, arguing with an ex-girlfriend, courting my next girlfriend, going through with OHD, seeking out hook ups, casually dating, and of course, making sure no one is ever mad at me through it all (an impossible task). Along the way, music, sports, improv, work, family, and friends have come along to detract from that number one priority, but generally with little luck.
Lately though, as I hunkered down and truly focused on OHD, I’ve noticed a shift in priority. I don’t desperately reach out to women every time I have a free night. I don’t need to be texting someone at all times to feel a sense of validation. I even turn down offers to go out, simply to write or get some more sleep. Once the end of OHD was in sight, I really began to focus. I still split time between OHD and improv, but I don’t think that passion will ever fade. Rather, I’m trying to figure out how to make writing (for the page) and performing (for the stage) my life. I’m a multi-faceted guy and I don’t need to fight that.
When I ended OHD two years ago, I began the next phase of my life and for a while, it was very focused on taking advantage of my newfound confidence with women and the crazy network of female connections that the project bore. I thought that maybe I would want a girlfriend after all that dating, but really, I had been a kid in a candy store and then transitioned to an adult in a candy store. By that, I mean that I knew better and I didn’t have the excuse of innocence any longer. If I got a cavity, it was my own damn fault. I was responsible for being a flake. The project was no longer there to have that tough “I don’t want to do this” conversation for me.
Along the way, that first year after OHD, there were a number of stumbling points. I dated, I hooked up, I crushed, and I just kind of kept moving forward despite getting hung up on one woman or another fairly regularly. Improv was going well and I was still plugging away at a job I knew I didn’t want, but it was serving its purpose, paying me more money than I ever thought I’d earn (I had low expectations) and keeping me comfortable as a consumer.
Then I was cut from the theater I performed at. I didn’t get cast at another. Within two weeks, my improv world was upended. I’d been seeing someone on and off for months, but I couldn’t pull the trigger. That began to unravel as well. It was summer and I was 27. I had an unfinished blog kicking around, a dozen loose ends, a two year old indie improv team, and a career I never wanted.
I effectively quit improv for three months. I started exercising for the first time since starting OHD. Shortly thereafter, I dated someone exclusively for the first time in two years. I quit my job of over five years. And I decided to actually finish writing OHD. By the time that all happened, I had also returned to improv with a renewed sense of purpose and I’d become an actor for an amazing children’s theater company.
Of course, I’ve had to learn how to work on my own. That was why it took seven months to finish up the writing for OHD. I’ve also changed my lifestyle quite a bit, though I still get to live in my same apartment and I don’t starve ever. It’s pretty awesome actually. I like cooking more and biking everywhere, even if it means that all my collared shirts hang largely unworn in my closet. I’ve finally started to coach improv regularly and I love it. It’s so informative and fun. I love teaching people and I hope it makes me better as well. And of course, as mentioned, I’ve taken a much more relaxed approach to women.
Maybe I resemble a typical career-driven New Yorker, saying that my work (writing and improv) have taken priority over romance, but I don’t think I’m consumed by it. In combining things I love with the things I do, I’m just more satisfied by less. Of course, I still crave affection, sex, and flirtation — and will succumb to them regularly — but they are no longer my top priority. It feels a bit unlike myself, but having women not occupy the top place in my life, even if they’re just tied for second place, feels like a major change. It feels like the next chapter. Maybe even a novella. We’ll see.
The point is, finishing the OHD writing has been as much a journey as the dates themselves, and it was never about what OHD did for me on its own, but how it has run parallel to the rest of my life. It was there as I spent my first full year in NYC. It held my hand through the first fully single year of my life. It saw me go from being a student of improv to a teacher of improv. It has seen me go from monogamist to open-minded who-knows-what. It improved my sense of style. It gave me confidence. It stood by as I left the only job I’d ever had. And hopefully, it will help land me my next. It has provided me with a thousand conversations over which I’ve had to reassess my life and it’s given me some amazing people to talk to. (Not to mention, I had a relatively full head of hair when this whole thing began and now, three years later, I have fully accepted the role of Balding 28 Year Old.)
Back in 2012, I rushed to finish the last several dates a few days ahead of schedule, so that I could indulge in the weekend-long improv freak fest that was the 14th Annual Del Close Marathon. The 16th annual DCM begins in less than four hours and it’s a nice marker to have — an annual event that reminds me to take stock of my journeys in improv, dating, and life.
Thanks to all the dates, all the people who got me dates, all the people who have read the site, everyone who has offered encouragement (both during the project and since), and to anyone who has helped make me who I am. Let me know if I can ever repay the favor.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Donna from Date #75: Celebrity Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
It seemed like it would be fun.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
Nothing in particular; a pleasant day/evening.
What was your first impression of Evan?
Very sweet well dressed and gentlemanly.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Lindsey from Date #52: Blind Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I wasn't all that clear on the details of the project until we spoke about it on the date. The date was initially proposed to me as my friend's friend needing someone to meet up with. So that seemed like fun to meet someone new, without any pressures or worries.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
A new friend.
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
Since I knew nothing about Evan, other than he knew a good friend of mine, I was just hoping to meet and share an evening with someone fun and interesting.
What was your first impression of Evan?
My first impression of Evan was that he seemed kind and considerate about choosing where to meet.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
Knowing about the project as the date continued kind of took a lot of pressure off. Sometimes on dates when you really hit it off, it can almost become daunting, the whole, 'I think I really like this guy, I hope he likes me too. Will he want to see me again?', etc. And even though it felt like we had some pretty great chemistry, in my head it didn't matter because I was just helping Evan with this project. A project he was only halfway through, and something I had no interest in getting wrapped up in. So it allowed me to have a really great night out. And I came out of it more confident to take chances with dating.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
I didn't have any since I did not know about Evan or the project.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
At the time I wasn't living in the city, which stinks when you're dating in the city. So feeling like Cinderella with having to catch the last train wasn't the best on my part. Evan kissed me in the restaurant which was super sweet, but I was self conscious of the people sitting around us. On the other hand, as soon as we leave out on the sidewalk beside a closed park, I pull him in to kiss. In front of everyone passing by in the freezing cold. Not the best idea, but also not the worst.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
I had a great time.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
Seeing as how I did not know [Evan] at all, I didn't necessarily hope for much more than making a new friendship.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
As of now, this was the first and only blind date. I never thought I'd go on one.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
Well, I probably would have wanted to go on more dates with Evan.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
While I've always considered myself an outgoing person, this date and learning about the project helped put some of the silly little fears I may have had about dating new people into perspective.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
Yes. It was great practice for my own dating skills.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
A great date, a new friend, and a more open and confident approach dating.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Kira from Date #44: Hookah Bar Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I wasn't worried.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
A blog post about me / our date; a free meal/event.
What was your first impression of Evan?
Evan looked like his pictures. I thought he was going to speak with more confidence than he did.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
Looking back on it I could have "tried harder." Knowing that nothing could come out of the date I didn't present my best self. I felt I didn't have to.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
Eh...
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
No difference.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I wasn't hoping for anything.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
I'd rather not go into it.
Do you wish anything had gone differently?
Yes, of course I do however I don't feel like elaborating.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
I don't think it would have went any different.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
I've found a much better match.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
I did learn some things about myself and my dating life. I don't want to share but it was for the best.
How would you compare Evan's overall impression of the date to your own?
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Mikaela from Date #32: Shooting Range Date and Date #40: Build Something Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
It seemed like it would be fun.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
A pleasant day/evening.
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
I met [him] in person first, so I didn't really have to do any homework.
What was your first impression of Evan?
Hipster-ish? Can't recall.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
Not really. I liked hanging out with Evan previously, but wasn't necessarily romantically interested. Figured I'd be a pal & help this cat out with his project.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
Well, he had grown a mustache for Movember at the time of our [second] date. It was sort of unappealing.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
That was fun.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
No difference.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I had no expectations.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
I don't think it would have been different.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
No mustaches.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
Evan is not my soulmate. That sounded harsh, but yeah.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
Not sure, it was a while ago. But, it was certainly an interesting exploration of modern dating life. Definitely got an informative & insightful look at dating from a dude's perspective. Way better than that "Jake" column in Cosmo.
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
Very impressed by this project. Glad I participated. Thank you!
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Rita from Date #9: Comedy Date? She was one of only three dates who didn't know about the project when we went out. Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I didn't know. I was getting prepped up to go on the date! I was nervous like any other date, but I had no idea it was going to be written about later, of course.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
I asked Evan! I'd really been let down by a guy a couple of months prior, so I'd turned to OKCupid to go on a few dates and throw myself back out there. I asked Evan out through that website. He found a day for us to go see a show at UCB.
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
I had no idea about OHD, again, so my expectations were pretty normal, though I remember that our online profiles had some really high match, which I know doesn't mean much but I figured, Hey, at least we'll have similar values.
I loved comedy and I was glad to go on a date with someone who also appreciated comedy.
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
I think I stalked Evan just through his OKCupid profile, which is where I found him. I'd just started a new job and I was really busy, so I don't think I had time for any usual Googling ... though I try to avoid that if possible; makes you so stressed out when you already know something....
What was your first impression of Evan?
I thought he was attractive. Close to my type. Nerd-handsome. I felt bad that I was late. I'm usually very punctual. I felt bad he arrived so much earlier than I did. He was pretty easy to be on a date with from the start—comfortable, calm—though I didn't feel any sort of "spark" from the beginning.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
So I'll try to answer this question tailored to me, since I didn't know about the project!
Had I known, I would have been very self-conscious and probably wouldn't have agreed to go on the date. That being said, this was a REALLY surreal/fascinating thing for me. I remember that Evan contacted me after the date—maybe a couple of months after?—and I was surprised. I know our date hadn't been incredible (we didn't even kiss at the end), but I didn't think it was terrible, either. I kinda just assumed we both didn't contact each other because there wasn't really a spark. I would have gone out with Evan again had he asked.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
I wish I remembered more. It's funny: The date wasn't nearly as momentous for me as was the aftermath. So it's been nearly three years, I think, since we went out! So it's weird that something I didn't realize was important was going to become important. I went on maybe 5 dates with different guys during that time period, and I don't really remember much from those dates, or too too much about the guys after, but then again I wasn't keeping a journal of the dates/being blogged about.
I remember that Evan was indeed smart and worldly. That was nice, though intimidating—I'd never really traveled, and I grew up in the Midwest, and I was a little insecure and felt like I maybe wasn't educated enough, or something. I don't know. You know how you feel silly on dates sometimes.
I maybe, not sure why, but probably because he said he did improv, expected Evan to be a little more outright funny? Like in-your-face funny. But he was much more my speed (I'm not obviously funny, but sometimes once you get to know me, I think I'm ...amusing...? ha) and really just set me at ease. He was funny and obviously clever, but not over the top at all.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
Hm. I'd just changed jobs and because of a direct-deposit error, I was really, really broke. I shouldn't have been going out on a date. I was so relieved we were just going to a dive bar and UCB, so I wouldn't have to spend too much money—things were kinda dark, ha ha. That's a misstep I made, was probably not owning up to it. But it was funny to read Evan talking about how I insisted on paying in the blog post. That's SO me. I showed the post to a few friends (I told them the story and they BEGGED; I was really sort of embarrassed about it). Anyway, they all laughed when it got to that part, I always pay and often pay for others (and for a period in my life, I frequently found myself with, like, $4 in my savings account because of it).
This made me laugh (kinda dark laugh, but still a laugh): from Evan's post about our date: "She asked if he was my only sibling. You’d think it obligatory, but I didn’t ask about her siblings in return. What a dope." Why that's funny—it's weird that I brought up siblings anyway, because it DOES invite that question typically, and it's funny that Evan remembered that he didn't ask. My younger brother actually died when I was 11, so siblings are a really touchy/traumatic thing for me, that I don't handle well in conversation usually (humor is my defense mechanism, so I usually try to make it into some sort of weird, very dark joke...like I'm doing right now).
Hm, what else? When Evan first blogged about this date, it didn't include bits about the other girl, "Ariana" (not sure if that's her real name). But then when I found the blog again while I was cleaning out my internet bookmarks, I noticed that was added—he was mentioning how he'd texted Ariana during our date and then met up with her afterward.
That made me feel sort of weird, even though it was three years later and I'm really a confident person. It's just never good to feel second best, or not appreciated? Even when you DO feel confident about yourself, and happy with yourself, I think that it's probably important to be honest and open when your feelings are hurt. This did hurt my feelings—not significantly, but it just made me feel inadequate/not funny enough/wonder what I didn't have that Ariana did. Anyway, I didn't dwell on it long.
I also thought it was funny that Evan wrote that he knew the chances of anything happening with me were really slim before we'd met up...it made me wonder what sort of vibe I gave off on my online profile that made that seem the situation.
Evan was a nice person to date. We had a pleasant evening together. We got a long. I would have gone out with him again. And had I not been broke, I would have suggested getting a drink with him after! Ha. I wonder if my stress about that, about money, made me seem like less fun that I actually was. It was surreal and actually really interesting to read about our date, but it made me seem like a LITTLE less energetic/fun than I think I really am? (Normally I wouldn't be ending the night that early; I would have been suggesting another drink, another comedy show...I assume I was worried because of money and because I'd just started a new job and didn't want to fuck it up.)
Was your impression of the project by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
Well, if we consider the end of the date when I found out about the project weeks later, I will say my impression of the date itself changed. It was REALLY weird. I called a couple of girlfriends, freaked out. Their opinions ranged from being furious for me to being really amused. They all like to tease me about this line, which I found particularly mortifying, ha ha! It makes me laugh now: "I hadn’t noticed her body at the restaurant, but as we walked down the street, I could see how good she looked. Really though, I was taken aback. I simply did not get a good look at her while sitting at dinner."
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
That was fun.
Now, over a year or two later, has that impression changed?
SO: I was kinda mad about the blog at first, because I felt a little...invaded? And like someone had tricked me. BUT I do think it was kinda cool/valuable to hear about what I'm like on a date! And it's been a fun laugh when I've shown friends.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
No difference.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
Hm! Well, I didn't know he had plans to go on a hundred dates, so before I went into the date, I was hopeful that I might meet someone who I really got along with and who I could continue to date.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
I remember thinking that even though I really loved comedy, and I really love improv and standup, I probably shouldn't go on another first date to a comedy club again. It gets so awkward at points: you're always watching to see when the other person laughs! And, sometimes, the comedy is just NOT good. Luckily on this night it was good. But it's so much nicer to see comedy when you're with close friends who you can relax around...and when you've got a few beers in you.
Do you wish anything had gone differently?
I wish I'd known about the project. I wish we'd had another drink or two after the comedy show so we could have gotten to know each other better.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
Ha! No pretending necessary. Though I can imagine this maybe was weird for Evan to disguise? Maybe he would have acted differently? I don't know.
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
I've been in a relationship since a couple of months after I went out with Evan. It's the kind of relationship where you meet and you go crazy. So that's nice. It's nice after going on that-was-nice-but-no-sparks dates for a while...it's nice to meet someone who just GETS you and makes you feel comfortable instantly.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
Hm. In the blog post, I seemed more nervous than I thought I normally seem.
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
Not really; I think I answered most of these questions on the last page in the earlier forms. I had a nice time on the date. I would have gone out with Evan again. I wish I'd never found out that he'd been texting another girl throughout the night. I felt weird about the opportunities and the what-ifs? It was nice to hear about myself, and sort of hear a critical analysis about myself.
Oh: And I didn't like the name Rita. Ha. That was my pseudonym. It's the name of the evil woman from the Power Rangers!!
Overall this was a good experience for me and Evan seemed like a nice guy and I hope he got something out of it.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Emma from Date #45: Cooking Dinner Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
As [Evan] knew, I was in a long term relationship, so dating was very new and in NY, kind of painful. Thought it would be fun to see what it was about with someone I'm comfortable with, but still don't know extremely well.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun. Not sure if [Evan] picked up on this, but I'm always down to try something new and enjoy good company.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
A pleasant day/evening. Getting a chance to know each other better.
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
I didn't really have any... I don't really like to think ahead and make expectations, kind of just like to roll with it...
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
Maybe looked at [his] facebook and checked out the blog?
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
Even though it was technically a date, I wasn't sure if [Evan was] generally interested in me. Our date dynamic [was] different than women whom [he'd] just met, at least from my POV.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
Didn't have any...
Was your impression of the project by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
Not really. The only thing I remember asking way back when was how [Evan could] manage to kind of date a few women. Seems exhausting!
Was your impression of Evan by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
Nope.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
I had a great time.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
It didn't really change how much we hang out, but we know each other a little better and are better friends.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
I would have maybe analyzed it more. I tend to overthink things, but since I knew [Evan was] going on many dates, I didn't overthink this date.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
It's nice to learn about people and have fun and see where things take you.
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Ella from Date #99: Kayaking Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
I was particularly excited to be a part of it. After recently getting out of a long term relationship, I was excited to use this as an opportunity to try out dating again. I was also recommended to do the project through a mutual friend, so it seemed guaranteed to be a fun time.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
No great reason, just seemed like fun. Like I said, I was new to the dating scene and it seemed like the perfect incubator situation to get back out there. A first date that's only going to be a first date? Terrific! I was going to be able to go through the motions of dating without the tricky part of figuring out where anything is going from there. The idea of going on a first date with someone and actually getting to hear their reactions was too tempting to turn down, as well. Who hasn't been curious what the other person is thinking when you're on a date?
What did you want to take away from the experience?
Looking back, I just wanted to take away a renewed confidence in dating. I wanted to be my earnest self in order to really get the most out of reading someone's reaction to being on a date with me. Anything else on top of that was an added bonus!
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
I tried to expect nothing and just have a good time. It's hard to say I had no expectations, I had the vague sense that I was going on a date with a "professional"- someone who had been doing this for a long time and was going to make it a good experience. On one hand, knowing Evan through my friend Kevin I assumed he would be a funny, interesting guy who would be great to spend an evening with. That being said, I had met Evan briefly before one afternoon in Bryant Park. At that time I felt Evan sort of shrugged me off and (to be entirely honest) was a little rude, so I was hesitant that he would be interested in spending an evening with me. It was a weird takeaway for a 5-minute or less interaction, so I wasn't going to let that color my impression of Evan, but it did put a slight hesitation in the back of my mind.
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
I read only the "About the Project" section of the website to get more of a feel of what Evan was trying to do. I didn't want to read any of the dates, for fear that during our date I'd be trying to figure out how he was going to be writing about it. I guess you could say I did slight amount of research the old fashioned way on Evan- Kevin and his girlfriend had given me a brief rundown and a recommendation through a good friend gives you an idea of what the person might be like. I didn't really feel the need to do any more research, as those were high enough accolades and I wanted to learn more about Evan in person during the course of the date. I didn't even look up what he looked like on Facebook, opting to test my memory from when we had met years before (something I found myself regretting waiting outside Chelsea Markets- until Evan walked up).
What was your first impression of Evan?
I guess my first impression of Evan came from our text exchanges leading up to the date. It took awhile for our schedules to align and Evan kept in touch on a good basis as well as expressed a polite enthusiasm for our date, which really helped to put me at ease. When I met Evan in front of Chelsea Markets, I remember thinking he was better looking than I had remembered. I was also impressed by his clothing, as someone who works in fashion I really notice when a guy has put some thought into what he is wearing and can buy clothes that fit him. He struck me as friendly, upbeat, and confident.
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
I was interested in the project as a whole, so it gave us something to discuss. I was lucky enough to be date #99, so I got to hear a lot of how the project had gone and Evan's reflections of where it was going. However, I wanted the date to feel more than transactional and I wanted to get a real reaction in the post Evan would write. I looked on the project as an obvious interest of Evan's, but thought of our date as a real first date- somewhat without the pressure of having to go on a second date.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
Hm, I'm not quite sure how to quantify this. I would say my initial hesitation from meeting Evan a few years back was proven completely not true, when I found him uninterested in meeting me. However, my impression of Evan as a great dater was proven very true.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
Evan thought I described my dress as being "red with little dogs" when it was red with little dots. Let text message history state that I did, in fact, say dots.
I wasn't sure what to wear kayaking, as I had read something on the website for the place we were going to as needing the appropriate gear. As I don't really do any outdoorsy things in New York anymore, I asked my coworkers if I could borrow some clothes. The place turned out to be way more casual than I expected, and I walked out of the dressing room in a full getup, totally not needed.
When kayaking, there was a group of guys in our group having a bachelor party weekend. As I am prone to do, I began teasing one of the guys that he couldn't paddle backwards on our trip down the Hudson. He took on that challenge, but eventually tipped his kayak and fell into the river. Turns out, it was the groom himself, and I felt like a big jerk.
Was your impression of the project by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
I really wasn't quite sure what to expect, in terms of how natural the date would feel. I was incredibly pleasantly surprised by the end that the whole thing had felt like a traditional first date- complete with a little tipsy kissing at the end.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
Life changing!
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
Brought us closer.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I didn't want to be the delusional girl who thought a date for a first-date project would ever turn into more than just what it was - a singular date for a project. However, I'm extremely glad Evan and I have kept in touch and have really enjoyed the times we've hung out since.
Does anything stand out for you from the date in particular?
The entire date felt so honest, on both of our parts. It made the whole experience both comfortable and interesting. I got to learn so much about Evan's past and family as well as share a lot of my personal experiences. That feeling has always stood out to me and is a big part of why I look back and remember the experience so fondly.
Do you wish anything had gone differently?
No. In my opinion, it was a perfect date.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
For my part, I would have been a lot more nervous. I was in a volatile place in my life and the idea of wanting it to go well would have been intimidating for me.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
I've learned that the thing I want most when I am on a date with someone is to come to a similar place of candor. Especially dating in New York, it can be easy to get caught up in the beautiful atmosphere or the fun activity you are doing and forget to really connect with the person you are with. Finding a way to put the person you with at ease and allow for you both to honestly get to know each other is extremely important. It was one of the first things I noticed while on a date with Evan and was so integral to making the rest of the date really enjoyable. As fun as it can be to get caught up in being charming on a date, there really isn't anything better than just being yourself. You owe it to yourself and the person you are with to be as earnest. I guess this is something I already felt before the date, but this experience really solidified this belief for me.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
I took away a renewed sense of confidence in both myself and dating. I was nervous after having not dated due to a 5 year long term relationship. I left the experience with the feeling that dating was something fun and I felt less intimidated about getting to know someone new.
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
In Their Words is a chance for the participants of OHD to voice their reflections, critiques, and general feedback on their experience being a part of this crazy thing. For more info…read this.
Remember Kerry from Date #96: Bartender Date? Here she is to answer some questions!
Going into the date, what were your thoughts/feelings towards participating in the project?
crazy. pure crazy man. I thought it was insane. I remember seeing it on Facebook and we had talked in brief about it months and months before and it always seemed so overwhelming. So many dates. So many women. I wouldn't be able to keep it all straight in my brain. It seemed like a Herculean task to take up.
Why did you agree to go on this date?
A bar full of patrons forced me into it. So Evan shows up at my bar on a busy Friday night, sits his ass down and announcing that he's there to ask me out on a date cause I happen to be a bartender. It was so nutty. I had been asked out plenty of times while behind the bar--it kinda comes with the territory--but Evan was relentless. He was aided by a bunch of regular patrons taking up his cause. I couldn't walk anywhere in the bar that night without someone asking me if I was gonna go out with him. And in all fairness to Evan, he was adorable in his attempts but it was so much fun watching his sweat it out for hours wondering if I would say yes. I'm pretty sure I had made up my mind within the first hour that I'd let him take me out but man it was fun to watch him work for it.
What did you want to take away from the experience?
Well. Two things really. Firstly, I was so intrigued by the project and by what kind of man would want to take part in it. Evan seemed vaguely sane, vaguely nerdy, vaguely normal. What I'm trying to say was, he wasn't a bad boy playboy type. He didn't seem the kind of dude who would want to spend a year dating an awful lot of women…and I realized that if I had the opportunity to create a situation in which I got to know a large swath of the male population in a flirtatious and fun way…and then write a goddamn blog about it? oh count me in, you crazy dating beast. Plus, and I say this with as much humility as possible, I was mildly curious what a review of a date with me would be. I mean, why not right?
How would you rate your expectations going into the date?
ziltch. nada. nil. I was going with the flow.
How much research did you do on Evan prior to the date?
[None.] So many of these dates seemed to be centered around a type of date (kayaking. yachting. lots of water activities) but with me, I was the chosen date. The fun was in getting a bartender to go out with Evan. Really, my date was about scoring the date not the actual date itself. It left little to expectation or nerves or anticipation.
What was your first impression of Evan?
And now an actual step by step guide to my thoughts about Evan walking into the bar: "Wait. Who are you again? How do I know you? Oh hey, I didn't think you'd make it. You're the guy with the dating blog thing right? You want to take me out cause I'm a bartender. Oh lordy."
How did knowing about the project affect the date in your mind?
For me, it was always about the project and not a "date." It's hard to remember that far back in immense detail but I seem to remember going into thinking it was purely project. There was no romance in it, no butterflies. I remember those lines getting slightly blurred towards the end of the night as the conversation and the beer flowed but it wasn't a date. It was a blog post.
Care to share any confirmed/broken assumptions that you remember?
I remember thinking often that he had dating down to a science. It was rhythmic in its pace. At first, it felt disingenuous to me. It was always about the blog post. About the experiment. At some point in the night, I remember Evan leaned in an touched my knee and it flashed in my brain that experiment or not, we were on a date. Like a real one. With flirting and conversation and beer.
Do you recall any missteps that either you or Evan made during the date?
That cowboy shirt. Oh lordy. Evan. Buddy. For the love of puppies only wear that thing in Texas and while riding a mechanic bull in Chelsea.
Was your impression of Evan by the end of the date different from your impression at the beginning?
Evan seemed really quiet at first. He asked me out in such a powerless position--the dude sitting at the bar. Bartenders are inherently performers pouring a guinness and I'm sure it's a bit intimidating to deal with but Evan was awesome. Smart, funny, yadda yadda yadda. I'm starting to feel guilty that I don't remember the date in more detail.
Right after the date, how would you have summed up the experience?
That was fun.
Did the date change your relationship with Evan?
No difference.
How did you hope your relationship with Evan would change or evolve?
I had zero expectations. A month or so after the date, I ran into Evan at the magnet (maybe? the pit? oh who knows) and I remember waving and getting a smile back. And while that date went no where except a lovely walk across midtown, it was such a nice feeling to know that we had shared a few hours of good material for a blog post. We're still basically only Facebook friends but I do smile when I see he comes up in my news feed. He's the dude with the dating thing. That's a special title, folks.
Pretend that this date was not part of the OHD project: How would it have been different?
It wouldn't have happened.
(A bartender has her rules, Evan. sheesh. stop trying to ask out all the bartenders you know.)
How would you relate or compare this date with your current dating life?
Well, I'm in a different city now so my dating life is completely different. I feel like no one dates in New York. We all fall accidentally ass backwards into relationships. You don't know until you're out of that city that's there's a plethora of other ways to find someone with which to watch your netflix queue. Evan might have been onto something with this whole dating thing.
Did you learn anything about yourself from participating in OHD?
Bartending is a way of life, and apparently, a way of dating.
What did you take away from this experience, if anything?
It takes a brave soul to walk into a bar and persistently ask out a bartender. That bravery should, once in awhile, be rewarded.
One last chance: Have anything else you want to say?
gummygunk
ellievsbear
kaledo-art
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