musings and ramblings and vents

thoughts and laments during moments of intense emotions usually. not often a reflection of normal behavior.

[onetreeforest]

Content warning - there will be mentions of suicidal ideation, abuse, csa, etc as this is where we vent and ramble about our life unfiltered.

Its a means to process and put them out there instead of keeping them in our head.

[onetreeforest]

I feel sick.

At first i felt numb.

But the overbearing anxiety and dread hit me.

Hes gone. Minuet went dormant and im left alone. I didnt think it would feel this bad. We had been apart in a way. Where we didnt front together but now... hes gone. I dont know when hell wake up again.

She was so tired... im so tired... but i couldnt go with her. Why did she have to go dormant..

What am i supposed to do?

[onetreeforest]

In our fear of losing him we may have just kept pushing him away the tighter we hold on.

Our fear of our bond breaking, of us no longer being a bonded pair. Of no longer being exclusive and special pains me. Like an agony of losing a part of you.

But it was all our fault isnt it. We kept pushing him. Kept truing to pull him back. Becaude we couldnt cope well with him being so busy. Of being apart. Especially so soon after just getting him back.

Did we fail? Are we forever doomed to drive away everyone who loves us? Who is dear to us?

Im so tired... it hurts and im tired. I... i dont know what to do anymore

Im scared to hear how his feelings has changed.... i wanted to hope that our bond was still the same but now....

I cant be here. I cant be in the front. I camt do thia. I cant fucking do this

[onetreeforest]

I tjimk i ficked it up. I think i keep fucking ot up andnmakongotnworse andnwkese. Andn idomtnknkwnwjat tl do. I domt. I fomtn i jist.n

I jsit wamtednhim. Njt itnkeeosnfeeling like hes slippingnaway and.. amdno jist. I feel like i keepnpushimg hkm away every tome i try to hpld pm.

What if je hates me.nkw. what if hes resentingme for these. God what if he regrets coming back. Am i makimg his lofe worse?

I jist.... i miss hkmnsk much andni miss oir calls and our talks amd miss seeingnhim and.... i asled if you could semd.photos.of jim or stuff occasionally, tell me things occasionally. Jist tall to me a bit but it feels like je forgets. He forgets abojt me. And anyotkme i do this he wamts to do thos eless and less amd is stattimg to hayee3 me amd.... its my fault.

[onetreeforest]

Something we realized lately is that if we hadnt gone all public with our sort of manic depression then. He may not have checked on us at all

And wouldnt have ever known we commited.

And ots... a sort of dreadful thought i think.

That if we really just stayed quiet and hadmt bothered him then hed never had a reason to check on us. And we wouldve gone through with it. And he never would have known.

Which i guess was good as whem we had cknsidered it back then, we mever eant him to find out we did.

But its scary because of jow close we were. And no one wouldve known at all or until later.

[onetreeforest]

Despite all best efforts, Minuet still struggles with keeping stable. Personally, I see this as normal as there is not much to be done in regards to our mood and mental health in a manner that is helpful all on our own. Medication is greatly needed but something we can not afford to have.

And no doubt, the prolonged time we have lived with out medication has surely done some form of damage to our brain and it can only accumulate further down the line.

It... is something that worries me. The damage that is being done with being unmedicated for such extended period of time. I have read that so far much of it could be reversed once you are on a path of treatment but who knows how far down the line that will be.

Nonetheless, we can only try our best to not let it get out of hand.

It is unfortunate that this situation is affecting Minuet so strongly. But she is now paralyzed with so much fear to be such a bother to ask for his attention that shes dove toward being as minimized as possible.

I would much rather prefer her speaking about such worries to him but as of right now, it seems best to leave her to calm first before attempting anything.

Given I fear attempting to assure any sort of stance or feelings on the matter currently has... the potential to go south.

While I would offer to speak on her behalf, my manner of speech and bluntness and overall.... "unpleasant" company, so others say, may not be helpful as I may get misunderstood as well.

And no one else within the system seems to be currently willing to take front or perhaps may be unable to due to the intensity of such episode. Which is unfortunate that there is a limited number of us able facilitate a switch that would be beneficial.

This week has been difficult and not ideal.

More so as Minuet and Havoc who seemed to have been on track to fusing has now been separated again and Havoc no where to be seen currently.

[onetreeforest]

The pain and anxiety makes me want to throw up. I feel sick. Why am i stuck like this. Why cant i just get out and be okay. Why why why i just want to be happy and patient and waot for him and be happy he talks to me at all. I jist eant to be okay and waot and not be so sad and. Its so hard to play up how happy i am when im sad like this. I want him to know > love him so much but its like a wall i fucking cant get through to express it cause it &urts and i wamt to run away and just cry and cry amd cry amd cry.

[onetreeforest]

I honestly feel pathetic... ive been playing the little ds tomodachi life and just... playing it. I made a little him to play with and watch. To watch him interact with the others. It feels so sad that i get comfort from a small fake version of him.

[onetreeforest]

It hurts. It hurts so much.

I dont want it to hurt.

I dont want to be like this

I want to be happy and excited to see him and talk to him but it hurts

The past few days. The whole month. It hurts.

Its so little...

I dont feel wanted. I dont feel missed. I dont feel like i was cared about at all

I still want to trust him and hope but im so sad and i miss him so much.

I dont... i can barely talk to him. He never has time

And he says hell try to make time for me but he barely has time.

I just give up asking. Wanting to hear more

Because he never has time to talk to me even just a little. Never gives me any update.

Leaves without a word.

And maybe its my own fault to making things a much bigger deal than it is.

My own fault expecting i was a priority enough to be given at least a little update on his day at least...

I love him and i wait still. Ill always wait. But it hurts so much feeling like... this is really all ill have to get for the next month

That if a friend stays over again like this itll be like this again.

He doesnt say he misses me first. Doesnt give any update at all. No check in. The past few days just been good morning i love you. Good night i love you.

Im happy he does that much but... the whole rest of the day with nothing else...

And it feels like a joke a bit that now that om just doing less trying to keep contact, he starts saying the second good mornings for me again. Before i wake up. He seems more excited and im just sad and upset and hurts. It hurts.

Why cant i be patient like a normal person. Why cant i just. Not be like this. Why does this bother me so much.

Im not his priority.

Far from it.

[onetreeforest]

I dont feel like myself. Maybe its an 3pisode of some sort... i dont know.

Ive been slowly feeling myself grow disconnected from everything again.

I dont feel like i belong. I dont feel right.

I feel like im losing people i love somehow

Losing myself.

This has happened before right? So i can get better again.

But i just... feel so lonely.

My beloved can't talk to us as much for two months.

One of our friends is going to be gone for 5 months.

Some of our friends havent spoken to us in so long now.

It doesnt feel like we are friends with anyone

Like we matter to anyone.

Like no one would notice if we disappeared.

Its an episode im sure but... i feel so...... gone.

[onetreeforest]

I dont know what i can say right now.

I just need some sort of distraction i guess.

I really am not blaming him for this. And while my co-fronter wants to, i know hes trying his best to be nice and understanding. As much as its against his demeanor as it is.

I know hes busy. I know he said we couldnt talk as much. Its not his fault.

But at the same time he said hed try and make time for me. It sounded like he really meant it. That hed find or make some time just a little to talk. He promised he would say good night every night. It sounded like he would make am effort to do that.

When he said we would talk later i got so. Sooo excited. As sad as i was he jad to go early. I had so much hope hed come back. Wed talk. Wed say good night.

But he never did.

Hes apologized now but... i can't forgive it yet. Ill still accept it but... im hurt.

Im not sure he understands or knows how big a deal these are for me. Especially now. Our talks and Especially our good mornings amd good nights and i love yous are so so important. They mean so much. And Especially now? Any effort put into ensuring we get to talk and have our good nights mean so much more. I already have fragile trust in him because of him leaving. Im trying to hold onto trust. To trust him.

But... saying wed talk later and never coming back... really hurts that. Hurts me.

And i dont know... it feels like anytime i front. I just get the short end of it all. And it hurts even worse.

And... it makes me scared. Im so so scared. Im so terrified that... what if... he doesnt actually care? What if... always being upset by him not.. following through makes him tired and want to leave again?

Am i that much a burden?? Still? I just... i..

He said hed try and make time for me. To say good night to me every night. He said he would.

[onetreeforest]

I cried about it again today...

I was doing okay. More or less...

But then it was as of a sudden wave of terror gripped me. I was back there, his absence, the pain. His words. The broken promise.

I cried like i did then as if it was real and happening again. The pain and fear of him having left me. The promise we made, that i believed then so so strongly, broken. I cried more.

I feel a bit pathetic... i feel so scared. I want to believe they he means it for real this time. That he would stay no matter what. Keep the promise.

But i find myself shaking in fear. Feeling sick. That it isn't forever. That once again i feel in time he will leave me.

Mr. Grace says its normal. Its traumatic. Its happened recently in the scale of things and its okay to still be hurt and sad about it. To have moments where it feels real again.

I know... i know its just... i know we can get through it. I can believe him again. I can trust his promise again. That... it is forever this time. That it really is forever.

But it hurts so much and its so scary any i just wish it never happened. Or at least like that.

I know its an episode. Well be fine. Itll be okay. Well do better. Learn better. Be more patient and understanding and really really try. And well never ever ever think of leaving each other ever when it gets hard. And we can get there in time. It will be okay. We love each other.

Its so painful feeling like this and trying to be rational and have hope and everything. The terror of it and trying to stay in reality. It hurts.

[onetreeforest]

It feels so lonely...

[onetreeforest]

I cannt sleeepp ;^;

I suppose ill try and ramble my thoughts.

I still find myself anxious, thinking back to when he came back. I get all worried over what we talked about and i know i shouldnt. I do trust him genuinely.

But... my head gets all sorts out in that... it... really is just... would he have come back if i hadnt made all those posts? If we just tried to... cope on our own? He said its what helped him make the decision but... i dunno maybe... im not sure in what way it helped.

Cause it makes me anxious to think that he didnt come back because of love and all.

I know this is unreasonable to focus on and think.

Possibly maybe he means more, it helped reminded him of our love and care and good for each other. I hope so...

Im glad hes back, im happy he still loves us. Still chooses to stay and keep our promise. I really really am.

I guess... even though its been talked about, i still have the feelings and hurt. It... honestly... him leaving was a betrayal.

I cant lie about that. I know it was due to us being so out of our mind with... so much that he got... fed up but... after all the promises. To always stay and find a way and work through it. To never leave. That no matter what he would stay. And i believed it.

This is a betrayal. It was.

Its not something id hold against him, hes apologized and he came back. And is doing his best as always. But i know... theres been trust broken from it. Given how... terrified. Petrified of him leaving again.

I think we were just getting used to... being ourselves again. Feeling safe to ask him stuff, ask what he did, know about his day, see him, bother him. But now its like we are terrified again.

If we seem too needy or too nosy again our head rings alarms that he might leave.

That if we poke his attention too mucb hell leave. Thay if we message too much hell leave. Its the same thing again. And i hate it.

We were... just able to stop that spike of anxiety when he messages and... its back.

Its like we dont know how to act anymore again just after learning it. Cause to us, everything too much feels like a risk of him leaving again.

And i hate to admit it... but because thats happened... it feels like i cant entirely trust anymore... like before. Its like i cant... trust hell stay. Cause he has left. And sure hes come back but... if not for our posts, would he?

I really want to believe that... eventually... yes he wouldve. That... after some time he would still love us, remember and hold onto the good, hold faith and hope for us to come back.

I want to really fully trust his promise again. To really believe him again. That... we would stay for eachother through everything. No matter what. That well figure it out somehow. That we wouldnt ever. Not ever. Give up on each other even if it gets really really hard. Even if either of us is really struggling bad.

I begged for one last chance but... i want the forever we promised. I want the no matter what happens, we have each other. I want the well figure it out. I want that even if we fight or it gets nasty or if it gets scary or hard or anything, we come back and apologize and work on it and get through it together always. I want that well never leave each other. Never ever.

I pushed myself away from him so much before, i thought he was better off without me, i tried to elf abandoned cause i get so delusional i was only a detriment that i was hurting him... but i never wanted to leave him. I never regreted meeting him or knowing him. I never wanted to give up on him. Even if ive been hurt. Even if i became scared of him before because of what happened. I dont want to leave. I want to stay and try again and again.to try and do better and try and understand better and try to know him better. To figure out together how to catch episodes or to stop and take a breath better.

Im devoted to him and loyal to him. With how much i love him, how could i not be? I want this to work, and i want us to keep trying always and figure out better and better. I want us, all the good and bad and nasty and beautiful.

I.... i want to believe he would stay again. I want to believe he loves us so much that he would stay through it all again. And it kinda hurts to have this betrayal and broken trust like this and i tried not to think about it cause i knew id cry and cry over this. Cause... i really believed him. And i loved that... i believed him.

Its been hard to cope. Mr. Grace has been helping a lot especially with our love being... so much more busy now... with a friend over along with everything else...

And i know hes doing his best to make time for us... but my head wants to make it hurt. That im not one of the higher priority. That he doesnt care enough to tell me about his days what he did or anything. Tell us if je thought of us. Tell us if je missed us on his own. And i know its mot true whag my &ead says but i jist... like the other said, with all of this happen so fast and in a short time its hard to adjust and cope at all.

I miss talking to him... i miss feeling like im the first thing he thinks of when he wakes. I miss feeling like im special to him. I miss seeing him. And seeing his photos and everything.

I should trust him to follow through, keep his promises, still see me as so special and dear and beloved. That he does think of me often, that he would tell me about his day, what hes done, anything, everything, that hell still keep including me in his life like i do for him.

I want to feel like i am part of his life. But... i dont know what he does anymore. I didnt know he still had school. I dont know if he does his walks i dont know if... i...i...

I feel like... i force him to tell me. With all the asking to know more. I feel like i just force myself into his life. Unless i ask, he doesnt tell me things... and it makes me feel really bad. I dont want to always feel like i keep having to ask for more. How was your day? What did you do? How did it go? What will you do? What did you eat? Where did you go?

I feel like i ask more than he really just gives on his own and... it makes me worried and paranoid and more so now with... how pushy i know it all sounds.

I know my heads just all a mess still. That its not always all bad. They im sure he does tell me things on his own without me needing to ask. That he does think of me, enjoy my company, wants to talk to me more still like i do, that he really is trying to make time for me....

That... he really means it this time. That he will stay no matter what. Through anything and everything. That well work through it, figure it out. And really. Truely. Honestly stay.

I want to believe him again.

[onetreeforest]

Too many people annoying as fuck on our dash

Honestly we start to hate using tumblr more and more

Hate to be seen online at all

Personally not sure why we even kept following certain people especially after the lackluster as hell interaction

Wants friends my ass. Fuck trying to befriend people online if there is not a single god damn effort. Pisses me off seeing them on the dash still.

Well at least we are down to 70.

[onetreeforest]

I haaatee being mediatoorr i dont like doing this grown uo shiit.

I dont wanna be "polite" and "nice" i just wanna swear and go "shit man rip" and not havento think about dumb relationships and anythingg

Auuggghhh.

Feelings are gross and i hate that minuet made us cry cause he kept freaking out.

Why cant shit be easy and all smart alrrady and normal.

Like i mean yeah i dont wanna like. Lose him, hes chill really. And like i dont really want to make him feel bad. Either.

But like how both of them go about shit is like watching people do trial and error but really badly. Like... i think decker is an ass and min and havoc dont really need to not front? Maybe front less sure yeah but not fronting at all is extreme.

Nd him saying that its for the best to an already sensitive person was not a smart move. Yes fronting less is helpful but if you both like talking to each other and soending time, i dont think you should say something like that cause it jsut hurts feelings. Idk. Fuck im thinking about feelings too much

Whatevr!!! Whatecer!! I did my best!! I dont know jack shit! But i did my best!

.... i hope i didnt fuck things up...

Man this is just all bad fucking timing..

[onetreeforest]

Im so fucking sick and tired of these two.

I get it, shits hard, shits scary, everything is awful. But fucking hell. Babysitting one of them was managable but now i got two polar opposites of triggered mess.

Glad they understand they cant be in the front for now. Cause fucking hell they really are not rational at fucking all when like this. And none of us are at a point we know how to do the whole stop and step back and take a breather shit.

God im tired. Fuck. Makes me wish i was unkillable again. Would kill to do dumb shit that would get any normal person killed.

I think we are too drained from a number of shit to properly cope at all. But at least this is something in a way of managing it so it doesnt hurt anyone.