2 Key Ways to Learn from what Irritates Us
“We all attract certain people into our lives who have developed qualities opposite to the ones we are most identified with. In other words, they mirror our disowned selves, and we mirror theirs.”—Shakti Gawain
What is that thing that just irritates you about another person more than anything else? Is it selfishness? Is it judgments? Passiveness? Aggressiveness?
Have you ever wondered why some behaviors deeply upset you, while you can let other behaviors go? The understanding that we are looking at our mirror image, often an image that is stored in our unconscious mind, reveals why we react the way we do to friends, relatives, and associates. Understanding our reactions will help us to better understand ourselves.
We all possess, but often stifle, what we may term negative qualities. Perhaps our partner, friend, or boss is angry, lazy, or judges and blames. Our childhood conditioning may not allow for these qualities to be acceptable and therefore we suppress those emotions. We must accept our full range of emotions in a balanced way. When we have strong reactions to behaviors, it may be an indication that we are out of balance by denying an aspect of ourselves—the harsher our reaction the stronger the denial of that quality in ourselves.
1. Learn to Reinterpret Denied “Shadow” Characteristics
‘‘The shadow,’’ wrote Carl Jung, is ‘‘that hidden, repressed, for the most part inferior and guilt-laden personality.’’ Jung also wrote, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves.” We all carry our shadow parts whether we are aware of it nor not. It all goes back to childhood when our very survival depended on our parents. As children, we learn to please our parents to survive. It was not safe to show anger in my home with an alcoholic father; anger is one of the behaviors that I suppressed and attracted a partner with short fuse. A client told me it was not safe to disappoint her mother as a child. She consistently attracts friends who let her down.
The degree to which we conceal that quality that we may have suppressed as a child determines our attraction to that quality within our relationships. Do you keep attracting the same angry man or woman when you are peaceful person? Do you attract friends who are stingy when you see yourself as generous? The quality of generosity could very well be of balance. We attract the selfish person to teach us about boundaries. Our overly generous natures may not be servicing us when we give beyond our capacities or put our own dreams on hold to take care of others. Thus, we attract the selfish friend to remind us that we need to give to ourselves, too.
2. Taking Responsibility - It is Never about the Other Person
Our emotions are our internal sensors telling us where we are out of balance. We give our power away if we keep our focus on the other person's behaviors. Simply asking ourselves why we are responding so strongly to another will open us to an awareness of what we are denying in ourselves. Becoming aware of our denied “shadow” qualities will help us to find balance within ourselves and in our relationships. We may still not like a quality in another person, but we will be less reactive. If the behavior is extreme, we may choose to move on to another relationship or set boundaries, but we can do this with love and and full acceptances of the other. We can release our need to "fix" that person. The "fixing" is within. When we can accept ourselves for who we are and learn to understand the signals our emotions are giving us, we give our partners, friends, and family permission to do the same.
What have you learned from your reaction to the behavior of others? Share your voice below!