Spilled Thoughts Smudged Hands @onelastword-x-blog - Tumblr Blog

You

-

Every day now you remind me

That I exist only to spite you

I exist only to pollute the air around you

And you assure me

That I’ve always been less

Less than a good person

Less than ideal

And I believe you when you tell me

That I don’t deserve for things to be this good

But in any case

I’m grateful for you

Grateful for who you were, anyway

Because who you were was always so real

And always so kind to me

But you’re a stranger now

And it’s hard now, trying to be without you

Hard to adapt to a better place

It’s hard to find every day comfort in my actions

Seeking salvation in this pattern that’s preserving me

But I’m starting to fade away again

I can feel myself slipping

And now I’m back to crawling through my own messes

As they stain my clothes in crimson shades

Screaming to me that I’ve chosen my fate

And that even death is too good for me

The air I breathe is wasted on me

And I’m fairly certain

That I don’t really feel

That my emotions are only copies

Of those around me

And I wish it weren’t true

But I’m drowning in the depths of the sea

Freezing in an unknown river

Filling my lungs with water

From the bottom of an ocean

And I can’t swim

.

X

I Know

-

You’re angry with me

I know

But you know that this isn’t my fault

You know I’m not dumb, I could tell

Your little smirk and shy eyes told me everything

About how you touched her before school

You know I know everything

You even had a little plan

To tell me it was a mistake

That you never did it

But I know you fucked her before class

I’m not dumb

You came by again later

When I was puking up all the remnants

Of what I considered love

You said you were sorry

That it would never happen again

I told you to go

Because I’m not stupid

You know I know

I know

.

X

Perfect Imperfections

-

I’m just an insignicant cell

On a body that doesn’t want mans you’re just a snowflake

On the back of a stranger’s hand

They’ll brush you aside

But you were always so kind to me

But always so cold

And I always seem to find ways to draw parallels

Between you

And the snow that collects on the bottom of my boots

What was once so crisp and clean

Is now muddied and indented

Worn down

From years of life

But somehow

It’s more beautiful this way

More raw

More real

Not just an unmarried sheet

Covering all the perfect imperfections

.

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You Lied

-

The night paints black circles under your eyes

Testifying that your conscious never dies

You promised me that we’d get some sleep

If you came inside and laid with me

But now I think I know what’s wrong

I’m not here to judge you or tell you what love is

Because there’s really no defining this

And I know that you’ve made mistakes before

You say you’re not perfect, that you’re nothing to adore

But “perfection” is just a messy opinion

And you looked me dead in the eyes with a lie

As I swallowed the words and my mouth went dry

But I didn’t hear a single thing you said

Because I know last night you were in her bed

With your body entwined firmly against hers

.

X

Dead Refrains

-

I’d love to see your heart break

Finding justice in these dead refrains

The dam behind your eyes

Begins to break

And it begins to pour and rain

I find justice in your heartbreak

And love in these dead refrains

.

X

Puzzle Piece

-

I think maybe it’s the way you speak

Forming thoughts and words so easily

Or maybe it’s the way you think

Forming ideas that keep me from falling asleep

Sometimes I think of drinking

But I’m afraid I’ll say words

I promised I’d never say

That bottle of lies for a tortured soul

Like standing on the edge of a mountain

And screaming the first thought

That passes through my unfiltered head

I can remember every detail of how you look

And it’s a shame that I don’t believe in soulmates

Because if I didn’t know any better

I’d say that this feels just right

After all, it’s a miracle

That with you, I’m not scared

How could I be when I can stretch out

And feel you there beside me

So I guess we should shut our mouths

Because our words could speak for themselves

I can feel these words in our blankets

Surrounding us, embraced in your quilts

And at times like these, I can’t help but think

Just maybe, you’re my missing puzzle piece

.

X

Don’t Let Go

-

I wake up

Looking for any form of light

With rays that could help ebb away the pain

That keeps my lungs so tight

Trying so hard to ignore

The voices and feelings that scream

For me to get out of this world

I can’t make them stop

And you try to tell me

That these demons will fail

That I just have to give it time

Assuring me

That I’m precious to you all

But I can’t do this alone

I still need you, to hold onto

So please don’t let go

Don’t let go

Because I am so afraid

.

X

Promise

-

You promised me

You promised you would always search for me

In a crowded room

You promised

With the same eagerness

That a child has

While sifting through a box of toys

You promised

Like searching through the lost and found

Searching for anything that feels lost

You promised

Never considering what would happen

If suddenly, your search ceased

You promised

As if the second you cease to search for an object

Is the very second it stops being lost

You promised

And I know you are cold

You’re so damned cold

But you promised

And please

I want to be more than just a warm layer

Clinging onto a body that I can never properly hold

I promise

I want to be more than just a mirror

That you glance into the moment your reflection

Stops resembling a person that you know

I promise

I know that you know the feeling of new clothes

Pressed against your flesh

And I promise

I know

That you know what it’s like to sit

Waiting patiently

For a home you’ve never known

But I promise

Do you?

.

X

Hands

-

I’ve always loved the way your hands looked

And not just when compared to someone else’s

Not just in comparison to mine

They were always just right

Almost like an artist’s hands

You see, they were always cracked and calloused

Worn, from building walls around yourself

Your skin covered in muddy, flaking clay

Crumbling off as it dried

And I think

You must be so secluded

I had two thoughts

Before touching your hands for the first time

I thought, “Are they soft?”

Well, I sure hope not

Not too soft anyway

Because seven years ago, I fell into a hole

And I still haven’t managed to climb my way out

So as soon as our hands meet,

I wonder if they’ll be strong enough to help me out

And I thought, “Will they be cold?”

Because, my god, I hope so

Because my hands are so fucking cold

That it burns if someone grabs them

So goddamn cold

That anytime someone touches them

They ask me if I’m okay

And I don’t know

Am I?

I mean, I’m aware most people have walls

But I just feel like mine aren’t the same

Because, whereas you are hiding away

It’s more like I’m trying like hell to escape

It’s like I’m trapped inside

And I’m trying desperately to retain the memory

Of the last time I actually saw daylight

And I know, that you know

That where I am now feels permanent

And you tell me to just give it some time

Because nothing is actually permanent

But I can tell you

The moment our hands touched,

It was like I felt something click

Because, my god, your hands are so strong

And mine are so damned weak

It was almost like I was forced to dig in

God, I want so desperately to hold on

Because if I hold on, maybe

Just maybe the world will stop

And your hands will stay cold

So cold, like mine

They’ll stay cold, and strong

Steely, like metal gears

Protecting, like glass casing

Like we’re constructing a clock

And we could tick together

But I feel like I can’t move fast enough

And I know so much time has passed us already

But I swear I’ll make it up

And I know, damn

It must be so hard to stand in front of someone

Who just keeps promising that they’ll get better

And I know I have no evidence

To back up what I promise

But please,

Please

You have to trust me

We both know my past is ugly

But I swear to you,

I really think sometimes

That I can make it to the other side

Just as long as I know that when I get there

You’ll be waiting for me

When I get there, I’ll have

Somebody

Please have faith in me

That I can do this

I need that

I need you

I need

Another month, and really

I swear to god I will pull through this

I need to

I need you

I just

Need for our hands to touch~

.

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