You find letters from Qifrey after he's gone.
OOC, angst angst angst, not very canon to story
When one of the women from the local town found you, you were curled into a ball under the SilverWood tree that used to be your lover. Empty of tears and lost all hope that he would return to you. When she asked what was wrong, you didn’t know how to explain the anguish of it, the pain that your lover was somehow right in front of you and yet entirely gone from existence. The town was well aware that you lived with Qifrey; he had taken you in one day when you showed up at his atelier with bruises and a broken leg, having been beaten by a town gang and looking to the nearest place for shelter. It was a bit of a local scandal, not much happened around here and the townspeople always wondered why the witch took a liking to you. You often wondered about it yourself. You were ordinary and he was everything but.
She dragged your practically limp body back to the door of the atelier, calling for ‘the witch’ as she opened the door, none of them bothering to learn the name of the man who showed them constant kindness. However, she was unaware that said witch was not here and would never be again. The sight of the house in front of you made your stomach curdle, this would never be home again, not without him. She helped you into the living room, sitting you on the couch and asking if you needed anything. You simply shook your head, shooing her away so you could continue in your anguish, so you could find a way to crawl your weak body back to that tree outside and wait until you wilted and decomposed, until you sank so deep in the soil, you nurtured the roots of the man you loved so dearly, as he nurtured you in life.
The sun had nearly set, casting a deep orange glow over the rooms of the atelier. You swore you could feel him, hear his laughter, the quiet humming when he was working in the kitchen, even the soft patter of his feet on the floor was a sound you became accustomed to hearing, but now you would never hear it again.
By the time you removed yourself from the couch, pitch darkness had set in. Not bothering to turn on a light–as you knew this place like the back of your hand–you made your way to your shared bedroom. Easing the door open, your heart dropped into the pit that was your stomach. The bed was still a mess from the two of you sleeping in it this morning, waking up wrapped in the other’s embrace and too consumed with your laughter to worry about making the bed when you finally rose.
The idea of lying in said bed was daunting, because you knew the moment you did, the scent of your lover would envelop you and you’re not sure you would ever leave it again. Taking a step forward, shaky on your feet, you opted to go to his closet, because then, just maybe, you could wear an item of his clothing and getting out of the bed would be easier as his scent would come with you. It was a silly thought, but you didn’t care, you just wanted to be closer to him and this seemed like the only way to do it besides burying yourself six feet under the earth and clinging to tree roots.
The moment you opened the closet door, his robe lay on the floor of the tiny room, which was strange as he was quite accustomed to hanging it up. You picked it up, a small shoe-sized box hidden underneath it with your name written at the top. Wrapping yourself in his robe, sighing as the comforting aroma of your lover hugged you in a warm embrace, before crouching down to procure the box. A plethora of papers revealed themselves when you removed the lid, a few wrapped in envelopes, while others floated freely. They also seemed to be numbered, in case the box was jostled or moved; Qifrey was always incredibly organized. You unfolded the first one, your heart pounding against your chest at the sight of his handwriting.
That was the day you arrived at the atelier.
A strange woman showed up at my atelier today. She was covered in bruises and had a severely broken leg. I had thought about turning her away, sending her to the nearest hospital, but I couldn’t. For some reason, one look into her fear stricken eyes and I simply could not bear to send her elsewhere. It was quite late by the time I settled her, tending to her wounds. She thanked me profusely, her voice hoarse from what I assumed was her journey here. I had turned many others away in the past, even so much as taking them to the medical center myself, so why couldn’t I do the same for her?
You knew he wrote in a journal every night, but your chest swelled at the idea that he wrote in there about you. You held the paper to your face, the smell of ink still strong on the page, but beneath that was Qifrey, his scent seeped into the paper and left lingering.
July 16th
[name] has been here quite a while now. I am starting to grow fond of their presence. I hadn’t offered them to stay, it sort of became part of the routine. As she healed, she needed to move around to strengthen her leg, which turned into her doing simple tasks around the atelier, which eventually became routine and one thing led to another. A few months later, she is still around, doing the same tasks that have surely become monotonous by now, but she has never once complained. As much as I enjoy having her around, I will have to send her away at some point, less I grow too fond of her.
November 8th
My heart feels as if it’s going to burst from my chest cavity. I almost did something utterly calamitous. [name] had gone into town to pick up some produce and I was saddened by their absence, which was already a strange feeling for me, but when she returned and I found her chopping in the kitchen, I walked up to her, almost wrapping my arms around her waist before I had to stop myself. I turned and immediately ran to my room, trying to calm my racing heart. I wasn’t allowed to have these feelings, and she surely did not deserve to be with someone who could never be fully honest with her. Someone she could never truly know.
A tear streaked down your cheek. But you did know Qifrey, he was kind, patient and unbelievably funny. He cared for you in ways no one in your life had ever bothered to, and you knew he kept secrets, you could see it in his eyes. In the way there were days when he simply couldn’t hold your gaze, when he would open his mouth to speak before closing it abruptly as if realizing whatever it was he simply couldn’t say. But we all had secrets, and you never wanted to judge him for his.
The next couple papers were sealed in envelopes, you almost didn’t want to open them as the last person to see them unsealed was Qifrey, but you chose to, as he clearly left these for you and wanted you to open them.
[name],
I am scared. I do not understand these feelings I am having for you. I want to send you away, as I don’t want to hurt you, but the idea of it burns a hole in my chest. I am being selfish, but I want you to stay here forever. I want you to live with me so that I can take care of you when you are sick, hold you in my embrace when you are feeling low, and all the other times between. I am unsure what this is, or if I am even allowed to feel it. All I know is, there’s a surge of pain in my head each time you are around and I don’t mind it as long as I am in your company. Just knowing you is worth it.
Tears flowed freely now. He hadn’t dated this letter, but knowing him it came swiftly after the other. Once you both realized the other felt the same, your relationship blossomed rather quickly.
My beloved [name],
I could have never expected things to turn out this way when you showed up at my door all those months ago. I’ve never wanted something so deeply in my life, and then given into that desire. I will say I am petrified of what will happen next, and yet I still want to find out. Being able to hold you and even kiss you is something I was unaware that my life was missing. You know nothing of my lifestyle, but you are undeniably understanding that I can not tell you of magic. You see me for me and not for the witch that can help with your problems. You instead tell me of Outsider things and I love to hear about where you grew up, your parents, all the things you did in your childhood. As you know my own is a bit fuzzy to me, so it’s nice to hear that yours was kind and full of light. I hope you stick around forever, and I hope I can allow you too.
You remember the first time you and Qifrey kissed like it was yesterday. His eyes had gotten so big you thought for sure they were going to pop out of his head, but when you giggled, it was as if they glowed and he was seeing you for the first time. He hadn’t wasted another second before pulling you in for another.
Darling,
I have written these letters in the plan to give them to you one day when we were old and grey, something to look back on, and by that point I thought I wouldn’t be embarrassed about writing them. But as our days go on and we become closer and closer, I long to tell you everything. I long for more with you, but I know I simply can not ask that of you without telling you the whole truth, and selfishly enough it’s not even for your sake, but my own. I could not live with myself knowing I was hiding such a huge secret from you. You deserve to be with someone who can be honest with you, and I want to be that person, I really, truly do, but in that stance, if I tell you and you stay, I can not reverse the consequences. Well, I could, but I refuse to let you live with the hollowed out shell of a man and well I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to you. I love you more than I ever thought I could without irreversible consequences. I want to do what is right by you.
Your chest tightened a bit at this one. You were always very clear with him that he didn’t need to tell you everything, that if he wanted to when the time was right you were always willing to listen, but he did not need to. And knowing now what said consequences were, you wished he hadn’t told you, but you understood. He wanted to be honest, he wanted you to know all of him, even if it meant his demise. There was a single letter left in the box, you almost left it, for another time, another day perhaps, but you needed to see this through, and you could read them over and over again until the end of time.
To the love of my life,
If you are reading this letter, it means that what I thought would happen did. I am so deeply sorry, but I needed to tell you everything and since I am not here to get rid of these letters, it means you are exactly the kind and loving person I have always known. The one who would stick by my side, knowing my past, knowing what exactly could happen to me. You meant everything to me, there are not enough words in the universe to explain that thoroughly. I believe it was written in the stars that you showed up on my doorstep that day, and I also believe our story was meant to end this way. Not because I believe you deserve this anguish, never you, but because you were always going to be the one to get me to let my guard down, the one person I would be willing to let in, and that alone would be my demise. I do wish we had more time in the grand scheme of things. More kisses, more lingering touches, even more of your cooking that was truly so bad the animals outside wouldn’t eat it. You were and still are my everything and will be until the end of time. I had planned to propose to you today, ya know? I hoped for the first time in a long time that I could tell you everything and I wouldn’t, well you know what happened, but I had never felt anything like that, so thank you for giving me that opportunity. I wanted you to be my wife, to spend my days lounging by the sea with you, reading awful poems, and waking up with you in my arms. I would’ve given everything for it, but instead it is you who has to give up everything and I am so so sorry for that, my love. I will find a way to make it up to you, perhaps in another life. I have left your ring in this envelope, the one that I hoped you would proudly wear as my wife. You do not have to wear it, but I still wanted you to have it, as a symbol of my unconditional love for you, and I do not think even an entire lifetime would’ve been enough to show my love for you. I want you to find peace without me, which I know is an inconceivable ask, but you deserve happiness. I love you so very much, my darling, in this life and the next. I promise to find you sooner in the next lifetime and make up for my misgivings.
Always yours, Qifrey ♡
You flipped the envelope and a gold ring fell out into your palm, with a small, pear shaped, light sapphire jewel attached at the top, to match the beautiful eye of your lover that always enraptured you so. You slid the ring onto your finger, a perfect fit. With all the strength you could muster, you scooped all the letters into your arms and made your way to the tree that sat just outside your atelier. You leaned against the trunk, looking up at the branches as if at any moment they would reveal the face you loved so dearly. But alas, they did not, so you simply spoke to him, told him how you felt about his letters, and made sure to let him know just how much you loved them and would cherish them forever. And that despite your reservations, for him you would find some sort of peace, not sure what that would even look like yet. And you made sure he knew just how much you loved him, and that you would love him until the end of time, that he changed your life in the best way possible, and you would never forget him as long as you lived. You don’t remember how long you stayed at the base of that tree, but you imagined it would become as part of your routine as those mundane tasks had when you first came to Qifreys atelier.
A/N: I always tell myself I'm not going to write angst and yet here I am.
*Please do not repost, copy, or use any of my works to feed your AI*
