one man's transition

I'm not going to post my identity in any way on here, that way I can show results uninhibited. I'm slighty overweight - 5'7" 240lbs - and most transmen of my size are embarrassed about their body, and don't post results because of it. Well, now there will be some.

[onemanstransition]

April 15

I went to my pcp to order leg bags and stat locks. We ordered 8 of each, which would make each set last 2 weeks. That’s kinda pushing it as far as smells go, but w/e. I’ll just order more later. We ordered 600mL bags, and I asked for any valve BUT the twist valve. It gets too loose and untwists when rubbed against things (like pants legs or when my dogs rub against my legs).

So the supplies came and they had sent a box of stat locks, 25 of them!, and 1 leg bag…yeah, 1. You’d think the person packing the order would have noticed something was off about that. I had to call have them order more leg bags.

[onemanstransition]

April 13

I finally have a date for surgery! It’s gonna be June 21st. The apt coordinator said it’s not outpatient, and to plan to stay at least overnight. But she’s an administrator, not medical. I need to ask Urologist. Urologist plans to scope, but he put on the paper to do a reconstruction, that way we get everything done at one time vs separate apts.

My worry about the pain meds has come true. The 60 days runs out about June 4-5 leaving me 15-16 days without meds. I don’t think it’s right to make me drive all the way down there and pay the tolls for another month of meds when I had asked for 3 months in the first place! I find I’m actually quite pissed about it.

I figure they have 2 ways to make this right w/ me…

1.       Send the signed script through the mail, since faxes aren’t accepted

2.       Call my new primary and ask him to fill the script. Idk if this option will work, but it’s something to look into.

[onemanstransition]

April 11

Called Urologist b/c he still hasn’t contacted me. I actually got to talk to a person, and was promised he’d call me back today. Yeah…right.

At work, the bosses want me to do a few projects at the end of the month/through May-June, but without knowing when I’m going out…the training  for the project’s cost so they don’t want to waste time and money for me to not be able to complete it. So now I’m loosing work opportunities b/c these idiots can’t get their shit together. Around 3 I text my mom and asked herto call Urologist for me. Well, he actually called her back! Wtf!?

Highlights:

He wants to use buccal tissue (mouth tissue/cell) to do some reconstruction. I don’t even know what the construction would be…? The urethra is there; it’s just mostly closed.

Mom mentioned my leaking problem. He’s confused about it b/c

o   I have a supra pubic that should be draining my bladder

o   I should be able to urinate if there’s so much leakage (no shit!)

He’s waiting on surgeon to see which procedure he should do so he can schedule things. Should he not have gone over this with Surgeon LAST WEEK when they talked during my apt!?

Mom says we’re making progress; he called us back. Um…what progress? We’re exactly where we were a month and a half ago! Waiting for Urologist to communicate with Surgeon to schedule a date. Jesus fuck I’m so tired of this! When are these people going to get their shit together!?

[onemanstransition]

April 6

The special underwear came in! The material was freaking awesome! Love it! The pouch is awesome! It’s not quite deep enough, but it’s loose enough that it shouldn’t be a problem. However:

1.       With the nerves being so sensitive, it’s not quite comfortable yet.

2.       My scrotum doesn’t hang, so it doesn’t go in the pouch, causing a pulling that was slightly uncomfortable. Hard to tell with the phallus hurting anyway.

3.       It’s boxer briefs. I had forgotten that they’re tighter around the waist, putting pressure on the supra pubic and along the scar line.

It’s awesome outside of that, and would be perfect if I didn’t have the pain/discomfort. Idk if I can rig something up with other briefs/boxers I have lying around…

[onemanstransition]

April 5

I’ve been leaking horribly this past week. It’s very frustrating. I’ve been having awful pain recently…like really awful. I’ve noticed I’m getting sensation further down the shaft, and any touch sets off the nerves, but unless I’m naked, something will always be touching it. I think that’s adding to the pain, but it’s definitely not all of it.

My scrotum gets squished between my legs when I’m sleeping. I wake p on my side. Everything hurt so badly I could barely move to get out of that position. I’m on my way down to Miami to see the surgeon and get some meds. The pain this morning was awful.

--

I swear I didn’t say more than 10 words to the surgeon. He kept walking out in the middle of my sentence. I’m gonna make this short, though, and hit highlights:

·         He said he didn’t need to be present for the surgery. I had him call Urologist to tell him. He came back and said Urologist wants me to try urinating again. Yeah…it’s too painful and doesn’t work. I’ve been trying every now and then.

·         He’s not sure about the leaking, but at the same time he says Urologist will fix it during the next surgery? What?

·         He says Urologist wants to scope before the next surgery. Well, that’s what I’ve been saying!!

·         My grip and pinch are about the same as last time.

·         I got 2 months of pain meds. Well, it says every 4-6 hours as needed, qty 60, so at 2 a day, that’s 30 days, and 1 refill. I had asked for 3 months, but the new assistant wasn’t sure of herself or even how to write the refill. However, it’s nice to not worry about pain meds. That’s 1 big stress off my shoulders.

So I guess I’ll give urologist some time to arrange it and call me with a date for the next step.

[onemanstransition]

March 31

I only have a couple pain pills left. I called the surgeon to see if I could come down in 2 days and pick up a script. The new asst. said the surgeon wants to see me before giving me more. But the only apt they had is 5 days away. I’m going to be out for 4 days by that time!!

[onemanstransition]

March 26

Still having on and off leaking of inconsistent amounts. However, I found some underwear that might be helpful!

The brand is “obviously male” and is made for larger endowed guys. (pretty much every trans guy, lol.) The thing about this brand is they have two lines of beifs and boxer briefs of both 3” and 9” leg lengths that have pouches in the front. The ouch holds the penis (and scrotum, if it hangs low enough) to kepp it away from the body and prevent them falling between the legs!!

The “anato-free” pouch is a little shallower but provides more support. The “anato-max” pouch is larger for size and comfort.

 I got the max b/c with this pouch not only will I be more comfy, but there should be room to put a pee-guard in it to catch the leaking. I’m really super excited to get them in!

They’re on the pricey side, of course. It was in Australian money, but the price plus shipping was $34.35 USD…for one pair. Crazy, yeah, but I only bought 1 pair to make sure it works. Agghh I can’t wait!

[onemanstransition]

March 20

I went to work, and as soon as I got there, the bag actually did leak. It ran down into my sock so I had to go home and change vs just swapping the bag. This time I did go back b/c:

1.       It was the store manager who knows the whole deal and

2.       It was the beginning of my shift. Can’t loose that many hours.

[onemanstransition]

March 17

So the leaking is still inconsistent. I went to work this morning and wasn’t having any problems. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I leak a flood! It was so much that it ran down my leg and pooled on the floor…right in front of two customers! ! This was exactly what I was afraid of! idk if they  saw or not, or if they knew what it was if they did see.

I had to tell the lead b/c I had to go home and change. I told her the bag burst b/c I’m not telling ppl I’m wetting myself. Even so, the look on her face was pure disgust. She recovered quickly, but not before I saw the look.

I didn’t change and go back. I just stayed home. I couldn’t go back.

[onemanstransition]

March 8

I’m having abdominal pain that’s pretty bad, and it feels almost like cramps. The leaking is outrageous; I’m sure it’s weak kegels, so I need to exercise the muscles and help rebuild the strength.

Depends were too painful to continue wearing them to work, so I brought extra pairs of underwear. I had to change too often and just left early.

[onemanstransition]

March 5

I went to see my therapist and unloaded everything:

1.       I should have been nearing the end of all this, but now I’m stuck in the middle of it.

2.       The pain, being sick, possibility of another surgery, finally peeing but just a bit, pain associated with that, not sleeping more than 2hrs at a time, mental duress of everything, confirmation of another surgery.

Overall it’s been a very trying week. Using the catheter again has relieved some pressure/pain, providing some small comfort.  Sigh.

[onemanstransition]

March 4

I finally heard back from the urologist. His assistant called and said that based on the xrays, I have a stricture and need surgery to repair it. I don’t see how they can say for sure it’s closed vs maybe scar tissue covering it, from an external view. I think he should still do the scope so he can see what exactly he’s working with. I informed the assistant that I was urinating, and how painful it’s been and everything included.

After musing if I should put the catheter bag back on, I decided to do it.  Why put myself through more pain and discomfort if I’m going to have another surgery anyway. Maye the leaking will stop by work on Sunday.

[onemanstransition]

March 3

Went to work wearing the depends. It was like wearing briefs again with the addition of checking the back of my shirt to be sure the depends weren’t visible. It’s almost expected to see boxers at work when bending down, but trying to hide a diaper…it was mentally stressful and distressing.

While it’s still painful to urinate, I used a urinal for the first time! It was everything I expected it to be! It was amazing; what the whole purpose of this surgery was about!

I was very sore at the end of the day.

[onemanstransition]

take care of yourself <3

Thank you! I’m trying.

[onemanstransition]

Post Urination

March 2, 2016

I woke up every 2 hours having to pee, and it burned pretty much every time.

I have a leaking problem. At first I thought it was t he remaining dribble left in the urethra, but it was too much. It wasn’t that the flow didn’t stop; I could stop/start the flow while urinating. There was so much leakage that I went through 6 wash cloths and 5 boxers. I work tomorrow so I gotta do something. Adult diapers?

--

The adult diapers worked, but they’re shaped like briefs, and squish things the same way.

March 3, 2016

Went to work wearing the depends. It was like wearing briefs again with the addition of checking the back of my shirt to be sure the depends weren’t visible. It’s almost expected to see boxers at work when bending down, but trying to hide a diaper…it was mentally stressful and distressing.

While it’s still painful to urinate, I used a urinal for the first time! It was everything I expected it to be! It was amazing; what the whole purpose of this surgery was about!

I was very sore at the end of the day.

[onemanstransition]

March 1 - Post Urology Visit

Worse fevers today, but little nausea. Mom came by to check my last would to see if it was infected; it didn’t appear to be.

I didn’t dilate last night because I was scared and technically I did it yesterday morning, so I did it tonight. Going gently, something popped softly, and blood flooded out followed by a think, pale yellow liquid. The towel I used look like it was from a murder scene.

After telling my mom, she told me to clamp the supra pubic and try to pee. The yellow stuff was probably urine stuck in the urethra and ripping it probably opened a pathway to let it out.

I was nervous to try peeing after last time, but Mom pushed until I agreed. After drinking and waiting, it WORKED! But boy did it BURN! It’s to be expected, I guess, but still…

I took a shower and urinated again. Still burned, but it was slightly tougher to pee, as if the urethra was trying to close already. It wasn’t hard, just harder.

I’m wondering if we should still have the scope test just to be safe, but hey…I can pee!

[onemanstransition]

Feb 29 - Emergency Urology Visit

Woke up okay. Headache better, nausea worse, ab pain better, scrotum pain worse. I thought maybe work wouldn’t be hell. Pants weren’t comfortable, but weren’t the worst.

About 7:30 Mom calls and says wants to take me to Miami. I said I should wait until 8 when a coworker arrives since it was just the boss and me.

Waiting at home for Mom to pick me up, I did my dilation. I heard something rip, then blood poured out of my penis! Geez. Glad I’m going to Miami!

We called the urologist on the way, explained the situation, and made an appointment but were told to come in when we arrived regardless of time.

Urologist said that without knowing where the block is, he didn’t want to take the scope in. Apparently the scope can scrape the insides when looking around, so we need to get straight to the blockage. That means another dye test.

Urologist says just popping a catheter back in won’t help, that we’ll just be in the same place later. If there’s a closure, I have 2 options:

1)      Surgery. They’ll go in and surgically reopen the urethra.

2)      Leave it. Let it close there, then reopen the previous urethral pathway from before surgery.

Uh…#2 is NOT an option! I wasn’t even concerned about phallo at the start of bottom surgery. The goal for this surgery is to stand to pee. I’ll die before being forced to sit to pee for the rest of my life. (That’s the dysphoria talking. That was the big thing that had me suicidal after top surgery.)

It seems likely that the surgery can fix it. I just need to stay positive. Just the thought of reverting to that, though…it’s devastating.

\When asked about the rip, he said it was okay, and then I got a note for the last 3 days from work.