Online Thoughts and Scribbles

I just like to write sometimes, so I thought of doing it somewhere online rather than just saving them on my phone's notes.

[onlinethoughtsandscribbles]

Cold Little Heart

There is this moment where you will realize why you want to feel so numb all the time. And at this exact same moment, the sadness is going to hit you like never before. And you will start to feel that your heart is getting heavier, and you will feel the pulse intensify through the veins in your wrists, and maybe this is when you should try to let it all out.. But me? No, I don't think I can do that anymore.

[onlinethoughtsandscribbles]

The Girl Who Beats Boys

I have just realized that the reason I have been told sometimes that I tend to think like a man, and that during most of my life, I have mostly had more boys than girls as friends, is the fact that I have mainly been raised by men as a kid.

My mum died when I was just about 5 or 6 months old, my dad had been living as a man in a foreign country for almost 10 years, he had a lot of friends there though, some of them were Egyptian, some weren't, and only a few of them had wives. So it pretty much just me and my dad for about 6 days a week, and during some weekends, it was me and all of them.

The situation stayed like that for about 4 years, then he got married, and during their first months of marriage, I stayed a lot at both my uncles' homes, which was in the same building, so technically, I was still around.

Each of my uncles had two boys as sons, they were a lot older than I was, and they were all very different. Both brothers were pretty much the opposite in everything; it was just a constant competition all the time. Everyone had a different favorite singer that they kept defending all the time and fighting about, they both cheered for different football teams as well.

God, I remember watching tons of matches, and of course, the day that every single Egyptian remembers just like it was yesterday. The very famous 6-1 humiliation, fuck, that day was just crazy. I still cannot believe the constant adrenaline rush, the mixed feeling I have received by watching 4 different reactions that was all equally epic!

I still remember my cousin screaming with cheers with every goal, he was laughing like such a maniac, as if he has turned to a Joker, and the other one was getting more blue and silent with every goal, and eventually tearing up. It was such a mess!

I used to play video games a lot too, whatever it is, you name it, and I know I will have played it. It was my most favorite time of the day, going into daily adventures and helping my heroes defeat all evils. Oh, the rush it brought me with every single victory! It was indispensable!

I played a lot with boys too as a kid, we used to play hide and seek, running games, ball games, throw and catch, basketball, table tennis, all of it. I was kind of their partner during play time, cause I was really fast, at some point in upper elementary grade years, I used to be a part of a trio group with two other boys, we used to play basketball in school. I used to beat them a lot too, even in arm wrestling! :D And any running based game was my edge, I was unbeatable and I was well-known for it. They didn't like to get beaten though; sometimes they took it too personal.

And I still remember that even though as a kid, I was somehow beautiful and also very smart and funny, I was rarely picked by a cool boy. They always liked other girls, and they were mostly girls that almost never play during break times, you know those who are mostly shy and have pretty smiles and a nicely done hair? Yeah, that was mainly how they looked like, but gosh they were so damn boring, they do nothing, they didn't like to read, play video games or even actual games. "What's fun about that?" was the question I always asked myself about them and never found the answer to. I guess some of them might have liked using coloring books though, maybe use nail polish and different glittery pens. Yet, they never read comics either, and I used to be one of those top comic collectors, so it was just something crazy for a fan like me.

Unlike the boys my age, all the men in my family were always super proud and crazy about me, they were decent men. They were the kind of family that wants the best for you, always shows you of, and has very high hopes and expectations in you. They were truly content and happy with every success that I have ever made, they used to rush in on the same day of any good news concerning me just to cheer for me and congratulate me. Whenever some of my family came over, I also remember liking to sit around with my dad than with the rest of the women and their kids after we're done eating. I liked listening to their conversations, and whenever I had something to say, they always listened and even considered my point of view. They were good men, some of the very last. I still remember what my uncle has told me on his death bed too, he said that I am very unique and special; he said I should be more confident, and even arrogant when needed. He also said I should be careful while choosing a man.

And you know what I have concluded? Most boys were actually intimated. They didn’t like the idea that a girl could beat them, even if it was just a game. They were never actually okay with the idea that it's possible to lose to a girl, so while we were young and innocent, they just preferred to keep me as a friend or even avoid me, so it was always pretty clear to me, I never had any false expectations, things were predictable, so it was fine.

But as we got older and started wearing masks, things began to change. They didn’t need to avoid me anymore, if I am that good at something that I do, maybe they could make use of it instead of avoiding me. And if they can't use it or they don’t really want to, there was always a lot of competition, they have always felt challenged, and I guess sometimes small. I was never demeaning though, I was just the way I am, and sometimes it was too much.

The men in my family were different, they were always happy to show me off, they have always whole-heartedly wished me the best of luck in life, they were the exact opposite of almost all the boys I have known.

So let's just say that some boys don't ever grow up to be men, they stay boys. And the above are all signs of how they might act and what they might do. Maybe this knowledge could help open our eyes a little bit.

 #BoysWillBeBoys

[onlinethoughtsandscribbles]

I Let my Guard Down

You had me thinking a lot baby, when I should have just been busy loving you. It was all sweet talk. It was too sweet though, stupid me, right? I should have known all along. I should have known better. I was in denial, I didn't want to see it, I liked the fantasy, so I decided to live there for a while. 

I was gambling all along, and my young years were always at stake, I was ready to give them for you baby, I had my doubts, sure, but I had faith too. 

Now I wish I had never let my guard down.

[onlinethoughtsandscribbles]

A Scared Kid

I have always had this ultimate fear as a kid that used to give me nightmares, anxiety attacks and made me burst into tears.  It wasn’t a fear of death, nor darkness or ghosts. I have actually always wanted to be friends with a ghost as a kid, the idea of them made me curious, you know, but it has just never really shown up. 

I have also been so much of a dreamer as kid, I was that little girl whose head is always in the sky and eyes were always on full brightness mode, you could see wittiness, happiness and kindness in them, her hair and smile also shined like the sun, she was full of joy and almost always on full curiosity mode.

She desperately and absolutely would have given everything she can to travel to a parallel universe, she prayed every night to all the gods in the world, cried and wept and asked grannies and all the so-called believers to pray for her as well. She just wanted to have or magically find that s-called digital watch, so she can travel to that parallel universe, where all humans had seiezed to exist and it was all just fairy tale-like fantasies, stories and daily adventures that teach you lessons about hope, strength and makes you an advocate for humanity. 

So let me ask you something. For an aged 7 to 10 year-old kid, do you think anything else could have possibly ever beaten that? Being able to live in two worlds at the same time because time on earth passes by slower? Of course she did pray! She prayed and begged God to find it every single day. And she made everyone she knows and loves pray that she find that magical digital watch too. 

Of course, they were shocked, I guess they have always been worried about my mental health state, lol. But it was so damn funny y’all. I believe I answered their doubts angrily by saying, “Hey, You told me that Noah made an arc and split the sea and Mohamed has actually flown. “Aren’t these mircales too?? Why can’t he do that again as well? You said he can, didn’t you? Isn’t he supposed to be almighty?! Can he please do it?? For me?? PLEAAAASHHHEE” And of course that made them shut up. My dad didn’t actually say anything about it though, he just laughed and said “Okay, I will pray for you habeby.” Yet, the following day, he ended up watching the cartoon channel with me, I believe he just wanted to get a glimpse of all the series I was hing up on as a kid. And then he got so hung up while watching Conan that he actually shut me up whenever I talked during the show cause he was so focused and stuff, lol.

Yeah, so what was the fear, right? Well it was really a tramutizing type of fear for me actually, especially as kid. It was the fear of not living long enough to; achieve everything I want to achieve, learn everything I would ever be interested to learn, help people as much as I can while fulfiling my own dreams, and pursuing my passion and living a good life that makes me content and satisfied whenever I go to sleep, and doing good deeds every single day. And I was always afraid I wouldn’t be able to find passion in my life. I always thought I found passion as a kid, but every year whenever they asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer changes, and up until now it still keeps changing. And I don’t know what to do because it is scary.

The monsters were never under my bed, they were in my head all along. And the worst part of about it, is that they have always been real.