My Heart Lies In The Ocean

Too old to be dealing with this shit too young to get out of it. (He/Him)

[ontherunsincenow]

It’s December 8th, 2025; and I’m cold.

I’m cold, and don’t have another someone to keep me warm because I’m so scared of being burned. But more than that, I couldn’t light my flame for anyone, even if I wanted to.

I’m tired. A rope, unraveled and fraying, a candle burnt clear through to its wick’s base- I hardly can get up in the morning.

I can’t sleep, can’t wake up, and can hardly function- I need to rest, and I can’t rest without everything around me crumbling apart.

It’s December 8th, and I’m tired of craving something that only fills the void for the moment.

It’s December 8th, and I’m trying not to pick up a blade, but picking up a cup in the process.

It’s December 8th.

And I’ve replaced one vice with another.

It’s December 8th and I cannot go two weeks without it.

It’s the end of a year.

The end of this year.

And I’ve tried so hard for it to not be the end of me, but I don’t know who is who anymore, and robots control the algorithm because artists aren’t worth anything anymore.

And there’s an orange fuck in office ruining the lives of thousands of not millions of lives every single day because he doesn’t like that people are a different colour than him- He’s not even the proper colour.

It’s December 8th, and I want someone else to keep me warm.

It’s December 8th, and I don’t want to have to keep myself warm anymore. I want to keep someone else warm, want to be able to keep myself warm because I want to, not because I have to.

It’s December 8th, and I don’t know how much more I can take.

It’s December 8th, 2025. And it’s cold. And tomorrow, I’ll get out of bed, fix my hair, put on some clean clothes, and go sit at my desk.

Tomorrow will be just as tiring as today.

And tomorrow I will rise from my bed, and hug my mother.

Tomorrow I will walk my dog.

Tomorrow I will shower, and help cook dinner.

Tomorrow I will eat dinner with my family.

Today I’m laying here, and once again I’m considering what happens if I get rid of it all- Get rid of me.

I don’t get to be done yet, because if I’m done then I don’t get be anything but another statistic, another hole and body in the ground.

Just another one.

So tonight I will rest, and I will do what I can, and in the morning I will get up.

In the morning I will brush my teeth, and catch the correct bus, and get to school on time.

Because I have to.

Because tomorrow is mine.

And what’s mine is my responsibility.

So tomorrow will be.

[ontherunsincenow]

It’s your birthday- How could I forget?

I could never forget- how could I?

I couldn’t if I tried- even if I wanted to.

I hope you’ve had a wonderful day.

I hope you get all that you wanted.

I hope that you’re happy, and I’m trying my best to be.

I hope you don’t think of me, today.

Goodnight, sleep tight, and goodbye.

Not forever, of course. Just for today.

For this moment- this second,

This minute,

This hour,

This day,

This month.

This year, if you want it.

But if it’s a year, don’t expect me to let you come back.

I’m sorry for how low my tolerance has gotten- but I think it means I’ve grown.

It comes with losing 10 people in 3 months.

I miss you.

It hurts to look at you-

I’ve got other people I need to take care of, and you’re not around for me to take care of you, anyways.

So why should I care?

And why can’t I stop caring?

[ontherunsincenow]

It’s not enough. Or maybe I’m too much- I don’t want to lose anyone else, but I can’t seem to help it.

The nips were playful, not defensive.

I don’t need to go back to the pound.

I promise I’m a good dog- let me show you I’m a good dog.

I can roll and sit if you want me to! I can!

I’ll speak and give you my paw, too! Just don’t leave me- Don’t leave me again, why are you leaving me again?

What did I do to deserve you leaving me this time?

What the fuck did I do?

Why can’t I keep the people I most want to keep?

I can’t handle any more loss.

It’s so much for it to be one after the other- I don’t care if you’re not good for me. I want You. In my life in some form.

Just as friends is fine. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. As a friend, I love you.

I’ll be your best friend if you want! I’m a loyal dog- I promise I am.

I keep getting left on the side of the road. It gets cold at night.

I can't leave, my leash is stuck on this post. It gets colder the more time passes.

I don't think I deserved it this time- but if its happening to me then I must deserve it, right?

I MUST deserve it, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.

But if I deserve it all, then what did I do in this life?

Or was I just an awful person in my last one?

I’m getting real close to the end of my wick.

I’ll gnaw off my own leg to get out of a trap.

I’m tired of losing limbs over people who could care less about me keeping all my blood in my body.

You don't love me, so obviously I need to let it go.

But it hurts more than I want it to.

I can't just shut off that part of my brain, but if I could… I think I might.

I’m real tired, and real close to the end of my rope.

I’m trying my best. It’s hard to climb back up when it's already unravelled.

I’m so fucking tired.

[ontherunsincenow]

I can smell her when she’s outside a classroom at school, or when shes walked by.

I know her energy by heart, and turn to it on instinct.

I know deeply and truly that I will never forget that information- I know it soul deep. I’ve always been a dog.

But, He’s made me feel like a dog tricked into feeling as though we’re going for a car ride, but instead He leaves me on the side of the road. No collar, no leash. I wait for Him to come back and retrieve me. I wait for days. He never does. He comes back once, to kick me, and then leaves. Permanently. I don’t see Him again after that.

I’m trying my best to not seem like a kicked puppy. But sometimes you kick me, and I whine.

Must you punish me for making that noise? I think I’ve been a decent friend to you- tried my best, at least. But you still leave me out in the rain.

You’ve left me out in the rain often. I thought I’d been loyal enough to not deserve that treatment. I was wrong.

I’ll take your last ‘gifts’ and leave. I wasn’t wanted anyway.

I already know I won’t be missed.

Wasn’t dog supposed to be man’s best friend?

[ontherunsincenow]

I’m so fucking sick of losing friends.

[scathingepiphany]

What kind of writer would I be if I didn’t write poetry about sex? A lousy one for sure, anyways-

[blvkvvolfe-deactivated20230401]

i was born a biter, i identify as a biter, not my fault, maybe don’t be so biteable and you’ll be safe

[ontherunsincenow]

Holy shit what the fuck just happened.

That’s not what the fuck is supposed to happen- Whats wrong with me?

Why did that happen?

Every single sense just went into overdrive- I was aware of where you were— There’s no reason for that to have happened-

The Rabbit and the Hare- You are no wolf- I know this.

My body must not. It’s not your fault I was upwind.

The wind blew your scent towards me- it was fine when everyone else was there- and the second the clustering smells disappeared yours was overwhelming.

That’s never happened before. Why the fuck am I like this? What the fuck is going on?

I think I need to be locked away until I’m desensitised to every aspect of human life- I must not be human- My body has resigned itself to some useless prey animal.

I think I need a break.

Think my step back needs to be at least three feet- my heart jumped into my ears- it’s never been like that before.

I don’t understand what’s going on with my body.

I’m not supposed to be like this.

I’m salivating and my jaw is trembling, and it’s not in a good way.

I think I’d gnaw off my own hand to release myself from a trap- think I’ve devolved to be no better than a trapped fox.

A trapped mouse.

A trapped rabbit- The hare strung up by a rope in a tree for lack of foresight.

I’ve never been like this before, and I can’t run from my own body.

I can’t stop shaking.

My heart is rattling my lungs and they won’t give me my breaths straight. My eyes locked and unseeing. All the hair along my neck is raised and I am looking at nothing but myself.

This lake is a mirror and I’m getting ready to drown.

I can’t seem to swim to the surface.

[ontherunsincenow]

My heart jumps and flees like a rabbit, and my stomach churns.

I’ve done nothing but put on music, and my body is telling me to run again.

Nothing has happened.

I have to go. I cannot stay here.

I am fleeing no one but myself, a Jackalope lost in the cloak that is my wolf’s skin.

A skinned pelt from who I thought I once was, eyes fixed into the hood so that I may never look at anyone head on.

The heart of a hare.

The perfect prey animal to any starving predator, yes?

But if I am the predator, then the only thing I’m vying for is the right to my territory. And whilst they’ve got their jaws, I’ve got my legs.

I’m nothing if not a fighter.

Raised for the ring, I’m the perfect candidate for your pick. Pay me and I’ll hurt who you need- simply allow me to keep on my coat.

I’ll always need my lucky rabbit’s foot.

[ontherunsincenow]

I’m grasping at splinters trying to stay afloat in this shipwreck that I’ve created- at the end of my rope and no one has been able to use it to pull me to shore for fear of causing it to fray further.

I’m sorry for who I am and everything that I’m going to become, because it’s far less than a legend and far more than a former student.

I beg the stars to let me be more than another body in the ground.

[ontherunsincenow]

I haven’t been enough in far too long. I wonder why that Is.

[ontherunsincenow]

Teehee

[ontherunsincenow]

I’m simply so good at slipping away- I replace it with a smile and they don’t notice ‘til I’m gone.

It’s not their fault, of course- It’s simply my craft.

Something I’ve perfected.

I’m just so good at being gone, that when I’m really gone?

No one will notice until it’s far too late- None of you can stop me this time.

And none of you have the right to cry when I’m gone, I’ve never been worth the tears.

[ontherunsincenow]

Can’t I come back into my own head? I’m swimming even in my most important moments- It’s getting real hard to tread water this thick.

[ontherunsincenow]

lalala :3

[ontherunsincenow]

Everything wraps around my lungs. knocks the wind out of me and knocks me unconscious in turn.

I cannot rise if my lungs will not register the air being breathed into them.

when do I get to finally rise from the ashes that is my old body? or must I rot surrounded by this skin that doesnt feel as though its mine anymore.

Let me rest, and let me breathe.

everything wraps around my heart. Frees the tears from behind tired eyes and imbeds my own teeth into my arms in turn.

I thought I was getting better- I cant keep my hands off myself.

It’s wasn’t all on accident- No, not all of this was an accident.

Yeah, that scrape on my hand was an accident, of course it was. that bruise on my arm wasn’t, but I wont tell you that.

My jars of venom are empty and too filled with tears for me to bottle up any more- I’ve ran out of the extra to use and shattered too many in my rage.

all that remains are their corks- and those don’t soak up water well.

[ontherunsincenow]

This pain in my bones settles like an old friend.

It reminds of me all too much and nothing at all- I cannot stand to feel it any more.

Must I live with this?

I woke up hurting this morning.

Not moving makes it hurt- moving too much makes it hurt more.

I’m tired of waking up in pain.

It lives in my knees- Creaks in my elbows and erupts from my wrists.

It clenches my jaw and throbs behind my eyes.

Snakes up and down my spine.

Wraps greedy arms around my waist.

Clamps too firm hands on my hips.

Lays lips that burn on the back of my neck.

… He does not love me.

He drags unkind claws across my shoulders, and tears delicate skin on my chest.

Uses his mouth to bite bruises onto my legs, and his thumbs to press them onto my arms.

Pain is an unkind creature- uncaring for the damage he causes and caring only for his own satisfaction.

I'm tired of waking up to his lips on my temple.

His nails too long and teeth too sharp.

I’m tired of his hands around my throat.

Of his nails in my eyes when I cry, and his breath in my lungs when I breathe.

Allow me to exist in the correct fashion for once, won't you?

I know his answer will never be yes, but I will still ask for mercy.

Though I will not beg- no, I will never beg.