this is really the only place I can vent right now..
i really don't know how i'm coping right now. all i can hear is the voices yelling at me that "It's time" "It's okay to go now" "We'll leave you alone if you do it" "They'll be okay" and i'm so stuck. this has been going on everyday for a while now along with the panic attacks and the nightmares. somedays i really feel like i will do it, others i feel like i'm not ready. at this very moment i don't know what i want. all i know is thati want to enjoy one full day without having to curl up in a corner telling myself it's okay when i very well know it's not. one day where i don't have to lie to anyone about how i'm doing. one day without a panic attack. one day where i don't have to hear a voice that isn't coming from a real person. one day that i don't contemplate suicide. i honestly don't know how to describe what is going on with me. I don't know whether or not i'm ready to go back and see a councillor. I've lost most of my friends so i don't really have anyone that i could just visit or ask them to distract me when it's all happening. I need to fucking escape
