I think one of my dark parts stems from my boundaries not being respected as a child. I remember my Dad saying about my best friends parents 'Fucking posh twats. Fucking social climbers' and making fun of their accents. I didn't know there was anything wrong with that at the time, and I don't remember how I felt, but now I feel sad and wronged that someone would so harshly put down people who were very nice and spent a lot of time having me over, taking me on trips and generally looking after me. They were lovely people that I have very good memories of. As I'm typing this I feel very sad and hurt. I have a pain in my chest because why would you intentionally attack something your daughter cherished and disrespect it so harshly. I feel my boundaries there were violated because that was my thing, not someone else's thing to do with as they pleased. No respect for me and how I felt about something. That is one example, but like anything in life I'm sure it was a pattern as it feels like such a strong issue to me. Childhood is strange, it was so long ago and your understanding of it is not developed at the time, so memories crop up here and there and you don't know why. So nothing else along those lines comes to mind but it is such a large issue for me now that it must have been a pattern. It is very sad. The way it translates now is that I feel a sense of utter outrage at the most minor thing. If someone gets in my way, or steps on my toe etc. Inside I feel like HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. When in fact it is a minor incident. I feel a rage about it, yet totally unable to speak up about it, which makes me feel worse because I feel even more powerless. Most of the time it is a situation that is so minor it would be inappropriate to speak up about it but it always feels huge inside. So now that I've identified it, how do I feel about it? I have to go straight through the feeling. I feel very deflated and defeated and sad and in pain. Why did I not deserve a normal level of respect. I was only a little girl, and deserving of being cherished, and the things I cherished being respected. I didn't get it then. How can I translate the experience into a positive outcome now? I can remember it with my own children. How can I turn it into something positive for myself in my everyday life? I can recognise it and realise it has no bearing on the worth of me now. I have always had the same worth, I have always been worth of respect and I am just as worthy now. I can respect myself and others and their boundaries and spread that as a positive contribution to the world. I can be more gracious to others in general and be gracious in the minor situations where I feel like someone has overstepped the mark with me. In larger situations of the same nature I can speak up for myself firmly but politely and command the kind of respect I deserve.
