18 January 2014, 1:45 AM
I should have more direction in my life.
It's not as though I don't know what I want to do in my life (i think). I have goals, a sort of plan, and a bit of the means to get there. I just... don't do anything.
I thought it was fine to have a general plan. Y'know, have a major that'll work with what you want to do, take classes that pertain to it, and gradually figure the future out as it comes.
And then I spoke to a cousin of mine. We decided to exchange emails (i sadly don't know him very well) and I asked him what he was doing with his schooling. Good grief does this guy have everything down pat. He gave me details within details of just everything - what he wants to do, who he's working with to make it happen, the progress within his field that will affect the country in which he lives - all of it. It's beautiful. I love that he's on it and doing so well.
It both inspires me and saddens me. I've enjoyed this complacency in my life and I'm no where near on top of it all. I'm a little embarrassed that I don't get to detail out my life like others - mostly because I don't know how to plan for me.
I dislike plans, I dislike commitments. I realised it's because I have so much hope for them and they often don't come through - so the thought of making them makes me sad. Thus, I don't plan these life details for me. Setting up a goal in a timely manner is a really awful thing for me - so counterproductive. By putting a due date, I immediately decide when is the latest time I can begin to accomplish the task - and sometimes, I don't give myself enough time. Then I fail, and I quit. I end up using my time for something else.
I suppose I'm saddened by my lack of motivation and lack of action. I feel that people expect much more from me, but I'm such a failure at contributing in life. It's annoying that most of this boggles down to laziness. I think. Maybe that's just a cop out.
I need sleep.
2:01 AM