One with this World

Hello! I'm Ariana. twenty-something. | | Seattle, WA living | | San Francisco, CA native. Grad student. This blog will serve as a sort of diary for me. That is one thing about this blog: I write a LOT (though not so much lately because of that grad school...

[onewiththisworld]

I'm laughing so hard because this is what Jamie reminded me of at the end of that GoT episode lololol

[onewiththisworld]

I accidentally sent this text to my mom instead of my girlfriend when I was high:

"Bb....I am so sad...I think my bong got lost/misplaced during the move :((((" Kill me now. I am dead.

[onewiththisworld]

This is the time of my life when I’m in that interim stage of being done with school and applying for jobs.

I am so ready for that 9 to 5. 

Marissa and I have moved in together, which has been wonderful. There is still clutter everywhere from me moving in for a few reasons: 1) we’ve both been out of town for a week visiting family for Fourth of July, and 2) since we’ve come back, it’s the busiest time of the year for her work so we haven’t had time to organize yet together. 

I still work at Starbucks part time, but I am getting so restless. Starbucks was wonderful for me as a side hustle when I was going to school and working full time in higher ed. Now that the only obligation in my life when I wake up is going to work at Starbucks in the evening, I am losing my mind. I have applied to every single job I’m qualified for so far in the higher ed scene in Seattle, so I’m just playing the waiting game. I’m also at home a lot before I need to head out for my shift at Starbucks, and clutter drives me crazy. 

I just want a full time job in my field. I want the waiting game to be over. I want interviews. I want job prospects. I want people to get back to me! I want a clean, organized, clutter free apartment! 

[onewiththisworld]

Today is my moving day and friends let me tell you, I am overwhelmed. Clutter overwhelms me. Some friends are coming to help me in a couple hours. Bless them.

[onewiththisworld]

In the spirit of writing more again on here, here is an issue that’s been on my mind.

As I shared in my big catch up post earlier today, my partner Marissa and I are moving in together this Friday! Last weekend, we spent Saturday night completely decluttering and reorganizing the bedroom to make room for my things. She has a lot of things that she doesn’t use or wear, and has a tiny bit of a hoarding problem, so there were lots of nooks and crannies to declutter. We were cleaning under her bed, and out of the deep back corner under the bed, she pulled out a little box. Inside the little box were old pictures and letters from her ex. They have been broken up for over a year before we started dating. They were together for about four years, mostly in college and a year of long distance after college. We looked through the pictures and momentos and everything was fine for me, and the moment we were finished looking through them, I was like okay, now it’s time to throw them out. However, Marissa was planning on keeping them. I was surprised. She said she has no emotional attachment to them at all, no lingering desire to want to get back with her or anything like that. She hasn’t even looked at the box in over a year, she forgot it was there. She just wants to hold on to them because she feels like in twenty or thirty years, she’d want to look back on them and remember that part of her life. After all, this was her first love. 

I understand that mindset. I really do. However, on my end, the thought of keeping that little box in the home that we are going to be creating together was making me really sad. I felt really bad energy about it/from it. We had a big discussion about it, and we were at a stalemate. I didn’t want her to toss them out because I realize that they’re important keepsakes, but their mere existence in our home was making me very sad and uncomfortable. A part of me really wishes Marissa prioritized my sadness over the pictures and letters, took one last look through them, and threw them out. Instead, I was sad for a really long time and was forced to just get over it. Again, it’s complicated because I understand both our sides. 

We did think of two solutions: 1) Marissa could take pictures of them with her phone and then throw out the hard copies. That feels okay with me because I think I just have an issue with the hard copies being in our home. 2) Marissa’s planning to go visit her family in Massachusetts over Fourth of July. The second option is she takes them back with her and keeps it in her childhood home with all her other memories and memorabilia. 

I think the second option was what was going to happen, but now, she might not be able to make it back for the holiday. So it might still stay in our home, currently in her suitcase. 

I don’t know. This is just an issue for me. Its presence makes me very sad and uncomfortable...I don’t feel a good energy from it. Marissa was very surprised at my strong negative reaction to it, because it apparently doesn’t make her feel anything. Anyways, this is just something that’s going on. 

[onewiththisworld]

My friends! It’s been nearly a year since an update, and here comes one!

I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed blogging–or rather, what I consider diarying–on tumblr. Here are some things that have happened in the last year.

As of just over a week ago, I have graduated from my masters program at Seattle University! I now have a Master of Arts in Student Development Administration. Another term for it is higher education and/or student affairs. It’s the field of folks who work at colleges and universities with students outside of the classroom, such as academic/career advising, housing and residence life, study abroad, international student services, disability student services, and so on. As you may remember if you’ve followed me for ages, my area of interest in this field is multicultural services: creating and operating spaces for students of color, LGBTQ students, undocumented students, etc. Graduate school was one of the most challenging parts of my life. There were many ups and downs. The first year was definitely emotionally harder than the second, yet the second year had its own challenges as well. I’ve started to learn who I am as a professional adult in professional settings. I thought I was a “professional” when I started the program, but I really had such a steep learning curve and so much development in store for me over the two years.

Now that I’ve graduated, I am funemployed, currently job searching hard in my field. I am staying put in Seattle for now, and am very lucky that there are so many institutions of higher education in the area. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I’m sending applications out so hard. In the meantime, I’m working part time at Starbucks, which gives me a nice cushion. I don’t feel too stressed about the job search, but ideally of course, the sooner I land a job in my field, the better it’ll feel.

Another big update: I’m staying put in Seattle for a reason! If you see my posts from about a year ago, I was head over heels falling in love with who is now my committed and loving partner, Marissa. This Friday is the big day where we are moving in together. I’ll be moving into the apartment she currently lives in, which I fell in love with the first time I went over. She is my best friend and favorite person in the whole world, and I am so happy. We are so happy. She is the kindest and most generous person I know. She works in the global health research field. Together, we are staying put in Seattle for now. In a year or so when she starts applying to medical schools, we will be moving together to California, New England, Chicago, or still staying put in Seattle, depending on the school. We both have family in California so we do see ourselves settling in California eventually. California, I miss you!

Next update, my parents and my queerness. They have made a complete 180 in terms of understanding and support! Last June when my brother and dad paid me a visit, circumstances unfolded and I felt compelled to very emotionally come out to them (for my dad, it was the second time, because the first time back in high school was a disaster and I had to rescind the news). There were months of hardships where my parents would tell me how they cry themselves to sleep every night, stress about how the news would affect the bigger family if it ever got out, grapple with how they could negotiate their daughter’s queerness with Islam and the Iranian culture. I sent them the very few resources I could find regarding queerness and Islam/Iranian culture, but it was still so hard. It was a hard 8-10 months. They new about Marissa and everything, and it was just overwhelming.

What started making it easier was my consistent sharing of what Marissa and I were up to. They were starting to get a feel of her and how we were as a couple. They ended up meeting Marissa when we went to visit my family together over my spring break this March! Marissa was so nervous, and so was I. But my mom promised that they would be warm, friendly, and welcoming. My parents were so great and kind to Marissa. They really wanted to get to know her. We were in California for four days, and it was nice that we weren’t in the bay area with my parents the whole time. That would have been too much for a first meeting, I think. About half the trip, Marissa and I went down to where I went to college, San Luis Obispo on the California Central Coast. It was my first time going back since I’ve graduated, and Marissa’s very first time. It was so beautiful. Marissa loved it, and I was in heaven. Coming from Seattle, I feel like I really took San Luis Obispo (SLO) and all it’s beauty and amazing weather and beaches for granted. Though as a Californian, it did feel totally normal, haha. SLO is really a hidden secret, a hidden gem, of California. People usually just drive through without giving it a thought on their way to/from the bay/LA. I cannot wait another two years to visit. Marissa and I hope to visit SLO again soon.

But overall, the visit to California and the first meeting of my parents went so well! Meeting Marissa changed something in my parents. They wanted to start understanding queerness more. They did something I couldn’t believe….they went to a PFFLAG meeting. When they told me, my jaw dropped and my eyes teared up. They told me how helpful that meeting was, how open and nice the other parents were. All the other parents knew each other while my parents were the new visitors, so the meeting was completely focused on them. They shared everything regarding me, how they’re feeling, their fears and anxieties, and so on. For the first time, they were talking to folks who went through exactly what they were going through. For the first time, they were getting all these thoughts out of their own heads and their own echo chamber they create with each other. And…the other parents provided them local resources for Islam and queerness! Apparently there’s a queer friendly mosque in San Francisco! My parents feel supported, and I think they plan on going every so often to PFFLAG meetings, which happen once a month. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would be where we are today. My parents are truly amazing people and I love them so much.

My parents and Marissa interacted again during my graduation weekend! They sat together during the entire graduation ceremony, 3 hours long. Also, my parents know that we’re moving in together! Their reaction–well, after getting over the concept of us sharing a bed–is that they want to see the apartment that their daughter will be living in! So, Marissa and I hosted them for brunch the Sunday morning before my graduation event! Again, I must reiterate…never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would be where we are today. It was a lovely gathering. They even brought Marissa a present, haha. The food we made was delicious, and my parents think the apartment is lovely.

I believe those are the updates I have for now! The rest of this week, well, I’m working at Starbucks today and tomorrow evening, and then Friday is the moving day! I’ve reserved a uhaul van. Between now and then, I plan on packing up all my things so they’re ready to get moved into the van with the help of some wonderful friends. And then it’s Pride weekend! What a wonderful way to start Pride weekend, by moving in with my love. I plan on being more active with my writing on this blog, so hopefully this won’t be it for another year!

[onewiththisworld]

I cannot wait for my bean to get home so I can kiss her with my freshly exfoliated and moisturized soft lips

[onewiththisworld]

New Seattle Street Art spied on my day off (Capitol Hill) (at Seattle, Washington)

[onewiththisworld]

I’ve told my girlfriend I love her and all is right in the world.

[queer-no-matter-what]

I honestly respect religious LGBTQ people so much, because honestly, it’s fucking hard when you have both people who are and aren’t part of your religion are constantly questioning and attacking you. There’s people who might ask how it’s possible to be LGBTQ and religious at the same time. There’s people who are gonna tell you you’re gonna be punished for who you are. Religion is a personal connection, nobody can dictate it for you. You’re not contradicting it by being LGBTQ. You guys are honestly the bravest and strongest people out there. Your faith is as valid as anyone else’s. Your god(s) accept you, and fuck anyone that says otherwise.

[onewiththisworld]

I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that I love her for the very first time

[onewiththisworld]

All of a sudden it's fall af

[onewiththisworld]

marissa comes back tomorrow :)

[yassikhanoom]

These photographs show Iranian families during the Ghajar era with their African slaves. I think it’s really important to share these within our communities, Iranians rarely admit that this is part of our history and when they do, they find it really easy to justify slavery by saying their servants were “treated well”. 

There was a shooting in Munich recently where an Iranian teenager was targeting and murdering POC, and I wasn’t surprised at all when I heard that most of his victims were Turkish. I’ve just been so angry ever since because I’m sick of Iranians refusing to talk about the fucked up parts of our culture. If you say anything that’s not “4000 years of glorious perfection” about the great Persia, people get offended. An Iranian teenager becoming obsessed with his “Aryan roots” is a serious consequence of our racism, we can’t ignore this.

We have to talk about our history of oppressing minorities, we have to talk about slavery, we have to talk about our current day oppression of minorities in Iran. We have to say something when Iranians talk about themselves as if we are a superior race. I know I can’t be the only Iranian who has seen and experienced this. 

These photographs are part of a collection by Pedram Khosronejad, an Iranian anthropologist who’s currently researching slavery in Iran through visual analysis. You can read more about him and his work here, and here’s his website. 

Please share this, and let’s be open and honest about racism and anti-blackness in our communities. We can be proud of our culture and critical of it at the same time, my worst fear is that we won’t grow because we’ve become obsessed with proving to the world that we are worthy of basic human rights and respect. We shouldn’t have to prove that, and refusing to acknowledge the ugly parts of Iranian culture doesn’t make us look good, it makes us ignorant assholes. 

[baklavugh]

^^^^^

Iranians have this god-awful tendency to separate themselves between Persian and Afghan, Turk, Kurd, Arab, etc. because being seen as Persian is being seen as the “true” race Cyrus the Great led in the beginning of the Achaemenid Dynasty.

Being Persian is being seen as the superior ethnic group of Iran, which is so abysmal because of the various ethnic groups that exist within Iran. It’s wrong to bring them down. It is so wrong to treat Afghans as second-class citizens and to blame Arabs for all the troubles Iran has now (which is a whole new argument about islamophobia) and unless Iranians, collectively, don’t start talking about this, there is absolutely little to no hope for progression.

Don’t be afraid to criticize racist systems and statements you hear in your communities. Get out there and do it. A better future for the Iranian diaspora can start with us.

[hamkhoone]

Also, Iranians/Persians rarely acknowledge the cultural influence of other ethnic groups within their own culture. Afro-Iranians and black people in Iran for example, have many rich traditions that have influenced Iranian/Persian culture throughout history. Much of the “Bandari” culture and music was created by the Afro-Iranian community. The same goes for many other ethnic groups in Iran, but I’ve noticed that Afro-Iranians are ignored and erased more often than other groups. We refuse to acknowledge their history and the way we treat them. We ignore our anti-black attitudes and how we perceive dark skin and black and African peoples.

Our refusal to acknowledge and discuss the issues within our communities and the crimes we have committed throughout history, as well as our stubbornness to recognize racist, xenophobic, and colorist attitudes and mindsets in our culture only contributes to the survival of these harmful systems and ideologies. We only cause more harm and discrimination against Iranian minorities by staying quiet and allowing ignorance and hatred to thrive. Each and every one of us, especially those in positions of power and privilege, is responsible for fighting and speaking against these disgusting and horrible systems in our culture and country and within our population.

[betemarrg]

^^^^^ this is so important!!

[onewiththisworld]

I'm back visiting family for a few days in the SF Bay Area,

and will be helping my brother move to college tomorrow! He's been living at home for the past three years as a community college student, and now he's transferring to a pretty prestigious university on a pharmacy path. I'm so proud of him. This is his first time living out of the house in his 21 years of existence. I can tell he's a little nervous, but I know/hope he'll be fine. He's helped me move when I started undergrad, and has helped me move to Seattle for grad school. I promised him that when he finally moves out of the house to transfer to a 4-year college, I will help him like how he's helped me, twice. As far as me, it's great to be home. I haven't visited in over half a year, which might be the longest time away yet. Being here is rejuvenating. Delicious home cooked Persian food, comfy home I grew up in, going to the beach, video games, being with family, it's all so nice. Being out to my family is interesting; I never thought I'd be here. But, nothing's changed; just some of our conversation topics have. We spent a good part of today sorting through my books and old notebooks and materials from college. A lot of the queer things I did, like being president of our queer student club my sophomore year, working for the Pride Center, etc. came up, and I got to show my mom. She's starting to learn who I really am. It's hard for her, but she's pushing herself. I love how she's trying. She asked once how my girlfriend, Marissa, is doing, but she didn't use her name, she didn't call her my girlfriend. She calls her my friend. "How's your friend doing?" I know who she means, but I pry her. Who? What friend? "You know, Marissa." Then I joked how yeah, we're gal pals, she's just my buddy, etc. But then more seriously, I told my mom she can call Marissa by her name or my girlfriend. My mom winced a bit and said she's not ready for that yet. Yet. I could've pushed it more, but she's made so many strides already in such a short amount of time. I'm so grateful to have a mom like her who despite the homophobic values she's grown up with, she's trying to educate herself and change her thinking for me. Because she loves me, her daughter. So, if she can't bring herself to call Marissa my girlfriend just yet, that's okay with me. It'll take time, and I can give her grace. Now, as far as Marissa, she's coming back from her two months in Zambia and South Africa a week from this Sunday! I seriously cannot wait. I cannot wait. I mean, i can, but I'm looking forward to it so much. All the kisses and loving will happen.

[onewiththisworld]

The painful cramping I had yesterday morning that led me to pass out from the pain...

I went to the doctor today and know what it was! It was a ruptured ovarian cyst. Holy shit. I’ve never experienced pain like that before. But the pain has been subsiding, I pretty much feel 100% normal now! I just have my regular period bloating. We’ve scheduled a precautionary ultrasound, and I think I should be okay. 

[onewiththisworld]

Today has been an awful day, physically.

I woke up in the morning with the most painful period cramps I’ve ever experienced. My whole pelvic area felt like it was imploding, so painful that I was crying out. That must be what contractions feel like, causing the person in labor to uncontrollably cry out in pain. On my way to the restroom–on top of unceasing, crippling pain–I got hit with a combination of nausea, cold sweats, and lightheadedness. And I fainted. FAINTED. Fell backwards onto the floor fainted. It must have been no more than a minute. I’ve fainted only two times before, both on the same day, when I was back in high school and sick with a really bad fever. My dad was home with me then, which was a huge support, but now I’m living on my own. This was really scary.

I made it to the restroom, nothing as far as using the restroom was helping. I just changed my pad, drank lots of water–which helped a lot–and crawled onto the floor that I was just fainted on. Flipped onto my belly, and fell asleep. The pressure on my belly area helped ease the cramps. I was in and out of sleep on the floor for maybe 20 minutes.

I called out sick of work, dragged myself back into bed, and continued sleeping on my belly. I slept for another three hours, and I was then confident enough that I could get up again. The cramps haven’t come back to the full force of this morning; I just feel weak. I had breakfast, watched some TV (Halt and Catch Fire is back, and they’re in SF, aww yisss).

And now I’m gonna get ready to have a very brief excursion out to the grocery store, just to get some pads. Even though I have all my windows open, I think the fresh air and walking outside will be good.

I don’t know who to tell about all this that’s happening. I would without a doubt tell Marissa, but she’s in a very remote area of Zambia for a few days with no internet connection. I could call her Zambian phone number but I don’t want to bother her. My mom? It’ll worry her. Ehhh but I probably will call my mom and tell her.

This is so shitty, but it’ll be okay. Fucking periods I fucking hate them why can't they just CHILL THE FUCK OUT